Out of Control 2.5 Yr Old Boy - HELP!!!

Hi. Can you tell us more about the daycare provider? Is this someone who really seems to enjoy working with kids or more like a SAHM who is providing daycare to supplement her income? How many kids per provider, etc.?

This behavior is not acceptable to anyone- and obviously not you if you are seeking help. You are the mother, you are in charge- don't accept this behavior! Even children with valid disabilities, like ADHD, should not be allowed to misbehave in such a way as to become a nuisance to others.
Children need distinct and obvious boundaries and consequences. Just because he talks like an adult doesn't mean he thinks like one. Make your rules clear and concise. Start by setting up clear expectations for his behavior and make sure he knows what this means. Short and sweet.
I'm not a big fan of spanking- but from my own experience- there are some children for whom nothing else works. (High energy boys who seem to have no fear of other consequences) When he's fresh and rude and out of line- a quick swat to the bum does wonders. Don't threaten or explain- just swat him immediately. It works! It will mark the bad behavior right away with a distinct and obvious sign that what he is doing is unacceptable. You may have to do this more frequently for the first week or so- but if he's as smart as you say, it won't take long for him to catch on.
He is probably acting out because he can- not because he wants to. The longer you allow the behavior the more normal it will become for him. Before long it will just be the way he is. You need to stop it now. Take a firm and direct approach and don't waver.
Good luck!
-S.

Hang in there Jessia! I know how you feel, my third was "the Busy Smarty" and it is exhausting!!! One of the things that caused a great deal of stress and prompted fresh & defiant behaviour was our son's inability to "roll with it". He NEEDS structure and predictability to feel safe. The more unpredictable and unstructured his day, the worse his behavior got. I don't know what your financial situation is but I offer this advice for you and your folks.
1)Get a 3 ring binder and create a monthly, weekly and daily schedule for your son. Once you have a blank template you can just fill in the blanks. Our son was much more pleasant when he had a schedule and knew EXACTLY what was coming next. It helped with transition times (ie:mom leaving for work, mom coming home from work,going to library story time, dinner,bath time, bed time you get the picture) This binder is for everybody, when we had other people help out (grand parents/babysitters)the book helped keep our little guy on track and comfortable. I found using the plastic sheet protectors helpful for little hands.
2)Take pictures of daily activities, put a piece of Velcro (sold everywhere in little packages) on the back of the photos and line the photos up top to bottom on a piece of poster board(maybe in a common room like the kitchen) so your son can see his day. This is a common tool used in most schools and daycare centers.
3)Lots of outside time! In really terrible weather check out open play times at places like Jr. Gyms and Rumble Tumble. Busy kids need physical activity every day.
4)Try to have a special activity scheduled everyday. A typical week for us when my Busy Smarty was this:
Monday: Story time @ library & 45 mins @ the park (all free)
Tuesday: Tumble Tots gym class & 2 hour play date w/friend from class (keep play dates short at this age)
Wednesday: Toddler Art & trip to park
Thursday: Tumble Tot open gym time
Friday: morning themed play date (play-do, mega-blocks, board games ) trip to library to return books and borrow a weekend video
Weekends: A little looser but with definite meal/play/special activity/bath & bed times.
Good luck in looking for pre-school programs. I would recommend looking for centers with a lot of structure, small teacher to student ratios and even boy/girl enrollment.
Getting a structured week under way is hard at first, but it can help make everyone's life more enjoyable in the long run.

Hi J. - I had to respond to this one since it sounds very much like my 2 1/2 year old son. He too is very smart and speaks very well (often lots of phrases that blow my husband & I away), SUPER high energy (moreso that the bulk of children we know his age including the boys!), but also very sweet & loving. At the same time, he is extremely stubborn and has a strong need for gross motor outlets! We've had (and continue to have) issues with hiting, sometimes biting, pinching and other physical, sometimes aggressive behaviors...

For our son, it's escalated over the last few months, not all of a sudden. My husband has even suggested maybe ADHD, however I really don't think so. He is very able focus & engage, but if he doesn't want to do something, he doesn't want to do it! I feel he's gotten a little better, or rather, WE'VE gotten better at handling him. It takes ALL the patience the 2 of us have 100% of the time which is a challenge (not to mention I am due with #2 tomorrow). I would start with the recommendation of a book called 'Raising Your Spirited Child.' Check it out and see if it helps change your view of the situation a little. As far as suggestions, we try redirection as much as possible to prevent or curtail a meltdown/tantrum or undesirable behavior, we try to use as much positive reinforcement as possible to encourage the good behavior, and when he does act up and nothing seems to work, we put him in his room and tell him he needs to calm down and be a nice boy/use nice word/whatever the case may be before we can talk to him. He doesn't typically stay put, but we won't really engage with him until he calms down & often (dpeending on what he's done) apologizes. He doesn't like the lack of attention (even negative attention is attention), so generally, even if after 20 mins or more, he will come over and try... apologize or try to use a non-screaming voice. As soon as we see an ounce of effort we embrace it, him, show affection, thank him and very basically explain why we were upset at that behvaior, why it's not okay. It's helping...

Sorry this is so long - I could go on and on. Hope it is somewhat helpful for you. Hang in there and don't get down on yourself! As for daycare, a center might be a better choice where they do have more structure and staff that may have more training/education in dealing with these spirited kids! Best of luck!

Hi J.,

My son will be 7 soon. When he was about 2 he started acting the way your son is now acting. We too suspected ADHD but held off getting him diagnosed since he was so young (we thought maybe the terrible twos were just too hard for him).

We took him to a pediatric neurologist when he turned 5 because we were concerned that when he started kindergarten he would have some trouble "behaving". We got a diagnosis of ADHD and tried several medications with variable results.

Later, when things didn't get much better we took him to be evaluated with a neuropsychologist and got an additional diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. That is a very high functioning form of autism. Daniel is very intelligent but has trouble regulating his feelings, actions, behaviors -- especially in a social setting.

I'm not saying that is what is happening with your son but if he is being asked to leave daycare at this age there may be something to look for. If - and it's only if - he does have any kind of diagnosis early intervention is the best thing you can do for him. The sooner you get help the better and sooner he will be adjusted to social settings. He may be too young for any kind of medication but there are many other types of therapies out there to get him socially adjusted. We used medication as a last resort. Now, he sees a child psychologist for play therapy -- learning how to share and take turns, etc., among other non-drug therapies.

Maybe for your son it is only a case of "terrible two's times two". If you have any questions or want to communicate more please feel free to e-mail me directly.

I hope this helps and that you are not offended by my information.

Sincerely, Louise, mother of 1 son, Daniel, age 6.

Hi,

I'm a mom of 4 (3 boys and 1 girl). I too am the mom of two boys that are the busiest and fastest kids they have ever seen. Both have ADHD. One thing you could try is calling Early Intervention in your area. You can get the number by either yellow pages.com or talk to your pediatrician. If you decide to wait until he is 3 or close to it, you can call your school district(public.) Either way they will screen or evaluate your child and should give you some guidence. If you have a good pediatrician he/she should also give you some direction.

Good Luck,
Stacey

Where there is sort of a history of ADHD, perhaps you should consult with your pediatrician. Tell him about recent happenings and see what he would suggest.

I don't have any advice for you necessarily, but I did want to let you know that my 28 month old son sounds very similar to yours. He is super active, and EVERY mother who has spent any time with him has said that he is the most active kid they have ever seen. I literally can't take him to many places because I can't keep up (especially now being 5 months pregnant) and he always ends up breaking something. He doesn't do it out of anger, he just does not know how to handle all of his energy. It eventually escalates to the point where he will intentionally throw something and laugh histarically. He is so violent with the dogs that we are giving them away (to a wonderful home) this weekend. He adores the dogs but he can't contain his excitement at a safe level. Many other children his age are scared of him because he gets loud and like to bear hug other children until they both fall to the floor. Lucky for us, one of his cousins loves to play with him this way, and he will play with her for hours. I don't think that he wants to be like this, but his doctor always says that it's just him being a 2 yo boy. I know that I need to find an alternative medicine practioner to help him at this point, but we are not sure which route to take, and since insurance does not cover the type of care we are seeking, we can't afford to spend any time with someone who is not capable of helping us. I disagree with most ADHD diagnoses, feeling that there is something underlying, but I don't know what. I have heard often of food allergies, but don't know where to start with that. I am marking your question, and will check back to see what comes of it. I didn't mean to steal your thread, just wanted you to know that you're not alone :)

Dear J. D, I have a 9 yr. old that has never been diagnosed. I don't think he has ADHD, but he may have some of the ADD tendancies. He was such a beautiful and playful little boy and then around 2 yrs. or so, he began the behavioral changes...some of the same things that I think yours is doing. We didn't really know anything was "different" until he went to Kindergarten....I just thought he had a curious personality and a very outgoing one too. Since then, we have struggled a bit with the behavior. We also have a 7yr old boy, a 2.9 yr. old girl and a 9mon. baby.....this year because of the baby and things becoming more challenging, I decided to go online and type in "ADHD & nutrition"...we have never wanted to medicate, so I completely changed over his diet...as well as all the kids, and his teachers, lunch ladies, recess aids, etc. have all noticed a great improvement in his behavior. I typed a list of all of the foods we have transferred him to and if you like I can reply with some of that information. I really think that "some" children cannot handle the preservatives, additives, etc. in today's food choices. I believe if you just change a few things in his diet, (it's not as complicated as you might think) you too will notice a difference. let me know if you would like some more info....(since i've done most of the research already). p.s. the kids all love the food i'm serving! sincerely, N. p

Structure helped my son with hyperactivity a lot. The more, the better. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the best enviroment, not every child fits in every situation, some will help them flourish, some they will just go along to get along, and some can actually detract. I would try more structure, and more challenging things to do, if he is smart, play to that.
Good luck,

All I can say is if you feel his behavior is unacceptable then it is. I would try giving him more intellectual activities. Giving him positive things to do and accomplish may steer him from some of the negative. Make sure you praise the heck out of him when he does do something good. Anything, Thank you for putting your dish in the sink, thank you for being good for 5 minutes. Now you and mommy can go do a fun activity. Probably something physical so he can get his energy out.

There could be a food sensitivity or allergy here as well. My oldest is VERY hyper when he gets certain foods in his diet and I was told if I didn't take them out, that at some point he would be classified as ADHD. He is doing very well now and is "catching up" with others his age very well. He had a hard time learning speech he was so hyper. One place to check out is feingold.org. I have seen other parents post other websites that are useful but I have never been to them, so don't know which ones they are.

Hi J.--My very high energy, determined, verbal little boy is now 4 years old. We've found that there have been lots of changes in his behavior over time--often he becomes more challenging, testing limits, etc, just before another developmental change (particularly in increased independence). I wanted to reiterate what Jennifer Q wrote & add abook to her list: "Raising Your Spirited Child". THis book was very helpful in reframing my ideas about my childs personality & recognizing that lots of the traits we find challenging in children are the very things they need to be successful in the adult world (energy, persistance, independence, free-thinking). The things we've found helpful for our DS include: structure, lots of understanding & positive discipline (insisting on politeness every time), being outside for copious amounts of time everyday regardless of weather, purposeful work (not just playing, but helping do dishes, dig in the garden etc.) and recognizing and including soothing activites everyday (for our DS--water, stories and music). I would be cautious about any diagnosis so young. Good luck!

Hi J. - seems there's a lot going on behind the scenes for this little one... And 2 and 3 are REAL "power ages". To start, he's now realized he's not a baby anymore, he's a toddler. With that comes a lot of testing.

However, as a single mom, sounds like his Dad is absent. How sad for him. No one can replace Dad. S0... find him a therapist. There are some wonderful ones that I know of and would be happy to refer you to one. Let's get this child on the right path before too much time goes by...

Also - your house! I have been a Realtor in southern NH for over 25 years and really am one of the best. Please let me refer you to a mortgage loan officer asap so you can start setting the foundation for a summer purchase! If you are looking to be into the house by August, time to start looking at the finances ins NOW. (This will give you time to follow the loan officers advice and get set up to actually purchase within your time frame...)

Long story - contact me if I can help!