Parenting Advice for My Sensitive 4 Year Old

I am a Mom and Auntie to a whole grip of boys, there are 6 of them, ages 21, 18, 17, 14, 9 & 7....and I love them dearly....however, they are THE worst about finding anything, especially their shoes...so sadly, that problem is not going o go away, HA!

As far as the whining is concerned, when I heard any of my boys whining about something trivial we told them to 'suck it up'...pain and simple....and it works! I used a lot of...'life isn't fair' 'yep it's cold'...'ya just gotta deal with it'...'nothing we can do about it' 'it is what it is' and 'the faster you do it the faster it will be over'...and that type of sayings to get them to realize that they just have to get over whatever it is that is causing them to whine!

For the shoes, have him take them off and put them in same place every day. Same with jackets, back backs. Then it is never an issue. Takes a week or two of consistency but worth it in the end. I am guessing he just does not like getting a bath.

Placebo effect?

"Hold on before you get up so I can turn on the heat" then come back and have him stand up.

He's not lazy, he's just really immature. I have a six year old who used to be like this and is getting better. A little spacy sometimes, and he was very sensitive to temperatures (I still have him check with his hand and then his toe the bathwater before he gets in.) The change in temperature from a toasty bath to even a warm house may be in a number of degrees, so the body does experience a rather sudden shift. Mine likes a toasty towel after a bath, so I used to have one for drying him off and then wrap him up in a toasty bathrobe warming on the heat register. Now it's just the toasty towel and warm pajamas waiting.

Honestly, once I accepted that my Kiddo was just a sensitive guy, I got proactive about it. Sometimes this meant letting him know "If we can wash your hair without a fuss, you may have three chocolate drops"--- which was important in helping him *want* to control his responses and hold it together. Also, now after Kiddo is done in the bath, I wrap him up with that warm towel, take him back to his room and tell him "come out when you are dried and dressed".... I'm not an audience for the whining and "I'm so cold" complaints. You're cold? Put some clothes on. Problem solved.

He likely can't tell you 'why' because he doesn't know, really. Instead, I chose to ask "what about this is hard for you?" or "what do you need help with?" or "What can we do to make this better for you? What are you needing?" This got his brain past "poor me" and more engaged in identifying his problem and I was better able to pinpoint what was most needing attention/changing.

He's still kind of off on his own planet sometime, and then I just try to praise a lot when he's doing well. "Oh, you did XYZ without my help. Look at you!" Keep it simple and specific. It will get better.

My DD will walk past her shoes, too. She is four.

I would do things like "take deep breaths and be calm" and say you will wash him fast, pretend he is dancing the hokey pokey (wash your left arm now, do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around, now your bath's all done!), etc. Or hand him the cloth and direct him to wash himself.

Try not to feed the fears but don't totally dismiss them if he has a genuine phobia. Work with him. "Please use your words. If you are upset but you don't use words, I can't help you make it better. I don't know what you need."

ETA:

I would get him a visor for rising his hair. My DD doesn't like water in her face, either and I am working on her just wiping it away or she'll never learn to swim.

I can not tolerate crying, unless it is for a very good reason (blood or bone). I understand sometimes kids just need to cry for no reason, and some kids cry for no reason more than others. I just make sure that crying never gets them their way, and when possible I make sure that the crying is not done where I have to listen to it. I would simply say "if you are going to cry you need to go to your room. Come out when you are done." If he is crying in the bath, I would just completely ignore it. Let him know he will not change the outcome by crying. "Sorry, I know you don't like it, but that what you have to do." I kind of treat crying like masturbation. It is ok to do it, but keep it to yourself.
As for finding his shoes, neither of my kids can find anything, even if it is sitting right in front of them. They are almost 8 and 11! I assume it is a part of the brain that develops much later.

I agree with the shoes, jacket, backpack in the same place advice. I have a set of hooks and tubs by the front door. Both kids put their jackets/book bags on the hooks and their shoes in the tub. That has eliminated that issue.
As far as the bath goes, maybe try a shower? Both my 3 and 5 year old love to shower in our master bath shower. I help with rinsing out their hair, but they pretty much do all the washing themselves with a wash cloth and a pump body wash.

Good Luck!

You sometimes have to say knock it off. And just move on. It's not your job as a mom to make every moment of his day mind numbingly even. Ups and downs are part of every day life and kids need to learn how to cope with every day trials. If he doesn't like to stand to rinse and doesn't like the shower he's going to be unhappy. No way around that. Don't play into it. Do do the"oh I know blah blah blah.... just a firm stand up your done rinse and out you go" otherwise your going to have 2 kids like that.

As far as the crying the rest of the time of he's hurt you need to address it. Otherwise tell him if he wants to cry go do it in his room. If he doesn't have an audience it might stop pretty quick.

My son was exactly like that at that age. You just get him out of the bath quickly and try to keep things light and positive. He cries. You get him into pjs as fast as you can. My son is 9 now and he has outgrown a lot of this. Your son will too. He is still extra sensitive to movies and feelings but he is starting to branch out and be less sensitive in that regard too. Hang in there. After reading your SWH...my response to this is to empathize but not too much. I try to show him things are fun and not scary and try to make him laugh or see that it's not a big deal. Then I vent to my husband later about how annoyed I was really feeling!

I have a real sensitive 11-yr-old. He has been diagnosed with high-functioning autism but I don't think that makes a difference in how I respond.

He will cover his ears at loud noises, hold his nose closed digging out a scoop of cat food to put into their food bowl, and always wants his bath water cold.

I have found that I will tell him to pick up his dirty clothes. A few minutes later I tell him that it is time for me to look in his room, closet and the bathroom upstairs. I warn him that this is when I will have him give me a quarter for every dirty piece of clothing (one sock: a quarter, shorts+shirt+2 socks: 4 quarters). I smile when he, sometime, wait a minute, I want to check one more time. ;)

I like the response from Flaming Turnip - need to try that one myself.

I see your first plea for answers is "how do I get my overly sensitive child to communicate?" Maybe he needs professional help to work with him with using his words to describe his feelings. I wish I had made such an investment (with professional help) when my son was younger. (Ever hear of Pragmatic Speech therapy? It involved a lot of learning what words were appropriate to the given situation. Well worth it for my son. The public school referred me to a speech therapist.) There are so many "feeling" words! Dry, flaky, itchy, sweaty, heated, cold, rough, scared, startled, panic, ...

I believe my son's cries are real but I can empathize and still make accommodations.

Something I haven't heard suggested is to ask him to wash himself. Tell him he's such a big boy that you want to see him do it without your help. If he doesn't like water on his face, ask him to clean for suggestions. Would he wash his face with a damp wash cloth? If it works, then that's great!

I have worried a bit about when it seems he's "crying wolf." That worry got me to remind him that complaining or talking about it was the more appropriate (usual) response rather than crying. A lot of times I'll let him cry as long as I know he is in a safe place.

Good luck!

Well my teenagers do the exact same thing when it comes to "finding" something. Especially my youngest!
And I know when *I* take a bath I don't stand up to wash, that WOULD be cold! Why can't he stay seated, or start taking showers? He can remained seated and still be rinsed with running water from the faucet.
The scary music and bug stuff all sounds normal too.
I'm sorry, he's a little boy, I don't see how any of this is a sign of over sensitivity.
And his communication skills aren't fully developed yet either. Young children often get upset without really knowing why, let alone being able to express themselves clearly. Please try to be patient with him, he's still got a lot of growing to do.

Ours is only 2, but ever since he was an infant, I'd tell him "It's so hard to be a little boy, but now we have to ....". It offers the empathy and understanding without buying into the whining. My extended family has started to pick up on it and it seems to help him cope a little better.

I don't have a good answer for the bath, except maybe to have him sit and life the body parts out of the water.

One thing to realize though, when trying to ask kids questions is that little kids don't understand the question "why". Instead, of asking "why are you upset?" try something else like "what happened that you feel sad/mad/frustrated?" or instead of "why don't you like X (bath, this shirt, this story, etc)?" try asking "what is it about X that you don't like?"

I think you need to ignore the crying as much as possible. My second oldest grandson was like that - cried at the drop of a hat. The one thing we could guarantee and bank on when he was little is that he is going to cry over SOMETHING! We just tried to ignore it as much as possible and he did grow out of it.

As for finding his shoes, I always remind mine when I send them looking for something that they have to OPEN THEIR EYES and really look, not just scan and they might have to actually move something to look under/behind, etc. It's just kids.

I don't know about the sensitity. But, my 4 1/2 year old is told to go get her shoes. She does the same thing. She can't find them most the time. Even when they are where I told her to find them.

I know it is frustrating. I was a sensitive child, my daughter was and now she has a sensitive 3 yr. old. One thing I would suggest is that he is beginning to be at the age when he needs to start doing more for himself. They somehow seem happier if they can be independent.
I would teach him how to bathe himself. Then say you have this amount of time to do this and then I am going to come in and do it my way. Use a timer if necessary. Sensitive children are usually immature but intelligent.
I also started at 5 with my daughter having her own alarm clock and being responsible for dressing herself. If she was not ready to go at the pre-set time then I would put her in the car as is and she had to wear the bag of clothes I kept in the car for such emergencies. She learned to be dressed and ready.
The trick is to stay calm and firm with your behavior and to not react to the crying. Be empathetic and say you can tell me why you're upset but I do not understand crying.
I still remember my mom being frustrated and agravated with me. When they do succeed at mastering small steps or are being helpful and calm give lots of positive reinforcement. "I like the way you are getting this job done, etc."
He is not being lazy about the shoes, but I would teach him to keep them a certain place and then when he can not find them again have an old pair in the car that he has to wear. I would not be searching for his stuff all the time.
My daughter is also signing up her 3 yr old for swimming lessons all summer where they have to put their face in the water. She also cries at any water in her face. The best way to get rid of a sensitivity is to face it daily until you are no longer upset by it.
Good luck.

Do not react to his crying. He has learned that you will cater to his every whim when he cries. He has learned that he can use it when he is feeling sensitive as well as when he just fakes it.

Tell him that you cannot understand him when he cries and that he needs to use words. Then walk away. It will be very hard at first because you will feel like a bad mom. He knows you love him. You have taught him that, so don't worry about his feelings. He needs to stop the crying and start communicating. Even though you can understand him while he talks and cries, just act like you can't if he is crying. Demonstrate taking a deep breath and saying, "I am cold." "But when you cry, I will close my ears." Then wash him as if he isn't crying and start singing. Do not react to the crying in any way. Act like you are happy and do not hear the crying.

If you sing every time he starts to cry, he may realize sooner than later that he is going to get the wrong reaction.

When he says he can't find his shoes, do not go find them. He has learned that he doesn't have to do anything because you will eventually do it for him. Plan way ahead of time so that you are not late, but do not leave until he has found his own shoes. Or leave without shoes on if you are just going to the store or something. Let him be uncomfortable without shoes if you think it will make the point effectively. Ask him for suggestions, like "What should we put our shoes in to keep them by the front door? A basket or a bin?" Think of what are the most frustrating triggers in your day and ask him for a solution (giving some choices that you like).

Your husband has a point and so do you, but you must work together. Find a calm moment when your son is in bed. Talk to your husband about solutions you can do together. Try his suggestions with an open mind.

Never undermine your husband to your son. Even if your husband is wrong in your mind, let it go. Your son needs the strong, no-nonsense parenting from a strong man. You can be a good balance with tenderness but only when your husband is not involved in the situation.

Read Highly Sensitive Child and Child Whisperer.

The shoe thing is totally normal. My son does that ALL the time too. The other things you mentioned sounds like he might have sensory issues though. My son can be sensitive as well and at one point, I did a lot of research into sensory processing disorder just to rule that out so i would stop worrying about it (in my case, my son hated (well, still hates) tags on clothing - he seriously cannot wear them) and he used to hate water on his face too though now he just laughs. i would look into it and he doesn't have it, then you can work on desensitizing him, not giving into him, etc but rule out any medical possibilities first. good luck!

I think kids can't always find the words to express themselves so they use whining to get their message of frustration across. I would try not to focus on it and try to stay calm and positive. I think you may see a change as he gets older and better with expressing himself.

When my son was 4, he hated getting his face wet and getting out of the tub, due to feeling cold. I've never heard of making a child stand up to get washed. That would feel too cold! I'd wash him up in the water or start having him do it while bathing.

My son can ever find his shoes. I think it's the age! ( he's 6)

I just read an article in Parents magazine this week, and your description reminded me of it. It was on Sensory Processing Disorder. You may want to read that, and maybe do some additional research:
http://www.parents.com/health/kids-who-feel-too-much/

Best of luck,
D.