How to Deal with Girls Who Think They Own Each Other (Tween Drama)

How well do you know the moms of the other girls? Would you feel comfortable talking with them alone and discussing the problem and coming to a consensus on how to best handle it? Because my thought is, get on the same page, present a united front, and basically tell these girls to knock it off. Let them know that this kind of drama will not be tolerated and they need to behave better if they want to remain friends and be able to do things together.

For goodness sakes, they are too old for playdates! I can't believe that at age 10, their mommies are still scheduling playdates! That would be exhausting!

Buy, read, and give her the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees."

And then stay out of it.

work with your daughter only on appropriate responses, boundaries, and how for her NOT to be the Mean Girl.
the other girls are none of your business, nor is it yours to deal with.
your job as a parent is to teach your kids how to deal with their peers effectively.
khairete
S.

My daughter went through something similar last year. Since the majority of the drama happened at school, I asked the school social worker to handle it, which upset one of the other moms (too bad, so sad). Social worker worked with all three girls to resolve this issue. It got better, but was by no means perfect. I was never so glad for summer vacation! All 3 girls are in 5th grade this year and I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I wouldn't be keeping anything "secret". I encouraged my daughter to find another group of friends because true friends don't act that way. She did over the summer, but she's back with the same group this year.

I hear ya Sally! I have 7th grade and 4th grade girls. One time I tried to work some stuff out with one of the moms (she's an acquaintance/neighbor of mine). It did not go over very well. Another time I tried to work things out with a mom who also happened to be a very close friend of mine. It didn't go well there either. I like Suz's advice, and it'll be mine as well - just talk to your own daughter about how to handle this drama. Then move on. Trust me, I KNOW it's hard. My most recent bit of drama? My older daughter was invited to a birthday party where every other girl was invited to sleepover, except for mine. Made me sick. I wanted to call that mother and ask her how she could possibly let that happen. I didn't do it. I'll admit, I'm still tempted. But believe it or not, it was my daughter who shrugged it off. She's a better person than I am. Good luck getting through these years!! UGH!

Are you really having "play dates" at this age? Wouldn't they be just hanging out, possibly in a group anyway?

I would explain to your daughter that you can have and socialize with many friends while still having a BFF. Remind her of the behavior you expect from her. I would not do anything in "secret".

Stay out of her life. Let them figure things out. Play dates in 5 th grade. Don't girls just hang out together at that age?

We had this problem too in our old neighborhood. Dont get involved unless of course inappropriate things are being said or done. They will figure it out. Girls fight and very dramatic, just the way it is for them. I agree with Patty K, let them deal with it on their own.

Let them work it out. Stay out of it.

Time to branch out, join some sport or activity and widen your daughter's social circle.
Some friends who are not psychotic possessive would be a good thing.
Quit feeding into it by keeping things secret.
If people are going to have hissy fits - let them.
They need to learn what they can control and that's not you and your daughter.

Secret play dates? All you are teaching these girls is that it's ok to be less than honest then it's in their benefit to do so. Stop supporting being sneaky and instead work with the other parents to teach these young ladies that they don't have to participate in every single activity in each other's lives to be happy.

When you say "done in secret", you mean that you - as an adult - are supporting these "secrets"?! Who are you the adult keeping secrets from?!

Stay out of it. If your DD wants to keep secrets, that's her business. But you should not support that stuff.

My mom used to tell us, "if you cannot play nice with each other, I will not let you play together at all.
My mom never made a false threat in her life, so I knew to either cut it out, or quit hanging out with these girls.

In reality, they need to figure it out. You can say, "I do not want to hear about this any more. If you want my help ask."

Or , "if you need some suggestions ask or else, quit complaining about each other. "

Your daughter is old enough to hear true examples from your end life.

Do you have a best friend? Do you have a few really good friends? Friends for / from different parts f your life? Really good neighbor friend, then the college best friend, your church buddy friend, your work out friend, your at work friend, your husband? And yet you can all get together and all get along. You can visit with one and no one gets upset...

Explain th to your daughter and remind her, she does not own anyone's friendships, and no one owns hers.

It is better for all of them to try to get along, because some day, she maybe the odd one out, and that is not a good feeling.

Teach your child to stand up for herself, if she's having a problem with that (best way is role-playing), and other than that, stay out of it.

Teach your child to stand up for herself. "I want to play with Sharon today." If the other girl says, "Well, then WE can't be friends" you can tell your daughter that means she and Ms. Posessive weren't good friends to start. I wouldn't encourage secrets. Be open or don't play.

If I saw MY child being posessive of a friend's time, I'd take her aside, because that is not how I want my child to behave. She has many friends. Her friend has many friends. Not everybody can play all the time.

But don't micromanage it. She does need to learn it herself and the whole business of who is/isn't friends with who in MS is mind numbing.

I generally stay out of teen girl drama.

I would probably have handled it the way you did. And yes, "playdates" are set up still at this age both because many time they can't get themselves where they need to go by themselves and everyone is so scheduled you almost have to do that to have the kids get together outside of school (though the "playdate" is usually just "Can so-and-so come over after school on Friday?").

I would only become as involved as helping my daughter learn how to handle the situation and having discussions with her about what makes a good friend. If the playground drama gets too out of hand I would have the counselor at the school help out - that's what he is there for and I'm sure has dealt with that sort of situation before.