Seeking Blended Family Advise

girl it would be a no brainer for me and it was when my husband and i first got married.

it was my oldest son and i for 3 yrs alone before i met my husband. he slept with me since the day he was born. at first my husband didn't say anything, but after a little while he started making comments about the marriage bed. thats when i said whoa bubba... my son comes first. he is only little once. he still climbs in bed with us every once in while (hes 8 now) and my husband never says anything anymore. they get jealous i think because the bed is supposed to be just for them if you know what i mean. they are like children themselves sometimes, poor guys. lol. any way i hope some of this was helpful.

D. Mattern-Muck
The MOM Team
www.formyrugrats.com
"The only thing that counts is faith, expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6

You need to get your 8 year old out of your bedroom ASAP. This is not fare to your husband. Start by taking him into his own room with you laying on the floor beside him until he falls asleep. Every night move further away from the bed until you are outside his door. If he wakes up in the middle of the night repeat the same format. this may take a few weeks but you must stick to it. Tell your son he is a big boy and will soon start spending the night out with friend and will have friends spend the night with him that is why he needs his own room. Also, I would move your infant out of the room too. Maybe the 2 boys could share a room for a while. If your 8 yr old son is a sound sleeper, the crying won't wake him up. Maybe he will feel like a true big brother if they share a room. Also, he will know you will be coming in there during the night and that may comfort him. Good luck.

Your son needs to learn to sleep in his own room. He's eight years old, its beyond time for that to happen.

We had the same issue with my stepdaughter who is 5. Her mother lets her sleep with her, so when she would come stay with us , she would expect someone to sleep with her. It took some time and us being very firm about it before she stopped the fits when it was bedtime, but she did stop after about 6 months. Now its been two years and she doesn't even ask anymore for someone to sleep with her, she knows the rules at Daddy's house.

Just be firm with him, he'll get used to it and your relationship with your husband will be better.

Another piece of advice, don't let the baby sleep in bed with you, if you do, you're setting yourself up to have the same problem with this one that you have with your son.

edit: actually Traci, it won't be the same. The baby is not going to sleep in bed with us. I'm very firm about that and about teaching him/her to put herself to sleep. We have a basinet that will be in our room while I nurse then after that he/she will be in his/her own room. i'm not saying not to make exceptions for bad dreams, etc, but it doesn't allow for a healthy marital relationship when you have kids in the bed with you, plain and simple.

Hi S.,
I dealt with the same issue when my daughter was 3 1/2.
We had always lived in a 1 bdrm apt. She and I had slept together sense the day she was born.
My boyfriend however was very understanding. He was aware that Zoii and I had been alone with out a man in the house and that Zoii had some issues with having this man sleeping in her spot.

I honestly feel that him playing his part as a patient understanding friend to her really helped the situation.
One day he came home from work with a surprise for her. He had stopped at Wal-Mart and bought her a beautiful comforter with sheets and pillowcases. It was Disney princess theme. So he had also got her some matching pajamas.
They Washed her new bed set together and put it on her bed. That night she slept in her bed for a little while and then crawled back in our bed. He never complained, he would get up get her a glass of water, let her lay with us for a while till she fell asleep and then we would put her back in her bed.
We did this for about 4 months. finally now she doesn't even think twice. She is 7 years old now and she would rather sleep in her room.
I realy think that he should show patience and understanding toward the childs feelings. But at the same time be consistant on keeping him in his room. We even put a tv and dvd player in her room for her birthday, so at night after her bath she can pop in a movie. We sit in there and watch the movie with her, or some time we all take turn reading books. It also helps to spend some time in the childs room for a little while.
It really helped me. We have our space and now she feels she has her space but also she doesnt feel that she has been replaced.
Good luck.
T.

What about laying down with your son in his room? Then you could lay down with your son until he falls asleep and go back to your room and that might decrease the friction.

Wow this is an issue that I had to solve as well. With my son it just took time. He too was scared to sleep in his own bedroom. Finding out why was a big solution for me. My son is afraid of the dark. I took him to target and let him pick out a Magic lamp that would scare away any of the monsters that could be hiding in the dark. I also bought him a flash light that he was allowed to keep in his bed. Another thing that really helped was a new rule. My rule was that he had to go to bed in his bed in his room and if he woke up or he got scared that he could always come and sleep with me. This allowed me and my fiancé to have time in bed by ourselves. It took some time but now he might come into our bed once every couple of months. Another tactic was having sleep overs with friends and relatives. We had my sons cousins come over on the weekend and spend the night with him. They weren't allowed to sleep in our room and he felt like such a big boy entertaining them in his room that he eventually liked sleeping in there by himself too. Make his room fun for him and inviting. And make sure he knows that you are there for him some of this might just be he is feeling a little lonely with the new baby and the new husband. Good luck I hope some of these tactics work for you.

Hi S.,
I have a blended family as well and I really understand the stress of having friction and trying to make everyone happy. Have you thought about getting a fish tank for your sons room? I've heard people say that really worked for kids afraid to be in their room at night because the tank has a light and the fish tend to be calming. Your son could take an active roll in caring for them and maby feel like he had company at night. Best of luck to you!
T.

oh, boy do we have lots in common! Same situation here. My daughter is 8 and I have now been in a relationship with this guy for 4 yrs and we have been engaged for 2. However, we have been living together for 2 yrs and we have an 18 mth old boy. Anyways, like I said...same as you. My daughter and I slept together all these years, all of a sudden, we have to sleep seperately. I didnt like this one bit and niether did she. Although, I see his point, I dont like to see that 1 ounce of hurt in my daughter's eyes. Sure, I want to see the day that we are a "normal family" and everyone sleeps in their own room, sits at the dinner table, has family fun day....blah, blah, blah. But when my "man" sees something he disagrees with, his face turns red. Someone once told my b/f (at the time), "She will love her daughter more than she will EVER love you." I will never forget that. With that in mind, my daughter, my son, and I sleep in the same bed almost every night. My "man" has "our" room all to himself. I love it. Dont get me wrong, sometimes I sneek out of the room when I wake up in the middle of the night and go sleep with him and he loves that. I have so many questions to ask you since our situation is so similar. With your permission, of course. Good luck, T.
P.S. I just read Kristen W.'s advice...ummm...I couldnt disagree with her more. She says, " It's about time for him to stop sleeping with you!" and " They know the rules at daddy's house." My goodness. Is all this going to matter 20 years from now??? No! Not unless your husband leaves you. If he does decide to leave you for something as stupid as that, then you are better off without him anyways. I see it as a form of disrespect if you ask me. Just wait till you guys a child together..I bet everything is suddenly going to be ok.

When I met my husband, my daughter was 3(I was a single mom at the time). We got married a little over a year later. She was used to sleeping with me most nights - it was easier for me and more appealing to her. When my husband and I got married and moved in together, it started to be a problem. My husband and I really needed "our" time. I started a routine of reading before bedtime (in her bed) and then laying down with her for a while every night. It was really hard on me sometimes, but after a while she was fine with going to bed in her bed.

Now my daughter is 13, and we have a 7-year-old son. Hang in there; and definitely make time for your husband, too. Afterall, you have to take care of your marriage as well as your kids. It's tough sometimes, but you can do it!

One more thing - it might be a controversial issue with some, but I also found that having a TV/DVD in her room and playing a low-energy movie at bedtime seemed to ease her reluctance to stay in her room alone. We also used soothing music sometimes, too.

I won't go on any further. I hope this helps. Hang in there!

Maybe you could start the night off in his room and start to ween him off. His feelings are extremely important, but you also want to start your marriage off right so that your eight year old can have two stable parents. Maybe you can start to move your newborn in your sons room once he starts getting a little bigger and say to him, I need your help with your little brother or sister. Can you let mommy know when he or she wakes up etc. That way you can make it seem like he is helping you.

My husband and I have been married 3 1/2 years and he has a son from a previous marriage. We went through the same thing the first year we were married. It's going to take time!!!! My husband was always the one that felt bad for my stepson and would let him sleep in the same room with us. I was the one saying NO WAY!!! He was 6 yrs old at the time, and we had to slowly get him out of our bed!!! First we set up his room with things he picked out, the my husband would have to go to bed with him and slowly he started getting used to it. Believe me it takes time and patience. Now we have a baby of our own and he sleeps with us!!!! He's now 2 and we are doing the same with him. Your husband has to try and understand that it is a big adjustment for your son. I NOW realize that.