Parenting Boundaries with a 21Yr Old Daughter

All I can offer is that I wouldn't be dating him . . . and I don't mean that in a punitive way. He is showing you who he is, and that's a good thing before you get too far gone in the relationship.

Men who are weak seldom make good long-term partners - unless that is what you are looking for. Unfortunately it backfires sometimes.

PS: I absolutely love great dads. That being said, it's not being a "great dad" to treat a grown woman (his daughter) that way. That is very odd behavior, imho, and a big red flag.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is at what age are your children no longer your children? When do they no longer deserve your love and support?
This is not coddling, but supporting the only way he knows. I love that you, too, showed her support and that you suggested counseling.
I can not believe how heartbreaking it is to have your mother walk out on you at the age of 16. Such a pivitol point in a young woman's life. Her dad really had to step in and step up.

If the bed intrusions continue after cable is put in, then you may need to have an intervention with him/her, but the very harsh facts are you are not his wife, you are not her mother and your input on this is just limited to that of family supporter.

They have been a family for 21 + years and they do know what one another needs in terms of time to heal and level of support.

Hang in there and be vocal if it gets tot he point where you are no longer comfortable!

Well, his children are adults, but they are his children, so they get top priority. However, it sounds like there needs to be some "apron string cutting" here. She needs to realize when she's being rude (and turning on the tv in the middle of the night when others are sleeping in the room is rude), and I do find the sleeping with daddy thing a bit odd at that age. Anyway, is she in school or working? She is an adult, so she probably needs to find a place of her own or move into a dorm or something. Let him know he's not being mean if he tells her that there's no room in the bed since you two are in there. Ultimately, if it continues and you're bothered by it, tell him you're breaking up with him, explain why and leave.

It's interesting to see a few women on here say that the man they are dating has a new woman who comes first now to their adult daughters...if the roles were reverse, are you all saying that you would choose a new boyfriend over your children? Kind of hypocritical I think.

HE is HER father. If the way he parents and handles his daughter doesn't work for you, then maybe your relationship with him won't work. It's not up to you how he comforts his daughter. Everyone parents differently.

I feel that there are not too many dads out there that even acknowledge there kids. The fact that he is willing to console her in her time of need, or anytime for that matter, says something positive about him as a man. As far as the bed sharing, I'm not really sure how to feel about that! But the main factor to me is that he seems to love his children. I don't feel that you should get in between their relationship, or base your opinion unless your asked for your advice from your boyfriend. It seems like you really care about him, and part of that would be respecting his relationship with his children. Even tho they are 21 and 24, they will always be his kids. I hope it works out between you guys. If its worth it, try and stick around for them! Good luck! :)

Does the daughter have a job? Maybe your boyfriend can sit down with her a map out a concrete plan to get her moved out on her own where she belongs. For example, he could LOAN her the money for a security deposit on an apartment, and also LOAN her half of her rent for 3 months (to be paid back and they should get it all in writing). Of course I don't know all the ins-and-outs of this situation but I wonder if it's Daddy Divorce Guilt rearing its ugly head. But obviously she is an adult and needs to put on her big-girl pants. She just needs a nudge in the right direction. Maybe you could reassure your boyfriend that it is not "mean" to teach a child to be independent--isn't that pretty much a primary goal of parenting?

Wait, let me get this right: Your boyfriend is sharing a bed with his 21-year-old daughter? Did I read that right? That is not erring on the side of compassion, that is way beyond and is very disturbing!

I know you said he's not a creep, and you would know if this had crossed the line sexually.... but it is still disturbing nonetheless. Grown men do not sleep with their grown daughters in the same bed... and using the excuse that there's not cable in the other room, is just that: an excuse.

Definitely get him in to see the psychologist, because only a professional will be able to help him see and work through these issues. Continue to support him, but like Angela S. said, I would stop dating him until he got his head on straight, because until he does, there's not much future for you as a couple. Until he realizes that this is an issue, he's not going to change.... and perhaps a professional will help him stop being in denial over these issues. But you can't really do much more than encourage him to get counseling.

She's 21. Is she a student? Does she have a job? Both?
Yes, I'm sure it's frustrating. But it IS his daughter and his first allegiance is probably to her, not to a girlfriend. Try to look at it from that angle.
I do think the bed sharing thing is a bit creepy...
If he's not willing to set boundaries, then you'll either have to 1.) deal or 2.) leave.
Wouldn't you put your sons before your boyfriend?

I agree with the others that you have to choose to deal with the dynamics of their relationship (it is their relationship and is not going to change b/c of you) or leave. However, I think bed sharing for 2 weeks is creepy. Maybe for the first night she came home if she was in tears and not able to sleep, and just a basket case all night... ok. But after that first night... I would find it very disturbing that the daughter (who is 21 years old?) can't sleep alone in her own bed. Does she have some sort of traumatic history (I mean seriously traumatic like kidnapping or break-in to the home when she was a child?) that you are unaware of? If so, then perhaps needing that closeness overnight would be more understandable, but without something horrible like that, I find 2 weeks of overnight "closeness" like that disturbing.
They both probably need some counseling on that score. But YOU can't solve it. So either they get counseling, or you just deal, or you leave.
Good luck.

One of the things I made sure my husband understood before we got married was that my daughter's need for my time and energy would always trump his. With or without him, I will always be her mother. He was surprised that I even felt the need to tell him that - he had just assumed that would be the case.

It takes more than candy and a blank notebook to get over a broken heart.
When my daughter and her boyfriend broke up a few years ago, she stayed with us while looking for another place to live. She did a lot of crying and I did a lot of cuddling her, often falling asleep on the couch with her in my arms. He just put a blanket over us and let us sleep. Sometimes if I wasn't home, she would cuddle with my husband and doze off. Falling asleep in the arms of someone who cares about you is not the same as a gropefest.

she's his daughter, and they have a relationship that goes back 21 years. you are not going to change the dynamic between them now and the only one who will lose if you insist on trying is you.
i'm not especially freaked out by the bed sharing (it could be creepy but isn't necessarily so) but it sounds as if you are, even with your PS. but if they are close enough that THEY are okay with it, i can tell you right now that your efforts to detach them from each other will be regarded with resentment by both.
if something (all the gods forbid!) happened to my dh and i ended up in a relationship with someone else, there is no way i would allow the new person, however gentle (but firm) he tried to be, to dictate the terms of my relationship with my kids.
their coping techniques (or dysfunction, however you choose to look at it) is something they have developed over a lifetime of being family with each other. learn to live with it, or move on.
khairete
S.

You aren't going to change him, or the kids. Sounds like there are many many issues here. If I were you I'd be gone by now. Either that or be prepared to deal with nonsense for the rest of your life.

You may be the girlfriend but you have to look at where you feel this relationship is going in say 1, 3, or 5 years. If you do not see any good end in sight, it is time to cut your losses.

As others have said she IS his daughter and he will deal with this in his own way. Therapy may help but do you want to wait that long? Do you really need him that badly in your life?

My daughter dated a man who had a daughter about half the age of this one and she finally got tired of it and left him. He was upset about it but she had to think about her needs and he could not meet them.

Good luck to you in the future with your decision.

The other S.

Sorry but allowing his daughter to sleep with him for 2 weeks is a little weird. Are you right there with them? The cable thing is a lame answer for letting her do that.
This is a tough situation because his dd has been around for 21 years and you have only been in his life for 3. He is clearly showing you that his relationship with her trumps his relationship with you, for now. I think you need to decide if that is something you can live with until she finally matures and gets a life of her own. You could get him a book about boundaries in relationships. You could get it on cd for him to listen to in the car if he doesn't have time to read.