Picking Battles with Husband

I think the best thing you can do is tell him. There are always ways to be diplomatic when it comes to these situations. Just tell him that while you understand that he might be sore from something you just don't want to hear him complain about it every single day. Understand though, that people not just men are going to complain sometimes. Maybe there is something going on, maybe he should get to the doctor.

I wonder if he is complaining.........or trying to give you a hint for a sensual massage. Like I tell my hubby that my back itches, and I ask him to scratch it, because I don’t want to say, “come to bed with me now” LOL. I just love when his hands rub my bare back. And that is just my “hint” to him that I want “something” more. Maybe he is really asking for something else and he just doesn’t know how to ask. OR he could just be a whiner, in which case offer him a back rub to pacify him.

I'm going to go out on a limb and be the one to offer different advice.

It is very possible he's being whiny and a little vain. But, it's also very possible that after all the years of being a high-level athlete, he's had some degenerative wear on his joints that is truly causing pain, perhaps arthritis. It's one thing to complain, and it's a different thing to do something about it.

We have the opposite problem in our house. After the birth of our second child, I was diagnosed with cancer, and I freak out everytime something abnormal happens. It could be a sore ankle, and I worry the cancer is now in my bones.

My husband has gained almost 60 lbs since we got married, and it's been horribly unattractive to me. We'll all have times when we won't like or be attracted to our spouses as well, but we made vows, and we never know what the future holds. In our case, we've been lucky so far to have beaten cancer, but it could come back any day, so we try to look past the difficulties and focus on the good things.

WOW! I totally hear you. Nothing is more attractive than a brave, tough guy, and this is seriously annoying. My mom is married to a man who is now 75 years old and has always played tirelessly with his tons of grandkids, including mine. He moves stiffly and needs to go to bed early, but for god sakes, he's 75. He never complains. Recently, I asked him to change an overhead light fixture when they were visiting and my husband was gone, because he always wants to help with building stuff, and he was a construction worker his whole life. He said couldn't do it because of the fixture, and later that night SECRETLY, my mom told me-and she was breaking his trust by doing so-about the excruciating pain he is in from various problems, which he does not let hinder him, but he's not able to lift his arms over head etc. I WAS BLOWN AWAY TO HEAR HOW MUCH PAIN HE WAS IN FOR SO LONG AND NEVER COMPLAINED!!! He was bending over working in the garden every day while watching 5 young kids and helping them to help AND playing outdoor games with them etc.-he's more physical with them than their younger parents! And surprise surprise, none of his macho sons or grandsons think complaining is OK. My husband is also really good about not being wimpy, I'm WITH you on the unattractiveness of that, and I SYMPATHIZE.
OK, but THAT SAID, your poor hubby has no idea how annoying it is.
It is a habit. He wasn't raised to feel that was wrong. Just the way some ladies complain about their weight or their looks, or this and that, they keep people's attention by pointing out their misery. And if no one speaks, up, they won't know they are annoying. And they definitely won't know how deeply disgusted their partner may be getting.
Yes, his pain is legitimate, but you're right, his handling of it in the way of complaining can change. BUT, you can't just speak up. BEWARE THE MALE EGO.
If I were you, I would start by thinking of some extra nice things you can do for him (you're buttering him up, don't worry, this isn't a reward for bad behavior) For a few days, when he complains, don't react. If there is a special massage gadget, or joint supplement, or scented candle bath thingy you can find to be THOUGHTFUL, to show you do know he's hurting and you care (I know you've probably done this for years, but find something new to do to show thoughtfulness). Give him some massages and then get ready for the "talk".
The talk needs to be at a time he is receptive, maybe a special dinner out where "you" need to talk, and it needs to be 95 percent specific genuine praise for him. Tell him how lucky you feel to have such a handsome husband, praise how his body has taken knocks for his awesome athleticism and how you admire his strength (even though he's being wimpy). Compliment his parenting and any other truly good things you can think of, then let him know that YOU have a problem with YOURSLEF, and it's not his fault, because you know it's TRUE, and you feel AWFUL, but YOU are having trouble with his complaining (because you feel powerless to help, not because it's annoying) and it's giving you stress. Don't tell him you're sexually turned off whatever you do. Make up some issue of yours that doesn't let you process the whining properly, so you wonder if he could help YOU with YOUR problem by trying his hardest to be stoic. Then go back to praising stuff. By now he may be apologizing etc, so puff up his ego again. He does sound like a great guy, and you are aware it's the only problem and you're right, you're lucky.
THEN, you should offer him a proposition, that if he can go the whole day without mentioning his pain, that night you will (fill in favorite reward here). Take it day by day, and rather than let him suffer in silence, actually ASK him a few times how his pain is and if he's feeling OK, and PRAISE HIM for being so tough, because you know he hurts. This may head off the complaining without him feeling neglected. You may be able to nudge the habit away this way day by day, when he sees you happier and complimenting him for being strong.
Good luck to you!

i dont know how to help you here.my husband complains everyday how much pain he is in...but my husband straightens cars on a frame machine all day so im sure his body is hurting.in the past 3 years he broke(and tore ligaments) in his ankle,tore his shoulder,dislocated his back and his knee...so i know when he comes home from work and sits down on the couch that his body is beaten up and hurting because he breaks his back to give us the world(i think he works a little to hard personally).i would say if your husband is doing something strenuous everyday and has prior injuries and he is legitimately hurting then its your job to try and support him.even if it drives you nuts lol!i don't want to always hear my hubby complain about his pain but i just do my best to support him and i sometimes change the subject to distract him lol.as far as the dumping your previous boyfriends when the manlyness disappears i can understand that.my husband is a manly man..like a little overboard.he goes out in the woods kills a deer brings it home butchers it cooks it builds stuff rides dirt bikes motorcycles has muscle cars so thank god his manliness isnt going anywhere.good luck to you just try to figure out if all his complaining is for real tell him to go to the dr if he is hurting so much!

It's not silly. It looks like he's looking for attention, and attention getting can be very annoying and comes in many patterns. Yeah - people may say there can be bigger problems, but this is yours and it means something to you. 1) does he know how much it bothers you, and he keeps doing it? 2) Is there something really physically wrong (ie - are his aches and pains real and he's seen a doctor but just won't make the step to 'cure' it)? If he 'cure's his pains, then he won't complain and won't get the attention he needs - ugly circle.
If you haven't called him out on his complaining, do so now - you don't have to be harsh. You're not being cold, you're just annoyed at the whining. No one likes a whiner - at two or 42 (or whatever age).

I can totally relate! Oh my gosh...sounds like my husband. We too have been married 5 years & lately he too complains EVERYDAY about how his body is sore/aches something always hurts! One day it's his feet, or his back, it goes on & on. My husband works very hard in construction & he wasn't like this before. I don't really have advice because I get frustrated with him too. I mean I hurt sometimes too but I don't remind him daily. It gets old. He's seen doctors & he is as healthy as can be. I agree that it might be they just need attention. Maybe we should try to be more understanding? I don't know but I hope we both have the strength to love complaining hubbys :)
E.

I sort of went through this with my husband. Once our son was born he went through this jealousy phase- much like an older sibling would with the baby.
What used to be conpletely his- your boobs, body and brain- are now shared with a little baby, and chances are that baby gets most of all of these (which is completely normal and healthy)!
It may take awhile, but try to include in him in things when you do things with your baby, and you should probably sit down and have a very honest chat with him about what you're feeling. The key to making things work is open honesty- and it sounds like you desperately need to let some of your feelings out to him.
Remember, he's a little jealous and probably feels ignored and abandoned. Normal feelings yes, but not healthy feelings if he wants to have a wonderful relationship with you his wife and your child together.
Good luck, momma.

Hi, D.:
First of all, don't apologize for how you are feeling. You have identified a real issue that is challenging you.

You are experiencing an overt disgusted block in your intimacy. Look at The Drama Triangle by Karpman. You will need help to educate your husband about the changes that you feel towards him. You sound like you need therapy in transactional analysis to deal with social intimacy in your own way. Relational therapy explores the inner transferences, suppressions, and resistances that one or the other in the relationship goes through. How to find help in this regard, look on the web for Therapist who do Transactional Analysis like that promoted by Stephen B. Karpman.

Good luck. D.

I wouldn't want to listen to it either!! My husband suffers from chronic headaches but isn't willing to do anything about it. He always says that he's "tried everything"....whatever. I tell him to go to the doc or keep his mouth shut. You shouldn't have to listen to his negativity! He is only exacerbating his problems by constantly acknowledging them. He can focus on the pain, which will not make it go away or he can focus on other positive things. The pain probably won't change but at least with a positive attitude he is only in physical pain and not emotional pain as well. The other thing I would add is that chronic pain without injury could be a result of mild depression. It could also be a zillion other medical things that can be discovered with a simple blood test.
You could remind him that the world revolves around the sun!!

I think the key here is to sit down and talk about this with your husband. Tell him that it bothers you and that you want him to take action to reduce his pain, not endlessly talk about it. I used to complain about my weight when I was a kid, and I went ON and ON. Finally one day my dad said, "Well if it bothers you, then lose weight!" It was a little harsh, but it made me quit talking about it and do something.

I think when you get him to take some action, you will be attracted all over again. It is true, most ladies want a take charge kind of a man, and this complaining with no action and no end in sight, is a turn off. Hang in there, and talk with him about it! Best of luck!

Great comments on here some made me laugh outloud.

I agree your husband is getting on MY nerves just reading about how he complains all the damn time. You are probably doing all the housework and then have to hear that, he's basically telling you that he is too sick to do anything so don't bother him, i think that's the annoying part. Perhaps he has true pains perhaps he is exaggurating, what i do know is if you are disgusted by him to where he can't even touch your hand - then that's a deeper concern.
You need to see a third party a ,counselor before you blow up in his face.

Well this would be an issue of yours, but not him.
Since you recognize your tendencies to get turned-off with men who need attention or for anyone who complains, as you said.

Perhaps, maybe you can get counseling?
I'm sure your Husband must feel some coldness from you and likely this will cause other problems in the relationship.

Everyone "ages" and their body changes. You married him when he was no doubt in good physical looks and condition. This appealed to you. NOW, he is experiencing NORMAL physical aches and pains. As a result of his sports life. Normal.

He is probably "complaining" about his aches, because he needs attention, which he is not getting from you. Have you talked to him about it? Perhaps suggest he see a Doctor for his aches and pains... and to get help for it.

What will happen, as the years go by, and IF he needs actual medical or physical help... because he cannot do certain things because of his aches and pains??? Will you be willing to help him, since you are his spouse?

In any relationship, there has to be a middle ground and a person should feel 'safe' in talking about their problems to each other. That is what a marriage is. If you tell him NOT to talk about his physical ailments, what then? Do you want to know about his physical health? Or not? As the years go by, everyone ages and gets old and their looks changes and their needs too. HOW will this fact of life affect you? AND your marriage?

If you don't like men when their "manly-ness" disappears... then how will you cope when he gets older, and does not look like when you married him or dated him years ago?

So, you (1) don't like his complaining and whining and, (2) you don't like when men are not "manly" anymore. So 2 issues.

All people, men or women, all get vulnerable too at times... and need support emotionally from their partners. So how will you come to terms with that? What if it were you, who was having a change in your physical abilities and looks? Would you want a man who only wanted you to look young and supple all the time and to never complain about anything, or to need him?

You chose him as a Husband... and there are always going to be times, when our Spouse is not all that we ideally wish for. So the trick is to see them as human. Because even we women are not always so beautiful or perfect either.

All the best,
Susan

I think you need to be honest with your husband and probably get some marital counseling. Although you are thankful you don't have bigger problems maybe your husband doesn't realize what bigger problems are. But, no, you are not a cold person - it would drive me crazy also!

Is it possible his pain is getting him down and that's why hes super negative? I would watch for that.

Hi, I don't know how close you are to the PA/NJ border, but I want to reccomend an AWESOME pain management Dr for your husband, as I got the impression that your husband might really be suffering and in need of some lasting help. His name is Dr David Kim and his business is called Pain Management Soulutons, Inc. in Morrestown NJ. He has a website.

He even has patients who travel from Maine, he is that good. He is great, doesn't have a big ego, gives you the tools to beat your pain, especially pain that arises from muscles compensating after a surgery such as the one your husband had.

He helped me get rid of pain that I had come to believe I would have to live with for the rest of my life. We found out about him after a co-worker saw him on Dateline.

Hope this reccomendation may be of some help for you.

I am right with you. i married a younger guy super good looking. But he whines about EVERYTHING. Not just his body but EVERYTHING. It's a huge turn off to me too. i like a manly man.

Hi D., "Sporty" people can and do suffer a lot of body pains as they get older and continue to push themselves like they are still 20 somethings. I suggest you call your Doctor and make him an appointment for a complete check-up (blood tests and all!). Tell him he has to go if he resists because you can't stand him being in pain one more moment...much less hearing about it! If he hurts so much that he continually whines then he NEEDS to see the Doctor. If you can, talk to your Doctor BEFORE he sees your hubby! You really can't take any actions or make any decisions about your relationship until you know that he is either fine or has some problems that need treatment. It maybe that he is feeling left out/ignored and this is how he is seeking attention from you...and the more you pull away the more he reacts this way...which puts you in the middle of a vicious circle/cycle that you need to stop. It's hard, being on the other side....I worry about making my hubby crazy with all my health issues. I have knee & back problems and am fighting diabetes and depression and there are times when I can't even stand myself...and I cry just because I don't want to complain and I want to do so much with my girls that I can't do because it's all I can do to make it through a short shift at work or down the stairs in the morning. Hang in there...Best wishes.