Please Help - Woodbridge,VA

You have my sympathy!!! My 15 yo stepson is EXACTLY the same way. He "forgets" everything that is important to us or inconvenient for him but nothing that he enjoys (interestingly enough)! Also has a lot of problems with telling the truth. He lives with us FT - has always - sees Mom every other weekend unless she gets a wild hair and cancels (which is happening more and more often not that we mind). It's a nightmare when he comes home - so disprespectful to me b/c he has been bossing his mom around all weekend. Same situation - no rules, no baths, no toothbrushing, eat sweets, junk, soda non-stop, etc., etc. Honey, I wish you the best b/c I have yet to find a solution! We've tried everything from counseling, punishment, meds...you name it...nothing has worked yet.

WoW! What I write might make you upset, but, imagine two other children, who have taken her place, and then she is shifted from house to house, one where rules are strict and one where there are none... Imagine where she is entering puberty or there alreadyh, lost between three or four adults, who are just, not seeing she is hurting... Only thing, telling anyone of you adults, might, bring further anger, because she probably doesnt feel safe, since every adult have their own persnal agner, pain, or reasons to dislike the other, and her is a child lost in all that parental muck... It is great you asked, but, are ANY of you REALLY ready for how she feels... I think the best place for her is counseling where she CAN TALK OPENLY, HONESTLY, AND LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH ALL THE PARENTAL AND SIBLING ISSUES... bECAUE IT SOUNDS LIKE THE PARENTS NEED TO GIVE HER LESS RULES, AND MORE COMPASSION, SHE WENT THROUGH A DIVORCE, TOO! Yes, she needs to bathe, eat, etc. but, what does she get for the efforts she makes that are POSITIVE? sometimes, parents focus on the NEGATIVE, which tends to send the child into a negative spiral... Try changing the methods, and asking her what could she do to make her life easier, since you want a independent, loving, considerate, responsible, accountable child, not an example for anyone, but herself! Allow her time to express with respect (though anger might come out, do not focus on the sound, but the words, she might be hurting, and lsot) Dad needs to set with ex-wife, and discuss positive methods to help THEIR daughter to be more supported and guided in both homes, not just one... If Mom, can't comply, maybe then a parental visitation, might be needed to be revised, with child input, that helps her in BOTH homes... Try being the parent/friend where she can learn to vent the issues, with safety, where you guide her towards better habits and skills, rather than the enforcer, and Dad is the main guider, with reasonable discipline... Try talking instead of yelling, anger, blaming... I was chilld of divorce, and the parental feuds were the bane of my exsistence, until a judge made the adults stop being self-centered and super disciplarians, and helped me get them to grow up and listen...

She's nine. My nine year old granddaughter lives with me and has since she was four. The other day she came into the house at 5:45 eating a popsicle. She said her friend gave it to her. I told her she knew she was not supposed to be eating junk at that time as I was fixing dinner. She said either "I forgot" or "I didn't know" one or the other. I asked her "what did you forget" or "what didn't you know" (can't recall which) and I followed that with you know I cook dinner every night after we get home so just what is it you didn't know or what is it you forgot? That you eat every night? I don't think so. I made her throw the ice cream away. All that to say that that is typical nine year old behavior - trying to get away with something. It sounds like to me that your stepdaughter likes being with mom because it's easier since she has no responsibilities, but you just have to stick to your guns and make her do the chores. Also, if she "forgets" something like flushing the toilet, then I would "forget" to do something for her that you normally do. When she asks about it, tell her you "forgot" just like she continually "forgets" to flush the toilet. Once you turn their behavior around on them and they see how frustrating it is, it usually opens their eyes. Good luck!

She's scared, she's confused, she feels unloved. How would you feel if ... you had to go away every other weekend?
you had to watch your daddy with someone other than your mommy?
you had to give up your time with daddy for his new family?
you had two sets of rules that you had to live by?

It sounds like she really just wants some attention and love. You can't simply ask her to come to you with her problems. You need to earn her trust. Spend some quality one on one time with her. Have dad find something special that he does with her only, like go out for breakfast every Saturday morning.

She is a "Tween."
Tweens are from 9-12 years old.
Their emotions/body changes. And their hormones too.

Do a Google Search on "Tween Girl development" and many good articles will come up. Read it.

This is a time of many changes.... it is a major developmental change, in a girl. Cognitively/emotionally and physically.
She WILL need, a woman/Mom she can rely on and vent to and bond with.
Any girl needs that, when they are becoming a Pre-Teen.
KEEP that in mind.
Have a relationship with her.
Not it being only based on punishments and performance.
They need their emotions, filled too.

The "American Girl" book series is GOOD for this age. Made for this age. Easy to read.... for the child and with the Mom. You. You are her Step-Mom. And especially if her bio-Mom, is not a nurturing Mom. She will need, you.
You can find these books at any bookstore.
I strongly recommend getting it.
Just Google search "American girl books."

It is about their body and emotional changes... and per friends as well.

Stay close to her.... so she knows you are there for her.
At this age, there are MANY changes in a child... and to fathom that, is hard to do by themselves.
Be there, for her. Per personal issues and per school.
They need guidance at this age... not just punishments.
A girl this age, has many confusions, too. About friends, boys, etc.

Be a "rudder" for her.
Since her real Mom, is not a guide for her nor teaching her anything.

while she seems grown up compared to your little ones she's only 9 - she is still a little girl who wants to be loved and is desperate for security. She's testing you and her dad all the time. make sure she knows you love her. i am certain that you cannot feel for her the way you feel for your own children. but you're the adult and she's the child. do something for just you and she - crafts, basketball, ice skating, etc. get to know - let her know that you're not going anywhere and that you'll always be there for her. You cannot be her mother - but you can be like a favorite aunt. Rules without relationshps creates rebellion. so develop a relationship with her and once she understand that you care about her then explain why chores have to be done. be by her side and guide her with her chores.

you also said she goes and does everything by herself - at age 9? she needs guidance - meet the parents of her school friends, offer to take she and her friends to the movies, preend she's your own child and maybe she'll begin to respond.

understand where she's coming from and empathize with her - it will go along way. She didn't ask for her parents to split up and to go back and forth between families - she's just stuck with the situation. So be her caring adult who will help her through stuff. Good luck mama - this stuff is not easy!

My children go through the same thing too as they are required to do chores at my home as well as their fathers home. I think I might be more firm and want it done by a certain time and we have bed times at my home where at dads they stay up until 3 in the morning. Going from place to place they have different expectations every time they switch back and forth. Could you imagine trying to please four parents as a small child? Just ask her to go in the bathroom with you and brush your teeth together and tell her you'll do her hair. She may start to bond with you since she may not be getting that one on one at home. It is not her fault she isn't #1 in her mothers eyes but she can be in yours.

Find a family therapist that deals with blended families. The fact that you ask why she's doing this says you can't really appreciate how the situation she's in affects her. I'm a child of divorce (several actually), and it SUCKS. It's not easy, it's traumatic, and I was lucky cause my parents actually were pretty rational with each other around and about us. She is living in two homes but is not fully in either one. Nothing is fully hers. Even her dad has more kids that are not from her mom and they live with him ALL THE TIME. There is no security for her. It may be there, but she's not going to feel it.

Find someone to help all of you deal with this effectively because until you really understand what she's going through, and until she really understands that she is a part of your family and is loved and not just a "part timer", it's always going o be tough.

The break up of her parents is probably hard. She is living with a woman that is not her mom and I am sure that is super hard on a child. Have you guys sat her down and talked to her about the living situation? Have you gone over with her, calmly and nicely, about brushing your teeth and how they can fall out if they are not brushed? If all of a sudden someone else is trying to be her mom, it might throw her or make her upset. I am not saying you are in the wrong, I am just trying to see it from a child's view.

Maybe instead of telling her to come to you, go to her and see what she is doing and if she wants help.

Hi J.,

I think that as parents and adults, what we do and our attitude towards doing it, go miles to influence the way our children behave. Having said that, I think YOU first have to change your mindset about her. I noticed that you made a difference between "our two kids" and "his daughter." Your man is a package deal. You took him and his daughter, especially when he has primary custody of her. Therefore, she "our daughter" and the two of you have "three kids." She may already feel different because of the situation and she does not know how to verbalize that at her age, so it comes out in other areas - such as the behavior issues you stated. If your actions, even unintentionally, are displaying an attitude of "our two kids" and "his daughter," she may be reacting to that. Creating a "family" atmosphere starts with the parents You can maybe do some things just with her (I.e. Mani/pedis, girls day out) to reinforce that you love her too, not just her dad and the other children. Don't make her mom an issue, focus on building your relationship with her. The non-custodial parent sometimes tries to make their visits "party central," to make the child enjoy their visit. Of course, this leads the primary parent to have to be the "bad cop" sometimes. Its a common problem. Once she feels the stability with her relationship with you, her behavior and respect for you will follow suit.

tell her she needs to follow her moms rules when she is with her mother and your rules when she is with you.. end of story, no hand holding or explanations needed
gotta go
K. h.

Hi J.,

She is still little! She is only 9, so such a baby pre-teen still. I would sit down with her, spend time with her and love on her. Find out whats going on with her in her world--ask her how you can work together better. See what she says...get to know her more and tell her that you are there for her. Build that relationship and she will respect you and your home ALOT more. GL

M

She's only 9. My 8 yo still wants baths most of the time--it's a matter of preference.

What kind of relationship does she have with her mom? What's her mom like?

What is YOUR relationship with her mom? Can your boyfriend talk to the mom about this?

I agree with Kym J & Melanie... and also is anything strange going on over there? Is this a new behavior? You have been together 5 years, was she always like this? Not flushing the toilet may be that she wants to save water so all the kids pee and don't flush and then flush after a certain amount of time, it sounds odd but I've heard of people doing it when I was growing up. I would chill out on any negative towards her and start getting closer to her and let her open up to you or her dad. Going into the double digit years she needs people to talk to honestly that won't cause reprimand for misbehavior. Going from one house to another where they are polar opposites is confusing... my parents were like this except they were married... it was so confusing even as a teen when my mom would let me do whatever I wanted but my dad was super controlling and it would mix (my dad would go places for the military for weeks) or she would say yes to a party so I'd go and come home to be yelled at by my dad when she said yes, so annoying. You should sit down and talk to her that you know things are different, but when she comes home blah blah and blah are the rules and she is expected to follow them. Tell her if she needs someone to talk to you are more than willing to listen with no judgment.