Not Sure How to Feel About My Brother

Life is too short to hold grudges. Maybe you should try to "test the waters" and go from there. Good luck.

You are making his issue yours. It wasn't about you... it was about him.
The problem was his and he was dealing in his own way. Boys are different than girls. Boys go into their caves and figure things out. Girls talk it out.
I know your feelings were hurt, but he couldn't deal with you and yours during his darker time.
Just be happy he's coming home. Don't make him feel worse than he probably already does.
LBC

Wait, you're angry and hurt over his lack of interest of you and your family, and now that he WANTS to see you, you refuse to see him?

What is your goal here? Is it to have a relationship with your brother (under his terms, of course), or to teach him a lesson?

When it comes to sibs, I will take what I can get. Personally I would embrace him warmly, take whatever he's got for however long it lasts, TREASURE the time with him. I mean, he's my BROTHER, not my HUSBAND, why would he have to make a commitment?

With regards to what to tell your kids, you do not need to explain his behavior to them. It is what it is. Enjoy him while you can, and when he's 'distant' remember he has his own life, is not personally attacking you, is NOT your husband.

That's just me.

:)

Be sure to see your brother while he's in town. To intentionally avoid him would be rather childish. I suggest having a family dinner at some point while he's home so he gets to see all of you. Then at some point have some brother sister time and tell him how much you miss him, how much you wish your kids got to see or at least hear from their uncle more. Ask him to please never stay gone that long again because you all love him.

Single guys don't always "get it" especially if they aren't close in proximity to their families. The girlfriend probably helped him remember birthdays before.

Wow--you've been wishing for him to be involved, and now that he's planning a trip back, you "might have to be gone"? Really?

Think about really accepting your sibling AS HE IS. He doesn't have to be what you're picturing in your mind as the ideal brother and uncle. You can't make someone else be any certain way. If you do indeed want a relationship--then have O.. As adults. With no restrictions about what is "right" or "wrong", "good" or "bad"!

You are angry at your brother for going through some severe depression? He didn't write you off. Even before I read your what happened I could tell he went through severe depression. That is the only thing that can make people check out of life for long periods.

Let it go.

It seems he made it through to the other side, be happy for him and let your kids get to know him.

YOU have had a beautiful life, a family, children.. home, your sanity.

Your brother is ill.

Depression is a physical problem. His brain is not work like everyone else. He cannot control this. He is not on purpose trying to hurt people, it is a side affect of him being so depressed.

I have had depression for years and it is debilitating at times. Totally shuts a person down. Saps energy to even care for ourselves, much less anyone else.

Then when things balance out, we need support even more than we did before, because it is so hard to make amends for our behaviors will ill.

You can punish him for being ill, but it would be like punishing a person for having cancer. They cannot help it.

Ladybug nailed it.

Also remember, depression runs in families. We never know how our own children and grandchildren will end up. Your mother loves your brother as much as you love your children. If you cannot move on for yourself and accept your brother as he is, do it as a gift for your mother.

He was out of touch for a long time, and probably expects to be shunned for it. If that's how he's feeling, he could just be reaching out again hoping for forgiveness and understanding. Your not wanting to see him could be exactly the reaction that he can't bear to hear, so he contacts his mother instead – the one person he thinks will still be glad to hear from him.

I have a sister who cuts off any family member who forgets a birthday. I forgot hers two years ago (I'm really terrible with calendars and had a distracting health crisis going on), and she has refused to acknowledge a single thing I've sent her since. It's sad, and I expect it's actually hurting her more than me. I'm not angry at her, though. I have been the out-of-touch one long in the past, when I was going through a period of depression. Making any kind of decision, and then following through, was simply beyond me, and I didn't think I had a thing to offer anybody that that they would care about.

You could send him a note saying you hope to see him when he comes out. Extend the olive branch, so to speak. He might be anxiously waiting for that. Unless you fear that establishing contact again will hurt you or your kids. I doubt that they would be harmed as long as they understand that Uncle has issues and may not be able to maintain a constant presence.

Well, you should know by now not to expect anything from him.

Me, personally, if he comes through with the visit, GREAT! Let the kids meet him, hang out a bit... but don't rearrange any pre-existing plans and don't schedule your time around him. He needs to earn it and work for it at this point.

Family is family... I'd make it a point to see him, but wouldn't put myself out there, since after all, HE was the one who chose to be absent, not you.

Who knows, maybe he's grown up and will be responsible about his family now!

Good luck :)

"Expectations are the road to hell." Each time you put a "should" on someone else you create a place for disappointment and pain. "My brother should remember birthdays.", "My brother should stay in touch with his family.", etc. It feels really awful when other people look at us and say we should be someone other than who we are.

What would happen if you let go of the "should" and just dealt with the facts? My brother had a bad breakup. My brother didn't contact us for a long time. My brother is coming in to town soon. What if, instead of judgment (he should...) you were curious instead? I wonder how my brother is doing? I wonder what has been happening in his life? I wonder what kind of relationship we can have now?

Explore what your needs are that you think your brother "should" be meeting and then meet those needs for yourself instead of making him responsible for your feelings. You feel disappointed and frustrated becuase of your thoughts about his behaviors, not because of his behavior. He is just living his life the best that he can. You are creating stories in your head about what you think are the reasons he is behaving this way and you are making it all bout you rather than staying open and curious as to what is really going on for him.

Forgiveness is letting go of the shoulds and staying curious. Letting go of the stories we make up and finding out what is really happening. Releasing our need to make it all about us and really being open to what is happening with them.

I am so glad that you are getting what you call helpful responses. I, too, think you should see him when he comes, without expecting too much.

I do have two cautions. One is to realize that this is stressful for you, you have dealt with depression, and you need all your supports available (friends, family, therapist or medication if helpful). The other caution is about your children. Please allow them to see him and keep it casual, again without expectations for the future. But, my caution is that you said he was very mean to you as a child. Given that you do not know him well at this point, I would not have my children be alone with him. I hope I am not adding to your stress, but I feel you have every right to protect your children. Peace.

Ladybug gets 5 flowers from me :) it's exactly what I was thinking.

L.A. The only thing I can add is that family is family. No matter what.
I have had many issues with my brother. But he is still my brother. When I saw he was in a better state of mind, I made sure to make time for him to see my kids. They understand that Uncle Tommy is not always around, but they also understand that when he is around he loves them and we love him. Now Uncle Anthony is a constant. No matter what he will always be around.
Staying mad at him when he is trying to come around hurts more in the long run. I would not attack him when you see him either. Wait for a quiet moment and just say, hey I missed you. What happened? I felt like were getting close and you up and abandoned us. If he says he was just trying to work through his own issues, be understanding. But let him know that next time he can come to you. (only admit that if you are really willing to be supportive).
Good Luck!!
Blessings!
D.

I would remind myself that I have no idea with what he has been dealing / how he has been living for the past 3 years. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and figure he had a good reason to keep to himself. I would see him when I see him and just accept that he is who he is and how he is. I would tell him that my door and phone are open and then leave it up to him to communicate, but I wouldn't expect anything. I would probably feel a fleeting sadness at the lack of a deep relationship and what could have been but then I know that I can't (and don't want to) be close with everyone, especially those who don't desire it. Best of luck.

I understand your hurt and confusion, for sure. I think it's OK to not feel warm and fuzzy about your brother right now. And although you cannot understand how there could possibly be a good excuse for his silence, I'm sure he has a reason. Maybe not a GOOD (enough) reason for you, but an explanation of his own. You just don't know what it is yet.
I can really identify with this. Honestly. So I would say (as I would TRY to tell myself), to try and not predetermine if you'll accept his homecoming with open arms or not. Because right now, you don't have all of the facts. If you decide you are angry no matter what, and then you realize you should have some compassion for him, it may be difficult to switch gears and know what to do.
I think it'll be a little uncomfortablet in the first few minutes. But just try to be a little warm, and just listen to what he has to say, what he talks about, and how he interacts with you all. Since he is coming to visit, I would think his family matters to him in some way, and he has come to the 'other side' of whatever he has been going through. Wait to see what that is, and try not to feel at any point, like you need to make some big decision of acceptance, or not. Let your heart lead you in the moment, naturally.
I hope it all works out!! Maybe he'll actually email or call you, before he really comes. Maybe he is nervous to see you as well. Best wishes to you!!

The fact that you don't see depression as "an excuse to cut family out of your life like that" tells me that you don't really understand depression, and that is a blessing. This is not a criticism. People who don't get it just don't get it. If you would like to feel better about it or understand it more, maybe you can read up on it or speak with a counselor or join a support group (online?) for family of people who suffer from depression or other mental or emotional disorders. You probably don't think that you have tiem for something like that, but it might help you to understand and relate better with your brother. Contrary to what you might think, you won't improve on anything by exercising tough love with him. Actually, you'll probably make it worse. Maybe you can encourage him to express himself more openly with you if you recognize that it's not personal against you or your mother or your children, but it's about how he relates to himself and the world around him. As frustrating as it can be, you will get nowhere with him if you are unwilling to accept him for exactly who he is and let him come to you in his time. Decide how you really feel about him. Do you genuinely like him?? I'm thinking that you might not be fully recovered from the treatment you got from him as a kid. If you were friends as children, you would probably be more willing to reach out to him when he just can't reach out to you.

The thing with chemical imbalances like depression...is that you can not expect him to see something the same way you do ("I don't think it is an excuse to cut family out of your life"...and on and on). I have an aunt who struggles with depression - along with 4 of her children...she has said before that they need to be on their medication and it needs to be balanced for any counseling/reasoning/etc. to have ANY effect. It really is too bad that he won't take medication - it's like a diabetic refusing insulin. That being said - this life is short - don't try to punish him and your children because you can't get over this. I have found that forgiveness is far more for us, than it ever is for the other person. Harboring those kinds of negative feelings won't do anybody any good - especially you. Best of luck with it all working out!

Not that this is the same but here goes. I have a friend who was very ill.
Turns out metastatic uterine cancer. Local doc wanted to do a very very major surgery. Luckily, I was there when he proposed this. Because I am
well versed in the medical field due to my own major problems, I asked if I
could jump in. She said take it away. I wanted a 2nd opinion at Columbia
Presbyterian with one of the top surgeons. Gathered her records, and went
down. His opinion. NO surgery. Radiation reevaluate, and then chemo.
Prognosis not good 6 weeks to 6 months. Well I brought her home (her
husband had passed and son with mental illness) and she lived with me
and my husband for 10 months. The first f/u appt. the doc was shocked to
see how well she responded. He had never seen that response before.
Well fast forward 2 1/4 years. She is still with us but due to another docs
decision to take her off chemo (long story) the tumor is growing and not
responding well once she went back on chemo. Now she does not call.
I leave messages etc. Nothing. It has been three months since we have
spoken. Now I do feel sorry for her but at the same time, I gave up almost
a year of my life (and would do it again) for her, at least give me the respect
of updates. If she does not want to talk, OK. Just text and tell me. She
just disappears. She always had an incredible outlook and good sense of
humor. Those 10 months were incredible. I am so angry at her right now
for not keeping in touch. So I know how you feel. I know she is depressed
but there is nothing I can do. Then all of a sudden I get a message, "I have
to go into the hospital" call me. Well I am sick right now. JUst got out of
hospital. Have not called back yet because I just do not know what to say.
I love her like a sister, but like you, I am done. I am not cold hearted, just
hurt. I know it is not about me. I had promised she could come back and
live with me when the going got rough, but I now babysit my grandbabies.
They are walking petri dishes during the winter. She cannot be around them. Do you think she is angry. She has a daughter, who I love, but even
she does not communicate in any way. I understand how you fee. He is
your sibling, so maybe rethink your decision. If you chose, not to see, him
I understand that too. Wow sorry so long.

To me, the pattern makes it sound like he might fight with bouts of depression or mental illness. Either that, or he's suffering with an addiction of some sort. It would explain the periods of hiding & not communicating, followed by a sudden reemergence & interest in the family. Been there, done that, and the behaviors were very similar.

To me, it doesn't sound like he is purposely trying to be hurtful. It sounds like maybe he is battling some demons that he doesn't want anyone to know about. It's easy to hide it when you live out of state. He might be embarrassed or not want to burden you with his problems.

In any event, have you tried to write him a letter explaining how the absences make you feel? Maybe expressing your feelings would help bring you back together. Personally, I feel that family is very important. I would forgive & move on, with no expectations.

It sounds like he is suffering a lot more than depression. There is not a lot you can do for him if he lives in California and you live in Colorado. I know you haven't seen or talked to him in a few years so you don't know the details of his life. Why is he sharing a home with friends? Does he work? Does he have insurance?

Do not take his absence as 'writing you off'. It sounds like he is dealing with a mental illness and simply can't communicate with you or see you.

You mention that he was a mean older brother that can be a symtom of mental illness that just gets worse as he gets older. He needs help -- find a way to get him the help he needs.

I think you should visit with him. Air things out. Forgive him for your sake if not for his. All of the anger you feel isn't healthy.

Here's the thing about depression. He's not taking his medication because of his depression. People handle depression differently, and they view taking medications differently. And the fact is that just because *you* picked yourself up by the bootstraps and got your life in order and are dealing with your depression that doesn't mean that he's able to do the same.

Have you thought about this, though? Maybe the fact that he contacted your mother and is planning a visit means he's finally found a way to cope with the depression that includes a treatment that's working? You said yourself that you haven't spoken in three years.

My brother and I went through a rough patch awhile back. He moved and never gave me the new address, phone number, nothing. It was all related to his nasty wife. Was I mad, hurt, sad, upset? Oh yeah. But when he called me out of the blue over a year later I kept in mind that he is my brother, he has his own problems and forgiveness is so healing. Sounds like your brother was reeling from his breakup and handled it in a way that didn't sit well with you and yours. Understandable for you to be upset and hurt. Just try to remember it wasn't about you and your kids, it was about his mental state with what he was dealing with and his inability to deal with it in another way. Life is short (seems to be my mantra this morning) and your brother is an important part of your life, don't lose sight of that.

Okay, I will try to be as positive as I can about this. You responded in the update that he was pretty much dead to the family, but he wasn't. You should be greatful that he isn't and that you have a chance to restore your relationship. I would give up anything to have my brother back and let my children get to know him better. That is not a possibilty, since he is gone forever from us. Cherish the moments you have because you never know what the future brings and you may end up with some pretty heavy regrets.

You need to emotionally protect yourself and your children, would seeing him or not seeing him be best for you all? In other words, would accepting him 'just as he is' (mental health, faults and all) be more enriching or hurtful? I have a brother, who is more manic than depressed, begin to target me with hurtful comments. I'm a direct person and would call him on his inappropriate and ever changing complaints; I did want to be part of his life (his two children) and wanted my children to know their uncle, but I'm also nobody's doorstep. I eventually cut him off (3 years later) and told him that I was no longer going to provide him with the opportunity to lash out at me and that if he ever learned to accept me just as I am I would love to continue a healthy sister/brother/uncle relationship. It has now been four years, and he is tries to send comments with other family, but I always stop the comment from being delivered by saying "next time he tells you to tell me something, tell him I'd love to hear directly from him"
Now back to your brother, everyone copes differently and what works for some, doesn't work for others. Do you want your children to know their uncle personally, just as he is? I do show my daughter pictures of my brother (when she asks me who he is) and the only explanation I give is that he doesn't think about what he says before he says it and he doesn't visit us because he is mad at me. My daughter seems satisfied with that and never asks more questions. Good luck with your decision.

Whether or not you run from this is your choice. Sometimes that is the best choice, if the family member in question has a history of violence, for instance. Based on what you've said here, that is not the case. He is undependable and doesn't value his family. Potentially painful for the unguarded, but not dangerous.

In your place I think I'd stay and see him and let him meet my daughter. I would prepare the children ahead of time. I think 8 is old enough to understand if you explain that your brother is unstable and likely to disappear for long stretches of time, and that if he makes promises about seeing the kids or doing things with them, he is expressing what he wishes he could do at that moment, not what he will do. Kids do understand when you tell them that someone is not dependable, and that they should be kind but not expect any more from that person. Then I would try to follow the same advice I had just given my children.

If you don't think your kids can handle that, then find somewhere you really have to be that week.

I would forgive him and enjoy him and move on. It sounds like he could be finally dealing with depression, perhaps meds or something that can help him be normal. I have a son who battles depression, he hid in the house for months after some of his friends 'so called' friends, spurred him on and egged him into breaking up with his girlfriend. We are talking about adult males. He regretted it, but was also dealing with the pain of bipolar disorder which is almost as crippling with out the proper meds and therapy as a leg that is broken. since you don't know much and can only go on his behavior, it is my guess that he lived a very painful lonely life. And like my son, the lack of communication angers us, but celebrate the moments that are good, because people really are so fragile.

You don't know the full extent of what happened to him. Always remember this saying: Blood is Thicker than Water! We have had some very hard times this last year, and I personally would like to write off a few of my family members because of their actions, but I always remember that statement to help me get through. Now, if I would have written them off, then what kind of a person would I be since they just lost their baby?
Be excited to see your brother, get your kids excited to see him. Put your feelings in the closet and help mend your relationship with him.

My 27 year old brother has bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I rarely hear from him at all, and it is VERY hurtful not to have him call, or to return my phone calls, Facebook messages, texts, etc. I have to remind myself each time that it is NOT personal. He is sick. I will never turn my back on him, because I DO have a very strong sense of family and I remember him as he was before he got sick. We DID have a very close relationship until his schizophrenia manifest itself in his late teens.

What do I do? When my parents come to visit, they bring my brother (but because of his schizophrenia and unpredictable nature, they stay in a hotel). Our interactions are still rather limited, but one day, my siblings and I will be all he has. My parents won't live forever.

Make the sacrifice to be there when he comes to town. Since you haven't really talked to him or had any communication with him for a while you don't know what he was going through. For example, people who are depressed seek to cut others out of their lives. They don't return phone calls or emails or anything. They hurt the people that matter most -- the people they will later want to connect with and have relationships with. He is reaching out now. He might have reached out through your mom because he is too scared about how you will react and wants to give you time to sort it out before you respond. He is family. He was good for a time, and then had a rough spot. It may be that he has a rough spot again where it seems like he is "writing you off". Family sticks together through all of that. I know it can be hard, but see if you can have compassion for him and forgive him the hurts he caused.

You set the tone, and my opinion is you need to adopt a more gentle view of your brother. I see it as a positive that he acknowledges you have kids at all and has expressed an interest in seeing them..regardless of how your relationship has been. Do you really think it would be better to be gone over letting your kids be introduced/reintroduced to one more person that wants to see them?
People will come in and out of your children's lives. Not everyone will stick around and be super involved, but that is the beauty of life. You get to teach them to adapt to all different situations. You obviously have a clear picture of who your brother is and how he is. You can't change him, so make the best of what you get of him.

I have pretty much the same situation with my brother, but I live in a different country, and with my brother, he just won't spend the money to come visit. He's met my children once, because we flew in to see him...he won't spend the money to come here. Basically, whatever relationship we have is because of the effort -I- make. He doesn't call, he doesn't send birthday cards or Christmas cards...he MIGHT send an email or post on my facebook for my birthday, but that's it. He won't call, because it involves paying for the call. I am very hurt by it, but I have just come to the conclusion that I have to take what I can get, even if it's all from my side. So if I see that he's online on facebook, I send him a message to say hi. Sometimes he responds, but usually not. And as far as gift giving or visiting, I only put in the same effort he's willing to. So if he won't go out of his way, then I won't go out of mine. For example...he was just in Germany for a conference. I live in the Netherlands. His entire trip and stay was paid for, so he had no expenses at all...yet he wanted me to spend 200 Euros per person for my 4 person family to come by train to see him...on my son's 4th birthday. It's a 7 hour train ride. He wasn't willing to spend 200 euros for HIMSELF to come here and ride the train for 7 hours...why should -I- pay 4 times that and make my 4 year old sit in a train for 7 hours on his birthday when every time I've seen my brother in the last 9 years has been because -I- paid for the trip? Had he said "I'd like to meet you in the middle" or "I'd like to come spend a day with you, can I stay at your house?" we would have done that. But I will no longer make the effort if he doesn't. You said your brother is making a trip....he's making an effort. I'd say take what you can get and hope this is his way of opening that door again. Take it slowly and be cautious, but give him a chance. Perhaps he just hasn't known what to say to you or how to apologize for his past behavior. You might explain to him that you are worried about your kid's feelings if he disappears again because they won't understand. Let him know that you want to build a relationship, but you can't let him abandon your kids once you've let him into their lives. Your kids have to come first...if he makes light of it, then proceed with caution.

I agree with Denise. Family is family--quirks and all. I have family like that and I take it as it comes. I don't put weight in trying to build anything beyond what it is but appreciate it when it is there. I have just one brother and luckily, we are close, but we fight constantly. Some family make effort to connect, some don't. You made the effort, balls in his court but I wouldn't pull away. Does that make sense? :) Basically, arms length to avoid any drama.

This is in no way intended to sound negative, but I'm curious why your brother's attention and acceptance is so important to you, at this stage of the game? Was he a father-figure in your life? Or was he a father figure to your son when son was little? [ETA: now I see that he was hurtful to you as a kid . . . that's still an important role in your early years, even though it was a negative one].

I feel that people need to establish themselves in their adult lives, and not feel entitled to their siblings as a support network. It's *wonderful* if they are (God bless all the great sibling relationships), but sometimes they can't be for reasons that are good, bad, or indifferent.

I find that my children take my lead on issues like that . . . if I'm OK they tend to be OK too. The most important relationships to them are with their parents.

I would try to see him when he's in town, provided it was at no great "investment" from my end, i.e., I didn't have to dramatically change plans, etc. I wouldn't get my kids all jazzed up for it - I would just stay casual about it. To not see him out of anger seems to hurt you more than him. It makes him too important in your life - a status he does not rightfully possess.

I do think it's weird that he's working through your mom to get to you (if that's what's happening). I would tell her "Mom - tell him to call me so we catch up, and set a time for when he's here." I would not allow her or him to triangulate your mom into that scenario. He needs to be direct with you and you with him.

JMO.

ETA: After reading your SWH it sounds like depression is the big problem here. I still think you need to do your own thing, with our without him, and don't let it affect you so much that it affects your kids.

ETA II (lol): Now that I think about it, is it possible you were hurt by his rejection growing up, and then when he got close to your son for a bit it warmed your heart? Then when he disappeared you felt rejected again? I still think this - somehow - goes back to your early relationship with him. That's the part that needs to heal. Somehow I would try to explore those feelings, and then let them go.