Parents Want to Stay Home on Christmas

My husband's Grandmother got to be like that in the last year or two of her life. But she was in her 90's. No one made Grandma do anything that she did not want to do. The get togethers were usually at one of her daughter's houses that lived down the street. People would just pop in and visit with Grandma for a few minutes throughout the day.

My mother in law is somewhat like that. Her and my husband have a very different relationship. She rarely visits and it is even more rare for him to visit her.

She passes through Vegas 4 times a year and never stops to say hi. There are time she calls and says she will stop and then doesn't but, lately doesn't even mention she is stopping.

If we go her direction, I will mention we should stop and my husband says no.

When my little one was born, she said she had too many grandparents and should just call her by her first name.

I guess for Christmas she extended her welcome to us, but my husband must have declined. She was understandably upset, but he didn't seem to care and didn't care to discuss it.

I know they were civil with one another on the phone the other day. The relationship is something I don't understand.

And yes, she has told me I make too much of a fuss over my daughter's birthday.

I know of an older person who really can not handle the fast movement of children. he is actually not that old (early 60's), but it has become worse for him as he ages.

Yes my parents do that. They did that last year and sadly it was after my mother talked me into doing Christmas for twentyone people! we happily obliged but she got her predictable diarrhea which she does for almost everything.My stepfather stayed with her. she however has done that over the years for a number of things, didn't go to my son's wedding an hour away, didn't come last year (twelve minutes away from our house-no problem to pick up or drop off) and she has missed a shower for my nieces twins after she said she'd go. it is very disappointing. This year I am having Christmas again, less people, but my son is driving in from colorado and my mother called and wanted to know if she was invited!! of course I told her, but mentioned that she doesn't come anyway. It is disappointing when I see my other friends or family members with older relatives who come, but she has never been very motherly anyway so I expect her not to come and will be surprised if she does. I have accepted it, too, but makes me sad. And by the way, they do go to her husband's family's house for things...go figure. I just try to follow my own advice and forgive, forgive and try to have a good time visiting at another time. Merry Christmas to you! I REALLY understand

This happens a lot to families. People have aches & pains, they have hearing problems, they can't stand the noise an hoopla. They worry about tripping over kids, and about their stuff getting broken. They really don't want to fix a lot of food or even clean the house for "company."

It's okay. I know it's not what you want, but one day you will feel that way perhaps!

What I would do is divide up very brief visits with different segments of your family visiting them - go for an hour with gifts, and expect oohing form them in terms of food or entertainment. One family can go Christmas Eve, another Christmas Day, another the day after. Just "drop off some gifts" and wish them well.

They've raised their kids to function on their own. They've let you leave the nest, and they want to enjoy the nest a little in peace. They've done 50 or 60 or 70 years of Christmases, and they are tired.

If you haven't dealt with chronic pain or the accumulation of various medications, it may be hard to understand the way these things change personalities and sap energy. It might be a good time to get in touch with your parents' doctors (if they will allow it) if you think there are factors like drug interactions or depression affecting their morale and outlook. If they are unhappily reclusive, that's bad. If they are happily reclusive and slowing down, that's okay.

It's hard to accept that there comes a time when the kids (you and your siblings) grow up and become the parents, taking on the entertaining role for yourselves and your own children. Your parents really stop playing that role of matriarch & patriarch, and of organizers of (and even participants in) the bustling activities that seemed to please them all those years. It's a hard reality but sometimes it's the natural evolution. If the baton has been passed to you, accept it and run with it.

Being 71, I understand it. Fortunately, i'm in good health with very few aches and pains. I enjoy family at Christmas. I now stay away from school carnivals and the mall this week. Whether or not we can socialize at this age is very much dependent on our health and experiences and emotions.

I suggest your parents may be depressed in addition to health concerns. I also suggest they may be ashamed of the condition they find themselves in. I rarely invite people to my house because I used to be a real good housekeeper and I'm no longer even close to keeping a neat house. They definitely have less tolerance for noise and chaos. Getting older frequently lessens our ability to be flexible.

I didn't understand this in my youth. I was disappointed when my parents slowed down. My parents were open with me about specific health problems. They regularly saw a doctor so I knew that they had definite health conditions that caused them to not want to leave home or be in a large group. They continued to be involved with phone conversations. I knew they loved me.

I suggest family spend time with them with just a few at a time. Spread Christmas over a couple of weeks or as they can tolerate it. Drop in on them from time to time without making previous arrangements to see how they are from day to day. Perhaps each adult child with their children visit after Christmas and spend a short period time with them. Or just the adult children without the rest of the family visit. Take pictures and letters or pictures from grandchildren in case they're interested. My Dad enjoyed my daughter. My mother didn't. Both had very little energy with which to cope.

I suggest it's time to make new traditions.

If my parents lived 20 minutes away, I guess I'd see them so often that missing a holiday wouldn't be such a big deal.

My parents (in their mid 60s), who live in Japan, usually come visit us for Christmas. It's a 20hr trip to come here and when they get here, the weather is super cold, they have to spend half their time with me and then half their time at my sister's (thus packing and moving houses), deal with my 3 kids and then deal with my very active niece. They love it, but last year, I could tell it was exhausting for them. They told us they wouldn't come this year and I was fine with that. My kids have only ever had 1 Christmas without their grandparents (when my mom injured her back and couldn't travel), so this year will be a new tradition they'll have to get used to.

I'll admit, I'm not much in the Christmas spirit this year and it's partly because I know I'll miss my folks. But this is what's best for THEM and so I will deal with it. We'll celebrate with my sister and her family and it'll be low-key and nice.

I envy those who have parents who live 20 minutes away...

They aren't staying away from the family. You said yourself that they want to see you all but not all at once. You are not them. They are not you. Just because it's "low key" to you doesn't mean they are experiencing the gathering in the same way. They're old, and uncomfortable, and it's stressful for them to be in a big gathering.

They want to see everyone a bit at a time. As them how they'd like to manage the visits, how many people at a time or comfortable, how many per day. Then coordinate it.

Think of it as like visiting someone in the hospital - you don't want a huge group swooping down because it's just too much. But if a few people come and spend a bit of time, and then later a few come - it can be entertaining and energizing.

There really is nothing to "cope" with. You honor their wishes and try to make them as comfortable as possible. You and your brother can get together and if your parents would like, bring small groups in shifts for quick visits. Keep the kids at their best behavior and bring the folks some food. They may have some crowd anxieties that come along with their health issues and you need to be sensitive to that.

Sometimes life changes due to health issues and aging. Adult children do not always see the changes but several times a year when they visit the parents if they live in another town or state.

I recently had surgery and in the healing stage. Our son decided to come down for Thanksgiving after his plans had changed. My home was upside down due to recovery and I did not feel up to cleaning. Hubby has health issues and informed him that they would have to spend time at a hotel or motel this round on their dime. Grandson could stay with us as a break from dad and mom. Grandson could be a kid and just enjoy the grandparents by himself which he did.

As for energy it takes a lot of you when you are sick or recovering from major surgery that you don't realize until it happens. All you want to do is rest and be with one or two people who will not upset the applecart as children well natured can do. Many older people have the knickknacks of yesteryear spread around the home and if the grands are not used to them they want to touch everything. Anxiety goes up with your parents especially if they are from the Depression Era where things were not plentiful and you saved what you had and took care of it to the end.

It has nothing to do with you it has to do with them and what they have established as a routine in life. The kids are grown and gone and they can do or not do what they want and they do not have to answer to you as to why they do what they do.

Generational gap or not they are not interested in the latest gadgets or electronics as they come from a time when they were not. It sounds as if the baton has been passed on to you to continue the holiday festivities. You and your brother can now do the holidays every other year. Do invite mom and dad over and they will come if they feel up to it. Life for them has a different meaning and they have been there, done that, and got all the t-shirts. They are in a different "season" of life.

One day you will understand this. Your parents are adults that had separate life desires and dreams before you kids came along and now they are doing and enjoying what they want without the worry of kids under foot.

Accept that they love you both dearly but have a different agenda now.

Happy holidays.

the other S.

PS We are going to my daughter's for Christmas and I want to go very much but would rather stay home and enjoy doing what I want and sleeping in my own bed and being by myself to get some projects done while I am off from work for two weeks with pay. So yes, I understand where your parents are coming from. Hubby has medication that he has to take at certain times and can eat after one or two hours after taking them and he sometimes confuses the times. Getting older has been an eye opening experience of good and bad.

My parents divorced when I was a kid, so I grew up having more than one Christmas celebration in more than one location. My husband's parents are also divorced. Christmas is what and when you make it, the date on the calendar isn't important.

What your parents are asking seems completely normal to me. Just arrange an alternate time to visit them to celebrate.

It's interesting that you didn't mention depression until the SWH addition. When I read the original post, my first thought was, maybe mom and dad have depression going on. And it turned up in the SWH.

Can you respect them for telling you frankly and early that they feel overwhelmed by the whole family there at once? They could have kept their mouths shut and hosted and been miserable for the sake of the appearance of a perfect family holiday. To what end? Because "other families do a lot more of that" than yours does, and you wish they would be less low-key because it's what you want?

Can you step outside your own emotion and personal disappointment about what "other grandparents" do at the holidays and re-frame this to accommodate mom and dad, who are after all the elders here? The way the post and SWH are written, the holiday disappointment is about your own blues at the folks not wanting to see everyone, all at once. Why not think about in terms of, "I get it, a group IS overstimulating and it would actually be more enjoyable to them if bro goes over alone to spend some time with them one day over the holidays; maybe bro's family goes for a short time at some point; maybe my family comes but does not stay in their house and keeps the visit short and does things with brother's family the rest of each day we're there," and so on..

If you want to see them, it may be time to adjust to what works best for them, and not what everyone seems to expect and what other families do or don't do. Bear in mind -- you still have them. My own parents are long gone, and my husband's dad just died. Your folks are still there and you say "I understand who my parents are" but you also seem to want them to change. Many of us would be glad to say, yeah, let's ramp back the crowd and keep it low-key. If their depression would be aggravated by stimulation, why not find a way to celebrate that is less likely to aggravate it?

Don't forget, too, to have some time alone with your own parents as their adult child, without your own kids and spouse there. They may really covet some time alone with you and alone with your brother. That's not a slam at the grandkids but a possible reflection of the fact they just might like to see their own children one on one. Ask.

My parents haven't, but I have. I LOVE being home with just my small family on holidays. We have no family nearby and I've grown to love our quiet, casual holidays. I'd much rather see each person at a time and pace of our choosing - those huge gatherings don't really allow for conversation, and if your parents have any hearing difficulty, gatherings like that can be torture.

I would send them a present or flowers and visit them later. I don't begrudge them that desire for peace one bit!

I've seen this with many elderly.
Lots of young people/kids, the noise, the running around, the general hubbub - some elderly want nothing to do with it - especially great grand parents.
They are not interested in the electronics, the video games, the tv/shows/sports, they can't stand what passes for music the kids like, the toys are bewildering.
The kids are not interested in hearing stories about how the elderly walked to school uphill both ways barefoot in the snow when they were kids.
Gatherings like this are NOT enjoyable for them - it's an ordeal.
Many just turn their hearing aids off if they have a choice.
The kids and them can't relate to each other - and often they don't want to.

You cope by being ok with them not wanting to be present at your gathering.
If they want a phone call, then call them, send them a card, or drop by their house for a quiet visit (just you) on their terms.

My Mom lives far away from us - but she likes a getting a call on holidays and birthdays - and she is perfectly happy and content with this.
My sister was into visiting her during the holidays and my Mom just hated it.
Fortunately my sister quit doing that, and my Mom is so relieved!

Additional:
While it's true SOME of this might be called depression - not every case is.
Usually it's a matter of big family get together s are just NOT ENJOYABLE for the elderly.
The youngsters are NOT the focus of their lives anymore.
You are missing the point.

Yes, as my parents and grandparents and various relatives got older and more ill, they needed to socialize less. Sometimes only showing up to big reunions for an hour or not coming, sometimes asking people not to come visit. I also have an elderly friend who would often cancel visits if she was under the weather.

It's not odd. I'm young and healthy and socializing exhausts me :)

My ILs are in their 80s and sometimes getting them out of their home is like pulling teeth from a mule. I would have a gathering with your brother and then arrange for each of you to individually bring your children over later for a holiday gathering with the grands. I think they are not saying "don't come" but "don't all come at once". We have an "in-law Christmas" and then the big shindig with my side, so it's not so overwhelming. My MIL and FIL live 15 mins from us and we will see them on the 28th. My MIL had a stroke a few years ago, and my FIL has his own ailments and between them, they have a small pharmacy. He can't hear well and she can't see, so what is "low key" for me is a lot of work for them.

aw, i'm sorry. and i think you're awesome for accepting this calmly and not getting all butt-hurt or taking it personally.
the older i get, the harder it is to do big ol' gatherings of any sort, and your folks have a couple of decades on me. i can see it becoming too overwhelming at some point. i'm not depressed at all, just very, very introverted. i love it when my boys come home, and i still very much enjoy our three Big Events per year (the 4th of july family picnic, thanksgiving and christmas) which we host, but i collapse afterwards.
since mumsie died, my dad has chosen to spend christmases in CA just with his girlfriend. she sets my teeth on edge, so i'm fine with that. and with mumsie's loss, i can see my family starting to drift. only 2 brothers are coming to my place for christmas this year, and no nieces. i'm okay with that too. my main focus on christmas is my own husband and sons, and i can make time to visit or have lunch with anyone else during the season.
in your situation i'd accept it gracefully, and go visit them during the week before or after. since they live so close to you i can see you being a bit taken aback that they don't even want a visit on that day, but maybe bringing in lunch on boxing day?
are they being treated for their depression?
happy holidays, my dear. i hope you have a wonderful one despite your parents' absence.
khairete
S.

After reading your question and the responses, my heart aches for you. I would feel the same way. I guess I've been blessed...my great-grandmother-in-law and great-grandmother were the centers of our family gatherings until they passed away at 94 and 92, respectively, and my parents and in-laws are all in their late 60's/early 70's and would go bananas if they weren't a central part of our holiday plans.

Of course we help with as much of the hosting duties as we can when they host, bringing dishes and doing all of the clean up, etc. I, too, would be shocked and saddened if they told us to not come over, and would be pretty down about thinking about them spending the day alone.

I think that as the others suggested, you need to meet them where they are and come up with other ways to spend time with them and share some holiday spirit in a way that doesn't overwhelm or exhaust them. It's just where they are in life right now.

Your comments on depression are interesting and made me think...looking at my own family, most cases of depression have been with one spouse (usually a husband), who has pre-deceased his wife. Looking back, the wives were usually the ones driving the holidays and the husband were often off napping or watching TV in another room, probably doing their best to tune out and cope with all of the noise and activity. I can see how without a well partner to run interference and provide a buffer, it would be easier to stay home.

They have endured far more xmas' than you have and at some point, yes, it all gets to be too much. You only live 20 minutes from them so I assume you see a fair amount of each other. If it weren't for the fact that I'm raising a grandchild, I would also just skip it. You'll understand better when you get there in life. For now, just accept it and do your own thing.

My widowed MIL prefers to stay home.
We will, of course, spend part of the day with her, but as she puts it, she's "more comfortable in and getting around her own home."
We've gotta respect that.
She's welcome here, of course, but ultimately, it's her decision.

Christmas doesn't have to be celebrated on the exact day. Maybe your brother and you can go different days and celebrate with them while the tree is still up and the holiday cheer is still here. My ex inlaws didn't care about us or their only grandkids and they were 10 minutes from us, if even. They just were not social, even with family. Don't take it personally. Good luck.

Not exactly the same but my mom has started with Christmas is too much...hasn't had a tree for 10 years...started asking me to fix the dish she always used to bring to dinner at my aunts...had me pick out presents for my kids...that turned into me wrapping her gifts for the kids...and just this year. Had me buy my own gift..and guess what! I have to wrap that too.....

I mean I get it...I don't love all the hassle involved in the commercial part of Christmas...but is nothing sacred...sometimes u just need to suck it up and do it even if it is easier to push all of it off on your daughter....I hope I don't act like that when I am older...but it's tempting.

My parents when older had hearing issues. Big groups made it hard to follow conversations. So they were isolated from the group conversations and then everyone would sit next to them one at a time and they would basically have the same conversation multiple times. It just was not fun for them. Plus introverts versus extroverts experience the same thing differently, perhaps they are not as outgoing as you. On top of that being older is just more tiring. Add all that together and I can fully understand why they would rather see family in small doses. Make them happy. When they are gone you are going to wish you could see them on any terms.

I would go ahead and have a family Christmas but have it either your brothers place or yours. Invite the parents and let them know that without a doubt they can come and stay for an hour or so then leave. Since they wouldn't be hosting they wouldn't have to do so much.

If they still don't want to come then you and brother just have to accept they are thinking about their health and the exposure to everyone and how stressful everything can be. Is there any way that something happened last year that they just don't want to talk about? Any hard feelings?