Okay this is a long one, I feel it necissary to give as complete a history as I can recall. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years now, when we started dating his daughter (Lex) had just turned 3, he had shared custody (every other week sunday to sunday) and Lex was still not full potty trained and was behind socially based on what I'd learned as a child care provider and had seen among my friend's children who are all relativly the same age. Him and his ex argued back and forth about who was not enforcing the training and why Lex was still having regular accidents. Fast forward a year and a half and him and I are living together... we continue to have Lex every other week she is completely potty trained during the day but she is regularly peeing the bed and so we have all (us and her mother) taken to having her wear a pull up to bed. At some point her mother and me (we get along okay) decide this is getting costly and it is time to make a real effort here. We cut off liquids after 7, send her to the bathroom every half hour until bed and wake her up to go an hour after she has fallen asleep... I even set my alarm for 2 in the morning and boyfriend and I take turns to take her again. We all believed that after a week or two of this she would begin waking herself up. No such luck, however the night time accidents did become less frequent and the 2 am wake ups were discontinued. She would still have an accident maybe once every two weeks and after seeing how completely obliviouse she was when we woke her up we chalked it up to sleeping too deeply to wake up. I want to go off the peeing thing momentarily to give a idea of other behaviors as well.I don't believe this is related but at this time she also had habit of waking in the early morning between 4-5 and sneaking around the house, breaking child proof latches and getting household cleaner all over the house, getting into make up and lotion you name it... she once fed the animals all of the treats and took all of the food out of the fridge (she was about 5, in my opinion too old for this behavior)yet another behavior we seemingly tried everything to break. We worried for her safety and finally resorted to putting a baby gate on her door until it was time to get up. Thank god this stage is over. Socially she is still behind.. she can not entertain herself for more than 3-5 min (no exaggeration) and is best described as a shadow, if you turn around too fast you will trip over her. In two and a half years of school she has not made one friend, we have dropped her off at school and driven around the block (on several occasions) only to see her standing by herself while the other children play. In play dates with my friends children she is either being "snotty" (for lack of a better word) or is at best a follower willing to do what ever they want and at the play ground she watches the other children play, when approached by one of them she ignores them completly. A side note: Last year at about this time my b/f left to work in AZ for a year I continued to take her every weekend and he was able to come home one weekend a month to see her. Once I found out I was prego we decided he should come home asap and at that time his ex began telling us she could no longer handle having Lex full time (it had been about 5 mos) and wanted us to take full custody.... so I'd say then shortly before my b/f left for AZ Lex started having daytime accidents again and the night time accidents increased to almost nightly. We now have her full time (other than every other weekend) and the "accidents" persist. Her mother has taken her to the pediatrician repeatedly and he has tested her for infection, he says there is nothing wrong. We have been very lienent about night time accidents because she still sleeps so deeply. We continue to limit her fluids and wake her for the bathroom, but now she is still peeing the bed. The daytime accidents are very frequent and we are getting alot of pressure from family for getting angry, they believe she has no control over it. We would like to believe that too except on several occasions she has been able to hold it for more than a half hour when stuck on the freeway and during a time when we were rewarding each day with out any accidents she made it more than two weeks without a single accident (day or night, infact she woke herself up to use the bathroom) and as soon as we discontinued the rewards she had three daytime accidents and two nightime accidents in two days. When we ask her why she does it she says I dunno, but that is her answer for everything (really). I feel like the bathroom issue is only the tip of the iceberg with her, aside from her social development issues she is also having trouble in school not behavioral just doesn't seem to "get it" as fast as the other kids, she brings home worksheets done in class where she was clearly not following along, and it seems like alot of her projects are unfinished. To an outsider she must seem like the perfect child... she listens (mostly)and she is polite (mostly)she is very socail with adults and always is happy to play with smaller children (very important, she is somewhat of a mother hen to her younger cousins). I love this child like my own, her mother, her father and I show a united front and we have all taken great strides to make sure Lex is okay with her new role as the big sister, she calls her mom nightly and seems genuinly happy to live with us. We are completely at a loss on the bathroom issue we have made an appt for the urologist unfortunatly she can not get in until Feb! We have resorted to encouraging Lex to at least tell us when she has an accident during the day, she lies about them and hides it until she has sores on her bottom, though I should point out she hasn't had an accident at school ever, or at least not one the teachers have noticed. It seems we truely have tried everything we can think of and considering she seems to be able to control it when she wants to I have a haunting feeling the urologist may find nothing wrong, which should be a good thing but at this point we're all hoping there is a easy medical answer because we've exhausted every other conclusion. My b/f said that as a child he did have some bed time accidents but he'd grown out of that by age 5, Lex will be 7 next week. My only other thought is I read somewhere that some children with ADD or ADHD experiance night time incontinence, and considering her other learning and social issues I'm wondering if this should be considered. Any advice is greatly appreciated, I appologize for the life story but I'm hoping maybe there are some clues we missed. thanks again
I just want to thank everyone for posting their advice so quickly, I know that was a doozie of post I put up. I'm going to show my b/f the posts and encourage him to speak with her mother about dealing with thses issues now before they set her too far behind her peers. I agree with many of your suggestions and I feel the best course of action would be to have her start being responsible for her own laundry and bed changes, that will take some of the edge off of this for us and help us to stay patient while we work through this. Also I'm going to suggest we all make the time to sit together with her teacher and find out what can be done to help her catch up, just yesterday the teacher had a brief meeting with my b/f about her not paying attention. She is a very sensitive child so we will continue to be as careful as possible, of course her mental and physical well being is our main concern. Until Feb's appt we wait patiently. Again Thank you for all of you advice!
I can't believe that the school hasn't brought in their Special Ed department. She sounds like a lot of the kids that my sister-in-law works with and she teaches Early Childhood Special Ed, birth to 5years old. You should at least have her evaluated to rule out any special needs. You should also take her to see a therapist. A lot of what is happening could be psychological too.
As a SAHM of 10 who has had several "bed wetters" even up to 9 years of age; I suggest just laying off. Get a couple of waterproof/rubber sheets..they are covered with flannel. If she's able, have her remove the bedding and put it in the washer when she wets...just to make her responsible for the clean up too. Have her put them in the dryer and make sure one is dry each night...help her change the bedding. No pullups needed then. She can make sure all wet clothing is put in the washer too. I have a unit on the wall behind my washer that so pre-treats the cold water that I don't need detergent, softeners, bleach or hot water any more...nor to pre-sort clothes. It makes laundry simple enough for young children. I've seen the bacteria barrier that results after the initial 4-5 washings that remove the old detergent residue...spills actually disappear in minutes often on such clothes. Very little lint so very little wear & tear on our clothes now too. She can be taught, then, to put the bedding and clothes in the washer and just turn it on...easy.
Get an air purifier like I have to take care of urine odors...it also kills bacteria and can save a lot of respiratory ills after awhile like mine has if it's one that promises to remove bacteria even off of surfaces like mine does.
When she takes full responsibility for her "messes"...maybe she'll see how nice it is when she's dry...and it's so much less work. She'll gain confidence in herself. She'll learn responsibility just logically given to her...no yelling at her. Doesn't sound like you have yelled - that's good.
She's a little girl who has a broken home...no other way to cut it. I think she just needs all the more love & patience. Being taught responsibility tho' is good.
B. in WI
WOW! You are awesome for diligently working to resolve this issue!
I really think she needs more attention and she feels rejected by her mother. It is awesome that you were taking her every other week, but I can't imagine that was really stable for her to be shuffled from house to house every week. And now her mother can't handle her full time? Whether she knows that or not, that change has to be hard on a child. At least the mother admitted it and didn't neglect her. That is a total plus.
Do you have one on one time with her every day? You may want to schedule that every day. Also, you need to be consistant with every thing you do and follow up with all you say. She needs to learn she can trust you and your b/f and that you won't abandon her as well. I can tell you never would but she needs to be reassured of that as well.
As far as friends go, it is easier to reject first than be rejected. Going with the feeling of rejection by her mother, she also may think if her mother doesn't love her, others couldn't possible even like her and she is not worthy. I know it sounds complicated for a 7 year old to grasp/feel that but I did at 3 and I had a lot of the same problems. She will not make friends if she feels she is unloveable. She needs equal her self worth not on what others think of her but what she thinks of herself. When she makes friends, she is a follower aka PEOPLE PLEASER. Her thinking? Maybe if I please them they will like me.
I hope this helps! Good luck and please let me know what happens!
My advice from what you have explained is that she is acting out to get the attention she needs and wants. By having these accidents and acting out she is getting what you she wants ATTENTION. She is not seeking any friends or so forth due to feeling abandon periodically by her parents in one way or another. She may have some form of add or adhd but my advice would to seek out a child psycologist and maybe get her involved in a big sister big brother situation where they are focused 100% on her during that time. Try and get her involved in one on one activities like with a tutor or special helper. Make sure to be involved in all of the extracurricular activities at school and possible think about one of you or someone real close to her volunteering in the classroom. I think what she is seeking is more one on one undivided attention to boost her self esteem and sense of security in the relationships that are suppose to be close to her. Good Luck! It will get better but it is better to start now then later or there will be more trouble then. Seek a child psycologist and research there credentials before speaking with them.
I have a son who did it until the age of 10 or 11.. Cutting out liquids did not work. I would suggest getting a cover for her mattress, not making a big deal of it, If it counts after 6 or 7 seek peds advise. All kids are different and this is something she is going through. I have to say when we cut liquids out for my son he would just sneak and get it while we were sleeping because he was thristy. It stoppped when we told him to just bring the sheets down and change his bed when it happened. We stopped reacting to it and that was it. I now wonder if it was an attention thing. Have you thought about having her blood sugar checked. My nephew is 17 and he still does it if his blood sugar is too high. But he is a diabetic. Hope this helps , hang in there this too will pass
First of all M. I want to say that you sound like you are a wonderful mommy to her. It is not uncommon for children to have accidents. Sometimes they really can not help the night time accidents and when it is made to be a big deal they tend to have more due to the stress. This little girl has had to deal with a lot in her young life. First she was seeing her dad and you on the weekends and then her mom couldnt handle her on a full time basis so her whole routine changed in that regard because she now had daddy on a full time basis and didnt see mommy as often. Then daddy leaves for work in Arizona and she is left with you on a full time basis and sees her mom on the weekend. Then a new baby is brought into the picture which causes jealousy. It is just my opinion but I think the accidents will taper off soon. Just keep showing her love and dont make it into a big deal. As for the social aspect of her behavior, maybe she is just a shy child. Maybe she gets picked on at school so doesnt want to hang around children for fear of rejection. My thinking is and this is just my opinion but maybe if you took her to see a child psychologist she would be able to open up and talk freely about what is going on in her young mind and you might be able to figure out what is bothering her/ causing her shyness and accidents.
Again I think you are a great mommy and I hope that maybe this helps in some small way.
I'm not sure anyone has control over what they do when they sleep. That's why we don't get mad at our SO when they cry out someone's name, or ...Anyway, I posted on another request about how the body matures, and a chemical is released to tell the body not to urinate when sleeping. In some children, this can last until age 12. Please don't make your child feel guilty about night time wetting. At about age 8, you may purchase an alarm that is VERY LOUD to wake her (and you) when she starts to urinate. Late age bedwetting is very common in our family, but when my daughter was 8, sleepovers made it difficult to deal with, so we got this alarm, and within two weeks her body got the idea. It's better than "goodnites". It is also possible that if there is a development delay, that this is part of it. Mattress protectors, goodnites, whatever it takes to get her and you through this. But please be kind. This is not an easy road.
M., I have lots of experience with abused and neglected kids and I think you and her father should consider taking her to a child psychologist to see if there is a tramatic reason for all this behavior. These things are typical behavior of abused or neglected children and she may be acting out something she tucked away mentally. God Blees you for taking her in. -H.
I don't have any magical solutions but we don't allow our kids anything to drink after supper. They are done eating about 5:30 and go to bed at 7:30. They don't get a thing to drink after they leave the table. I also make sure they go to the bathroom at least 2 times after dinner. Once around 6:30 and again before getting into bed.
Good luck and try the Walmart brand of pullups, they're really cheap and work well.
J.
To me, this screams of an emotional issue, not a pysical one. I'd bet that Lex is an intesnly emotional, sensitive child.
I'm sure her social setbacks are not about intelligence, but about feelings. She watches the world around her and can't imagine anyone feeling the way she does, so she doesn't think she can relate to others. It sounds like her biological mother is unpredictable, so Lex probably has issues with trust and depending on others. Her "mother hen" play tells me she has good social instincts and also, I think she's acting out what she wants from adults around her. Her clingyness tells me that she wants attention and praise, more than an average child would.
I think the bedwetting is juat a symptom of what's going on inside her. She seems to be crying out for help. It's very normal for kids her age to bedwet, tantrum or act out strangely when they need help but they don't know what or why. I don't think she can help it. I'm sure she's terribly embarrased about it.
I think she needs to see some sort of behavioral therapist or psycologist. If you were to go that route, you might start by talking to her school councelor or pediatrician. Most of all, though, she's lucky to have you in her life. You want to help her and you love her, I think that's what she needs the most.
I think this is some sort of psyhological problem and not physical. If she has never had a accident at school. I think having her use the restroom every half hour before bed is to much. I just make sure my daughter uses the bathroom before bed I'm not picky a hour or so before bed. Who is cleaning up the accidents? My daughter is 5 and has an occasional drip in her panties from almost not making it to the bathroom and when this happens she knows she's responsible for changing her clothes and putting the soiled ones where they go. So it doesn't interfere with me at all I may have some extra laundry to do. If she is wetting the bed every night I would use pull ups. I have known several add or adhd kids that wet the bed on a regular basis myself maybe there is a direct link there. This could be a attention thing I dunno I would try and child psychologist just to look at the entire picture as well as a urologist. I went to school with somone who had something wrong with her bladder I think she would use the rest room but she wouldn't empty her bladder all the way something wrong medically so she would have to go to the bathroom immediately again.
That was a lot of things put together. I have a step son who is in the same situation. he was wetting the bed and acting out. we had him tested and he has "adhd". he wasn't behaving in school and trying to get attention by talking or being silly or just acting out. I know he is a smart kid, just not showing it. and for the bed wetting, I cut the liquids off at 7 and would wake him up in the middle of the night to go. he might of still had a accident for a month or two but soon after stopped. he was also but on adderall for the behavior, so maybe you should talk to a doctor about meds. ( adhd )
