I just turned 45 and desire so much to be married and to have children. It has been my desire all my life to be a wife and mother, yet things have not panned out for me yet. I still have hope, but would love to hear some encouraging feedback from mothers who have conceived and had children in their 40's. I have been pregnant twice, not in the right circumstances and unfortunately the outcome was 2 miscarriages. When I had the second miscarriage, after my mourning period, I decided to turn my experience around to something positive and went through doula training. Although being a doula is not my full-time profession, I have been blessed to be a part of many births. I also attended a breastfeeding counselor workshop, that thought me the importance of breastfeeding and I'm passionate about sharing the info that I know to new mothers. The miracle of birth is amazing to see. I hope to one day experience the joy of birthing a child from my womb. I also know that I can still be a mother through adoption and it is something I have also considered. I have gone through adoption parenting classes, but have not made any further steps toward adopting. If anyone has any words of encouragement I am all ears. Thank you. Kindly.
Thank you to everyone who had so many encouraging comments. I am continuing to keep the faith and believe that I will have my desires fulfilled soon. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And may you all be blessed in the new year.
There is a meeting of single mothers by choice in West LA tomorrow, Sunday, December 7th, if you would like to meet other women in a similar place.
You can email me at ____@____.com and I will give you the scoop.
Best,
W.
It sounds like you are a good strong woman. I love that you've chosen training programs and side careers that help you serve along the lines of our God given mothering instincts! I also believe God has individual plans for each of us and sometimes it's a struggle and trial to go along with His plans. I know that there is an afterlife where the opportunities we did not receive here on earth can be granted us. Don't give up hope here because anything can happen, but I would recommend going forward living your life upright and serving others like you have begun to do. Find joy and fulfillment in helping those new little babies and first time moms and focus on that. There is so much need in this world for service and helping young moms is something greatly needed. As you do, who knows, God could bless you with just the perfect opportunity for a family and you'll be at peace enough to be ready for and enjoy it. I think sometimes the very stressing over something we want so badly is exactly what drives those opportunities away from us. Trust in God, maybe your motherly calling will be filled here on this earth or maybe not, but take joy in the journey and know that God is all knowing and will make things right for you as you walk in his footsteps and trust in him.
Best wishes & blessings.
E.
First of all, I'm so sorry you had to go through 2 miscarriages. I've been through 2 myself, and I know how heartbreaking it is.
Second, you show that you have a great selfless heart by turning your sadness into joy in service. That is rare.
Third, God knows the desires of your heart. Some of them He's even put there. I pray someday you will be happily married and a mother whether biologically, by adoption, or both.
Now, please don't take offense, I'm just sharing from my experience to give you something to consider. The one place I see men who are ready to get married and start families is in church. I'm not talking about "Sunday Christians", I'm talking about fully devoted to Christ men. These men work on becoming the best versions of themselves, so that they can enter into marriage selflessly, with reality of what marriage entails, and are ready to love their wives so much that they are willing to lay their lives down for them. I also have a couple of Christian friends that met their wonderful husbands through Christian singles sites.
My best to you! I pray that all your dreams will come true!
God bless,
M.
Hi, J.,
Some of my friends and relatives are in a very similar situation. I was in your situation until a few years ago. I turned 43 today and have two sons. I now have two sons, who are 28 months and 14 months old. I am often tired and have fallen behind in many areas but, at least to date, am glad I had them. Because my husband is gone most of the year, some people consider me a "single mother" most of the year. In my opinion, single parenting is usually harder. Having physical and financial support (or adequate financial resources) makes a huge difference in the quality of one's life as a parent.
If you really want to bear a baby, then I recommend you talk to a good reproductive endocrinologist (RE). (I recommend the REs at Reproductive Partners and Pacific Fertility Center, who advised me and helped me conceive and carry to term my first child, who I bore at the age of 40.)
I highly recommend to anyone struggling with infertility or subfertility, and I can't say that after only two months of trying that your are infertile or even subfertile, the book Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility by Drs. Jaffe and Diamond. These psychologists are experts on the psychology of infertility. I have not only read their books but gone down to San Diego to receive psychotherapy from them.
A few things to think about if you want to go down the high-tech fertility treatment path: As creating my children was a long, expensive ($42K), and painful (over 1,000 shots and 2 c-sections with complications and 2 miscarriages) process, I, with my husband's blessing, have decided not to have any more children. Having been told by some practicioners in the medical field that I would never have children and nearly convinced at age 39 that I would be childless, I felt extremely lucky to have a child. When I conceived my second child (naturally) at 41, I had a hard time believing I was pregnant. I think it took about five months for me to finally believe it. As both of my children are my genetic children who were conceived from much older than average eggs, I worried that my children would not be "normal." For the most part, I think that they are. However, my elder child has a large congenital nevus, a mole. It covers a large part of his leg. We will try to get doctors to remove it in a few rounds of surgery in approx. five years to prevent him from developing melanoma, which can be fatal. I can't say that the age of my eggs played a part in my elder child developing this rare condition as nobody knows why some people have congenital nevi and others don't. This problem notwithstanding I feel incredibly fortunate to have had any children. Because I know several people who wanted to bear children but never could and I have experienced some of the despair these people have felt, I don't feel like complaining about any aspect of parenthood, although sometimes I wish that I had more free time.
You sound like an intelligent, optimistic and loving person.
Good luck,
Lynne E
hi J.,
i'll be 46 next month and gave birth to my 8th child two months ago today. all 8 were born peacefully at home; the last 4 were born when i was 38, 40, 43, and 45; my current baby with just dad and me in attendance.
the book "taking charge of your fertility signals" can be helpful in knowing your cycles better. i stayed far from doctors and hospitals, and found much support in the work of lay midwives, who are well-versed in normal birth. this way i never partook of the common pre-natal "scare" which most mothers-to-be, particularly "older" ones are forced to endure. i also take excellent care of my body through eating foods as close to their natural state as possible, and plenty of dark green leafy vegetables. i used the info on www.blueribbonbaby.com, keeping track of my food intake with their helpful charts.
my current partner and father of my last four children recently saw an article which linked down's syndrome to both parents being older. this wasn't the case for us, as he is 8 years my junior; my first husband (and father of my first 4 children) was 10 years older than i--so one parent was always in their 30's, thereby reducing that risk.
i hope this is helpful in some way; feel free to contact me if you like. best,
N.
I'm 46 and the mother of a beautiful six year old daughter. We want to have another, but the timing hasn't been right. I don't feel like having another baby is off the table because of age. My husband is my age, also.
My biggest advice to you is to stay away from the conventional doctors until you're pregnant because you'll get a steady stream of the "age" story (and not the positive stories). My biggest hero is a friend who gave birth to a beautiful baby boy at home at 46. As mentioned below, the midwifery community will be a lot more supportive of your desires.
Relax and let it happen. And don't forget that we were bred to birth babies for MANY years. Our bodies are amazing things. Align your thought processes and get ready to let yourself be amazed.
I conceived at 44, within about 2 weeks of trying, with my man who I had just met on vacation in europe .....and gave birth, vaginally, at 45 with no complications and a very easy pregnancy. But, I was in really good shape and both my grandmothers gave birth at 40. So I think some of it is genetic, but also my state of mind when I conceived was that of love and joy....not really concentrating on getting pregnant but totally infatuated with the father of my child. My doctor had told me previously I should start fertility if I did want a baby (when I hadn't ever even TRIED to get pregnant, and had not met anyone-- but just do to my age and my FSH!) but, alas, that was not needed. I do know I'm very lucky, and the stars just lined up for me, but I think it is still possible for you.
Don't lose hope. I got married at 42, conceived unexpectantly at 43 and had a beautiful baby boy, vaginally at 44 (I'm 45 now.) My OB told me that "age was not a contraception.
