Nothing Is Ever Good Enough for My Dad

I had similar issues with my mother's attitudes for years, until I finally just "got it" that I had to live my life as I saw fit, believe what I thought was true, and behave in ways that made sense to me. Suddenly it was no longer an issue what my mother thought.

From this new vantage point, I simply don't need her approval, pride in me, or even love, though I know that she does love me in her own way. Wow, what a relief. And, interestingly enough, now that I don't fret, she doesn't try to control. She somehow knows I no longer "need" her good opinion.

When she does offer advice, I just cheerfully thank her, consider whether it will serve me or not, and use or discard it. No sweat. If she gets upset with me, that's her problem, and I let her work it out however she has to.

I wish I could tell you how I got to this wonderful place. It was the result of many years of spiritual and emotional work, and I think that will look different for everyone. But I heard a quote lately that sums it up well: Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.

I wish that for you.

my mom is like this to a point. I have decided to just not tell her things. It has worked wonders! That way she has nothing to respond to and I don't have to be upset if she does respond. So maybe try to keep the information you give him to a minimal. Good luck to you!

Hi K.,

I am familiar with really wanting my father's approval. It took a few years, but I decided that the person I had to live with, when all was said and done, was me. This is not easy. I consciously made efforts to stop any advice offered. "I appreciate your opinion, but this decision is not yours to make."

I took the scary leap to stand up to him and then practiced being ok with my decisions regardless of his comments. Notice I said practiced. This is not easy but in the long run, your father will admire you for your strength.

My father and I now have a good relationship. He does not offer any more advice because he realized that my husband and I were going to make our own decisions and his opinions were not important. Also, I stopped giving him information about upcoming decisions and just told him about outcomes. The good outcomes make it easier for him to only have good things to say.

Again, as a daughter, this is not easy. It takes time and practice and a lot of days of anguish, but in the long run you will be happier for standing by your man and letting your dad out of that role.

D.

You've already gotten a lot of great responses! I'm guessing you may have already tried to tell him how his comments make you feel, and he probably got mad over it and you haven't tried again since. Been there. We finally started limiting time spent with toxic relatives. And we definitely started keeping family decisions and info to ourselves. If my mom (or my FIL) asks specific questions, we give vague answers or "Oh, not sure yet..." The first dozen times we did it, our relatives got mad for our indecision and criticized our perceived flightiness, but then they got tired of that because we just kept giving them the same answer over and over. It's sad that we have to play these games, but toxic relatives never change, and we both got tired of the constant attacks on our relationship, our jobs, our decision to wait to have kids, our timing when we did, our parenting skills (or apparent lack of)...So, we told (not ask, told) my parents that we were going to start doing every other Christmas at their house and we'd be SO happy if they came to our house on "our" year, and we started screening out calls and talking to my FIL only once a month. My mom stopped arguing when we simply didn't show up for dinner one Christmas (and had a delightful Christmas at home), and my FIL stopped wasting our phone time together on complaints and criticism because he realized that when he did, we suddenly had someone at the door and had to hang up. You sound like an awesome person and awesome mother, and you don't deserve this. At the same time, you don't want to shut your father out completely. So, take the reins and get control. You can do it! I'll be rooting for you!

Wow - I wish I'd had this kind of support forum when I was in my 20's - I never knew there were so many women out there dealing with the same thing, especially as my father was dying from cancer.

So many of the women here have said the same thing I would say: basically, "Let go." But goodness knows that is easier said than done! Have you ever tried therapy? Not because there's anything "wrong" with you, not because you're lacking in any way, but just "for" you, a gift to yourself. I'm guessing that with all you do, taking care of yourself might come last on the list. ;-)

Congrats on raising and homeschooling so many wonderful children. You must be very talented and loving. Keep surrounding yourself with people who recognize that and who support you. Best of luck to you.

P.S. Like some of the other women here, it's taken me well into my adult-hood to work on these sorts of family issues, so please don't trick yourself into thinking it's something you "should be handling 'easily'. "

Stop looking for that "dad" love and approval that you have probably craved all your life. For whatever reason he can't give it and it is NOT YOUR fault.

You will always have a hole in your heart where his love should be, but somehow you have to move past it. Otherwise you compound the error.

You sound like a wonderful wife and mom. Keep up the good work, and know that your Father in heaven sees all the good that you do (don't know if you are religious but that's how I see it).

It is so sad. It seems that most of us continue well on into adult life wanting our parents to approve of us and love us the way that we want to be loved. It's not going to happen. They are the way they are and we are the way we are. We can only change ourselves. Once we realize that we don't need their approval we can learn to stop being affected by their criticism. It's a maturation process for us.

I often hear that no one can upset us without our permission and over many years I finally realize that for the most part that is true. When our parents criticize us we are hurt because we do want their approval. And all too often we equate love with approval. If they don't approve of us they don't love us.

Parents often teach their children to feel this way by criticizing and punishing children instead of teaching and disciplining them. When parents are angry with children, children don't feel love. They feel judgment. As children we must depend on our parents. We can't leave the house or not listen to them.

Once we're independent adults we don't have to live with them or even listen to them but no one has taught us how to stop that emotional cycle. We don't learn how to set and enforce our boundaries. And once we do learn our parents often don't respect our boundaries and we are afraid to enforce them because we want them to love us. It seems we spend our whole lives trying to be loved by our parents.

I've found that once I learned to love myself as much as I wanted to be loved by my parents I wasn't so upset by their opinions. Unfortunately this was close to the end of their lives.

I did learn many diplomatic ways to get out of listening to them which did decrease my stress level. I learned that when I get an inkling that I'm starting to get upset that I find a way to end the conversation. In my family it works to say, "I don't want to talk about it." I then start a new unrelated conversation. If that doesn't work, I leave or hang up the phone. If they are visiting from out of town, I discover an errand I must run or I go for a walk.

Yes, we still had some fights. Parents and children know how to push each others buttons. The next step is then to discover what my buttons are so that I can say to myself, "whoops, that's a button and work on ignoring what they said.

For me the most important step, after continuously affirming for myself that I am a good person and am loved, is to keep out of conversations that lead to advice. I don't ask what "they" think (and now is anyone who is critical of me and my decisions). If I need to give them information I word the information as a clear statement. If they ignore my stance, I tell them I'm not asking for their device and if they continue I leave or hang up.

This is not so easy to do. We've been conditioned that listening to and often also to agree with our parents is the criteria for showing respect. Yes, children do have to listen to but I don't ask them to agree with me. I require that they do what I've told them to do. I will listen to them tell me their reasons for disagreeing and I will sometimes change my mind. I haven't always been able to do this. I have to be confident enough in what I believe to allow a discussion and again be confident to allow for my change of mind. With children, the bottom line is that Mom and Dad, teachers, the police, or any adult responsible for them is the final authority.

All too often parents don't accept that their child(ren) are now adults and responsible for themselves. I went thru several years feeling that I was still responsible for teaching my adult daughter things that I obviously hadn't been able to teach her while she was a child. She and I get along much better now that I can allow her to make her own mistakes and suffer the consequences for them. I, truly, am no longer responsible.

I suspect that your father does want the best for you and that, in my way of thinking is love. It's just not the kind of love I wanted from my father. I also believe that love is about trust. Many parents mess up their relationship with their children because they do lack trust. Trust requires the ability to accept that the child/adult child will make mistakes and allow them to suffer the consequences of those mistakes. Wow! That's a very difficult way to feel. Because we do want the best for them and we want their lives to be better than our own was.

I suggest that the overbearing parent who argues with us over our decisions is actually a frightened person who lacks confidence in themselves as parents and in their ability to have done a good enough job with us while we were growing up.

My father was confined to bed during the last few years of his life. During that time I came to realize that he was a frightened man who had done the best that he could and who now had no power left. He stopped giving me advice, most likely because he didn't have the strength to be involved. I then realized that he loved me the best that he could. His eyes lit up when I came to visit. He asked me about my life and he listened far more than he had when he was healthy. I then remembered times when he did love me in the way I needed to be loved. He did show concern when I was in pain and did do the best for me that he was able to do. He was handicapped by his parent's fear in raising him and his own fear of life. I wish that I could've reached that understanding when I was younger. Then I wouldn't have fought so hard with him. I wouldn't have had to prove that I knew what was best for me. Perhaps if I'd been more confident in my own decisions he'd have had more confidence in me too.

One of my brothers wasn't able to reach that place of peace and continued to fight as long as my Dad had fight in him. That brother is still angry at my Dad and has displaced that anger onto our youngest brother. We have to let go of our anger. And we do that by realizing that we are now adults and no longer dependent on our parents. What they think, say, or do does not
need to affect us. We are in control of what we do and how we feel.

Hi Momma-
I am so sad for you and really don't know what to say except- Have you ever watched the Gilmore Girls?
Sigh.
Parents, I think, are so fearful that we will either repeat their mistakes or make ones that they can't fix, OR make ones that they don't know how to respond to and they just freak out. He is still your dad and clearly hasn't stopped parenting you.
All I can say is keep sticking to your decisions and don't back down.
It's hard when someone is so miserable and you are trying to make healthy, wholesome decisions for your family.
What I do know is that people who make radical changes for the right reasons seem crazy by everyone else's standards. We used to have a pastor that left his career as a fire fighter, his home, his town, his parents, to take his wife and children to where he believed he needed to be. Everyone ridiculed him and his wife for supporting him. They said he was insane to leave such security behind to pursue Christ and a home made family instead of a career and a life with all the perks of "success." But I can tell you that their success as a family and his as a pastor are phenomenal. I have never seen a more well adjusted family who knows that money isn't happiness, and that staying home with your kids, or buying your first house, or leaving your 100, 000 dollar a year job while a bit scary, IS the best thing for you. Your kids will know you , and you them. Your home will be smaller but happier.
And momma, do me a favor- stand up and draw a circle around yourself. Then put your arms out to your sides and see how far you can reach. Everything inside of that circle is everything that you have control over. Everything outside that circle that you can touch (your reach) can only be touched, hugged, or influenced, but not controlled by you. That is the limitation of who we are. Your father chooses his own actions, and if he is not going to speak to you for wanting him to visit you over Christmas instead of the other way around, then that is his choice. But when he does start talking to you, tell him that you would like to start a new tradition- and have him and his wife over. Then the rest is up to him. Explain that you love him and want him there, but that you are doing this for your children and your family. It's your turn now. And he is welcome to join you if he so desires. You have opened the door and given him opportunity. But you can't force him through it.
I do know that if you love him from where you are and let him know regularly, that he will either pull away from the fire and sit steely in his own rigidness, OR he will miss the warmth of the fire and come closer to you.
He has built a lifetime of negativity around himself, and those have nothing to do with you- but his own insecurity.
My prayers, my hope, and all encouragement are with you. Never give up and never let him bring you down. Open the door to him and leave it that way.
Good luck momma. Keep up the awesome work!

Your dad sounds like a real prize. He's never going to change, so stop hoping for it. (In your head) just say, 'Quack, quack, quack! I'm a duck!' and let it roll off your back. Out loud say, 'Dad, I feel upset when you criticize my choices. In the future, I want you to either be supportive or keep your opinion to yourself.' If he can't do that, then end the conversation either by hanging up, leaving the room or the house, depending.

It is very challenging dealing with negativism in your life. I am amazed at how positive and successful you have been despite his best efforts. You and your husband should be proud of your accomplishments! As for how to deal with it, as it probably won't do any good at this stage to 'change' him is to change your response. We can only control ourselves anyway. One tool to use is to reframe in your mind how you'll receive his words. For example, assign him, in your mind, the job of identifying the cons of a decision. Then you can determine if you've evaluated it and put in some risk mitigating strategies. You are already doing this, of course, but it will help you to actively think this way in regards to his words. Another possible reframe is to see if you can predict with your husband in advance, in a very light and humorous way, how your father might respond. Imagine, you and your husband have role played how your father will respond to X, maybe put a friendly wager on who will be the closest to his answer. And when your dad provides his advice, as you know he will, you either start giggling with glee or do a Woop, Woop and High Five with your partner and say 'Cool! Honey, you owe me a pedicure'. OK, I know it sounds like I am making light of something serious, but consider how you'd like to be able to respond to your Father's input. Remember, advice is cheap and you don't have to use it, no matter who it comes from. Why internalize it? Own your decisions and take pride in them, it sounds like you have been doing an excellent job with living a good life.

Good luck!

You have gotten a lot of great responses here, so really this is just my two cents; You sound like an intelligent, thoughtful, and careful woman who has made some tough choices and made the best of some difficult situations. Love and approval comes from within, love yourself, approve of yourself, as it is unlikely that you will ever get the kind of respect and aprroval you would like from your father. I am sorry, I know how much you, and all of us, want that unconditional love from our parents, but it is probably never going to happen. Take care of yourself and your beautiful family, you are doing a great job. I hope you find the emotional support you are looking for from someone else.

I have always thought when people have such negative attitudes that it's because they are basically unsure of themselves and insecure in their own lives. I know this doesn't help you when you are feeling the frustration of his negativity.
What I think I would try doing if I were you is the next time he comes off with a negative comment, simply smile and sweetly say something like "thank you for the suggestion Dad. I'll consider it". Then say no more and just go on doing what you are doing. That should diffuse his negativity. How is he going to be able to keep an argument going if you agree with him? You will likely have to enlist your husband (and possibly at least the older of your children) in this plan so they won't feel like you are turning on them when they hear you do this the first few times.

Don't let him put you down, you know what's good for your family not him. He raised you and your sister and I assume your sisters are doing well too. You don't need his advice or approval of anything. Take it with a grain of salt as some say and just keep going about your day. If you let it get to you, your only letting him win the battle to make you upset. Do what's best for you and your family and if he gets made the tough cookies, tell him he can cry you a river, build a bridge and get over it. Hope this advice helped. :) good luck to you and your family.

I know you will probably get a lot of advice on what to do, but after reading this I must tell you that you are a fabulous wife and mother. It is funny in hindsight that you see all of this and it is great that you continue to do what is best and right for your family. Once you are married, you become your own family and it is up to you to set the standard. You will have very good, understanding, loving kids and I think in this situation all you can do is sort of laugh at it and not let if affect you or your sisters or family. I know it is frustrating for you and we often just want some sort of consistency with our parents but there comes a time when you just have to shrug it off. I really get the sense that you are doing your best and I will say that I am super proud of you!! LOL

That sounds really frustrating. Have you tried telling him your feelings about this? I'm sure you have and he probably hasn't changed. The good thing is, though, that it is clear that he loves you and wants the best for you in his own, grumpy way. My dad died a while ago from a heart attack and I have to tell you that I now understand that he was never going to change and I wish I would have spent more time just loving and appreciating him as he was-- frustrating aspects and all. It's easy to say suck it up and love him anyway when you're not right in the middle of it though...

I would talk to my Dad. Tell him how he makes you feel. He may think that he's pushing you to strive to do something bigger and better and not realize how hurtful he's being. Or he could just simply be a negative person. In any case...don't tell him any news and have a sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel.

If you don't want to do that...simply stop telling your Dad all this stuff. Talk about the weather or something mundane. Maybe he'll realize you don't let him into your life anymore and ask why.

Finally, like someone else said...stop looking for his approval in evreything. You are an adult and you make your own decisions. If you wind up making a bad decision---oh well! You have to learn from your own mistakes somehow. Advice from your Dad is one thing...but him belittling you and making you feel you're not good enough is not right. Good luck!

It sounds like there are many of us out there in a similar situation to yours.

Like you, growing-up, I was a great kid. Great grades, athletic, well-rounded. It wasn't good enough. I was always in the shadows of my sisters who were the apples of my parents' eyes.

I'm the only one who's moved away from Mom and Dad. We talk to them about once/week, but we are often forgotten when there are big Christmas/Easter events at my parents house. They only call after everyone has left. It sucks to be the black sheep of the family.

When I was diagnosed with cancer after the birth of my second child, my Mom and one sister came to visit once. My other sister never bothered visiting because her kids had too many activities. Great lesson. My own mother has asked me twice in the past 3 months what kind of cancer I had because she just can't remember. Hodgkins isn't a hard word to remember.

So, what my husband and I decided was that we would continue with superficial relationships with the families for the sake of our kids. We want them to know their grandparents, their cousins and their aunts/uncles. But, we're no longer going to put forth extreme efforts into families that are critical of us because we choose to live differently from them.

My best advice, pull back on the relationship enough for your sanity but not too much to hurt the possibility of your kids having a relationship with your father/step-mother.

Best wishes.

Stop telling your dad everything! I'm sure your husband is tired of hearing his hurtful comments and probably doesn't like dealing with you being upset about it either. He signed up for a loving wife and mom to his kids without the excess "daddy baggage." So give him that. Just call your dad once or twice a month to check in on him, and live your life the way you and your husband want to without the seemingly needed approval from your dad.

My mom does something similar to this (always has) and I finally stopped including her in things and only tell her when it's over. I've learned to word it in a more "it's already happened so I'm not asking your opinion" kind of way so she keeps her mouth shut. I did eventually sit her down and tell her what I was doing and why and it's much better, but I can totally see her bitting her tongue sometimes.
Best of luck,
C.

Hi K.,

It sounds like you are talking about my dad. It took me 50 years to not give a damn what he thinks. My dad had a very abusive father and I think basically just does not know how to show love or approval to his children. Although he was never abusive he could never show love, or acceptance. This has really effected my brother (who is 46) in every aspect of his life. My brother is very held back and is still seeking his approval. I have tried to reassure him that it is not him and he should just stop trying. Basically I think people like this are very unhappy people inside and just can't let go of it. My father is very judgmental, when ever he would come into my home I would just tense up. I was always worried about what he was thinking. Are my kids perfect, is my house perfect, is my marriage perfect. Guess what my father has been married 4 times, and is still not a very happy man. So one day I woke up and said who the hell is he to judge me or give me his opinion when he clearly cannot run his own life. That was such an eye opener for me. Now I just don't care. Set yourself free do not let his judgment prevent you from being happy. On the flip side because of his constant criticism I am a very successful woman today. I guess his pushing and my constant need to please him has made me a very competent and driven women. Apparently you are as well!!!! To be able to raise 5 children and home school them, my hat goes off to you. Give yourself a pat on the back and live your life for you not him and do not wait as long as I did. Just say to yourself who cares what he thinks, I am a grown woman and he can no longer effect me. Be confident, once he feels your confidence he may back off. It is almost like the class bully when they know they have that much control over you they will run with it. You do not have to argue with him just brush off his comments and let your inner voice remind you of how wonderful you are and what a great job you are doing. The funny part is my father will tell everyone but me how proud he is of me and what a wonderful mom and business woman I am. He just can't seem to get the words out for me. Go figure!!! Good luck to you!!

Hi K.,
Both my husband and I have similar issues with our fathers. It is tough to spend time with them, because no matter what the occasion is, we know eventually something derogatory will be said to one of us or both of us, and the whole event will be spoiled.

Your dad sounds incredibly narcissist. This really is a psychological problem that he has. He wants everything to be his way, and when it is not he will bully and pressure you to do things his way. Even when your ideas turn out to be correct, he takes credit for it! My husband and I are older than you, in our late 40's and have had to accept that our dads are just narcissistic a-holes! We limit our time with them. And when they begin to get out of line or say something rude, we literally don't respond. If that means we get up and leave, then that is what we do.

You may need to get to a point where you make a decision on how you want to be treated, and don't waver from that. It takes time and is a really tough decision. You need to remember that as an adult, he is responsible for his behavior and you need to make him understand what kind of behavior is and is not acceptable to you.

You sound like an incredibly accomplished woman. I'm sure you are doing a great job schooling your kids. You are creating memories with them that you all will cherish for a lifetime. Please don't let your fathers insecurities affect what you are doing. Stay your course, let him know how you expect to be treated and you will not tolerate rude behavior.

A rule of thumb I now use... if you would not tolerate that kind of behavior from a co-worker of friend... why is okay to tolerate it from a relative?

Stay strong, and good luck!

are you sure we don't have the same dad hehe:) my dad was that way too he thought girls more so than my brothers should be treated like kids. I flat told him you raised your 3 its my turn. and if you don't like the way I live and want to control my life then I suggest you start paying my bills until then shut up. My dad quit doing it to me and kept doing it to my brothers and did till he died. My little brother turned into his perfect child did exactly what he said when he said. Thats my brothers problem. He treated his wife like a 3 yr old not my mom the witch he married later. He wanted the perfect picture family.

You know what you are doing and you sound like a very good mom he can't upset you if you don't let him. When my dad was dying he was glad I was so independent because his wife would nag him to do this and that and I told her (he couldnt talk) he is a grown adult he knows the outcome of his decisions it is his choice to live or die.
No matter what you do your not going to change him he is old and set in his ways but you can make him respect you by standing up to him. If nobody else does that is thier problem not yours. I had to tell him dad I can't live my life the same way you did yours because my circumstances are different and I have to do what works best for me.
I would straight ask him what do you accomplish by criticizing everyone? Why can't you say one nice thing to any body in your life? That will make him stop and think he may not realize hes doing it. Good luck and don't take him personal. Your right it is your life and your choice. and you cant live his life so he just needs to get over it.

Boy, does this hit home with me. I spent a lifetime trying to please my dad... nothing I did was good enough. He died and I still harbored the anger for years. While he was alive, it got to the point with me that I did whatever I could to piss him off because whatever I did good wasn't good enough. Finally, 13 years after his death I wrote him a letter saying everything I needed to say and I felt so much better and the anger is gone. But I think back on all those years that I had to put up with this.

Decisions made by you and your family are what is important. It sounds like no matter what you do, your Dad will not be happy. You can try talking to him and stand up for yourself (I wish I had done that) or you can continue to be miserable and let him make you angry. Stick to your guns and don't let him get you down... it's really not worth it. He sounds like he is controlling like my dad was. It was his way or no way. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope this turns out better for you.

Do we have the same father? Certainly seems so. Your story of the A's is exactly what would happen with me when I was a kid, he would ask what I learned in school and then put down what I thought I had learned. I used to get frustrated trying to please him and get him to except me. I realized at some point that was a futile effort.
I learned long ago to just accept him for the way he is, which is still hard sometimes, not spend a lot of time with him and enjoy him when he is around and then he is less critical of me. It has worked for us... I don't know what will work for you. Good luck.

You seem to have set appropriate boundaries and are sticking to your guns. It seems your dad is being exactly who he has been all of your life, and what your longing for is for him to be different. The resolution to the problem is within you, not him. He is who he has shown you to be, consistently. The problem is you keep expecting him to be different than who he has been your whole life. If your open to changing your perception around this, then I would suggest you check out the Landmark Forum. It is a weekend long workshop type deal and you will learn so much about what scripts your running that are keeping you stuck, disappointed, trying to please, etc. You can literally change course in your relationship with your dad if you really want to. Its not about him, its about you. Goodluck.

Meaning no disrespect, but your Father seems to spew his negative feelings about himself to those who should mean the most to him, his children and grand children. His negative comments about others really reflect his feelings about his own inadequacies, in my opinion. YOU on the other hand are amazing! Keep doing what you are doing and if possible, get some counseling for yourself. YOU deserve to have someone professionally help you work this out.~ J.

I would confront him. Tell him how you feel without being a accusing (I know it's hard, but you just have to choose your wording carefully). Tell him if he doesn't stop being so negative that you will stop discussing anything with him until after the fact.

Wow this sounds so familiar. The props and kudos come late, and only after an avalanche of critical advice that was never asked for. Many people have lived in this same situation, including myself. By the time I turned 40 I realized that I honest to goodness no longer liked my father. He was not a nice man. He had bombarded me with so much negativity I began to hate his visits. I finally had to make a rather difficult decision to no longer have any contact with him. Sounds drastic I know, but there was not one person on earth that had treated me so terribly. So why was I inviting him into my life and home? I have no regrets at all and have enjoyed the peaceful four years I've had. My father continues with his behavior with my sister and she's also considering this action. I wish you the very best in your situation. Sometimes you can choose your family.