Please Read- Desperate for Advice

Sometimes we just can't convince the other person to stay with us, and then there is absolutely nothing we can do. It sounds like you really don't have much of an option...

I would not wait around for him.

Hi! I'm so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. It sounds like he doesn't want to work it out with you. It sounds like he just wants to call it quits, but he probably also knows that you just might be there to take him back (so that he can "have his cake & eat it, too).

You should think about & do what it best for you. Good luck to you.

I asked these questions to myself when I went through my own divorce.
1. Do you want to constantly worry about what he's doing because you don't trust him?
2. Would I rather be alone forever then to be with someone who can't give up another girl for me?
In my ex's case it was several girls he called "friends." Funny how those friends magically become his girlfriends after I kicked him out, all of which supported him. I also decided it wasn't worth it for me to worry constantly about what he's up to. I don't want to have to stress about what he's doing if he takes a little longer at the grocery store. I didn't want to live my life like that.
Look I am all for trying to work it out but if your husband wont go you cant force him. I don't know about other states, but in California it is not mandatory to seek counseling before a divorce is granted. You also have every right to be scared to be single again. Just be aware that there are many emotional stages of divorce, it's just like grieving. Maybe just going to counseling for yourself would help a great deal. I wish you good luck!

It really doesn't sound like this will work between you two. Legal separation and counseling are great ideas if you still want the door open to possibly get back together. He doesn't want this. The way you are feeling is completely normal. You are grieving over a loss and it hits hard. You will go through the normal grieving process although he's still alive and well. You are mourning the loss of your marriage and the relationship you once had with him. That is perfectly normal and okay! Allow yourself to grieve. Get counseling yourself. You will get through this. It will take time but you will be much happier in the long run. If you were to work this out, it would take him giving 100% to YOU alone. You can find someone who is crazy about you and who makes you feel so loved and special. Hang in there!!

OK, I went through something like this with my husband before we were married. We fought a lot about the "friend" and eventually ended our relationship over it. We took about 9 mos apart- I dated other people, he never really did(not to say that would happen with your situation). In my opinion it was the best thing we did because it did clean the slate and we made a promise when we came back together that we would not bring up the past. It has worked, and the main reason it has worked is because that friendship ended. There is only one hen in this house- and it is me, and any others is a problem. Same thing for him.

If he would rather end your marriage than the friendship than respect yourself and let him go. It hurts but that is the choice he has made. It is very scary and I understand why you aren't sure if you love him or are scared of losing him. It is all so normal and so difficult. Best of luck and hugs to you! Too many tears will be shed!

If you separate and get back together again, it will be the same old issues coming up over and over again unless the two of you decide to go to counseling to learn how overcome the unhealthy dynamic that has been created between the two of you. You can give your plan a try but if you are coming back into the relationship with the same attitudes and patterns that you had before, I'm really not sure how this will work out in the end.

Hope this helps put some clarity on your situation. Wishing you and your husband all the best.

Unfortunately it does sound like you may have to cut the ties. You are employed and probably making pretty good money. You should be the filer and make sure he doesnt get alimony or child support... let his new g/f take care of his unemployed *ss. You never know what time will do.. you may end up back together and be able to put it all behind you and you may not want to after you get free. Either way the girls need to be loved by both of you no matter what the circumstances.
I hate to see divorces, especially after you've put 12 years and 2 kids into it... it's really senseless.
Maybe just separate and dont rush into divorce until you are really ready. Just make sure to cut the financial parts away so neither of you are liable for each others spending.
prayers go out to you.....

Hey, I am sorry you are in this bad situation. I have been in it too, in the past ,and I chose to let him go since he was having an affair. Actually, I left him and rightly so. Your husband is now in the "honeymoon" bliss with this "new" girl but if you let things run their way (getting yourself out of the picture) eventually their relationship will turn into what any relationship turns into after a while. Let them have to deal with a "normal" relationship, without giving them the "shivers" that a forbidden relationship gives...let their affair out in the light...let it become everyday routine. On top of this put a divorce, the guilt that he'll feel by being without your children, and chances are he'll come back to you after some time. Remember that passion burns out, theirs will do too...sooner than you think, if YOU don't keep it alive with drama. He wants to go anyway, see, he is asking for a divrce...give it to thim and remind him:" be careful what you wish for...cause you might just get it ALL". And time will help him figure out what ALL entails. Two years after divorce my ex is out of my door begging to come back in the family. Guess after a while even a good slut gets old. Think about it and be strong -you will make it through and you deserve better.

I think what you're feeling is pretty normal.
If your husband won't go to counseling, that shouldn't stop you from going.
I made the decision to leave an abusive husband. I knew I had no choice, but, it still hurt. I still mourned the loss of my marriage and the idea of all the "dreams" I had for us...raising our kids. Growing old together.
The reality that was not the way it was going to turn out was tough.
It was still the best decision.

I do know of a couple that got a divorce and after a couple years realized they couldn't live without each other and actually got remarried. They didn't get divorced because of another person in their relationship, but they both tried dating after and neither of them were happy. They put their pride and their petty arguments aside and recommitted to each other. So...it can happen. BUT, both people have to want that and like I said, it took a couple years for them to realize it.

I think what you are feeling is the opposite of buyer's remorse.
You buy a new car and then freak out about if it was the best decision because maybe you didn't really think about how you would afford it if something happened and here you'd have this car you are sorry you bought.
~You already had the car, loved it, but it wasn't dependable, gave you grief and now that you've agreed to part with it, you're wondering if maybe you should change your mind. Maybe if you try changing the spark plugs one more time, maybe if you try yet another new fuel pump or alternator.
Damn thing will probably run just fine once someone else has it.

I know it's just a metaphor, but at least from where I was at even as an abused woman, all that stuff went through my mind.
And, you have to know that even if you get divorced and get back together, you can't just start off with a clean slate. There are feelings and issues and things that will have to be addressed.
I think you should concentrate on yourself right now. He wants to move forward with the divorce.
If you get counseling and you work on your own feelings, you may realize that hanging on isn't worth your energy. You need to alleviate all the "maybe's". Move forward by working on you and knowing for sure what you want from a relationship. Know that you are in a position to seek and expect all the things you need.
You might not be able to start off with a clean slate with your husband, but you can start out with one for yourself.
It takes time, but it can actually be empowering.

I really, really do wish you the best.
Take care!

Thanks for your honesty, your last paragraph explains a lot about the other part.
You're lookign at this as what you want and how you want it, you want the divorce, now you don't, you want a separation, now you dont' want the girl around, etc. He's lookign at things how he wants them too. An open marriage where he can go do this would never have worked, and you're right to be divorcing. I have several girlfriends who were cheated on, tried to forgive, years later started other "interests" and then asked the hubs for permission-or more like expected them to accept them seeing someone else since he cheated- DOESN'T WORK.
Unfortunately, your man kept bringing up the cheating, because it's impossible to forget it. He may have tried to be the bigger person and get over it and forgive. And tried and tried and tried. You may be sorry, and you may deserve another chance, but that's the thing about cheating, it completely changes the one who was betrayed. Usually forever. Sometimes maybe only for years.
He may at one time have promised never to look elsewhere and to treat the marriage like it was undamaged, but he obviously looked elsewhere. It's still no worse than your move, even if years have passed. He's probably right that he needs a clean break to see what the future brings.

Luckily, after all this time, he doesn't HATE you, and everything can be worked out to however it is supposed to be in a civilized manner. If after the divorce, it doesn't work out with the other girl (unless you're still friends with your fling), you can demand he not be her friend if he wants to get back together-because you guys will be even steven.

You have to let go. You'll survive single just fine. Look at it as an opportunity to clean the slate. Things may not work out with the new girl, you never know. You should try to live your own life not waiting on him. You may both move on. What you have was damaged. You both tried to get over it. The more gracefully you step away, the faster this will go. If you keep beating a dead horse, no one progresses, and he will resent you. Best to you, be strong.

Unless you can make peace with being a standby wife, or unless your husband realizes he'd rather be with you, and unless you can come to terms with the understandable trust issues you are experiencing, you will probably end up divorcing. The more confident you can feel about that decision, the better for your emotional state in the next months and years.

Your feelings are normal, and something you would do well to work through before you decide to go ahead with the divorce. Counseling would be extremely helpful – if the expense is a problem, you can check out your county services.

Hi Alysse -

You were married very young and probably do not have a lot of other comparisons for healthy relationships. He wanted to leave the door open in case it didn't work out with the CURRENT honey and he could come back to you. A divorce so he can start with a clean slate if you get back together?? Like that repairs your feelings, trust and hurt?? He is not showing you remorse or that you are his one and only. I truly believe it it time to get rid of him. Please do not accept anything but the best for you (and your kids I believe). Sure, change is scary but you will push past this. Please gather up the strength and don't let yourself be treated this way!
Good luck!

I think it's perfectly normal to be very scared at this point in your life, all changes are scary and this is a big one! you were married at 18 and have been married a long time. Do you have family other than your husband and kids? IF not find friends who,like you, are not close to their own family and form a psuedo family.
Don't confuse fear of being alone with a deep love for this guy whom you don't trust or respect.
Teach your girls to expect more out of a marriage.
I don't know if you are religious but if you are you can pray about this and know you are never really alone! Good luck

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I feel there's a lot I could say, but I'm just going to be blunt here - kick that ***hole to the curb and forget about him. Sounds like he thinks he can walk all over you and that's what he's doing. What happened 9 years ago is ancient history and if he really forgave you he would not bring it back up now; he just feels guilty and is trying to justify his own behavior.....

Honestly 2 wrongs do not make it right and if he truly forgave you for your indiscretion then why is he continuing not only bringing it up after 9 years but having his own...This is not a marriage it is a home to come to after he goes out and does whatever he wants.
Stand on your own!!! You can do it and will feel great once you can heal yourself and start fresh...and he will more then likely want you back after a while and at that point you can reflect and decide if you want that pain again?
Many blessings!

The issue with forgive and forget is that people have a really hard time with the forget part. Some things are just too hurtful to forget completely. I think there have been people who have managed to forgive and forget, but it's tough. Frankly, it doesn't sound like either of you will "forget" at this point. He hasn't and you already are prepared to jump to conclusions the first time he goes out with friends.
It sounds to me like both of you are too confused to chuck it all into divorce at this point in time. That's what a separation is for. To ease into life without each other while not permanently cutting the cord legally.
It sounds like the perfect solution for both of you at this time. Give him space and enjoy yours. He may realize that this other woman is not all he cracked her up to be. Or he may realize she's "the O.." Or he may realize that she's not, but neither are you. These would all be good situations b/c they will provide clarity and distance from the situation for both of you. Not sure if you have kids--I'm assuming you do. You owe it to the kids to have a thoughtful separation period that will provide clear answers.
You may find that this freedom is a good thing. You may find that you miss him so much that you ARE willing to forgive and forget if he's open to it. You can't answer all of the questions you have today at this moment in time. There are 12 years together working to a solution here. You won't have answers in an instant and neither will he. I suggest to take this very seriously and slowly...where's the fire and what's the hurry?
I do find it disturbing that he would insist on continuing a friendship if he decided to commit to your marriage (??!!) but again, that is his feeling at this point in time right now.
Best of luck!

GOOD RIDDANCE!! Kick his butt out and goodbye. He just wants a free pass and you are "thinking about it". How many times does he have to do this for you to get the picture? Love yourself a little more and see that you are better off by yourself. Of course, the world out there is scary, but you can do it.

My husband and I had problems about 3 yrs ago. He's the one who messed up, but I forgave him. I am still going to counseling to help deal with things. He stayed "friends" with her for a very long time. It was a way to stay connected to her, and I ask him a number of time to stop the connection. He would say that he doesn't talk to her.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that like some of the other women. He wants his cake and eat it too. He wants to keep you close incase something doesn't work with his "friend". He has you as a back-up. Actions speak louder than words, and since he has already told you he wanted to keep her as a friend. He's not committed to trying to work on ya'll relationships.

It's scary to be single after being with someone for so long, but your still young and should live it up. :) I hope that everything works out for the best!

Get counselling for yourself, let him go and be strong parent. Good luck!

It seems pretty obvious that you are not getting back together. Divorce is a way to end a marriage, not test it, not start over, not resolve trust issues, but to end it. Divorce means that your relationship did not work out.
It's not really about whose fault it is. If you know you can't live together, then you divorce. At some point you have to let go of the fault and just figure out what arrangement is best for the kids.
OK, read your earlier stuff and you have two girls. Divorce is hell on kids but even worse is not knowing. They can adapt to a new situation and be fine; but to tell them maybe you'll be together, maybe you won't, well that's just awful. They live in constant anxiety instead of just dealing with it.
I sure hope you've decided against leaving them for two years. If you divorce and then leave for two years that's a horrid thing to do to your kids.
You will need a good attorney. Under no circumstances should you go through a divorce without excellent legal representation.

A lot of judges these days aren't granting divorces until couples have tried counseling. Get an attorney and tell your attorney that you DON'T want a divorce and you want to try to work on the relationship. Make sure you tell the attorney everything you've put down here. Good luck to you.

Whatever trust there was between you is long gone. Guilt is the monkey on your back now. He finds it easy to play you. You must live with all that, realizing that it takes two and he wants out completely, and that he is not without fault either. Put on your big girl panties and get on with your life. Yes you must be brave to move forward. Alone is something you can solve. Forward is the direction of life if you set a goal and go for it. Good luck and best wishes.

Your story sounds so much like my parents story so I advise you as i believe my mother who has been in your position would advise you. There is always doubt at the end of any relationship - mostly from the feeling that you didn't try hard enough and you feel like your just giving up. But it is important to remember that it doesn't matter how hard you try, if your partner isn't putting in that same effort. Don't waste anymore time with him. You will always be linked through your children (if you have them). My fathers indiscretions lasted for 14 years. My mother battled depression again and again behind closed walls and it did not end till they had married me off - two months later they were separated, a year later divorced and all i heard during that period was how much time she had given him and lost.
My mom was 54 when they got a divorce - talk about being scared of the single life - she had been married 26 years. She didn't have a college degree and had been out of the work force for 15-16 years. My father, too blamed his affairs on the fact that she had some sort of indiscretion when they were engaged that he tricked her into admitting 7 years into their marriage. I seriously doubt their will be any kind of rekindling of romance with your husband. Get out of it now, and start living again. Remember your past mistakes and learn from them. There is a man out their for your who you can trust and will love you.
My mother is now happier than I have ever seen her. She has a job she loves, loyal friends who have been with her throughout everything, and a new man in her life who has reminded her what real love feels like. It will happen for you too, you just have to move forward and let it.

My husband and I have also had some really serious thoughts about our relationship. However, recently we attended a marriage video conference at Sheridan Hills Baptist Church, called "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerich. Her's a link to his website. http://www.loveandrespect.com/
I cannot begin to tell you how this information healed our relationship and brought love and trust back to our hearts. It may help you too. Good luck.

I didn't read your first entry, but based on this one yes you should divorce. If he openly wants to see another woman and is telling you he wants the divorce then why are you questioning what to do.