Hi, I am new to mamsource. I have read every message/response listed here and I am amazed at the wealth of information and I thank everyone for sharing thier time with parents in need. My 14 yr old son has been doing well on medication for ADHD. I have been working hard with his teachers and the school administration to make sure his accomodations are practised. But I have reached a new obstacle. My son has developed an intense dislike for the authority figures in his life. I am confused by this change as he was/is a fun-loving sensitive boy. While I realize that at 14 he is going through so many "normal" adolescent changes, I am mystified as to why he resents his teachers and his parents so much. He is constantly claiming that the adults in his life are disrespectful to him. Is it possible that the ADHD issues are intensifying this otherwise normal adolescent thought process? I have him in counseling and I'm trying to be patient but stern at home, I just wonder if there are key things I can do or say to help him through this.
Thank you for already providing me with so much insight. I would be so grateful if anyone could shed some light on this particular issue.
H.
I would like to thank everyone who responded to my question. There was something in everyone's response that helped me understand my son a little better. I do believe that he is testing limits with all his might and I do believe that the ADHD, while not a complete reason, has contributed to the intensity of his problems. Another thing that I learned that I really didn't consider fully before is the group of friends he is interacting with. Well, I learned this the hard way last Friday night when he followed the lead of a very troubled friend and stormed out of his Friday night Church Youth Group. WOW - what a wake-up call. One of the attendents actually stopped at my house late Friday night and told me that he was totally following the older child's lead. Not to excuse him for his poor choice, I did punish him over the weekend but over the weekend we did end up having some intense and productive talks about peer pressure and respect issues.
So, I have to say because so many people brought this to my attention I was actually prepared for this event and was able to handle it without screaming matches or any undue, extended punishments. On Saturday it was just he and I talking and figuring out the parameters he needs to live by and agreeing to be more attentive to his need for respect. He also understands that other authority figures also deserve repect especially if he wants to be treated respectfully. He must earn respect - it's not a given right because is now 14.
Again, I thank you all so much. I really believe that we are moving forward. I plan to keep a close eye on my little man to make sure he is with the right kids and that he understands the dangers of illicit drugs.
Best wishes to you all - I will always watch for new messages in case I can help anyone in the same boat I'm in.
H.
Having raised 4 children - one boy with ADHD - I'd say at this age look to a change in his friends to explain a change in his behavior.
There could be lots of reasons why your son has developed authority issues. One is normal adolescent behavior. Another could be his choice of friends - are there any new ones in the picture who might be encouraging the negativity? A third possibility is the medication he is on. Our daughter was on meds for several years. What we found was that initially a med did all the positive things it was supposed to for her. But then it turned on her and all we got were the negative side effects, which included defiance and feeling like all the authority figures in her life were against her. So we would change meds. Eventually she took herself of all her meds and we got our daughter back. A fourth possibility is that he is tired of being "different" with his ADHD and doesn't no how else to deal with it. Our daughter wanted to be "normal" but it took a while for that to happen. There is a good website called empowering parents.com. Among other things, James Lehman deals well with ADHD, defiance, and helping parents remain calm amidst the strife. Good luck to you. Your son is blessed to have a mom who wants to help him work through this difficult phase. It's not easy, but as I look at our now high-achieving 19-year-old daughter, I know it was worth all the effort.
I hesitate to bring this up, but I bet no one else will and this is an anonymous forum, so I hope I dont upset you too much. It sounds like your son is smoking pot. Now before you get upset and stop reading, know that pot is self-medication for ADHD. It really makes an ADHD kid feel sooooooooo much better and so much more in control of himself. It also makes a kid moody and disrespectful. With pot they become confident for probably the first time in their life and therefore (in their eyes) dont need anyone to tell them what to do.
So if he has different friends and his school work is slipping and he is acting odd or secretive, you should be alert and maybe even get him drug tested. I would be hesitant to test him, unless you have discussed pot use with him and are sure he is using.
Sorry to be so frank.
Good luck
Dear H.,
I don't think this has anything to do with his ADHD I think he is just being a normal teenager. I agree with Sasha in the sense of how you speak to him can make a difference. Teenagers become very sensitive, insecure, rebellious, selfish, and basically a difficult breed. I have raised two of them one very easily, and one gave me every gray hair I have. Things that worked for one did not work with the other. My son was the more difficult one because he struggled with his own issues. He was having a hard time staying on track because most of his best childhood friends were all headed down the wrong path. It is difficult for teenagers to fit in today and be cool if they are not participating in what every one else is doing. And believe me what every one else is doing is pretty bad. Drinking, drugs, sex, its amazing how young children that are engaging in this behavior have become. I think his anger and resentment is because he is angry and struggling with himself. The best way to be a good parent at this age is not to dictate is to learn to listen. Be careful and choose your words, try not to command but to suggest. If he is sensitive I a can assure you this is probably the case. Make sure he is not being bullied or made fun of in any way that could bring on sudden changes in personality. As well as drinking or drug use. I am not saying your son is engaging but be aware. The best conversations I would have with my kids was when we were in the car, either driving to the mall or wherever they would open up to me. I feel your pain raising teenagers is the most difficult thing I have done. Thank god they are now 24 and 19 and hopefully the worst is over. Good luck!!
Hi H.,
Has your son been evaluated for Oppositional Defiant Disorder? That's always a possibility. It could also be the kids he's hanging around with - I work in school, and I have a 13 year old, and it appears that many kids think that adults owe them respect! This is something that's going wrong at home - I'm not saying in your particular case it is, but your son may be influenced by children whose home lives have fostered this attitude. I would speak with his doctor, with the school counselor and maybe seek some private counselling. While you may be trying hard to be patient, I would not be tolerant of the attitude that adults owe him respect. Many kids today have that backwards!
I have a son with ADHD and NLD who is also doing very well at school and at home but we do hit times of year that are more difficult. The change of seasons and change to daylight savings time is one example. He gets more agitated and fidgety. Anxiety often triggers behaviors. He starts getting in trouble at school and at home. Adults who do not understand him or who are not used to these behaviors because he has been doing well previously react negatively. There is no consistency. He feels that everyone is mean to him. Positive praise is what works best for my child. I have the special ed case manager go in and re-train all of his teachers on what language to use, how to approach, consistency, etc. Then everything gets better. It is unfortunate we have to go through this time and time again but one of the hardest things for these kids is having negotiate relationships with so many adults. And going through puberty on top of all that must be really difficult!
Anyway, not sure if this applies to your son but hopefully it might help a bit . . .is he in special ed?
I'm in the same boat. My son is going to be 16 next week and has been ODD for a few years and AD/HD since he was 6. (Obsessive Defiant Disorder)..that and he has an absentee father and ticked off at me for it most of the time.
Medication helps with the attention, but not the attitude.
We are involved in Behavioral therapy now and it seems to be helping for the most part.
Try checking into that since they do not offer Anger Management for teens unless they are already in a facility. How stupid is that?
Nanc
Talk to his doctor would be the first step, I also have a son with authority issues even though hes three, He was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD Oppositional Defiant Disorder, its a disorder taht can be very trying to us as parents.The children do not take to discipline well and do evreything in thier likeliness to make others around them miserable.This may not be the case to that extent with you rson but look into it I reaserched it on the web before I said anything to a doctor, but I ended up being right in the long run and my son is now on meds for it Risperdal and Metadate and is doing better.Its not a full cure but it does halp impulses and fustration levels they are having
I have a 13 year old niece that is currently taking medication for ADHD and has been for at least a year now. Her issue with intolerance for authority figures started at least a couple years ago, if not before that. So I have some experience, indirectly.
I have done my own research trying to find help for her. I came across some information about dairy products that was shocking. You might want to search the internet yourself on the subject, looking at as many sources as you can regarding ADHD and dairy products.
Good luck!
A.
Maybe he is feeling like they are talking down to him and they should try a different approach to the way they ask him to do things and such.
