Parent Seeking Help with 16 Month Old Disipline Issues

I have the same problems with my 15 month old and she is also an only child. Diaper Changing is a nightmare!!! She always wants her own way and I have to fight her to get her to do anything or not do anything. Let me know of any tricks you might learn, PLEASE!!!
Thanks and Good Luck
B.

If you're planning on having another that might be the ticket! Also, get him around some other babies his age, cousins etc. so he learns to share and have those experiences.

Time to give him choices. My daughter is an extremely independent 16 month old. She does tons better when I let her pick between 2 things instead of just treating her like a doll.

Also, when I'm changing her diaper, I give her a binky or a toy to play with and then I sing her a song that has her name in it while I'm changing her. She really likes it.

M.,
Very very normal phase. I agree with many of the responses....great time for LOVE AND LOGIC. It is all about choices. Little choices thru the day. My dtr is 20 mo and she was refusing a bib....I give her a choice of which one now and she picks one and on we go. Little things like that help. There are some other great advice pieces already so I won't add more.

Something that I found tremendously helpful with the challenges of young children was reading about what is developmentally normal for children of that age. The series of short books by Louise Bates Ames is quite nice, although I don't *always* agree with the parenting advice she gives. The information is very reassuring. Her book on one year olds is called "Your One-Year-Old: The Fun-Loving, Fussy 12-To 24-Month-Old". It's available at most libraries and any big book store. I'd recommend it. Making parenting decisions from a better informed position can really reduce frustration for both moms and kids.

it's part of his age. your next child may behave similarly at the same age. the term "terrible twos" appropriately fit both my boys by about 18 months. stay firm with your rules and give him a few choices. he needs to feel freedom to choose, yet know that he has limits. and make sure that you are taking time to do something you enjoy every day to calm your frustration, because it can really build up.

I just completed a bible study with some friends, and we studied the book, "Sheparding a childs heart". This book has been a blessing. I have 3 kids, 10, 8, 5. I wish I had read it eariler. Good Luck!

I have a 16 month old girl going through the exact same stage. From my memory of raising my two older girls (now 6 and 4)and my research, this is the stage where they are trying to figure out and establish their autonomy (so your son is completely normal...). I am trying to get through this stage all over again, but if memory serves, right around 2 things got much easier. One of the things that really seems to help right now is giving my daughter lots of benign choices to make. Although she doesn't talk much, she understands almost everything that I say to her. When I'm getting her dressed in the morning I'll hold up two outfits and ask her which one she wants to wear. When I'm changing her diaper I'll hold up two diapers and ask her which one she wants. Same with socks and shoes, snacks, etc. When we're getting in the carseat, I'll often distract her before the fight begins and ask her if she wants a book to look at or a toy to play with when she's buckled in. While she's processing the question I quickly buckle her in and hold the two things up for her to choose. It may seem silly, and sometimes it just results in tickling and laughing, but it sure beats fighting about it. For some reason, when my daughter feels like she has some choice in little matters, she doesn't fight so hard on the big ones (getting out of the house on time so we're not late to something, etc.). Good luck! Remember that you are the mom (don't resort to throwing bigger temper tantrums when you're not getting your way), but remember that his job right now is being a kid and learning boundaries, right and wrong, and yes, even dealing with frustration.

No, he has 16 month old child syndrome. It's very normal. If he vocabulary isn't very big, he will get frustrated easily because he can't tell you how he is feeling. Really pay attention to his cues and find out what exactly causes melt downs. Is he tired? Is he hungry? Is he feeling out of control? Once thing that has worked with my kids is singing silly songs when we're doing the things they hated, like changing diapers or getting dressed or getting in the car. You can make up your own songs, or you can use songs he knows from his favorite cartoon or CD. When my son was that age, he loved Blues Clues, so when we changed diapers, I sang "we just got a diaper" to the tune of "we just got a letter". He loved it. Riding in the car, we sang "the wheels on the bus" and I made up more verses that were funny to him. It really helped. The other thing you can do is involve him in the decision. Ask him where he would like to have his diaper changed and give him two choices. When you tell him no, he can't do something, lead him over to something he can do and help get him involved in that. As he gains more words and is able to express his wants better, the melt downs with start to go away.

Hi M.! Don't worry, he's too young for only child syndrome. That is usually associated with children with five years or more spaced between them or are truly "only". He's practicing independence/boundary setting. He's mad because you're in charge (as you should be). I know it's frustrating. When I was pregnant with my first, I must have read 35-40 books on child-rearing. Most were ridiculous, but there were some good ones. My favorites are anything by John Rosemond, "Kids are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso, and the Love & Logic books. See if your local library has any of these. It should help. He's normal. He's just practicing the terrible twos a little earlier than some.

Bless you!
L.

Trying giving him choices that are acceptable for you as much as possible. For example, let him choose between two acceptable shirts to wear, two acceptable food choices, two acceptable toys to play with, etc. Do not give him more than two choices and make sure they are both options you can live with. Give him time to try to do a few things himself. Like getting dressed and climbing into the car seat. Associate a song or count down to show him when it is his turn to do something and then let him know that when the song ends or you've counted down to 0 (or up to 10--teach him to count) that it's Mommy's turn. It just sounds to me like he's ready for some independence. I remember my children all went through a phase at about that time when they were a little frustrated at not being able to communicate to me exactly what they wanted. They all went through an explosion of new speech at 18 months and then the phase was over. They both mastered getting dressed and a few other simple things too that seemed to help with their desire to be independent. He probably just needs patience.

He's becoming more independent. It's hard but it's normal. When my kids were going through this with my kids, I tried telling them the plan for the day before I started anything. Like, I'd say, We're going to the store in ten minutes, remember you have to go in your car seat. Then remind him every few minutes. Same with changing his diaper and so on. I hope this helps. Good luck!!!

The best thing that has worked for me and my son who constantly has power stuggles with me is the book "to raise a child" it sounds a little harsh at first but, it really works and the yelling, frustration and upset become very smalll. At first it takes about three days of being consistant and then you just have to be consistant. it makes our lives alot easier!

sometime you have to lay done the law- However choices are helpful. Example: Car seat, do you want a toy to play with, give him a choice of two- some thing you have to control, but other things let him choose. Diaper changes- he needs to understand that it has to be done and is not a game or fun for either of you. you might try a toy in his hands to preoccupy him, or just visit with him calmly. With the no thing- try a different word or phrase to correct him... "that's not good" or "that's not appropriate" I know it sound like to big of words, but they learn fast what you mean. (by all means I have my issues with my children and am not perfect, but I found that by not saying the actual word "NO" to them when they were little I really didn't get attitude from them about it. I corrected them with other words or corrected there behavior by giving them a different choice. It worked great and the two little boys I have, have never really used the word "NO" back to me.)

Is he verbal communicating? If not you might try signlanguage- The local library sometimes has them to check out if you live in a big enough area. I loved signing times, I have two children and the both speak wonderfully for there ages 4 and 2, however signlanguage definetly helped them to get there point across easier at the younger ages. My 2 year old to tis day will say I want a sandwich and sign it at the same time. It really helps me because if he is not understandable (which at time 2 year olds aren't) we still understand each other. I then reinforce the verbal communication and we are both happy and understand each other.

I loved the signlanguage and I am expecting a third child that I really hope that it will work with as well as it has for the other two.

Kids just need to feel understood, when they feel understood they do things you want them to even if they don't want to.

Good luck,
L.

M.,
I only have one child, and with that comes all the attention going to one child. Your son is just asserting himself. My husband and I took a class called Love and Logic, which gives your child choices, versus telling them what to do. They get to make decisions in their life, then they feel like they are in control and it works out a lot better. Less energy wasted trying to fight. It works very well with small children, as well as teens, as well as husbands! Tee hee
T

Girl, I know how frustrating this phase is! He's testing his boudaries and learning to express himself, and deciding what he wants all at the same time. Letting him know that you understand how he feels is really important. Try to tell him " I know that you are frustrated right now, and that you don't want to wear your seatbelt. But this is very important, and Mommy knows best right now". This will validate his feelings, let him know that he has successfully and accurately expressed them to you, and that you are still in control. Children need to know that you are in control, so that they may have a sense of security. Although he is testing you so much now, the benefit of giving him the security of knowing that you are the parent and you are capable of making the right decision will far outweigh giving in to him now. Does that make sense? Your perseverence, firmness, love and reliability will give him so much more security than knowing that he can sway you any time he objects or throws a fit.

Normal, normal, normal it is only a phase! Don't get upset just change the diaper, offer a toy or something to distract him and if he doesn't want it that is his choice. I hate the car seat battle but I just plop them in and if they have a fit it is up to them I oofer a book or toy ( I carry a bag of them in the car) and if they say no OK. The more you battle the harder the fight and at 16 months old there really is no such thing as disipline just choices. But the good news is it doesn't last long.......

Hi M.,
I have an 18 month old daughter and she did the same thing. It does get frustrating, I know all too well. I found that if I could distract her with something that she loved to do what I needed to do. It is only a phase and she has already grown out of it. I had a portable dvd player in the car and I would turn it on and hit play before I would have to put her in the car seat. Worked like a champ! The diaper thing is hard, too. My daught still has times when she just doesn't want to cooperate. I have started changing her diaper while she is standing, which is a trick, but also helped. I am a Christian and a dear friend of mine with 3 children under 5 told me about a great book, "Shepherding a child's heart" by Ted Tripp. It talks about getting to the heart of the behavior problems. The behavior is the result of the heart and to deal with the heart to change the behavior. It is a christian Bible based book but it is super great, you might take a look at it.
Hope any of this helps.

You son is at the age when kids want independance. They want it their way, do it their way and throw a fit when it doesn't happen. Many people refer to this a terrible twos. I think it starts earlier and lasts longer than just the twos. He can also not express his feelings or have the words to tell you what he wants.

I work in a daycare and have 3 young kids.... this is what I do. Give time warnings (in 2 minutes we need to get our shoes on... In 3 minutes we will need to get in our seats in the car so we can drive to the store). This helps them to trasition from one activity to the next and they know that you need them to do something.

You can also talk about feelings (putting words to what they are going through) "I can see you are mad that we had to leave the store, but when we get home you can help me put the food away" This gives them the tools to talk about it.

This is also the age when they want to help. Give him "big boy" jobs like choosing his cloths, or wiping the table.

When it comes to safty... be firm. " the car won't start unless everyone is in their seats and belts on" then don't start the car. When he gets to the age of taking them off (and he will) stop the car as quickly and safely as possible and remind him the car won't go until he is sitting right.

This age will pass. You just have to set the pace and stick to your rules. Do not let him run your house, it will be harder for you to gain control later.

Hi M.
First I wouldn't worry about only child syndrome. I'm an only child and an only grandchild on my mom's side and as far as I know they never had any problems and I never had any problems. Besides the occasional wanting someone to play with as I got older. My best advice for you is to always give your son a choice. Try to let him choose what he wants to do out of two or three choices you give him (the key make the choices things you want). Explain to him what is going to happen next and so on. I know he is only 16 months but you would be amazed at how much they comprehend. I took care of a little girl and she would have melt downs if it didn't go her way. I started explaining to her, "OK we are going to have breakfast, get dressed and then go play at the park." 9 times out of 10 this made life a lot easier!. Good luck and being an only child is a wonderful thing!

Mom, never fight with him. You are doing the things that he needs to have done. When a child fusses because I am changing their pants, I tell them "You don't need to act like that I am helping you" I talk to them very calmly. If they need to get into the car seat, "Safety first" NOT a FIGHT. If I say "NO" thats it. Choose your battles and allow him to respond better. Whatever you choose to stress, stay consistent in how you say it, what you are saying, etc. He will learn with consistency. It always takes two to fight. I hope this helps! K

M.,
My daughter started acting the same way around 16 months old. I had to fight her to get her diaper changed, get her dressed, take a bath, get in her carseat...just about anything turned into an exhausting ordeal. I did some research and found a few tricks that have worked! Some days I have to try a few to find the one to fit her mood, but things are getting much better. I learned that children this age don't understand action then consequence. So saying if you do this then you'll get this, doesn't quite work yet. But distraction does! Also, children at this age respond very well to singing. So we now have a getting up and getting dressed song. She LOVES it! I just made up a silly tune and some actions and the words change almost daily since I can't remember what I sang the day before. But she sings along with me and dances, and gets dressed without a fuss. I've also gotten to where I give her choices. I ask her which 2 outfits she wants to wear. She seems to really like this and doesnt fight putting her clothes on. With the diaper changes I had to get really creative. She LOVES elmo, so I went and bought a package of elmo panties and when I change her diaper I tell her I am putting her "elmos" on, I then put the panties over her diaper and show her when I get done that she is wearing elmo. I have also gotten her involved in the diaper changes. I give her a wipe and ask her to hand it to m when I am ready. And I talk to her about what we are doing. Walk her through it step by step. We did this with bed time, talking about getting ready and going to bed about an hour before hand. Although I know she has no concept of time we tell her, 10 more minutes, 5 more minutes, then when we tell her it is time, she just goes compliantly. (most nights ;) And finally, there are times when I just have to put her in time out or give her a little pat on her thighs. Overall she has come around quite a bit. Although there are still days where she challanges me, we are getting better and understanding each other, and I let her have some options and control while still being firm. I found alot of my infomation from my step mom and a book on raising a strong-willed child. If you are interested let me know and I will find out the author's name (I just moved and can't seem to locate the book right now) good luck!

At this point, it is not only child syndrome. It's 16 month old phase. But you should be in charge. Establish that early or you wil regret it later. You just have to be smarter than him and use some strategies. For diaper changes --- find other ways to entertain him while you change his diapers. For my 17 month old we sing songs with gestures --- patty cake, itsy bitsy spider, this little piggy, twinkle twinkle little star, etc. It keeps him entertained and busy. Should work for carseat as well. It gets old saying "no" over and over again. Use distraction techniques. Or refocus techniques. Nip it in the bud or it will only get worse. As far as the only child issue --- make sure to have him around other children his age via playgroups, the park, gymnastics, etc. The more he's around his peers, the more he'll learn to interact appropriately.

with my dd I gave her choices, would you like to lay down to get your diaper changed? or would you like mommy to lay you down? If she didn't respond I would say Good choice, mommy will lay you down. I also didn't tell her no very often, instead I would say "let's do something else" which makesit easy to say "you don't tell mommy no" when she says no to something I asked or told her to do. with consistency she came to realize that it wasn't a power struggle for control, she has control over parts of her world--the choices gave her that, they were just always choices I was comfortable with no matter which way she decides. It is so frustrating for these little people to not be able to have power over their own lives they know they can't but they want to control what they can, this has helped us with this issue.

Best way to avoid power struggles and avert behavior issues - choices. Give 2 choices, give him 10 sec to decide, if no decision choose for him. Don't give choices when he's already defiant or your at the end of your rope.
So here's how it works, he needs his diaper changed - you give him choice on how he gets it changes. "Do you want your diaper changed on the floor or on the bed? He needs to go in car seat, but give him choices on how he gets in the seat "Do you want to sing barney or old mac donald while you're getting in the seat" You'll be surprised how effective this works when you give him some control over his life in the little ways.
do you want to drink out of red sippy or blue sippy
do you want to read a story before or after your bath
do you want to put on your shirt first or pants first
If you master choices the Love & Logic way, you'll see immediate results. Listen to the Love & LOgic "avoiding power struggles" CD from he library or buy it off their website.
Also consider taking a love & logic class. I have one starting on Friday April 11th. See www.shellymoorman.com.

Have fun!

It is a lot more that he has a strong will, which is great, however he needs to learn to be cooperative. Most kids his age will respond to things being a game. Like you hold your clean diaper while mommy changes you, or you have to be safe. I know a friend that took her children to the police station so they could explain why carseats were important and they were totally on board after that. Your son is still young for that. You can try a counting game to see how fast he can get in his carseat. Try different words other then "no", like DON'T TOUCH. If you change your tone in your requests sometimes strong willed children will be alot more apt to comply. He is exerting his independence so just give him power (or so he thinks) like choice of snacks or what animal to sleep with, what shirt to wear or what shoes he wants.
Both of my kids have moments, my daughter was an angel until she turned three and is almost seven now and I can say SHE HAS A STRONG WILL, it is about choices, consequences when they make the wrong ones. Since your son is so young I would try getting on his level and making it fun, then if he pitches a fit, it just isn't going to work for him and he has to, if you don't give in, he will figure it out.