Older Sibling

I would recommend reading 'Siblings Without Rivalry' by A. Faber, wich may help you get to the reason for the tantrums, and '1-2-3 Magic' which was the best outline of exactly how to use time-outs that I ever read. Being consistent and not getting upset are the two keys (that I remember). Good luck!

My daughter had hideous, horrible tantrums from 1 1/2 to 2 1/2. I find that naming her feelings before she starts a tantrum helps still (she's 10). Since he's so little, he can't voice his feelings. So maybe, I see that you are frustrated. You are angry because I said no about whatever. That might help. Also, my daughter still gets grumpy if she hasn't eaten at her regular times or is too tired. Good luck, it will pass. I know it's hard, believe me! C.

Unfortunatly this sounds very normal. The world is very frustrating for a 2 year old. I'm sure at times he is told he is a big boy, but then told he is too little for other things. When my boys were toddlers I would try to give them other ways to express there anger and frustration. We would go over what was ok and what was not. It seemed to help a little bit. One thing that we still do with our boys, now 5 and 7 is hold them until they calm down. If they are having an especially hard or emotional day my husband or I will hold them until they calm down and tell them that we love them and that everything is ok. Try to think about when you are having a really bad day and how you would like people to respond to you. Keep up the good work. I know how hard it can be.

I have a 2 1/2 year old boy and a 8 week old girl. I make sure my son has time with just me and /or just my husband. He sees me with my daughter all day and feels left out. I always make sure if I a doing something with my daughter he is included. Since you know it is lack of attention do something about it. Don't discipline him for something you are doing. Create the time for him. I feel bad for him he is apparently acting out for the reason you stated. Spend time with him. Show him he is just as important and the bad behaviour will stop, I promise.

Hi L.,
I just read about your problem,
and want to share with you what I think.
You said yourself it might be the lack of attention.
And I had this experience too. If you try one
day (or at least first half of the day) without time-outs,
just more hugs, kisses. It really is possible to play with him and your baby the same time. Just try to be "very kind mommy who don`t give time-out" at least once, and see what happens. Also I think if he is 2 1/2 y.o., he still needs to take a nap. When a child is tired he/she most likely being upset. So try it, it might work, not right away, but it can change him to a happy child in a few days/weeks.
Good luck!

my 2 1/2 yo has thrown some good ones, but not really frequent, but i think there are some truths that are pertinent to all types of kids. i have noticed that when i get sucked into the emotional game of it, the tantrums increase in frequency. i notice also that my husband does not get the same tantrums even though he spends equal time with our son. maybe because he doesnt get all wrapped up emotionally. yes he is affected, but he has gotten really systematic. basically when the drama starts, he nicely brings our boy into his room, leaves the door open, and tells him when he is ready to talk he can come out. it doesnt usually take more than 5 minutes. i know that it can be so hard, like sometimes i can tell that my kid needs to be held, other times he will only calm down on his own. how can we be totally consistent when they are reacting to different issues. i dont really think time outs can work with tantrums because the real intense ones are clearly a manifestation of an inability to communicate needs and receive those needs. tantrum about no cookies, i would do the above method, tantrum about emotional needs, tread lightly. i also have to say that since my husband and i have been doing counselling and greatly changing our own behavior -- yelling especially -- our son is more receptive to calm interventions! win win. so try to be PATIENT and love him through it.

i couldn't help but hear a little guilt in there... i have a 2 yo girl and she is our only child and she is going through the SAME developmental phase. I asked a wise friend about how to handle this and here was his reply:

"these are precious little beings that are just trying to figure out how the world works... and each one of these little guys seems to know just how to push our buttons... they go where the conflict is. so if you are finding that you are getting really irked you need to recognize that is your button, meaning that is where you are stuck (stuck from some incident or issue in your life) and your kid is properly paired to you help you get "unstuck" or through these things to grow... and a your kid needs you to get unstuck so that you do grow so they can grow"

first of all... that was poignant for me.. i am getting to the practical part

"and kids are so smart... they can get a message without all the big to do of the harsh and dramatic discipline... they get subtle messages about what is right and wrong... this is how they socialize anyway.

so: really be careful about what you want to make a big deal about because your big deal reaction all of the time will cause discord, trigger bigger reactions and loose meaning. when he is so out of control saturate him with love and attention if it is really that you believe is the trigger (but like i said... even my only child does this) and later try to bring around the lesson or point. i guess the point in all this is we need to control our reactions to their tantrums because they feed off of every subtlety and check if you are working through your stuff or his!

this freaks me out a little becuase i want a kid that does what i say when i say and behaves in public... i was raised with a heavy hand so i guess i feel like i have to do it the same way... i think there may be better ways... this guy that told me all of this has 3 wonderfully loving well behaved respectful children from 8 - 17 yo... he is doing something right... such a different approach then i am used to... i needed it... hope this gives you something.. it may have just been for my own exercise.
i would love your feedback or tell me some of the wisdom that all the moms/dads respond with.

My youngest child is a complete hellion, and just turned 3. My mother says my daughter reminds her of a tiger cub... sooooo cute, but completely unpredictable and dangerous.

What I have learned in the year and a half since these tantrums started (my first child did nothing to prepare me for this, by the way), is that the best way to deal with tantrums is to take the child to some area of the house where he can't hurt himself (such as his bedroom), tell him he can come out when he feels better, and leave him there. Out of earshot of you, and other civilized members of the family.

With my daughter, after about 5 minutes, she'll come out of her room all frazzled looking and will tell us all that she is sorry, and she goes about her day.

We started doing this about a year ago with her, and although it may not reduce the frequency of the tantrums, it does decrease their severity, and best of all, I don't have to listen to it or try and talk her out of it, or whatever.

Good luck!!

Hi L.,

It sounds like you're doing all the right things and your 2 1/2 year old is doing all the things a 2 1/2 year old will do. Hang in there - stay consistant with the discipline. The tantrums usually last through the three's and sometimes into the fours. The one thing I found that worked best for me was to be consistant on naps/sleep times and meals. When hungry or tired - watch out! Best wishes - remember - this is normal behavior - and it will drive you crazy - but you will get through it!

I also have a 2 1/2 year old boy so I totally understand. No matter what rules you decide and what behavior you decide is unacceptable remember to stay consistant. He is testing you to find where the line is and how serious you are. Time outs are best - 1 minute per year and once you start doing them and he understands how they work he is old enough to sit there.

With tantrums I have found that sometimes its best to just ignore them - they are trying to get attention. Or you can tell them that is "not ok" and he needs a time out. Make a big deal out of the positive behavior and he will not do the negative to get attention.

I know what you are going through so if you have any questions, need some other ideas please let me know! Good luck!

I really realate to what your going through. My daughter will be 3 in September and we have been struggling with her strong will and tempertantrums. I have never seconded guessed my self more as a parent. But I have been through this with my son and now at 8 he is such a nice boy and a real joy to us ,so I guess you do get through it. I think your right on about needing to be consistent even though it's hard to set the boundry over and over for the same behavior. I find it can take weeks of the same thing and then it will calm down for awhile.Just about when I am at my breaking point. But that is where you have to be careful about the battles you choose. When I was learning early childhood education one saying the teacher told us has always stuck with me. That when dealing with setting these boundries it is important that we "when the child over not win over the child". Read that carefully ,it's something I think is very important in our dealings with their wills. One way is positive and succseful for the child and impowers them the other is athoratative and over powering the child. Not true success. It dosn't let the results be theirs. It's just an adult being bigger and stronger over them. I hope I am making sence. Anywho, I have also started to pay attention to make sure I am playing enough with her and just catching her being a good girl. I am 5 months prego with number 4 and it's easy for me to just want to take a break when all is well. So I think that has helped so we are not caught up in just negitive interaction. I am worried about a new baby to deal with when my little one is going through this faze.I worry whether sky rocketting blood pressure has adverse affects on developing babies. It's why theres 6 years between her and her brother because the thought of another baby scared me to death when he was her age. My older daughter (11) never, ever through tempertantrums. So it was easy having a new baby when she was 2 1/2. I am hoping Malia is getting the worst of it over with before the baby while she has alot of my attention. So if nothing else I just want you to know your not crazy, or alone in this. I am having such a challenging time myself. We just entered a calm faze these last 2 days . Peace at last , well at least for the moment. So capture those calm moments and enjoy them, refreash, and be ready for round 2. Best wishes, R.

HI!
I had the same problem...my son didn't like it when I breastfeed his little sister. He was a little older & so I'm not sure how it would work...but we found a little notebook & in it I put a sticker on a page (at first every 5 minutes I was nursing but after awhile it was the whole time I nursed his sister)...for every two or three stickers (& again eventually it became every 5 to 10 but you tell him in advance how many he needs to earn) he got a little prize he picked out from the dollar store...as a "big" boy reward...for my consumer child it worked WONDERFULLY! Now, if the roles were reversed it would not work with my daughter but it is different then just giving time outs...try maybe rewarding the sibling when he/she is doing something right...he/she sees the baby crying & you attending to the baby...it maybe his/her way to get attention...any kind of attention. Good luck!! I sure wish they came with instruction manuals!!!

My mom was a preschool teacher for many years and later taught child development at community college to other teacher would-bes. Her most-often used phrase with kids was "Words, please" when they would start flailing about. Holding the arms or the child still, those two words let them know there are other, safer ways to express emotions. Two-year-olds don't have as strong a vocabulary as 3s and 4s, but they can be given one-word phrases for their feelings--and need to have those in order to tell you what's bothering them for the rest of their lives! The other phrase she used a lot (which I don't hear much these days) is "Inside voices" to keep the screaming down--outside it's fine, but having an inside voice is also a useful life skill, isn't it? Good luck!

To quote my 83-year-old mother, "this too shall pass." The important thing is to be very consistent in the consequences for throwing a tantrum. If you send him to his room to calm himself down, then that's the thing to do every single time he gets out of control. This has the added benefit of letting him teach himself what works for self-calming. If your son knows that he will not get away with temper tantrums, that they are unacceptable behavior, but the consequences are meted out dispassionately (no anger on the parent's part), then he should figure out that he needs to learn to control his temper. This can be a difficult lesson for many children. Heck. A lot of adults still need to learn how to control themselves, so you're on the right track by having consequences for his behavior at the age of 2 1/2. Best wishes.

When my 3.5 year old started throwing tantrums at 2, I gave him big long hugs and cuddles and that took care of the tantrum. When he started up again at 3, I try to give him positive attention. I realized that whatever bad behavior he was exhibiting, he was doing because he needed his "love tank" refilled. He wasn't feeling loved enough by me. Time-outs don't work with all children. It doesn't work with my son. He gets extraordinarily worked up and freaks out about it. It does not help the situation at all. Some GREAT books are Positive Discipline for Preschoolers and Playful Parenting. Both advocate measures which are positive and help keep the negatives out of your relationship with your children. Good luck!

I have a two year old and four year old and am well versed in tantrums. I would suggest the happiest toddler on the block--either the book or dvd. It gives you lots of strategies to minimize tantrums and how to stop them once they start. The author (dr. karp) did a talk in Placerville awhile back, and it was very helpful. You are right about being consistent though. I was recently ill and not following through since I did not have the energy, and my four year old's behavior has been horrible as of late. I just started to feel better, and have been cracking down on the rules again, and he is now behaving much better. Also, for some kids, time outs aren't as effective as giving a toy a time out. For my older son, if his behavior is bad he will lose tv or his bike for the rest of the day (if it's at the end of the day, then for the next day). For younger kids if they throw a toy you can give that toy a time out etc. Lots of ways you can go about it. We use a combination of both methods, but I always tell him what consequence will be if he doesn't stop the behavior. As far as wanting more attention, after the birth of my second child I found it so hard too, but anytime in the morning my daughter napped, I tried to give my son quality one on one time. His behavior improved dramatically when I started doing this. I also tried to give him some extra one on one when daddy came home from work in the evenings. Also what seemed to help was lots and lots of opportunities to run around outside and get out some energy. If you can get a copy of the Happiest Toddler DVD though, I think you will find it very helpful.

I know it helped my older son when he was able to go to preschool and have a place that was just for "the big kid". he felt special that way adn often couldn't wait to go. If your son is 2 1/2 he might be ready for a smaller in-home preschool. Many of these (like mine) will help with potty training.

The other thing I would suggest is having special time with you while the baby sleeps. I know it's tempting to do chores... resist. It could be only 15 minutes twice a day, but if your son learns he can count on this special time with you alone, he may loose the need to seek out attention with tantrums.

Laura Firpo
Childhaven Preschool
Brentwood