I Need Advice - Batavia,OH

I personally think i would get rid of the boyfriend. I think that anyone that cant understand she is use to laying in the same bed with you and it will take time. is a jerk. But try making her a spot on the floor near you and little by little move her away. Maybe eventually to her bedroom

Your daughter has been through a LOT of changes recently. She needs YOU! If your boyfriend doesn't understand than he can take a hike. Your child comes first...always. Sorry to be blunt but it is the truth. Men can come and go...your child is here forever. Do what you need to for HER!

M.

Sounds to me like he is not real understanding or accepting or loving of your child...kick him to the curb...if it is happening already, it will only get worse. Good Luck.

A.,

It sounds like your boyfriend has issues. You should hae thought harder and made things very clear from the get go. That your little girl and you are a package deal. Sounds to me like he can't handle it. I would get somethings straight before you waist any more time with someone that won't learn to understand your daughter. Good luck.

Put your child first,men will come and go and back stab you and cheat.....and want more undivided attention then a baby..be mature ,he is not...this is so unfair to your daughter....maybe if you hadn't slept with her all these years,...she is going to have abandement issues in the future.

How long have you been together? Is he great with your daughter in all other respects but this one? I think it's hard to say "leave him" without knowing more details.

If there aren't any other red flags, maybe he could go to a parenting class or you could both go to counseling. He might not have any idea what it really takes to raise a child. I can understand he doesn't want her in bed with you every night - heck, I love my kid to pieces, and while I could sleep with him every night, I don't want him to get in that habit. He does need to give your daughter a chance to adjust, but I don't think it's unfair to not want her there every night as the goal. And he needs to understand she still might end up with you here and there, because she doesn't feel good or has a bad dream. Of course, if you are adamant about sharing the bed as long as she wants, then maybe your differences are enough to end the relationship.

The whole "adults room" thinking has to go. Yes, boundaries need to be set up. I don't want my stepkids or biokids to feel they can freely come into our bedroom either, but to say never? That's strong.

I'm inclined to say that this is YOUR daughter. Is she really worth the sacrifice of making your little boyfriend happy?? I would tell this guy to take a hike! It's bad enough your daughter is going through so much upheavel but to have some guy who is NOTHING to her trying to keep her from her mother has got to make it 10X worse! What a jerk!

Hi A.,

I'm sure your daughter is experiencing a little separation anxiety and jealousy because she's used to sleeping with you. I don't think she should never be allowed in your room, but you do need to set boundaries. Did you talk to her beforehand about how the dynamic was going to change when the two of you moved in with your boyfriend?

I don't think she should be able to just walk in and out of the room you share with him whenever she pleases. It's not unreasonable for her to knock first. When it was just you, it was different. But since you have now made him part of your household, you have to take his wishes into account too. It's not really a question of not having kids of his own. It's a privacy issue. I'm sure it's extremely uncomfortable for him to feel like at anytime your daughter might just open the door and come on in.

It will take her some getting used to, but kids are adaptable. HUGS!

.....L

Hi A.!
I don't think that giving him "a cold shoulder" is the best approach. I think you should talk to him. Explain how important your daughter is to you and what a huge change it is for her. She is just a little girl. She needs extra attention now, reassurance that her Mommy is still all hers. If your boyfriend cares about you and considers your relationship long-term he needs to earn her trust. And then after she gets to know and hopefully like him, you can start setting some bounderies. I know that privacy might be an issue at first, and you should tell her that it's polite to knock before entering. But you should assure your boyfriend that she will get used to a new place and will grow out of needing you every minute. If he loves you, he should understand. As one mom said earlier - you two came as a package. I hope you guys will figure it out. And just remember - your daughter is the most important thing in the world.

I must say that I agree with the rest, forget that !! That is your child, if he has no respect now, he will have no respect later. Boyfriends are a dime a dozen, and if you are concerned that makes you a good mom, and you know in your heart this isnt right. Go with your head and tell him to go sleep somewhere else...

Wow, it sounds like most mom's think you should get rid of the b/f, but I disagree. Giving up now will add more problems to your situation. I think that you are right to protect your daughter, no argument there. However, she is 7 y/o and a little to old to be sleeping with mom and her b/f. My husband is uncomfortable when OUR 4 y/o crawls into bed and he isn't completly dressed and I am uncomfortable when the 11 or 7 y/o come into our room and I am in bed (dressed or not). My suggestion, your daughter needs to sleep in her bed, I understand she is use to sleeping with mom and it will take some adjustment time. Explain to both your daughter and b/f that she needs to sleep in her cool new room and he needs to be patient. Also, I would take her to the store and let her pick out something to cuddle with during the night. Try to come up with a back up plan with your b/f for when she wakes up during the night. Try having her bring her pillow and blanket with her when she gets up during the night and sleeping on your floor (but don't tell her that in advance, when she comes to your room tell her she can sleep on your floor or go back to bed). Take small steps, and show him that you understand his feelings and want to fix the problem. I wish my children didn't consider my bedroom a playroom and once children are in the habbit of doing something, it is horribly hard to get them out of the habbit.

You're daughter can probably sense his feelings and it's making her anxious. I would let your boyfriend know that she is first priority until she adjusts to this situation and if he can't handle that then maybe you should rethink this relationship. It's hard for someone who doesn't have children to relate with the sacrifices that a person who does have children makes.

As far as your daughter goes, maybe you should spend some special time with her just the two of you and reassure her that she's the most important person in your life. She's probably feeling a little bit threatened by the new presence in your life.

when my cousins daughter was having that problem it was because there were monsters so she wouldn't sleep in her own bed what they did to help was put an eye and hook lock on the closet and where ever the monsters were to "lock" them in so they couldn't get out. it helped. another idea might be to get her a body pillow since you guys use to share a bed so it will feel like there is someone else in the bed. it works i used one right before i got married so that i would be use to having someone else in the bed with me and it helped. hope this works!

I say ditch the loser. This is a big adjustment for everyone especially your daughter. If he doesn't understand this, he's never going to understand the big stuff. And trust me there will be much bigger things than this to deal with in the years to come with your daughter.

When I started dating again, before my husband lived with me, I started putting my daughter in her own room during the middle of the night, Each day putting her in her own earlier and earlier, until eventually, she went to bed at nite in her own. She always knew that she could come in at ANY given time if she needed me. You know what finally worked? My husband bought her a dream catcher. He took her into her room and explained that a dream catcher caught all the bad dreams before going to her head. She then only came in once in awhile. She is 12 1/2 now and even though she now knows that is fokelore, she still has it. She even suggested that we get our son one too. They both sleep upstairs, and she has to go through his room to get in or out of hers. We also have the beds positioned so that she can see him, and he can see her. Night lights in both rooms help my son out tremedously! She usually goes to him in the middle of the night if he starts to whine. Or, he goes to her and sleeps with her. He is 5. When she is at her dads, we let him sleep downstairs on the couch.

All circumstances are different but if it were me,and my kids tried to get in bed with me for a long time.So i would get up in the middle of the night and take them to their room.I would set in a rocking chair and tell them it was ok dont be afraid,and i would stay until they fell asleep.I would tell them how nice their room was and how lucky they were to get such a nice room all to their self.It took a while but they eventually stayed in their own room and when they did I made sure i told them how proud of them i was, that they stayed in their own room all night.It was such a great accomplishment!!

hello A.! ok the reason she is coming to your room is because you let her sleep with you for all that time. i understand you didnt have much of a choice. ok well here is what you can do, you have to tell her she has to sleep in her room and no more comeing into the room in the middle of the night. then you have to sit down with your doyfriend and tell him that this will take time. she is use to sleeping with mommy and now that she cant she will find reason to. you really have to put your foot down!!!

You need to set your boyfriend straight. It is very difficult for a child to understand and adapt to a big change like this. She deserves a lot of compassion and understanding. If he doesn't accept this, what down the road with your child. There are a lot worse things than a spell of a child waking you up.

Hi A.,

I have the same problem with a 7 year old son. I am trying to break him of wanting to sleep with me by using music in his room. He states he gets 'scared' sleeping alone, but the music helps because he concentrates on that instead of 'bedtime noises'.

Me and my husband fight about this as well. I told him, I've watched many episodes of 'Nanny' and she really doesn't address this issue yet! I as well slept in a smaller place and shared the bed with the children, so I know how hard it is too break them of the habit. But actually, the men are right! We need to do the separation thing asap for ourselves as well as the kids! But I know how hard it is! Good luck to you, and if you find any good solutions, let me know too :)

Your Mamasource friend,
T

When I was about your daughter's age, my mom had her boyfriend move in with us and I wasn't very happy about it. I used to go into their room in the middle of the night using the same reasons you said your daughter does. My mom's boyfriend wasn't thrilled with it and tried to discourage me. We all finally came to the compromise of instead of me trying to get in bed with my mom, I would sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor next to my mom. This way I could still be close to her but I wasn't right in the bed with them.
You didn't say how long you and your boyfriend have been together, so I don't know how well your daughter and boyfriend know each other. It could be that she is not used to having to "share" you- especially since you used to share a bed- and she may feel like your boyfriend is taking what she feels is her place. If you could all reach a compromise like the sleeping bag arrangement, it might help not only calm your boyfriend, but reassure your daughter that you are still there for her when needed and that no one is ever going to take her place.
Good luck!
A.

A., as the mother to a blended family of seven (his, hers and those born of others), I can tell you from first hand experience that what you are going through is hard on everyone, but your boyfriend is absolutely right in not wanting your daughter in the bedroom at night. Whether or not she is allowed in your room other times has to be a joint decision based on your lifestyle and what you want for your future.

My children were used to sleeping with me until I married my husband. He was very adament that they sleep in their own rooms and while he didn't say so at the time, that they not come into our room at all. I believe it is a very normal desire of the man to protect what is, in a lot of cases, his only territory. (Read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus for a better understanding of this) When my children first began sleeping in their rooms, I spent a lot of time going to them after knocks on the door in the middle of the night. My husband also went to them. They adjusted and were none the worse because of it. They still got the comfort they needed, learned to sleep in their own rooms and my new husband protected "his" domain at the same time.

That being said, my children spend a lot of time with me in the bedroom during the day even now. While my husband is at work, my now teenage and pre-teen children (as well as the dogs and cats) can all be found in the bedroom watching TV, on the computer, playing games or simply talking. My husband doesn't particularly care for it, but also understands that this is how and where I spend some of my favorite time with the kids.

Oh and as a side note, when my pre-teen wakes in the middle of the night which she does sometimes even to this day, it's usually one of her brothers (or her older sister when she's here) who get up with her.

You have my best wishes for this and if you need to talk more, feel free to send a note.

sounds to me like your boyfriend only wanted to be just that-YOUR boyfriend- not a father. any man worth your time wouldn't be complaining that she is waking him up, but would be just as concerned as you are about how to make HER more comfortable with the new arrangement. sorry sister, if he doesn't understand what being your boyfriend really entails, he has to go! but i think you knew that already. tell us what happens and good luck!!!

First and formost, you daughter is the most important thing in your life.. You need to make that very clear with your boyfriend. If and when he chooses to marry you, the both of you will be or should be the most important thing to him. He doesn't appear to have any empathy regarding her and this enormous change in her life and yours. I would be setting him straight. Tell him you two come as a packaged deal. He needs to learn to cope with her in his life on a full time basis. Techinically, he is the father figure in her life, this sleeping in your bedrrom is just a phase- she will grow out of soon enough. Just keep reassuring her, as she seems bit insecure, that you're going to be there for her always. And that it is okay if she comes into your room, you can deal with what her problem is at the moment, then usher her back to her room. I sorry if this seems harsh, I just have some strong feelings about "boyfriends" who don't appear empathic to their girlfriends children.