Parent-teacher Conference Fallout and Keeping 3Rd Grader on Task

JB, are the kids allowed to/have access to noise-reducing headphones? Our son's second grade class has a basket of them for kids to use when they choose to help them focus. Here's a link to the kind they have in Kiddo's classroom; they are about $10 per unit.

http://www.especialneeds.com/speech-communication-auditor...

My son's class also allows the kids to use folders/notebooks to make sort of makeshift study carrells to limit visual distractions. Kiddo has eye issues and visual distractions can throw him. (We often do homework with the curtains closed-- even what's going on outside is too much distraction.)

Those are the only suggestions I'd have. I like your list. Think that would be a good method for him to just double-check his work before moving on to the next thing. Hopefully the teacher will also notice when things are complete and give lots of positive feedback. "I noticed that you remembered everything you needed to do." Good luck!

The "rework" doesn't sound like it takes much time. Just tell him not to agonize over it but to quickly do it, and that over time he will learn to remember these small details. (Or, come up with a checklist. I must say that it's common for kids to forget these small details, even through middle school.)

I think you should tell him that he doesn't have to share his supplies if he doesn't want to. Tell him to say, "Sorry, no." The kids can be responsible for their own supplies, or the teacher. It won't hurt them to learn how to be responsible for their own supplies; I've had dozens of kids in middle school classrooms who still weren't able to show up to class with pencil and paper, and I would have appreciated someone teaching them to do it earlier in their school careers. So your son doesn't have to enable other students who can't be bothered to obtain their own supplies.

I agree that he's probably frustrated by the noise and he gets distracted because he's so focused if it's quiet. I think a simple index card (stronger than a piece of paper, and already lined) maybe with "date" and "underline work" and "tally box" would be fine. Or maybe "check your work before turning it in." Whatever key phrases the teacher uses would be great. Any quick printer can laminate it but maybe the teacher can too (I'm sure there's a laminating machine in the teacher's room). That would help get his teacher and him on the same team. Then she and he can tape it to his desk. You can easily remake it when one category is successfully dealt with for 3 weeks. Don't put everything on it - just the 4 or 5 major problems so he can be successful quickly. Since he's so organized, an index card in a color or with a border he draws (anything to make it his own) will really stand out.

Try to get him to think of it empowering him rather than punishing or listing his shortcomings. Remind him that teachers write the assignments on the board and send home flyers and write out instructions for all students and for their parents. No one has a perfect memory.

I think you are on the right track with the check list. That's exactly what I was thinking.

I wish someone had helped me with things like that. I was never an organized person, and I sometimes wish people had helped me notice little things I could do that would have made a big difference. I'm still not organized, but I am soooo much better than I was as a child. But it took me years of struggling to learn just a few tricks.

Keep helping him tell you about his struggles so you can brainstorm with him and find some solutions together.

If he is constantly bothered by other kids, you might ask for a quiet spot in the room for him to focus on his rework or at least relay this to the teacher that he needs fewer distractions and that he was very upset and says he's trying his hardest. If the checklist and any possible classroom modifications (like no borrowing pencils from him) don't help, you may have to delve deeper.

I think your bookmark/card check list for him is a great one!

Just wanted to add, I often use clear contact paper to 'laminate' things for my kids. All the sign cards we use for shannon are contact papered over - a picture of the sign on one side, the word for the sign on the other. Works like a charm!

Best!

A small checklist is a great idea!
Or you could think of an acronym for his check list that he can remember in his head:

Name
Date
Underline
Show work
Punctuation

"Never Date Unruly Soccer Players"

(Not the greatest, but I'm sure you could think of something better!)

I think your check list is a great idea.

My 7th grader has the same issues your 8 year old is having. How hard is it to remember to put your name on a paper???? His teacher sounds really picky to me for a 3rd grade teacher.

I may even steal your bookmark checklist idea!!

M

Perhaps asking the teacher to make a permanent poster with a list of required things that she could put on the wall would help all the students.

She definitely is the one to address this with him. She has to get him to do this her way and she needs to work with him on this.

Having him redo the work while in class is excellent. This teaches him right away what he forgot to do.

Having to stay in at recess time to redo the work is a perfect natural consequence and he'll learn more from her doing this in class than anything at home will do. She is doing a very good job with him.

As I was reading, I was thinking that a simple checklist at his desk should help. Great minds think alike! LOL!

I wouldn't make it anything big - just get a small paper that he can either keep in his desk to refer to or tape on top of his desk so before he turns in his assignment, he can check to make sure he's not forgotten anything. It is hard to make sure you have all the details seen to when you are constantly interrupted. Interruptions cause you to lose your train of thought and that could be why he's missing the little details.

Sounds like the key is to get him to stop being upset. I like how you realize he needs to do the stuff and aren't trying to let him get around it or blame other people as an excuse. These little details are what school is there to PRACTICE because it is difficult to keep on task and remember everything. My 3rd grader isn't as easy to upset or orderly, and she's a great student, but she misses those little details OFTEN. I see the little circles and marks of little things she missed all over her assignments. That's what school is for, to PRACTICE being detail oriented. So a lot of this will just take time and practice, and he needs to not be angry about it. And like you said, few of us have pristine, silent workspaces in life, so we need PRACTICE at tuning out stuff and concentrating. Plus, I doubt the teacher lets everyone go nuts, and the work environment is probably a nice human average level.

The list idea seems hard, because he could still miss details that are not on his checklist. It seems more like he needs to stop and review each singular page or task once he feels he has completed it. ONE LAST PROOF for every little thing. That's a great habit anyway. But the list is also fine, and maybe even a little poem he can have in his head to remind him what to check for. Like if you can make a word out of the first letters of the checklist so he can say the word and check for those things...but he also needs to review whatever he's done. And relax. And stay positive.

I'm creative with a pretty big touch of ADD if I got "tested" I'm sure. It's always been REALLY hard for me to stay focused and stay on task. School was hard for that reason, but I had to just check, check, and re-check my work. Same when I had jobs.

He already sounds way ahead of the game in being a great, organized student!

Please DO have him help you make the list you want to try. Pulling one from the Internet means he isn't as involved and he truly will benefit from being involved personally. He will remember what HE helps to write much better than he will care about some list from a web site. And he will have more ownership of that list and more care for what's on it.

One thing to note: What if he loses the list? Or will you possibly go to the school with him and have him tape it inside his desk so it won't get lost? If he loses it, that will add to his stress, so please don't say you'll have to punish him if the list gets lost. That only would put more pressure on him, when your intention is to reduce pressure by giving him this tool. Please don't put it on top of the desk since that will draw other kids' curiosity about it and make them pepper him with questions. Inside the desk, taped, would be great. But ask the teacher -- you don't want him looking inside his desk at the end of a test and being accused of cheating by looking at materials in there.

He sounds just like my daughter in about grades 3-5. In fifth grade especially she had a class with other kids who constantly wanted to borrow her supplies and she didn't want to say no because she wanted to be helpful, but inside it drove her crazy. And one kid broke more than one of her pencil sharpeners, etc. She also had a more disruptive set of classmates that year than other years. It turned out the school had placed the more disruptive, immature kids in the same room on purpose because it was believed this teacher could deal with them better, and she did OK, but in retrospect it was tough on the "rule-follower" kids in that class. Is there a chance that your son's teacher has intentionally been given specific students so she can straighten them out, but kids like your son (and my daughter) are paying a price she does not see? She needs to know.

Does the teacher know that your son feels the other students are disruptive? She can't see everything that happens between kids, so if others are asking him questions a lot, she needs to know that's going on.

If they are borrowing his stuff excessively -- and frankly after my kid's experience, I believe it when your son says this goes on -- does the teacher know that's going on?

Does the teacher know that your son feels overwhelmed by noise and interruptions?

She really does need to know. Yes, your son may be more sensitive to these things than other kids, but if she (or you, or any adult) dismisses his very real upset as just "You're being oversensitive," then he won't get any help. Part of that help does indeed need to involve the teacher moving him to another location in the room and/or moving other kids who are disruptive. While you can't tell her to move anyone, you can emphasize that your son's distress is daily, and is getting worse and not better as the year progresses; and that you believe what she sees as lack of attention to detail may, in part, be caused by his being distracted by noise, questions, and worries that other kids will want his stuff.

If she isn't aware of the constant borrowing, she needs to be, and you and your son -- yes, he needs to be there doing the asking after you and he practice it -- need to ask the teacher if she would consider banning borrowing. I've seen teachers do it. She should NOT single him out! She must not say "No one can borrow from Bobby, it bugs him" but should say "Startring today, if you do not have your supplies you have to cope for that day, and come see me if you lack a pencil or sharpener or colored pencil. But from now on, no borrowing from classmates." As a general rule for everyone and without singling out your son.

She may say no to that. Fine. Then you need to role play with your son how to say no firmly to classmates when they ask to borrow stuff. I had to do that with my daughter and had to remind her over and over that she did not have to say yes to be nice or to be friendly. Give him specific words to use: "Sorry but I'm not lending this sharpener. There's one over there on the wall." When a kid wants his ruler: "There are rulers in the drawer over there." And so on. Most classrooms have supplies but kids would rather just turn to the kid next to them (or to the kid whom they have identified, frankly, as the easy mark who lets them borrow stuff). He needs to direct kids to those supplies and then turn away and be too busy to talk again. Same with kids who interrupt if he's doing classwork: "Hey, we can't talk now, I"m working." Then head down and no further reply. It's hard to teach especially as early as third but it is doable IF you practice a lot and the teacher is made aware that he seems to be the one kids keep talking to.

You mention he "always has extras to share" -- stop that. No more extras so he can say, "Sorry I don't have any more here, just the one I'm using."

And of course he is responsible for the many tiny omissions that are making his work into "rework." Being interrupted and having stuff borrowed don't excuse that but they do make it likelier he can't focus. Be sure the teacher knows you, and he, accept that only he makes those errors and that distraction isn't an excuse, but also be clear that you want to work with her on reducing this stress he feels about the other kids. If he's a born rule-follower and lover of order like my child, it IS very stressful if the classroom has a high proportion of kids who are more scattered, disruptive, borrowers, never ready, always asking for help or materials or asking what the directions were. We've been there and I really feel for you and your son.

I would strongly, strongly recommend that you get the school counselor involved now, too. Don't wait. Talk to the counselor, just you alone, about your son and his sensitivity to other kids' busyness and unpreparedness. Ask if the counselor can meet with him to talk about ways he can handle that better, scripts he can use, etc. He will encounter this again and again during his school life so getting him some role-playing help, and having a counselor who knows kids of all types working with him, could help him learn to cope better.

My daughter's third grade teacher created a small checklist, laminated with a hole punch and a ribbon through it and she kept it on her backpack to remind her to write in her planner, bring her books home, etc. Something similar for his classwork would be great. He can maybe even tape it to his desk.

If he's making mistakes, particularly on tests, because he's rushing see if the teacher will allow a small timer to be placed on his desk. We did that for my son at that age, he wasn't allowed to turn in the work till the timer was done and since he couldn't do anything else while he waited he went over his work - mistakes reduced drastically in a very short time period.

I remember as a kid helping my mom get her classroom ready for the school year (she taught anywhere from 4th to 7th grades over the years). She had an in-box where the kids would turn in their work, and above that she had two laminated examples, one for science/math papers, and one for language arts/history papers. On either one, she had written in big red marker things that HAD to be on the paper, such as name, date, assignment name, answers circled (for math/science), and so on. She also had a rule that kids HAD TO put their pencils down after they were done working, and spend at least one minute reviewing their paper (they weren't allowed to just walk straight up and turn in the paper immediately). She wanted them to get into the habit of reviewing their papers prior to turning them in.

Is that something the whole class could benefit from? If the teacher doesn't think so, then sure, maybe you could create your own little 3x5 laminated checklist for him with the important information on it.

Also, I would request that he be moved to sit right in front of the teacher. That will help eliminate the constant requests to borrow school supplies, talking to him, etc. Some kids DO need a quiet space in which to work (my oldest certainly does; it drives her nuts when other kids are goofing off, disorganized, etc). I know it's fashionable for teachers to group kids so their desks are all pushed together (with the idea that they should all work together on everything? I have no idea), but that model doesn't work for all kids. Some kids are driven to distraction by it - so if the classroom is organized that way, I'd ask to have him moved so he's not in a group when he's doing most of his seatwork. He will probably be happier being left alone to do his work.

Have you ever considered that he has a sensory disorder? I think the initial reaction for parents is that our kids just need to try harder. When he told you he is trying his hardest, maybe he really is and just can't keep it together. I would consider a therapy appointment with someone who specializes in processing disorders.

My son had one in grade two. The teacher made it based on the things my son would forget to do.

We have our kids in Kumon. This is a program outside of school. Its for reading comprehension and math. We started them in June. Its slot of commiment on my part since I have to grade the packets. It is defintely helping them with school. They argued about it at first. However now they are going much better. Good luck.