Unsure of Having Another Baby

The first thing you might want to do is to have a blood test done to see if you are still capable of conceiving. At 41, my daughter-in-law was told she had a 5% even with invitro. L.

Hi Y.,

My goodness, if you are "desperate" to have another baby, you might be stressing your body out too much to get pregnant! Also, what happens if you have another boy?? If you really don't care either way whether you get a baby boy or a baby girl, then I'd relax, put away the ovulation kits, have sex every other day or so--for fun, if possible--and see what happens. God gives you what you can handle.

By the way--be careful what you wish for--how do you know that your girl will be the girl in your dreams if you do have a girl?? You may have a daughter who is not that close to you, or who won't enjoy the things you picture doing with her right now. You might end up being closer to one or both of your sons instead of your daughter! Mother-daughter relationships can be very difficult. I'm not saying this to discourage you, but really, there are no guarantees with children. I love my own mom dearly, but my mom has a strained relationship with her mom...as does my husband's mom with her mom!

Good luck!
:-) D.
P.S. If you decide to go for it, then cutting out caffeine can help (sometimes caffeine can interfere with ovulation), and try drinking a glass of wine before you do the deed (to help relax you).

Hi Y., I think having the baby blues is an early part of menapause, at around your age thought I was pregnant, I knew I was pregnant or I was going through early signs of menapause, part of me was excited about the idea of another baby, but the other part of me looked at a few things, first of all, all 3 of my kids were planned, and like you I tried for the third child in hopes to get my daughter and i did,
I also looked at the fact that I would be a couple years shy when my baby would have started kindergarden, then i looked at how old I would be when that child graduated high school, they way it was, was the the rear my daughter turned 18 i turned 50 and my husband 51, so at those ages we were done raisinbg our kids, and now it is our time for each other, I also looked at the possibility of having a down syndrum child which would be more work, than a normal child and I would be in my fourthy's trying to care for a special needs child. well it turned out that I was not pregnant, and I was happy and sad at the same time, and in my heart I made a dession to be happy with the 3 God gave me, now I am 51, I have a 25 year old son a 22 year old son and a 19 year old daughter, and my husband and I are like newlyweds again after 27 years of marriage, J. L.

Hi Y., I think we have ALOT in common. I just turned 43 in Nov. We have a 3 1/2 yr old daughter. She is our only one and we have been hoping to get pregnant but I have had 2 miscarraiges this year. Having the constant desire of having another baby is difficult. I really want our daughter to have a sibling (I was an only child) to grow up with. So what I do everyday to have my peace of mind is pray. I give my saddness, my concerns, my yearning, everything thats on my mind, even my anger at times to God. Even though my heart wants what it wants and we have so many blessings I still have my good days and my bad days. I know deep down inside if its meant to be it will happen. Trust God, he knows what he is doing...

God Bless you and your family,
C.

Dear Y.,
If it is a daughter you want, adopt one. I had two sons and got pregnant and had the most precocious, lively third son. Love him so much, but thought I wanted a little girls too. I would only have another child if you want another child, not a daughter. You have an idea what it is like to have a baby as your youngest is still little. My biggest thing when I had my youngest, was I couldn't keep up with him at the playground and ended up always picking up a friend so he would have someone with energy to play with. It is better to have two beautiful sons and put your energy into them than pine over a daughter that may never be.
I wish you the best, but trying to have a pregnancy often makes it harder to have. Just stop worrying and live life without birth controls and see if the Lord sends you a third...it may be a boy though:)
H.

Y. - There's a link to a great article at doneexpecting.com. It's definitely a dilemma. I am 41 and have been blessed with 4 kids, the last one at 38. Financially, we cannot have more kids. However, I know also that I am too tired to have any more kids. The older you are, definitely the harder it is. I don't think anyone is going to have the answer for you - it's such a personal choice. My feeling is, if you think you will truly regret it, then go for it. But what happens if you find yourself with another beautiful baby boy? Do you try again???????

Y.,

I relate very closely to your post. I recently turned 43 and have two daughters - youngest is almost 1 1/2 years old. My husband wants a third and for a while I was very open to the idea. However, I gave a timeline - if it didn't happen by the end of 2008, then it wasn't meant to be. The second pregnancy was very difficult for me and it gets harder and harder to keep up with two. The pros are easy to rattle off - the love, the adorableness of the children, carrying on the family name (my husband is the 5th male in his lineage with his name, so we break the chain if we don't have a boy), leaving them with each other when we leave this earth, etc. The pros are there too - age, higher chance of problems with the pregnancy and genetic disorders, finances, energy to keep up with three, need for a larger vehicle, being outnumbered - especially at the grocery store or on vacation, hard to be home alone with the kids - he travels for work often, etc.

I feel I'm leaving it in God's hands. We've tried very hard - timing, ovulation kits, IUI, but if it doesn't happen by the end of 2008, I'm comfortable with that decision. We gave it a go and we'll see what happens.

I wish you luck and peace in your life. Find comfort in your two boys, as many women can't get pregnant with one. If it's meant to be, it will happen, but if not, you are still very blessed.

Aloha,
L R

Y. ~

Congrats on the sons & a wonderful husband. I'm a new 38 yrs old. I have 3 kids youngest is 4. I have a desire to hold an infant, but not to have one. I enjoy raising my kids but, also enjoy the fact that soon my husband and I will have the "alone" time we used to share.
Enjoy the 2 children you have already. Seriously do you want to be taking another to Elementary School when your 50?
Maybe you do. But I wouldn't stress on having another child (a girl) You may get that chance when your a Grandparent!
If you do become pregnant in the near future I wish for you a girl!!! :) K.

I had my first child at 24, my second at 38 and my third at 40 (I turned 41 a week later). I am currently 43. It has never been difficult for me to get pregnant, However as I have gotten older, there have been noticeable complications with the pregnancies. Gestation diabetes, a problem with low lying placenta -- I was hospitalized for the last month of my pregnancy of my youngest child. I am blessed with the fact that each of my children are beautiful and perfect. The point is, as you age the risks go through the roof of having problems with the children. I have a few friends who have given birth to children who have special needs and they are all consuming. You have to ask yourself, will I be happy if my child is less than perfect?

Hi Y.,

Did you ever think of fostering? Or even being a mentor or a foster child? With the latter, you would be the one person and family that would continue with the child through adulthood. It seems like you could really bless a child in need of some sort of stability and be a person that the child could turn to.

A

There is a book I am reading that talks about what you are feeling. It is called "Lies Women Believe" It talks about wanting all the things we desire and how that can destroy us.
Set a time limit on the pregnancy, look forward to the young women that will be your daughters in the future. God may give you a daughter if you press Him, she may not be what you dreamed of. Picture yourself fulfilled with your life as it is now. Lots of short thoughts, hope you find something that helps. You are in my prayers for peace within.

Maybe you could become a "Big Sister" to a little girl in need instead of putting so much energy into getting pregnant. Or, adoption is also an alternative. I don't know if this sounds horrible, but do you really want to start again with a pregnancy and infant at 42/43? Not to mention the odds having another boy or a baby with issues such as Downs Syndrome. There are many countries where little girls are either aborted or killed at birth just for being female, so perhaps you could look into adopting one of those. I know there are many babies here in the US that need to be adopted, but the process takes much longer. I have a friend who is about to go to India to meet the birth mother of her future daughter...she has four biological boys and is saving her future daughter from certain death. There are adoption agencies which target specifically girls, saving them from being aborted. These woman abort the babies in much later stages; often once they find out the child is a girl (which is at approximately 20 weeks gestation). So, this is something to consider. You cannot guarantee your next pregnancy will happen or will result in a baby girl, so perhaps this is a time to be altruistic. Good luck!

Dear Y.,
I can relate to what you are going through. I am 40, and my husband and I are trying for our first. We have already been through two failed attempts at IVF and are now looking at attempting a third round in the next few months using donor eggs. Our doctor told us that using donor eggs would eliminate many of the risks associated with giving birth at 40. Additionally, using IVF allows us the freedom to choose the sex of the babies we want implanted. So, if you have the funds, this could be an option.
However, on the other hand I have had quite a few friends and acquaintances give birth after 40 and each and every child that was born is a living, breathing miracle. I think you have to weigh the information and decide what is best for you. Blessings!

Hi, Y.,

I am in a very similar situation. I turned 43 today and have two sons. I always imagined having a daughter and hoped to have at least one. My sons, who are 28 months and 14 months old, are younger than yours, though. I am often tired and have fallen behind in many areas.

If you and your husband really want to have another baby, then I recommend you talk to a good reproductive endocrinologist (RE). (I recommend the REs at Reproductive Partners and Pacific Fertility Center who advised me and helped me conceive and carry to term my first child, who I bore at the age of 40.)

I highly recommend to anyone struggling with infertility or subfertility, and I can't say that after only two months of trying that your are infertile or even subfertile, the book Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility by Drs. Jaffe and Diamond. These psychologists are experts on the psychology of infertility. I have not only read their books but gone down to San Diego to receive psychotherapy from them.

As creating my children was a long, expensive ($42K), and painful (over 1,000 shots and 2 c-sections with complications and 2 miscarriages) process, I, with my husband's blessing, have decided not to have any more children. Having been told by some practicioners in the medical field that I would never have children and nearly convinced at age 39 that I would be childless, I felt extremely lucky to have a child. When I conceived my second child (naturally) at 41, I had a hard time believing I was pregnant. I think it took about five months for me to finally believe it. As both of my children are my genetic children who were conceived from much older than average eggs, I worried that my children would not be "normal." For the most part, I think that they are. However, my elder child has a large congenital nevus, a mole. It covers a large part of his leg. We will try to get doctors to remove it in a few rounds of surgery in approx. five years to prevent him from developing melanoma, which can be fatal. I can't say that the age of my eggs played a part in my elder child developing this rare condition as nobody knows why some people have congenital nevi and others don't. This problem notwithstanding I feel incredibly fortunate to have had any children. Because I know several people who wanted to bear children but never could and I have experienced some of the despair these people have felt, I don't feel like complaining about not having a girl.

You sound like an intelligent, optimistic and realistic person, who is asking a lot of important questions. I get the feeling that you will do well no matter how things turn out.

hi! i am sorry, i do not relate to you directly, but my mother had six kids and she started at 32 and had her last one at 45!!

I know that with a lot of hard decisions like this you just need to relax your mind. go to the spa and get a massage or something, and meditate. clear your mind and listen to your spirit!

btw i love your boys names! mine are Nephi 6 years and Elijah 10 months!

Y.,

I'm sorry, but I am just seeing your request now and wanted to share. I had my beautiful, healthy son at 42 with no medical intervention. Since I had no difficulty getting pregnant and had a great pregnancy, I remained overly optimistic that I would get pregnant again when we were ready. I just turned 46 yesterday.

During this past year, my husband and I did all of the fertility testing and one round of IUI, which was not successful. So, I, too, am in the position of whether or not to continue to go forward.

After all of the research I've done, and after consulting with our RE, who is very supportive of whatever we choose, it seems as if this is just not meant to be for me.

You've received a great deal of good suggestions and things to think about, so I won't repeat those. What I do want to stress is that if you TRULY want another biological child, do not wait any longer. The reason I say this is that at around age 43, the chances of successful assisted reproductive technology - when using your own eggs - drops off sharply. You are still in that window where your chances are better.....not great, but certainly better than in my age catagory. Go to the CDC website and look at the data for assisted reproductive technology, and it may give you a better idea. Also, I didn't look at your city, but I am in the Las Vegas area and went to the fertility center of Las Vegas. Dr. Shapiro is wonderful. You can look at their website also just to get more data on success rates.

As far as all of the questioning and back and forth that you are going through, it is just part of the process that will eventually lead you to peace with whatever decision you make. In my head, I know that it is very unlikely that I will have another baby, but my heart continues to question and "what if" on a daily basis. All part of the process of letting go of a dream.

Please find a well-respected RE in your area and just go for a consult. Maybe talking it out with a professional will help give you more clarity. The only thing I would respectfully suggest is that you don't wait if this is something you really want.

Wishing you the best,

J.

I was 41 when I got pregnant with my 2nd child. A son. It was planned. My first child is a girl. For us, it was not about the gender of the child, we simply wanted to add another child to our family.

Luckily, and I count my blessings, we got pregnant naturally, even at my "late" age. I had no complications or "risks." It was a normal pregnancy. And I did have an amniocentesis, given my "age." As for getting pregnant, I just kept track of my ovulation symptoms. For me, since I am very regular... that worked best for us.

Trying for 2 months is not a long time. According to my OB/GYN... he told me that IF after 6 months, and given my age, that if nothing happens in that time, THEN come to see him. For my OB/GYN, he sees nothing 'bad" about being pregnant at this age. Most women nowadays, are "later" in age. While trying to conceive, my OB/GYN also tells all his patients to STILL take pre-natal vitamins.

You are very lucky, to have a Hubby that is in agreement about adding another child to your family. :)

Keep in mind, that even if you do get pregnant again... and what if it is another "boy"... will you STILL be happy about it and at peace? Since, your dream is to have a girl.

I have 2 friends.... and both already had 2 boys. Like you, they also yearned to have a "girl." So, they tried and got pregnant a third time.... but they both had boys again this 3rd time around. Yes, they were a bit disappointed...and when they see my daughter sometimes they will remark wistfully-"you're so lucky you have a girl...." But yes, of course they still love all their boys. But now at this point, they have decided that 3 children are enough for them, and that this is what was meant to be.

Keep in mind, that having a 3rd child, and hoping for a "girl" is really a luck of the draw. And, is this what you will really be at peace about, if you do not get a girl? How will this affect you... and your inner happiness? You don't want your boys growing up "knowing" that their Mommy hoped they were girls, instead.

Then, you also have to decide if you really want to be pregnant again, and all of it's ensuing obligations and having a bigger family, and if your age is a factor.

Really think about it... because you can't guarantee a "girl" in the future. Or maybe you could adopt?

I know it's hard... but the bottom line should be, if you simply want more children, regardless of the "gender."

All the best,
Susan

I'm not im this situation but adoption is always an option. You don't always have to give birth to a child for them to be yours. I have a friend who adopted a little girl and if she hadn't said anything you never would have guessed. I thought I'd put adoption out there in case another pregnancy doesn't pan out.

Hi Y.. I can relate to what you're going through. I had three live births ( a miscarriage between child #1 + 2). Presently my kids are aged 27, 23 and 16 (and now I am a healthy and pretty young 55 yr old). I was 39 when my youngest was born- and was surprised to be pregnant because it took so long. I do think that some of what you are going through is the awareness that fertility is diminishing. I know that many women are continuing to have kids in their 40's ( mostly by tweaking nature). I still don't think it's wise. I would pray/meditate to accept the situation whatever happens. It'll take some time "to get to a place of peace". Be gentle with yourself. Even if women never "wanted to have kids", the realization that it's not going to happen is a sobering thought. There comes a time when it's not an option any more, and we are aware of our own aging.

I think if you are serious you should talk to your OBGYN. They will be able to help you through your fears about your age and possible problems. The question you need to ask is do you want another boy and could you raise a developmentally challenged child. Those are both possibilities. You should also talk to your priest (if you have one)I firmly believe in everything happening for a reason and God having a hand in our lives. Maybe your not getting pregnant is God saying it is not the time. That is just my opinion and I don't want to offend. I have 3 kids and with my last we were told we were at a high risk for him have down syndrome. He was thankfully born perfectly healthy, but it is something you need to consider a possibility, no matter what your age. With a teenager and a 2 year old could you handle that? I think if there is any question or reservation in your mind, then it is not the right time. You should be 100% sure and ready. Good luck with making your decission.