Parenting Teenagers When No Rules at Mom's & Dad's the Bad Guy

Hi T....
My husband and I have been together for 11 years. When we met he had custody of his daughter, then 6, and I had custody of my children, then 12, 7 & 6. They are now 23, 18, 18 & 17. So, I have lots of experience on these issues and have seen them 1st hand on both sides of the situation.

First and foremost... You CAN NOT control what he does at his moms. That is her visitation and she allows them to do is really none of your business. If he is breaking laws at his moms then she will have to suffer the consequences when he gets caught. My stepdaughter's mom allowed my stepdaughter to ride in a car with her stepdad even though he had his license taken away for medical reasons. Nothing we could do. My ex-husband allowed our children to be around someone that was court ordered to stay away from them but again, nothing I could do. You just have to learn that you can not control everything and deal with it. If she allows him to ride with another teen that got their license that day really it isn't your place to question that. How do you handle situations when he goes to a friends house? Do you call the parent and give them a list of rules? I am not saying that you shouldn't make sure that an adult will be present and that he is really staying there but you have to start giving him some freedom.

Second... If you are constantly bashing his mom, of course he is going to rebel against you. That is his mom! I don't like my ex-husband or my husbands ex-wife but we don't sit here and bash them or tell the kids that our rules/beliefs are superior to their other parents. You are playing with fire with that issue and you will end up the one getting burnt. Ease up on the mom a little and you may be surprised.

Third.... I am all for rules but he is 16. We enforced the law here about riding/driving with others in the car. We didn't really give curfews, on the weekends, just told them to be in at a decent time. Only twice have they challenged that and one of those times was just a few weeks ago. We had set rules on the weekdays that everyone would be home for dinner & would do their chores afterwards and cell phones were done at 11pm on the nights their was school the next day but could be on them whenever on nights there was no school in the morning. Just little things that make them know they are in control of their life goes a long way!

I hope this helps and/or makes sense. I hope that I have not offended you as that was not my intention. I just think that the more you try to tie them down the harder they will struggle for power. Good Luck!! If you have any comments/questions please feel free to write me.

The problem is that when he is at his mom's house it is her rules and not yours. If you have a problem with her rules or lack there of, you should take it up with her or try to get full custody. Trying to tell him what the rules are at his moms is just going to make him rebel against you. I've been a child of divorce since age two and have had various step parents along the way, and it is not an easy way to live. From his perspective he only gets to see his mom for weekends and then you and his dad come along and try to control that too. You and your husband need to coordinate with his mother on some universal ground rules and then stay out of it. It's not fair to him to send him to his mom's who is supposed to be his parent and undermine her authority and make him feel like she's a bad person. It's either her weekend or it's not and if she is too incompetent to be trusted with her own child for the weekend then you need to take her to court and have her parental rights taken away. Bottom line is the parents need to come together and hash this out then come to him as a united front, otherwise he's left to go back and forth choosing which rules he feels like following (and that is exactly what I used to do!)

Contact an attorney and proceed through the courts to take away the visitation or go for supervised visitation. The other option is to call Children's Services each time one of these events happen.

I guess all you can do is document all these instances, contact and attorney and take her back to court. You could contact the police if you know he is breaking curfew laws and have him picked up if you are positive he is out after curfew and have an approximate location. If you have enough evidence of her incompetence you could probably get her visitation reduced to supervised or maybe removed.

As for how to deal with him? You might try family counciling. All the rules in the world at home and a strict policy of taking away privelages there for broken rules while he is with you isn't going to stop him from not breaking them at his mom's if she doesn't enforce them.

I will pray for all of you.