Overly Possessive Friend

Hi, Sally:

I suggest that you invite the 3 over and have a circle conversation
about the issue:

Ask Kay these questions:
1. What happened? (State the issue)
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

Then ask the 2 girls one at a time, these questions:
1.What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

The girls will come up with their own solutions.

Good luck.
D.

There is the undeniable 'power of the dyad'; that is to say, it's very common for threesomes of girls to be problematic. I think that inviting the girls over separately is a great idea. Kay may also have a personality which leans toward introversion and eschews the 'group' because introverts tend to thrive on 'one on one' type interaction. Groups do not meet the introvert's needs and tend to wear them out. Thus, Kay may be getting frustrated if her needs aren't met.

I think your job is going to be supporting your daughter, reflecting the situation back to her, and teaching her how to be a good friend to both the girls while also making good boundaries about NOT being responsible for Kay's happiness. Awkward, but being an introvert myself, learning to 'share' friends with larger groups was not an easy task. I've gotten comfortable with this as an adult, but at 10? Not so much!

Ya know, this is Kay's problem.
Your daughter is fine.
But Kay is making it your DD's problem.
They are so young.
But this even happens with adults.
And it happens in every darn grade level and age, even from Kindergarten to college and into adulthood.
And hopefully by then, a person learns how to manage other icky personalities and disengage from harmful friends like that. Or at least speak UP to, friends like that.

I work at an elementary school.
I see this.
But not with all kids.
Why?
Because not all kids, put up with it.

And some kids act "possessive" because they want attention/are controlling/are whatever, per their personality.
BUT, it is "wrong" when it, usurps and infringes on other kid's, lives and activities and happiness and normalcy.
Some kids, like Kay... create a TON of STRESS, upon the other kids.
I see it, at the school I work at. Some kids even cry, about it. They tell me. And I tell the offending girl... YOU CANNOT CONTROL who others play with. That is NOT NICE. She can play with who she wants. And you can, too. Learn how to be a friend and nice classmate... look how unhappy she is because you are PRESSURING her. Stop it now. It is not nice. Pressuring someone is inappropriate....
I tell the kids, that. And they "blink" at look at me as though it is like a light-bulb that finally turned on. And they say "oh, so I don't have to do what she says?" And I say, NO. She is not your boss, nor your Mommy, nor your Teacher.

A kid, can be a "social worker" for kids like that and just give in or put up with and try to be nice etc. and all that. But, at the same time, I don't believe that a kid HAS TO, sacrifice their own choice of friends, because of a possessive and territorial other friend. Adults don't like that either if that happens to them.
And, when you suggest that the kids should ALL play together. Well, it doesn't work... that way. Because, the possessive/territorial kid... will NOT like it. So there will STILL BE, conflict and trouble... upon the one kid... that they are trying to control and possess. And yes, the "Kay" type kids... WILL ALWAYS BE MAD, at something, with the one friend they are trying to control.
And NO, not all kids have to be... together ALL the time.
AND also... friends, OFTEN will outgrow each other, too.
Even for adults, this happens. And then, it is your right... to move on.
In a pleasant manner, hopefully.
But some possessive/territorial type "friends" will NOT like that.
But too bad.
A friend, that is SO possessive and controlling, is not, a friend.
They are treating people like objects... for their own, satisfaction.
It is not benevolent at all nor nice.

Once, my daughter told me about a classmate. "Sally." Well, Sally, ALL YEAR ROUND, HAD TO PLAY WITH ONLY ONE GIRL. Why? Because that one girl "Tessa"... was possessive of her. Tessa told Sally "you can't play with anyone else, only me...." And Tessa would get mad... if Sally played with others or did other things that Tessa did not want to do. And Sally... complied. Why? Because, it was too much hassle, for her to just do what she wanted apart from Tessa. So ALL year round, Sally was bound to Tessa. Really sad. In this case, it was also like Bullying. Sure, Sally felt bad for Tessa... didn't want to hurt her feelings etc. and tried to be nice like all kids are taught. BUT, a kid should not have to be a "social worker" for another person who is monopolizing them. After all, a kid... is not professionally trained to deal with... social dysfunctions in another kid. And some girls are just, mean. You should not have to, be friends with a kid like that. This happened in 4th grade, when my daughter told me this. And my daughter said "Well its Sally's fault too... because she allows it... she doesn't know how to stick up for herself....and she just does what Tessa tells her, she doesn't want to get left out or other girls talking about her...."
And, when other girls tried doing that to my daughter, she just says NO you can't make me, I don't want to.

What is the line... ? Meaning, do you make your kiddo play with everyone just to be nice and they should because what if that kid is insecure and has issues we don't know about, blah blah blah. Or... do you teach your child, that there are boundaries and being aware of how to choose friends and that, there are certain pressures from friends that you do NOT have to, comply with, just to keep the peace????

At a certain point... a kid, needs to learn how to stick up for themselves and choose friends. And, also HOW TO DISCERN... when a "friend" is not appropriate... and how, to then move on.
Friends do not have to be attached at the hip.
And people often have different circles of friends. Even adults do.
And its okay.

Everyone, has their limit. With situations. AND when a person's limit for handling something... gets too much, then a child needs to learn, "when" to know it and say it and disengage. Despite "pressure" from another kid.
Because, especially from 5th grade and older... friend "pressures" and other social pressures, increases. SO... teach your daughter this. Kids need to also learn how not to, give in to pressure... from friends or other things. And to know what is appropriate or inappropriate for themselves, and to know, their limit of what they can handle or not.
A kid, NEEDS TO LEARN how to disengage from "pressures" from friends and social situations.

I never taught my kids the "be nice to everyone despite" thing. Meaning, IF the other person is harming them or being mean or pressuring them for something they are not comfortable with nor happy about and it just doesn't feel right... they do NOT have to, comply. Because, as a kid gets older, especially from middle school onto high school, friend pressures and classmate pressures and what not, will increase. And a kid needs to learn their limits and boundaries and how to disengage and not give-in, to "pressures." And that, it is okay.

Another way to look at it:
The "Kay" type friends, have NO problem telling kids like your daughter about what THEY want and controlling them and they don't think twice about if they are hurting another's feelings or stressing them out. But then the other friend, like your daughter, may not stand up to the "Kay" types.... because they don't want to be "rude" or hurt their feelings or be impolite or get "Kay" mad. Well, so then, the vicious cycle, continues. And the Kay type friends will always push their friends around because they are possessive and territorial. And they don't care if they are usurping the happiness of their friend or taking away their other friends.
At a certain point, your daughter needs to... be direct and just speak up, to "Kay."

No suggestions other than to accept that this is pretty typical behavior for girls, and often continues well into the teen years. For whatever reason many girls like to pair up, and have a harder time playing in groups, especially threesomes. That's why I think team sports and other all girl group activities (like Girl Scouts) are good for girls, it forces them outside their comfort zones and makes them work together. Boys don't usually have this problem. Just keep encouraging your daughter like you are.

When I was that age, my parents sometimes had to remind me not to be so abrupt with my friends. I had no problem voicing my opinion; they knew when I liked something and when I didn't. Maybe your daughter can learn now to start telling the girl when she is being too possessive and explaining that she can have more than one friend. It might not come out as cool and collected as it might be from you, the adult, but she can get her point across. Just be matter-of-fact with the girl, and keep it moving.

So. Or map. They have to work it out themselves.

Run now! My youngest is turning 10 the end of the month & it's gotten so much different since my almost 16 year old was that age. We just had her annual harvest festival & it was like the girls had to choose one over the other. I really don't remember this going on until I was in the upper grades and when it did, it truly didn't matter because by then the person who was making the demands was usually the one that became the one left out.

I would speak with your daughter and just reassure her that in life you may hurt other people's feeling to spare your own, but what Kay is doing is not right. I think we've all had a friend like Kay and have ultimately had to tell her to hit the bricks in not such a nice way because from what I've seen now from the behaviors displayed by my daughter's "friends" is the whole making up lies to turn each other against one another has hit a new level , holding things that have been told in confidence against one another is usually the first weapon & the list goes on. But if your daughter and her friends are all aware of Kay's behavior then they should all be able to get through this w/out a scratch. Best of luck to all of you.

Oh dear, we have been through this in our house!! The only difference was, the possessive friend is BFF, not Kay. My daughter also began to widen her social circle and BFF had a hard time with that. It was rough for a couple of years. I tried to intervene - to help them in some way. But really what I learned was that the girls need to figure it out for themselves. I really can't be involved, except to offer advice when asked and to sympathize. The girls are now 12 and they are definitely not BFF's any longer. At first it made me sad, but once I realized my daughter is OK then I had to move on too! The girls are still somewhat friendly and often hang out in the same circles. They just aren't attached at the hip anymore. Good luck. I know this type of thing is tough!

Totally agree with Mamazita!

Mamazita is being nice. This type behavior goes beyoned the teen years. I have that ossessive gene. I constantly strive to pray it away!