My boyfriend's daughter was not being treated well at her mom's house, so she came to live with us. Before that she was fun and sweet and had the usual kid attitude problems. However, last week and this week, she has been out of control. She absolutely refuses to do anything I ask her to. She straight up says no with a smirk. I'll ask her again, and she still refuses. Anytime I try to punish her, she starts screaming a throaty scream or screaming her high pitched full-voice scream and even thrashes around sometimes. I'll ask her to calm down and stop screaming, but she gets worse. Whenever I try to walk away from her, she becomes physical and won't let me. She'll stand in front of me, push me, and grab my arm to prevent me from calling her dad. It has gotten so bad that she has tried biting me, has hit me, kicked me, and threatened to hit me with objects. She's taken and threatened to break my glasses and my belongings. Yesterday, she was so mad that she hit her bedroom door with a folding chair and put holes in it. Her dad tries to get her to stop doing things, and she'll listen to him, but once we are alone again, it starts all over. I love her and I really care, but I'm beginning to feel disconnected from her. I have given up on pretty much everything. For instance, she was to do her math homework tonight. I checked it, and it was not done. I tried to tell her which ones were wrong, so she could correct them, and she told me they were all right and she finished her homework and was going outside. I told her no, and she did it anyway. As a matter of fact, she's out there now. I know if I try to enforce things, she will get violent again. I am so physically and emotionally drained that I cannot bring myself to enforce anything. It's even beginning to affect my work at my job and at home. At other times, she says she loves me and wants me to be her mom, and she sounds genuine, but she continues to disrespect me and hurt me. Please help me. Punishment brings on violence. Reward doesn't work.
The Latest: I really appreciate all of your insights and suggestions. We decided to do a combination of it all, including my not be alone with her for awhile and counseling. On Thursday, her dad picked her up from school instead of me. She was excited at first until she realized that probably meant she was in trouble. She asked where I was and he explained why I wasn't there. He took her to her grandmother's. She stayed there all night until he was done with work, and then he brought her home. While she was there, they explained to her that it would never be acceptable for her to hit me. he separately told her grandfather and grandmother that the reason she was hitting me was because she thought I was going to kick her and her dad out on the street. They asked her why she said that, and she said her mom told her I'd get fed up and kick them out. They both explained that I wouldn't, that I loved them both, and that they were my family, and she smiled and said that made them feel better. They remember her saying something similar awhile back. Perhaps this is the cause, but she tends to lie, so we don't yet know for sure. She was moody the next morning because she was so tired, and I could handle that. That's normal. Later, she went to her grandma's again, so she could take her to see her mom this weekend. She told her grandma she was sorry that she was grumpy with me this morning, and her grandma asked if she hit me, and she said no, that she wasn't going to do that again. Tomorrow, she, her dad, and I are all sitting down to discuss everything (her behavior, my role, our feelings, etc.) and hopefully that will clear everything up. I would like to be optimistic, but every time I am, something bad happens. But I would really like this to work out.
_______________________________________________
Just some clarification and an update: Her father and I have been living together for about three years now, so it's not like I'm suddenly in her life. We are in a committed relationship and do not believe we need a piece of paper to say so. Her dad and I have talked to her about my role in the household. We have rules printed up and posted, rules the three of us made together. I spend the most time with her because of her dad's work shift, which he is now going to try to get changed, so he can be home with her more. She has a therapist, and all of us (therapist, dad, me) have talked to her about her behavior and how it is unacceptable, and she always promises not to behave that way again, but always breaks her promises. She has been taught anger management techniques, and I let her walk away if she has to, but she usually chooses not to. She'd rather try to provoke a fight. After her fit yesterday, her dad came home from work and took things out of her room. She was not at our house last night and does not know this yet. I told him that I cannot be alone with her until something changes, and he agreed. He does support me 100% and does his best to control her, but she only acts this way when he is not there. So, he is going to try to make sure he is there.
I agree that she's testing to see if you will love her no matter what. It'd dumb, but kids do this.
A great book is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It teaches how to give kids better skills to deal with their problems (and their tempers). Kids will use other tools once they learn them. He also has a website http://www.livesinthebalance.org/
I had a foster daughter for the better part of a year who had some similar issues. The poor kid desperately wanted a mother who cared, and simultaneously made it impossible to care. I believe she was afraid to love and need me, because she expected to be treated badly. She was in real pain, and regular group counseling sessions didn't get us too far. A lot of water had passed beneath her emotional bridges, and then she started burning them. I think individual counseling might have helped, but that was out of our reach financially.
I hope you'll try connecting with her by way of the techniques offered in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. I wish I had had such a clear outline and set of techniques when I was foster-parenting. The authors teach you ways of empathizing with the legitimate needs of the child, while holding your own equally legitimate needs clearly in view. I think this might help, although the turn-arounds I've seen in families who have used this approach have generally been with somewhat younger kids.
I wish you all the best. This is a brave thing you are trying to do.
Ignore Denise S. DO NOT waste the time of the police because a 9 year old is disrespectful. IF you were to call the police because a 9 yr old child is not behaving you will be charged with filing a false police report.
You and her father need to sit down and have a conversation about expectations and consequences for her behavior good and bad.
This is not to hurt you, but remember, you are only his girlfriend. You are not her stepmother.
There are a lot of issues that go with this situation. Even though her mother did not treat her well, she was still her mother. She will always love her and feel a need to always be on her mothers side.
So you and your boyfriend need to make a list. Suggestions...
No screaming, ever.
No yelling, ever.
No hitting kicking, nothing physical. Big girls do not behave this way.
If she is upset, she need to use her words. Otherwise she needs to have some quiet time till she feels better,. That may need to be her room. Maybe listen to music, read a book or write in a journal.. maybe take a nap.. her choice.
When you act as expected, you will be treated as a big girl. You will be rewarded wit being able to invite friends over, going to do special things.
Her list of chores include. No clothing on the floor. Toys and books placed in their proper places before she moves onto a new activity.
In public shared areas, each person is responsible for putting away the items they use.
Dirty clothes should be placed... wherever you all place them.
She can remove the clothing from the dryer and fold them and place them in the correct bedrooms.
Each evening she should help set the table and clear the table, rinse and place the dishes in the dishwasher. On the nights she helps cook, she can wash the pots and pans and someone else can set and clear the table..
The words , please and thank you should be used by each of you for all transactions.. It will become a normal part of your regular vernacular in conversations.
Daughters number one priority is her education. Trying her best and making good grades should be praised. You do not need to correct her homework, her teacher should be able to look and tell what the child is having problems with.. IF daughter WANTS you to check and then she correct the homework, great, if not.. then leave it alone. just make sure it is completed.. I did this with our daughter and she did not like for me to correct her work.. So I left it alone..
Let her know she is only allowed to go outside with your permission and once her homework and chores have been completed.
She is always to speak with you and her father with a normal tone.. No whining, no smart mouth. If she does not do this, she needs to go to her room and look for her "regular respectful voice. "
Divorce is very painful. I am almost 50 and I still get that feeling as though it was just yesterday. She is a child. She is not living with her mom. She is now living with a non relative and her father, not in her own home.. She probably has lots of feelings and believe me they are not pretty or nice. With these feelings comes a lot of guilt on her part and anger for this girl.It makes you feel like you are a bad person
. She needs a safe place and person to share this with, consider a therapist for her..
I am sending you strength.. Try to remember she may act like a terror, but she is a hurt and lonely child deep underneath there..
As her father's girlfriend, you absolutely should NOT be punishing her.
Stick to the role of her friend, and be her "mom," as she wants, in all ways EXCEPT discipline. You will find that works much better.
Let her teachers deal with her schoolwork. If you see her homework, point out what she does right, not what she does wrong. You are dealing with a kid who doesn't even have a proper mother -- it's not surprising she is acting out.
Only positive interaction from now on.
What a difficult situation! I would step back and let her dad handle this. Tell him exactly what you've told us. Tell him that he needs to get her under control. He needs to lay down the rules for her. Period. Discuss with your boyfriend what the guidelines are. Make sure he tells her. He needs to let her know that in no uncertain terms, if she disobeys, she will reap the penalties from him. He needs to stand up to her and support you 100%. I imagine there is guilt on every side of the equation, and nobody feels like they can discipline her. And, she knows it. She is ruling that roost. If you want it to change, you have to make changes. She won't all of a sudden become nice. She will get worse as she gets older. She's only 9. Yikes. It sounds like you are living with them. He is your boyfriend, not your husband. I think the girl is confused (rightly so), and is trying to gain some sort of control in her life. I don't think you should be living there if you are. It's bad for her and for you. When and if you are ever his wife or her step mom, then you can move in and take the role of step mom in her life.
Just off the top of my head I would wait until dad gets home and strip her room of everything but bed pillow and blankets. Maybe a few books and make her earn back her belongings and if she chooses not to oh well she can sit and read all day everyday. She can earn her privilages back by doing chores and doing things consistantly. If I think of anything else I'll let you know. I remember being the girlfriend it's hard. Good luck
I have to disagree with you not punishing her. It's no different than school or dayare. A 9 year old can not run the show. If you are being left in charge of her it is your duty to help make her into a productive young adult. Like I said though I do think this is something that dad is involved in and he an just say that it is his decision and if he comes home and sees that something isn't done that should be or something is done that shouldn't have been then the punishment will continue. that gives you the leverage of when dad gets home you guys will talk about how she was that day and decide as a family if her actions were appropriate.
If you nip this in the bud now it will show her that no matter who you are adults in the home are to be treated with the same respect. It doesn't matter if your girlfriend, step mom or just the babysitter. Bounderies need to be taught.
I think she's testing you to see when you'll leave her too.
Her parents divorced and her father left.
When things got tough her mother "gave her away".
When things get tough, will you leave too?
She's loving and sweet and tells you she loves you, then you try to discipline or help with homework and she turns on you. She's testing you.
When you walk away from her and she gets violent, it's because she is scared.
You are in a commited relationship with her father, make sure she knows you are there for her too. Family counseling will do wonders for this situation.
God Bless and I hope things start to turn around for all of you.
This child needs counseling. She's at a very dangerous intersection. Family counseling would be ideal.
"Parenting with love and Logic" Cline & Fay
In today's day and age, married or not, if you are living together and raising his daughter together and you are just as responsible as her father for all aspects of raising her. Together you need to come up with a plan on how to handle the situation and the two of you need to back eachother up. Sounds like she is testing you to the extreme. She knows what she wants and she has told you but her defenses are up and she is probably reacting the way she has learned from her past environment. She needs help and hopefully counseling will be enough. But on the other hand, if that means asking for police help when she becomes physical, that is not a false police report. Any officer you speak to will probably tell you that they would rather help you get her the help she needs now than spend hours doing paperwork on her in 6 years when she has commited some crime.
My SO is who gets my kids out to the bus in morning and off the bus in the afternoon. He works from home so it just works out for us but it means that he is in charge of homework, chores, and discipline. My kids know that he loves them and that his word is just as final as mine is. If I disagree with how a situation was handled then I discuss it with him but never in front of the kids. We do not fight, we have both been there and done that and have decided that we would not make the same mistakes now that we have in past relationships. He and I have a much more healthy relationship and household then I ever did with my exhusband. My kids know their dad and spend time with them and know that my SO is their "step-dad" but when they discuss their life, it is always my SO that they insert into the "dad" spot because he earned it.
I think that you should talk to your boyfriend before you do this and that he understands that if she hurts you again you will call the police. I think that having an officer come in and talk to her and maybe even take her to juvi for a couple of hours for her to cool off as well as for her to see other kids there that might scare her or even talk to her about how good she has it and why is she acting the way she is might just be what she needs. She might just need some tuff love.
I feel sorry for you because you are the one that she is hitting and hurting.
Seek Counseling now.
She is trying to see if you will give up and leave her too. You need family counseling.
You need to be consistant in your discipline and follow through if she becomes violent the consquences become more firm. It is hard - very painful. Please seek the advice of a trained counselor. You will both (all three) feel better.
maybe try not being in the same room alone with her, let dad punish her, ask dad to be there with you any time you are going to confront her? i agree with amy she's probably got some MAJOR anger issues about her entire situation. something i do with my kids is once a week, i give them amesty, this is their time to tell me exactly what they are doing and how they feel about things they cannot control without getting in trouble it caused them to open up A LOT, more than i expected.
i know i can say if any child no matter how old decides they want to try to lay a hand on me and use physical anger, i'd bring them to the floor and hold them there until they are finished..not a perfered way, and from my understanding law can't touch you if it's self protection, and that's the point it's almost at??
maybe straight up just completely ignore her, when she asks you if she can do or have something...just tell her to go ask her dad. i don't give my step daughter's permission for SQUAT i don't punish them, if punishment involves me, their dad will tell them first what's going to happen then i'll follow through...somehow we still enforce that they will respect me as "mother of our household"
It sounds to me that she needs a thorough mental health evaluation and a good therapist. This is doesn't sound like typical 9 year old behavior! And especially if there's physical violence involved. I know this might sound harsh, but maybe calling the police-since she's definitely a danger to you!-when she has the next outburst might be in order. They couyld take her to a pediatric psychiatric facility. You=and others-MUST be safe!! Good luck! .
