Parenting Your Husband

Eh, it sounds like it's being a wife and not a parent. None of the movies showed us this part of being a wife!! Sneaky little Hollywood people!

I find I am a control freak. I have to know what's going on all the time...so I just handle things.

hehehehehehehehe! I have a fantastic husband, who is ...mostly self-sufficient. There just seem to be a few things he won't remember to do for himself. I remember one time I didn't "remind" him to get a hair cut for a long while, and he just didn't do it on his own. When he finally noticed that he was looking a bit like wolverine, he asked why I had let him go so long! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So now I remind him to go get hair cuts, and other little maintenance things like making his dentist/doctors appointments and such.
I will call it being a caring spouse. Seriously, if it just about his care, he will forget or get distracted by something he feels is more important.

i look at it this way. you are like the executive assistant.
in a company there is a president who is busy with tons of important things and they need an assistant to rmind them their kids soccer game is at 5, to book a hotel room, fill thier car with gas and so on...this is an important job
J. like you and your husband your both equals but when it comes to work he is busy with providing for the family...his time and mind are taken up by work, bills, kids, and so on he has less free time...so you're the right hand man to your family company...you hold down the fort and let him handle the big ticket items..both equally as important in diferent ways

thats J. my persepective

Yes. And I don't think of it as "Parenting your husband".

I think of it as helping your husband so he can worry about other things. As was mentioned earlier below, you are his LOVING executive assistant.

I help my wife and she helps me. I don't look at either side parenting the other. Its just showing love by your deeds. (":A friend in need is a friend in deed".)

Good luck to you and yours.

If it works for you and your husband then I wouldn't worry about it! Probably one of the reasons that he loves you is your ability to sweat the details.

I'm terrible at that myself and I marvel at my husband.

Sometimes it's good for us to marry strengths we need (imho).

I think it just makes you a loving caring wife JM. It's just NICE. I do it too.

It would only be parenting if you were grounding him for throwing his underwear on the floor and taking his cell phone away for texting at the dinner table.

I hope you are getting some appreciation for your care though.

:)

You sound exactly like me! I could have written your post word for word. Actually, I'm calling the dentist and doctor today to make appointments for him while he is sleeping cause he works 3rd shift. I don't feel like I'm parenting him as much as I'm helping him. He is so busy between work, kids, church, meetings, and lawn care and house maintence he doesn't have time to think about the little things...that I do think about! It doesn't bother him at all either, he thanks me for doing it!

I don't think it's parenting so much as it's just wife-ing.
As long as it does not irritate either of you it's fine.
This is probably the major reason married men live longer than single men on average and single women live longer than married women on average.
We take care of them and/or nag them to see doctors so things are caught early when they are more curable.
We nag because we care.
I tell my husband I expect an occasional random 'thank you' for prolonging his life and shortening mine.
But then he's a few years younger than me so it'll all work out in the end.

Well - my husband works his butt off too - and I do some of the things you list. I look at it as being his "personal assistant" rather than his "mommy".

He honestly does not have time to make his lunch (I'm usually in charge of meals at home - so I just pack his leftover lunch while I clean up the meal). I try hard to make sure it's something he doesn't have to think about so he can spend his free time thinking about the kids and playing/helping them. I too make him appointments and add them to his calendar. His job is demanding. He doesn't have time during his day to stop and make that phone call - so I do it for him. He works as much as 60 hours a week (generally M-F, he tries hard to get it all done then so he is free on the weekends)

I don't tell him what time to go to bed though - he can manage that himself.

If you change your attitude from being a Mommy for him to being an assistant, I think you'll see yourself in a better light :)

Good luck.

Like you, I take care of most of the house/kid stuff, plan/pack for trips, etc. but I do NOT have anything to do with his personal business. He makes his own appointments, decides when he goes to bed, and handles his own lunch. You are right, that IS like parenting, that would drive me crazy! I mean I married a full grown man who took care of himself for over ten years before he met me. Did your husband move right out of his parents' home into yours or something? Didn't he ever take care of himself?
Can you imagine if the roles were reversed and he was micromanaging you? Yikes! I don't think you'd like it ;)

You just described what a typical evening is like in our house too. Hubby works about 70 hrs/week, and also does speaking engagements in the evenings, so he doesn't do a thing at home (especially not for himself.) One of the reasons that we are a good match is that I am willing and able to do these things for him, joyfully, and he needs someone to care for him since he is too busy providing for us to take proper care of himself.

Every family is different. Our needs, responsibilities, capabilities, experiences, etc are all different, so as long as it is working for your family, don't put too much thought into how it compares to 90% of the other families out there.

I make all dentist, doctor, eye doctor, hair cut, etc........appointments for EVERYONE in the house. I just tell hubby where and when he needs to be there. If I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done.

I also make everyone's lunch and dinner everyday. I also work 50+ hours a week. If anything breaks, he fixes it. I guess we just fell into our roles. I don't mind. :)

I have found myself saying every single one of the things that you said. WHY IS THAT!?
My husband works two jobs and is a great father too, but doesn't really take care of himself.
I don't have any answer for you....just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone!
L.

I think all wives act this way sometime. If you are like this all the time, then maybe you are putting yourself in this position. Don't treat him like your kid. He's a grown man, remember. I think it's you assuming this role.

Are you sure we are not married to the same man? lol!

A grown man needs to make his own appointments and shouldn't have to be reminded to wipe up his mess or when to go to bed.

I call myself the "Family Executive Assistant"...

We each have or roles in the marriage and family. We adapt to different situations. He can do things for himself...so can I...sometimes it's easier for me to do it and others for him.

But I do have to take and refresh his shower towel every few days, or he would use it for weeks! he makes sure the sheets are cleaned weekly! He can't clean up his shavings in the bathroom and I have a bad habit of leaving clothes on the bathroom floor!

I think it's normal to some extent...not sure where the line is drawn though.

Mine has been like that for a LONG time. Last year I rebelled. I stepped back and stopped doing all that. When we went on a trip I made him pack his own stuff. He didn't pack sleeping stuff. I told him oh well. The next trip he remembered everything. I stopped nagging. Pretty much it was purely because I just didn't have it in me to do everything anymore. It caused major issues, which we have finally worked out. But I couldn't imagine another 40 years like this so it had to change, and sooner was better then later.

It depends (the control freak part). If you are reminding him of things and making appointments because of concern for his well being, that is being a caring spouse. If you are doing them b/c it irritates you that he hasn't, then it is more of a control thing.

I could say that our marriage is similar. But every relationship is going to be slightly different in the details, no matter how similar in general. Yes, I usually make my husband's doctor appointments. But only when he is sick, or on his way out the door for work and will be there during "working hours" all day. Why? Well, when he is sick, he doesn't feel like being on the phone. Duh. Me, either, if I am sick. And working hours? He doesn't work in an environment conducive to making personal calls and probably doesn't have the phone number handy.
But generally, he will schedule his physicals on his own. He has to have one for work every 2 years.

He is generally the one reminding ME that I should go to bed earlier, for my health. He doesn't pack for vacations..but he pulls out what he wants to take, and I get to organize it into something that will fit into the car. ;)

He isn't great about cleaning up after himself (cabinet doors are always left hanging open, contact lens solution boxes are left on his bathroom counter instead of tossed in the trash, etc)... and that annoys me sometimes. Most of the time I just remind myself that I chose a house plan with separate vanities for a reason. :) He doesn't do any of the kids' appointments, but I have always done them... that's kinda my job as a SAHM. He gets up at all hours and goes to work, week in and week out, to provide for us.
He will make his own lunch if I don't do it, but I don't mind doing it. And it makes his going off to work less hassle for him. He makes the coffee most of the time.

But, I also recognize that we have different strengths. Organizing--he is VERY organized about some things. Not very good at multitasking though. And I am. I am also very detail oriented, so scheduling orthodontist appts, allergy shot appointments, vet appointments etc in between bi-weekly karate classes for 2 kids (and adding volleyball this week) is something that I need to do. He isn't here to take them to any of this stuff anyway (he's at work)... so why would he be making appointments that will screw up my schedule?
I do all the grocery shopping, because I know what we are out of, and I am the one that consistently does it and therefore knows what a good "sale" actually is...despite the little signs that say "sale" when it really isn't a bargain. He tells me when he is almost out of this or that, and I add it to my list so I can find the best deal. (usually,I have a stash of it somewhere in the house already, so I just need to replace it the next time it goes on sale or I have coupons or whatever).

You have to look at the bigger picture. If I start telling my husband to pick up his shoes and his dirty clothes, then I sound like a nagging mom. Especially when MY shoes are in the floor too. And HE has started a load of laundry. (which I do, and he does, lol)
But if I am doing things because it makes SENSE then that is not being a control freak.

Maybe you should back off of the "make sure you take time to eat it" comments, though. :)

I would think about what he NEEDS to be reminded about and what he's capable of doing on his own. If you don't like the parent/child routine, you can change it. If he stays up late and is tired, is that really your problem? Even if he drinks energy drinks all day, that's his grown man choice. So I'd think about what is MOST important to you and focus only on those things.

All that said, I do manage quite a few things for us, because I can and someone needs to. So it's not the managing that might be the problem but the way it's presented. In our home, we all go to the same dentist, so it's not "you need to go to the dentist" it's "we all have an appointment on Thursday." We make each appointment at the time of the last one. So in that instance, could you change the focus? Make it less about him or make things less about what you don't think he's capable of?

JM, I understand what you're saying. I have done this with doctor appointments in the past when we were on vacation and not told him where we were going. It makes him mad that I've made an eye appointment for him during his time off, but glaucoma runs in his family and it's important to have him monitored, and he won't ever get the appointment made without a "problem" with his vision. (If he were to get glaucoma, by the time he would realize there was a "problem", that sight would already be lost for good...)

Anyway, I stopped getting appointments otherwise for him because I can no longer do it. He has a computerized schedule that must be looked at while on the phone making an appointment because of conference calls, meetings, business trips, etc. Instead, what I have endeavored to do is have a family network of doctors who are wonderful to work with - every time we move, I spend a great amount of time working on this, and I've been pretty happy with the network I have come up with, for the most part. That way, he can get help if something happens, like when he got an eye infection while I was out of town with the kids (loved it when he called me while I was driving across Ohio and said "Honey, who is our eye doctor?" Boy, did warning bells clang in my head! I said "What did you do to your eye!!!" LOL! Turned out he was cutting branches out of the tree and something fell in it and scratched his cornea...") And then there's the time that a spot on his leg turned into a systemic infection that covered his lower leg in just a weekend's time before a business trip. My dermatologist's office knew me and my kids, and got him in there with no notice because of our relationship, gave him massive antibiotics and an injection, and the doctor gave him his personal phone number so that he could talk to the hospital if my husband ended up getting worse while he was out of state.

JM, no amount of being "mom" for my husband is going to work as far as this is concerned. I'm NOT his mom. I don't control his schedule. I can't make him eat right or exercise. He has to do that on his own (and he does pretty good, by the way.) Since I don't badger him about it, when he comments about things, I remind him that if he didn't wait to find a dentist when his tooth is broken (like he did a year ago) and yes, my dentist's office brought him in as a favor to my and my kid's business with them, that he would have regular checkups. That has actually helped in getting him to manage his own health - me not being willing to do all the work for him on an ongoing basis.

As your husband gets older, he won't be able to keep up the late night stuff and the energy drink stuff. You can tell him, but he won't listen until it gets to be too much. If I were you, I'd quit trying. He's a grown man, not a child. I think that when we baby our husbands too much, they tend to act more like children.

Also, when you take all his responsibility at home away from him just because he goes out and works, you are affording him all this time to watch TV and stay up late. If you actually made him responsible for stuff at home, maybe he would change this dynamic. Remember, if you ended up in the hospital or God forbid, dead, he wouldn't know how to do ANYTHING because you never expected him to. That would be devastating for your family.

My point is not to be a "mom" to him at all. He is supposed to be in a partnership, but a partnership doesn't mean doing everything for him just because he works more outside the home than you do.

Dawn

I think Victoria W. has interpreted the situation very well, based on the information you gave us. I feel the same way you do as well but I am also guilty of doing other things but it is easier to see my husband's faults first and not my own which is not fair. I feel that for the most part guys do not see things the way we do and messiness does not bother them. So if they are not bothered by it then they don't see the need to do extra work such as make the bed in the morning. Which I don't like to either. I will make the bed like once a week when I clean the room :)

I think I have a marriage like this too...but I don't nag as much. He told me not to treat him as a child, but he always thinks his needs should come before the kids, which is very hard for me. If he asks me to make him an appointment, I'll do it but only if he asks. I learned the hard way that nagging does not work so I treat him like a husband not a child. I am afraid to treat him like a child because he would view me as a mother not a wife. I rather treat him like an adult so he sees me as an equal. Of course, I also like him to view me as a sex machine...that's why I tend to back off not treating him like a child. It's hard...because before the kids it wasn't a problem, but now he sees me as a mom I think its hard for him to shake off that image. I can't wait until my kids grow up so we can spend more time with each other...I don't want us to grow apart. I love being a mom, but I never knew how much work went into it until I actually became one. date night does help a lot too.