One of the Greatest Gifts You Can Give Your Child Is a Sibling?

I have to say I have struggled with the fact that my daughter may be an only child because I don't seem to be able to give her a sibling. We have been trying for a long time. She is fine and a very happy child. We can provide for her whatever she needs or wants and will be able to travel more with her to give her those types of experiences we probably would not be able to provide with 2.

My 14 year old nephew is an only child. JJ and I are very close and I have talked to him about this because it weighs so heavily on my heart. JJ is a great kid, very well-rounded and likes being the only kid. He is a great guy and is one of the most popular kids in his class.

The best gift you can give your child is a happy home.

It’s a very beautiful quote....I have 2 friends who have only one child, but not by choice. One Mom friend got uterine cancer soon after the birth of her son and the other Mom had to do IVF because after several years of trying they weren’t conceiving. By the time she became prego she was 45. Both are EXTREMELY BLESSED. If a Mom reads that quote who is in that situation I’m sure her heart would ache. They have both bestowed so much love in their child and are truly happy. In both cases the kids are in high school now and very successful =-)

In my humble opinion the greatest gift you can give a child is unconditional love.

Whatever you decide you will be very lucky to have such a beautiful family!
Peace & Blessings!

Hi Jessica, I'm an only child and HATED it, still do. I don't have any siblings, which means I don't have any neices, nephews, and my kids don't have any aunts/uncles, cousins, etc. I'm 42 and the only one left in my immediate family is my mom. Its great when you are a kid cuz you're spoiled and get everything, but not so great when you are older. Just something to think about. I have 2 kids (but wanted 4-6!) and a step daughter and they are all 3 years apart. I definately wouldn't want them any further apart in age. This is just my opinion. Good luck to you!

I have two children who are teen/adults (17 and 21) and I have a son that's 3.

Now my 2 older kids live elsewhere and my youngest is at home and I can tell you that my older two are WAY different than my youngest because he's "technically" an only child as there is very little interaction with the older kids.

And I hate it. There is something about my older two and their "bond" they have with each other. It is not something I can't give my youngest and I wish I could.

But here's the deal...I am not in your home and don't know what your circumstance is. But I can tell you that the pros of having a sibling are they will not be alone, they can share burdens, they learn negotiation skills (especially when dishes need to be done or both need the car at the same time), they will learn patience and how to share and you will have a break once in a while when your children are playing together insttead of you having to entertain them all the time.

If you have one...YOU are all they have. You are playmate and confidant and mom and dad and that is all they have when there's no one else to share with...

I would have another child for my son if I was able...but I cannot.

For the record tho...one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is YOUR TIME....but a sibling comes in a close second...

Smiles and good luck to you.

I am an only child and had the happiest childhood ever! I'm very close to my parents, and always had a lot of friends at school. I think people who say you are giving your child a "gift" in having more children are sort of deluded. If YOU want to have another child, then by all means do, but don't kid yourself into thinking your child will view the new sibling as a gift.

My husband has a younger sister, and they hate each other. She lives on another continent, but still when they talk on the phone more than once a month, they fight. Both of their parents have died, so you'd think that would make them closer - but no. They just don't like each other, never have.

My dad is the middle of 7 kids. NONE of them talk to each other anymore. Out of those 7 kids, only 4 had kids, and all of us grandchildren are only children - if that tells you anything about what those 7 kids think about having siblings.

I myself have two children 2.5 years apart, having been browbeaten into it by well-meaning friends and family who think that siblings are "gifts." Occasionally my girls will play together nicely, but more often they battle. They are as different as oil and water personality-wise. They don't have the same interests, and for the most part don't enjoy the same things. And so they bicker, and fight, and do mean things to each other. I wish they wouldn't, but I can't control the way they are as people. Of course I love them both - but I also realize that I had them for ME, not for each other.

Somebody once said, expecting your child to be happy about a new sibling is a little like your husband expecting you to be happy when he brings home another wife. (Kinda puts it in perspective, huh?) ;-)

Anyhow, I guess there are some families where everyone adores all of their siblings, but I think there are a lot more where everyone merely tolerates their siblings. It's a very personal choice, and really only one that can be made by considering the personalities involved. There is certainly nothing wrong with having an only child! =)

I think you need to not focus on giving your child a sibling but rather deciding what you and your husband want. If you are unsure, I would say that you don't want another. If you are unsure because your husband may not want another one, reevaluate. If you really do want one talk to him about it and explain why. He will probably agree if you are passionate about it. But, I REALLY wouldn't just have one to give your child a sibling. Only children are just fine!! Good luck either way.

The greatest gift you can give your child is love, stability, etc. I second the person who said the best thing you can provide them is a happy home. It's not easy, but it is definately true. Some parents cannot or have chosen not to have another child, does that make them lesser parents? No. Some have made that choice so that they can provide for their child, stay home, etc.

There are a lot of pros to having an only imho. For one, you can focus more on that child (and it gets exhausting some days but you learn to join playgroups, etc, right??). You don't have to worry about finances, resources, etc. There's less stress with an only. Typically, onlies have better relationships with their parents. Stuides have also shown that onlies do better in life. Of course, with anything, your mileage may vary. ;) But seriously, you can google advantages to having an only or singleton and there's a lot of info out there to look through. The one big disadvantage I see is dealing with people's misperceptions and misinformation regarding onlies (ie it's wierd, they're spoiled, etc -- non of which is necessarily true).

My husband has 2 younger siblings. None of them talk to each other. In fact, it's a mess. So providing a sibling in no way guarantees that children will get a long later in life. Matter of fact, my dh's youngest sister is a full out brat (there goes the theory that only singletons are brats). There are just so many factors that are in play. I get along with my siblings just fine, I just hardly ever see them due to the distances. Also, if you or your husband have siblings, how do they all get along? What I've noticed is that family habits are hard to die. In other words if, like my husband's family, nobody seems to get along you're going to have to work double hard to change these habits.

Bottom line, if you really really want another child you and your husband need to talk. If you decide you want to have another, then that's great. Go for it and good luck! If you decide one is enough, that's fine too. You are not cheating your other child.

"The best gift you can give your child is a happy home."

I like what Jodi D. said! I think that's what you should focus on. Only you and your husband can decide if having an only child will make your home a happy place. I would sit down and have a conversation with him about what both of you want for your family. Think about you will regret having or not having another child. Why? Explain all this to your husband. Ask him to do the same thing, and discuss it at a later date (like in a week, so he has some time to think about it). I would forget that quote about another sibling and focus on the one about a happy home!!

My kids are 4 years apart... they are very close. We love it too. My eldest child, my daughter, has always told us that she is so HAPPY to have her little brother. When he was born, she actually told me "thank you Mommy for my brother...I love him." And she told people that I had him "for" her. In her child's mind, that is what she felt.
we had always wanted 2 children though.

My friends, who are an "only" child... ALL have said they HATED it growing up, being the only one... and they have gone on to have more than one child, themselves.

My close friends, some of them have siblings who are farther than 5+ years apart... they get along, but by the time they were born, there was no one in the home, a sibling, for them to play with. So it was sometimes lonely, or the elder children also had to be a parent helper, which they hated, but which in that generation, was just everyday necessity.

And, actual conceiving can take time, or not. So spacing children on purpose, does not always turn out perfectly. No matter what the age spacing... parents will adapt and love their children.

All the best,
Susan

I just wanted to say thank you for writing this. I think there were a lot of us that may have been subconciously asking ourselves the same question.

I have loved reading all of these very thoughtful responses! How many children to have is such a difficult decision to make, especially if you have the luxury of making that decision. Here is our situation.

My husband and I went through years of infertility and then a very difficult pregnancy and delivery before having our first child. Because of complications, I was told not to have more children. Growing up, I was very close to my younger brother, and I always wanted a large family. My husband and I are both Catholic, and it was a big adjustment for us to get used to the idea of having one child, but we were so incredibly thankful for our son. For five and a half years we were a very happy family of three. Our son seemed quite happy to be an only child. Then we were shocked (and a bit frightened given my history) to discover I was pregnant. Now we have two boys, six and a half years apart.

Today they are 5 and 12 years old and they are extremely close. They have not gone through any periods of jealousy or fighting. They are different in many ways, but are so compatible. Even with the large age difference, they have so much fun together. My oldest is a natural teacher and will be a wonderful father someday, and he takes such pride in teaching my youngest new things. He helps him add and subtract, and is now helping him learn to ride a bike. I keep expecting my oldest to get sick of having a shadow, but that hasn't happened yet. We see to it that each of them gets their alone time, and special time with us as well.

I do know many siblings that don't get along well at all, so as others have said, you really don't know how it's going to go until you have more than one child. I do think some of it depends on your parenting style, but a lot of it has to do with the personalities of the children. Some kids just "click" and others simply get on each others nerves.

We were so happy and at peace with the idea of having one child by the time I got pregnant with our second that I was terrified that our youngest was going to upset the balance in our home. I had nothing to worry about. He has been such a joy. We would have been a happy family of 3, but we are a much happier family of 4.

Good luck with your decision. I know how agonizing it can be.

Thank you so much for posting this question. My husband and I are having the same occassional discussion. I always felt that I wanted two children. When he and I married, I got a child, a 5 year old son who I feel like is mine. Then 3 years later, we had our own son. I still wouldn't mind having another baby, but some days I feel like I'm perfectly content with my 2 boys. I do have the thought in the back of my mind of should I have another one so that my son isn't and only??? My son turns 3 also in March and I would also like to make a decision to have another one soon so they aren't too far apart in age and I get older (I'll be 32 next month too).

Good luck with your decision and I know all too well that it's not an easy one to make.

I think it really has to be about whether you and your husband want another child. Your son may love or hate being an only child - there's no way to predict. Likewise, there's no way to predict if he would have a good relationship with a sibling or not. All of that is out of your control. Your decision has to be based on how you and your husband feel about having more children.

Obviously, you should want to have another... not for your son, but because you want to have another child. Sort of hard to describe wanting though... I always just sort of "knew" that I wanted 2. I was the youngest of 3, the only girl. I felt picked on, etc as a child.. but it didn't make me not want to have 2 kids. I was very close during the summers of pre-teen years, with the younger of my two brothers... we were best friends all summer - played one on one baseball, basketball, tag football, you name it. And board games (3 day long Monopoly anyone?). We aren't all that close NOW. Just practically speaking.... we live 5 hours apart, I'm married with 2 kids, he is recently married with none, so far. But I wouldn't trade having him for anything. No one on this earth, my wonderful husband included, will ever be able to share in the memories of my childhood from a similar perspective! When our parents aren't able to be on their own any longer, I will have someone to consult with about how to best handle things... someone who isn't biased because they are THEIR parents too. I won't feel like it is all up to ME to figure out. In the wee hours of Christmas morning... it wasn't my parents' room I went into to wake someone... it was my brother's room... When I was in college and I was "finding myself" my brother was a phone call away, and he would call me sometimes too, to have a heart to heart about how what I was doing (neglecting my school, debating eloping vs. a "real" wedding) was affecting the rest of the family.

My own kids are almost exactly 3 years apart. Boy and girl. And they are the best of friends. Obviously that is not always the case for siblings. And of course, they sometimes fight and hurt each other's feelings deeply. But they make up and move on, sort of like grown-ups. It's one of those few relationships in the world that you can feel "safe" in... that no matter what you do/say that person will not leave you or hate you forever (generally speaking). I think THIS is the sort of thinking that is behind the quote you mentioned. It really is a blessing.

One of my best friends is an only. She never has had anything negative to say about it. She is very outspoken and sure of herself. TONS of friends. She is married, but childless, however. So her parents have no grandchildren, and never will. Now, that may sound selfish, but at the same time, she and her husband are missing out on an awful lot, too. She fawns over my kids when we see her, but as my kids get older, they are less comfortable because they don't see her that often. She has always been the type to "adopt" her friends kids and spoil them. My own kids call her "Aunt __" and she loves it. But the truth is, she isn't an Aunt. She would be a spectacular one, but for the fact that she has no nieces or nephews.
My kids play together and expand their imaginations together in ways that I (as an adult) cannot relate to. They tell silly jokes that THEY think are hysterical.. and my husband and I can't take it anymore - they were on a knock-knock joke kick just yesterday... for HOURS.... THEY were having fun... I was on my last nerve.

The bottom line is: you just don't know. They may have the best sibling relationship ever, or not, like some of the other moms mentioned. Have another child, because you want one. And teach your older one how to love/share/mentor the younger. Seeing my children together playing and making each other laugh and smile, makes my heart want to explode sometimes. I don't get that same feeling when they are playing with friends on playdates.

Jessica

I believe that statement. I never wanted to have one child for several reasons. I am also an older mother and wanted to do it quickly. Couple thoughts that helped me make my choice and I had to think long term.

1. A sibling helps to teach another child to handle conflict
2. It frees you up from being the only source to call on when they get older or need help.
3. It's the self-less thing to do - They learn to share
4. If I die , I don't have to worry about the burden of funeral planning being on just one or my child being alone in this world
5. They have an opportunity to be each other's friends, especially if close in age
6. You have more opportunity for grandchildren when you get older if one decide not to marry or didn't get a chance to.
7. It's fun having them play with each other instead of taking of your energy as you get older
8. You and your spouse can go on vacation later without worrying about the only child being lonely or coming along.
9. When you get older, you don't have to worry about your only child trying to take care of you especially if he/she has a family of his/her own
10. You have more than one to look forward to coming home to visit you.

I personally saw what it was like when I had only my son, and I see the joy on his face when he saw hisbrother. They adore each other and as hard as it is now having them 3 yrs apart, I see better days coming already (or different problems, haha)

Anyway, I think it's a great thing if you can afford to, to have another one, especially if you have time on your hands :-))

I have two girls - one is 10 and the other is 2. I did not intentionally have them so far apart, but that was out of my control. We had our first daughter very young, while both my husband and I were in college. We waited to have another one until we were ready - finished school, began our careers, bought a house, etc. When my daugher turned 6 we decided to try to have another one. Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy. I had several complications trying to get pregnant and ended up having to do IVF to conceive my second child. During those couple of years of "trying" to have another baby, all my older daughter wanted was a sibling. She would constantly ask me why she couldn't have one. And, all I could tell her that it was up to God if we had another baby. It would break my heart to hear her in her room every night praying to God for another sibling and asking why he wouldn't give her one. Some nights she would cry about it, too. I always knew I wanted more than one child just because of how close I am with my brother and sister. Plus, I think as siblings grow older they are able to be there for each other when it comes to taking care of the parents later on life. I wouldn't want my child to have to go through that all by herself.

So, needless to say, my IVF treatment worked the first time around and I was blessed with a healthy baby girl. Although they are somewhat far apart in age, I wouldn't have it any other way. They both get along with eachother so well. And, because my older daughter is so much older she is like a 2nd mom to my younger one. She is such a huge help with her. My older one is so much happier now that she has a sister. Even today, some times she comes and tells me how much she can't believe she has a sister and how happy she is that God finally gave us another baby.

So, you obviously need to do what is best for your family, what ever that decision will be. Good luck!

I have 3 kids , I never wanted to have only 1 child , I like the idea of them having someone to play with and being able to share the excitement of Christmas & birthdays with siblings. I also think long term when my husband & I are no longer around , they will have each other.

I am not an only child , have 1 sister and my husband is 1 of 4.

No-one can tell you what is right or wrong , if deep down you don't want another child then don't have one , you can't have one because you think you should and you can afford it. Your son is only just turning 3 so you still have time , my sister was 5 yrs older than me.

I am an only child and I have two sons, age 6 and 4 (almost) so I have lived both sides of it. I think they are so lucky to have each other. Originally, I only wanted one child because I was pleased with my life growing up. However, I do think there is something that was lacking in my childhood. I didn't have a constant playmate. I think it is so awesome that they have each other to play with, fight with, learn things from and laugh with. They stick up for each other and find interesting ways to entertain each other every day. It's so special. A sibling is ONE of the greatest gifts you can give your child. Now, whether or not that give remains as special when they are adults, you got me! Good luck in your decision-making process.

I am only child and mother of two. You should have as many children as you want and can comfortably be surrounded by :) BUT...here is my situation. I lost my paternal grandparents and my father in the three years. I am unfortunately estranged from my mother. The only blood family I have is my uncle who is in poor health and three cousins. Of course I have my immediate family of my husband and two boys but it feels weird at times when I think about once having family and now I don't. I wrote all of the obituaries for the family members that passed. It would have been nice to have had a sibling along side me.

I think this can be true for many people but not for everyone. I have a younger brother (5 years younger) and we have a positive relationship but I would not describe us as close. I know I could count on him if I needed him although he has his own life. My cousins are 2 years apart and quite close as well. My husband and his sister are 1 1/2 years apart and although they share some similar traits are very very different. She pretends that she likes him but she is a big phony. He has told me that he would rather he was an only child or had an older brother. He says he would prefer to have been an older child but then his neurotic mom would only have him to focus on. I have never met anyone who says they hated being an only child but I do know parents who had to have 1 child but wanted more. They think its best to have more than one. I myself am pretty sure we are having 1 child, our son, who is 22 months. He was a very difficult baby although he is sweet and wonderful right now. I don't feel bad or guilty. The only thought is, kinda selfish I know, but if something were to happen to him, I would be devestated and not have another child for comfort. People all over Europe and increasingly in the US have 1 child. I think it depends on how you approach it and what your attitude is that you pass along to your child. Good luck!

I didn't read all of the responses, so forgive me if I over state anything.

My daughter is 2 and loves to play with other kids and is constantly asking for "kids!". We go to "school" once a week (the state offers baby classes/parent classes in every county here for an affordable price) where she gets to play with other kids her age. I also try to get her out on playdates often, but it is harder in the winter in MN.

When my daughter plays with our little dog like she is a sibling, I think, thank God we will have a real sibling for her soon (due in April). I see having a sibling for my daughter as something she needs. We also went through infertility for years and look at both children as miracles.

I grew up with four brothers and although I don't live in the same state as them and we aren't all that close, I still value having siblings more so than if I didn't. When Mom died 6 years ago it was very hard on all of us, but at least I had some help taking care of her.

I have always felt that I wanted two or more children more for their sake than my own. I would have and probably still will adopt more children.

That's how we see it in OUR home. Make the best choice for YOUR family.
Best wishes.

I can't imagine life without my younger brother. We don't talk everyday, but I know he is always there for me and I can count on him for anything at anytime. Someday when our parents are no longer with us, I thank God I will have him in my life. I have two sons of my own and always knew I wanted my children to have a sibling because I can't imagine going through life without mine. My boys are hardly close at their age-2 and 5, but I know they will always have each other to lean on and will become closer as they mature. Of course, having another child is a personal decision, but I once read something a mom on this website wrote to another mom and it has stuck with me. She said,"You will never regret having another child, but you may someday regret the decision not to." Good luck with your decision!