Old Family Disputes

N.,
Wow, whatever IT was that set off this dispute is certainly between those two and should stay ONLY between the two. I agree with staying neutral in the situation, especially since it's clear you're still close to both. So, thinking of this rationally and fairly, take the high road and assume your father is too. Your father offered to host the graduation party knowing your sister is part of your family, and knowing that it's an "entire family" celebration. It would be selfish of him to expect you not to invite your sister, and you'd be taking sides if you don't invite your sister. So, personally I would say (before sending out invites), 'Thank you dad for offering to host, knowing that everyone in the family may come, including (your sister). I'm very touched and honored that you are putting your past differences aside for this very special occasion - this means a lot to me and (your daughter).' Then address the issue directly...'Because this is (your daughter's) day, are you sure you'll do everything you can to keep positive interactions between you and (your sister)?' If he says 'yes', then praise and thank him. If he says 'no' then for your child's sake you should consider a different location (no matter how wonderful your father's place is for a party). As adults, we have to remember the graduation is about YOUR DAUGHTER, not the adults. So if the attention is going to be all on your father and/or your sister because of the location and inability for those two to get along then you have to find a neutral location, invite both (advising each) and let them decide to come or not. It's their dispute, not your childs and not yours. If either have a problem with that you need to stand up for your child and the very special occasion.
Good luck and congratulations to your daughter!

The rift may affect you, but it's not your issue to "figure out". Invite everyone, and be upfront with it - tell both your sister and your father that you have invited the other one as well because love them both, and want them to share in your daughter's graduation celebration, and hope they will come out of love for you and your daughter. Then stay out of it. They can then decide for themselves what they want to do. Hopefully they will make the mature decision and come - after all, it's for your daughter, and with all those activities and people there, it should be easy enough to avoid each other without ruining everyone else's day.

The best way to handle this is to evolve. Invite her + her family and absolutely tell your dad you want to have the whole family there and hope he will feel comfortale talking to her. And tell your sis you hope she'll come and say hi to your dad. Don't get involved in baby shower invitation problem. That's between them and its in the past. Here is a freah start, oppty to be open to eavh other.

I agree with most of what others have said - not your problem, they are adults and should be able to deal with this. The only thing I would add is that since you are having this party at his house, out of respect for him you should tell him that you are planning to invite your sister. If he has a problem with that, then you should have the party some place else. Yes, this party is about your daughter, but you cannot forget that he is allowing you to use his home.

Invite her, its time they both 'got over it' whatever IT was. If you are having a lot of people they wont have to have a cozy conversation and could choose whether or not to talk. Life is too short to hold grudges for 30 years. Tell your dad you are inviting her and let her decide if she wants to come.

Hi N.
I realize that living in this situation it seems overwhelming, and you don't know what to do. Reality says decide who you are in the situation. Are you taking sides in the problem or are you a neutral bystander? Who do you want to be in the situation?
I would want to be neutral. Therefore I send out the invitations to everyone, then go to Dad and say "you know we have invited the whole family" Then answer the questions he asks honestly. He knows who the whole family is. It is his decision. Sounds like the situation will be big enough that they won't have to be next to each other and just perhaps there will be a mending of the relationship, which would help everyone.
In the past showers were women events and lots of old dads would not feel comfortable going to them. His wife's decision was her decision. Everyone makes them every day.
Pray and seek Godly wisdom.
K. --SAHM married 38 years --- adult children 37,33, and twins 18

Invite everyone... let them deal with each other as they will...it's not your fight and your daughter should be allowed to see all of her family.
Just tell them all that you have invited everyone...if someone doesn't come because someone else will be there...then so be it.

Talk to both your sister and your dad and stress that this is a family reunion / GRADUATION party and that ALL family is invited. Then let them make up their minds. They can both either grow up and show up or miss out on a great opportunity. Life is short and when you least expect it someone dies. Tell them that if hard feelings from 30 years ago keep them away then it is their loss. Then don't fret just enjoy and realize that they are both adults that must make up their own minds. If one was an abuser and that is what caused the problem then don't invite that one but if it is not a "severe" happening then leave it up to them! Have fun and Congratulations to the Graduate!!! A.

You said it.. you would love to invite her. Send her a personnal note.. saying about the party and you would love it they all could put their personal problems aside and come and enjoy the day. Tell her how much you want her there.. but you don't want any one feeling uncomfortable or upset.. you hope she will come and have a good time. Leave it at that.. and good luck.. you put your hand out to her.. andhopefully she'll be adult enough to come and enjoy the day. Allie~~

These are always such difficult situations. I am in the middle of a family that has generations of certain people who don't talk to others. My grandfather doesn't speak to my dad or one of his sons (he has 4 children). There are 2 other siblings that do not speak to the same son that my grandfather doesn't speak to. My brother hates my husband and is only beginning to speak to him... So on and so forth.

When my daughter turned 1, my mother asked who I was choosing to invite and who I was excluding (b/c that's how she's chosen to deal with it over the years). I said - it's not my fight and I don't want to be a part of it. I invited everyone - and they all came (almost!) (this year is her 3rd b-day) and they are all cordial to each other.

I read some other responses - some said ask your father for permission. I out and out do not agree. If he refuses - you are then taking sides in an argument that isn't yours to begin with. There was one response (TA G) I totally agree with and was an extremely healthy response. Talk to your father first (I say first in this instance b/c he has offered his house for the party - so you can change it if need be). But, if he refuses for your sister to be invited - change the location. Seriously. This party is not about who gets along with whom - it is about celebrating your daughter and her accomplishments. It is not a setting where family issues should take precedent.

So - no matter the location- the guest list should not change. Even if you change the setting because of your father's issues - invite him anyway. Everyone can decide whether they want to come or not - but it is not your issue to choose sides over. The more you allow yourself to be stuck in the middle - the more difficult it is for you. Let go, for your own sake.

Good luck - believe me - I really understand. Our family still barely can have family functions where everyone attends. But, I still invite everyone and if they choose to miss out - that's their choice.

The solution, as I see it, should be that the adults put aside their differences for the benefit of the child. But, that doesn't always happen, so:

First, your daughter should be able to celebrate with all of her extended family. It is her day and her relatives. Besides, if they are not all invited that could cause a bigger rift in the family than what is already there.

Second, I would speak with your father about wanting to include ALL of your child's aunts/uncles at the event. From what you describe, the place is big enough that they both never even have to see each other let alone talk with each other.

Third, I would doubt, given what you've explained, that the sister would even come to the event. But, at least she has been invited and it is now up to her to suck it up for the sake of her niece or gracefully apologize for not being able to attend (even if she can but does't want to) and just send a card/gift.

Hope that helps!

I have had situations like this with my family....this party is for your daughter, right? Then she gets to invite who she wants. Most likely the party will be big enough that the ones who don't get along won't even have to sit next to each other or look at each other. Those of us who want to talk to everyone never get to because there is never enough time at a party...so they should be grown up enough to be decent to one another for your daughter. I would inform your dad of everyone you are inviting (since it is at his house), but that is up to you, and don't make an issue about your sister, even if he does!! Don't mention anything to your sister if he does make a stink, make her feel welcome, and most likely everything will go fine. Good Luck!

Absolutely invite everyone. Your father and sister can each make their own decisions, but I agree with the other response that life is too short. This may be a fantastic opportunity for your family to heal...

oh N., yeah, not your problem. invite everyone. if you don't invite that sister you'd be causing now a rift between you and her and maybe other siblings. you invite everyone. if you get asked who have you invited tell the truth. no explanation needed. if you're asked for explanation say it's not your problem and that they're all adults and should behave as such. sorry you're having to go through this, but enjoy the celebration

HI N.
My advice is, life is too short and you should invite your sister. I would tell your dad that you really would like to have everyone there to celebrate for your daughter and that all should be let aside and you should move on. You will feel better once everyone is there and celebrating such a special moment in your daughter and yours life. Best of Luck!

These disputes are so old, it's time for the parties involved to get over the issues and themselves and try to reconcile. In the meantime, you should invite everyone to your party and then let each person decide whether they will attend or not. It's not up to you to take sides or try to mediate or try to read their minds. Nor should they try to force you to have to choose one over the other. Your father should be included, so should your sister. If both accept, tell them you are happy to have them and that there will be enough people there for them to visit with that they will be able to have a great time without having to spend time with someone they don't wish to. Congratulations to your daughter. I hope the party is wonderful!

I would invite everyone that is important to you and let everyone else decide for themselves what they are confortable with. some times people make decisions that they wish they could take back, but they dont know how to reach out and make things better. If you are having that many people to the party, they would probably be able to avoid each other it they wanted to. Remeber, this is for you and your daughter. You can teach her a great lesson, by including everyone and not playing into family rifs that dont concern her.

Just have fun & dont worry too much about them.If they are all adults, they can be polite & get along for the afternoon. Or better yet, they migth take the opportunity to be close agin!

B.
a working mom to a great 4 year old girl.

N., You worry too much.
You want to include everyone. Don't fight other people's battles for them. Acknowledge the fact that there may be discomfort for some, but everyone is welcome.
Don't even hint that it may be a time for healing.
Sis will come or NOT come. You can't change that or determine if or when it'll happen but guess what...
LIFE GOES ON and people come around eventually, even if they don't admit it publicly.
Check with the owner of the house first though, because if he says NO you can't disregard his wish.
Find another venue and still invite Dad and Sis.
Invite everyone, take pictures for those who choose not to show up and share with them anyway.
GOOD LUCK!!!
J. S

I just got through a huge dispute with my in-laws because i said something about my husband not being available to help his father out one day (his father is sick with cancer) recently diagnosed. Well anyway you would have thought i gave him the cancer the entire family left nasty messages about me and my husband the worst was my brother n law who called me all sorts of names like you wouldn't believe. A week or two later was Easter and then a wedding well i wasn't going to not go because of them so you know what I went and when i saw him i didn't say anything to him and gradually i've seen him and we say hi and bye so families are like that they work with each other I would tell your step father that your planning on invitiing your sister just mention it in passing but try not to go into it with him change the subject right away to someting else like does he know a good bakery you might use that way you can make him feel useful and not think about her being there. And then tell you sister to please just have a good time at your party and if they see each other just keep it simple hello how are you and the like. I've only just recently met my father at 18 and really have formed no relationship with him occassionally every couple of years i will run into him in town and just say hi thats it because theres not much there you know. It really depends on the person whether you can have a real relationship or just a hi bye relationship.

Hey N.,

I can understand how this is a tough decision to make. I have issues in my family as well. My suggestion to you is to remove yourself from all the drama and make this event only about your daughter, that means invite everyone you want to come. It seems like they are the ones with those issues, unfortunately, and it should not have anything to do with this wondrous occasion for your immediate family; extend the invitation gracefully and if whoever chooses not to attend for their personal reasons, it is no fault of yours. And if they mention anything to you with regards to their problems, you can easily remove yourself from the situation by reminding them that this special event is not about their problems but a happy occasion in honor of your daughter's accomplishments. They should really put all animosity aside and attend this event; this is not about them right now. Your daughter is graduating and it sounds like it's going to be a lot of fun, and if they choose not to come over bickering and other issues, then that's too bad--they will be missing out on a beautiful event. You have no reason to feel guilty for inviting ALL of them b/c it's really not your problem. Therefore you don't owe your dad any explanation for your sister, or anyone else for that matter. Planning a big party is stressful enough; don't add this to the plate. I wish you all the best and many congrats to your daughter--my oldest graduated in 2006 and I can't begin to tell you how emotional it was for me, watching her at the ceremony. God bless!

I think since this party is being held at your parents home, it's proper to ask your parents if you can invite the family member in question. As long as you're having the party on their property, home, you need to respect their feelings, their rules, their decision.
If it's a go, send out the invitaion. And remember, you are not responsible for their behaviors. Any up roar among the guests, anyone up setting your parents, the party, don't take sides, keep your cool and simply pull them aside quietly and ask them to leave the party. Keep in mind this party is about your daughter and you don't want anything to spoil it for her and you might want to tell them that if you need to ask anyone to leave...

If the party is at your dad's house, you have to respect that aspect and gain his agreement or permission. if he refuses, then you have to honor that and invite those family members to another function seperate, or explain to them. Treat your dad's home the way that you would want yours treated. that is his safe haven. not to be invaided with out his consent by people he does not want there. if it is someplace else then they have to just deal with it.

we have the same type of issues in our family as does so many people today with the disfunction in this world.

good luck.
please update on the out come.

I think I would have to invite everyone. Unless he is specifically asking you for a guest list and wants to know who you are inviting, I would noy volunteer the information. Why wouldn't you invite the people who mean something to you and your family? Everyone is an adult, and uif anything comes up, you can nicely remind them this even is not about them and the guest of honor requested the guest list :) Good luck.