Forgive a Cheating Husband?

I personally could never forgive!

But if you want to forgive him, he needs to get a different job he can't continue working besides her in the same office.

Hi-
My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our second baby. I found out from the phone bill call record. I called the number, too!
Mine lied as much as possible, but the woman (more like a girl, 16 years younger than him) had already told me a few details... and eventually he came pretty clean. I told him not to come home initially, but after a week he moved back in because he said all the right things to me and agreed that he would answer any and all of my questions regarding the affair. I even asked him to call her while I listened on another extension--because I wanted to hear him tell her that it was over. It wasn't as reassuring as I had hoped.
The "honeymoon" period after he moved back home lasted for two weeks. We went to counseling at my insistence, but the therapist told me that he was basically operating emotionally at the level of a three year old and that I should just forget about the affair and move forward. He never had to take responsibility for it and after those two weeks he has actually minimized the affair, obviously with the encouragement of that marriage counselor.

He stayed with us until the baby turned one year old. At that point I went back to work PT--this was almost three years ago now!
Long story short of course there were other issues in the marriage, but for me going outside the marriage was not an option. That's a conscious choice I could not fathom making, especially when we were expecting a baby.
We've been separated for almost three years, like I said, and still are not divorced. I hope to divorce him when I have enough money! I really wish I had just divorced him when he had that affair.
If you only have those two issues (spending habits and the affair) maybe it is worth counseling? For a lot of people the affair would be the deal-breaker. For me it was hard because I was (am) financially dependent on him.
Let me know how it goes! Good luck!
S.

Haven't had this experience, but recently heard this discussed on the radio program of Gary and Barb Rosberg. THey have excellent resources and discuss marriage all the time on their program. You could find out about them at drgaryandbarb.com they have a 24hour coaches line.
Hope you can truly forgive and your marriage be restored. And yes, him finding another job would be priority 1 or2.
C.

Hi E.,
I don't have any direct experience with this, but my sister's ex-husband was a serial cheater, including 2 coworkers at 2 different jobs. I really think it would be best if he found a new job as soon as he can. It's the only way that he will not ever have any contact with this woman again, and I think that he has to commit to never speaking to her again.

I can't tell you if you should forgive him or not, because you'll know in your heart. If you do forgive him, I think you should both go to counseling so that you can really heal. IF you don't heal, you're likely to use the affair as a way to get back at your husband throughout the marriage, such as throwing it in his face. He did something awful. But, if you decide to forgive him, you have to actually truly forgive him.

I feel so sorry for you. Hang in there and best of luck to you.

Hey E.,
You are a hard working, loving mom and if he isn't going to be supportive of that by not cheating and not spending all your money, kick him out and move on. It's a lot easier to live on your own than with a man who can't be trusted, it's like having a teen ager in addition to your kids. Dump him - NOW! J.

I have a hard time believing you are happily married...If my husband cheated on me, it would be over. There is no excuse for cheating. If your husband was unhappy, stressed, etc, than he needed to talk to you about it before things got out of hand and he slept with another woman. You deserve better.

E.,

I am sorry to hear about the difficult times in your marriage. I think that you have to follow your heart & your instincts here. He has to earn your trust & respect again. It is quite all right & be ANGRY & not trust for a while & take your time to forgive him. Your marriage problems didn't happen overnight & they won't get fixed overnight. But Marriage Counseling could be a great way to work on your issues.
This similar situation happened to a friend of mine & she was able to forgive him but it took a while & they went through counseling together & individually. She realized that he wasn't the only one that was contributing to their problems she had some issues with herself that needed to be figured out also. They are still married & happily. She said it opened her eyes to the situation & they were able to make some positive changes together. Good luck! I wish the best for you & your family.

Dear E.,

How hard. You have these two beautiful children and trying to be a great mom and wife, and things must seem to just be falling apart. I feel for you, I really do. We all have our stories and for each of us, I am sure a different result. Point is, this is your family and your life. You have to do what is best for you (I mean really what's best for you).

If you choose to stay with your husband, I suggest also going to a counselor together. My husband and I were having issues and Carol Wichers ###-###-####) really helped us through it and we are doing great. I had also referred another couple to her and she flat out told the wife that her husband was not in it and sure enough he cheated again and unfortunately they are going through a divorce. Point is, she really gets to the point, asks the hard questions, and doesn't put up a front. If your husband really does want this marriage to work, he shouldn't hesitate to go, and you can address everything, the affair, the spending, etc. Make your relationship what you need it to be for the both of you.

If you don't think a counselor will work, do some soul searching. Write down really what you want, what hurts you, what you want from him... etc. You should have him do the same. If you want him to have a different job, list it. Put down what you need for this marriage to work. Honestly, he is the one who was unfaithful, so he is the one that has something to prove to you. If he gets really stressed again, what is he going to do? Ask the hard questions.

Good luck E..
If you ever need to talk, feel free to e-mail. I have been there both ways, had to work on a relationship with my husband, and being cheated on and ending a relationship with my x.
Sending a big hug your way!
J.

I think the best thing to do would to see a counselor. I went through this with my husband before we were married and now actually have a deeper trust with him than before. It has taken a very long time to get over though. A slow process. It has now been about 2 1/2 years and I still think of it about every two weeks. At first I would run it through my mind a million times everyday, asking myself why. You just have to totally push it out of there and also make sure that you forgive him and at some point her. Of course you do not have to like her, but for you to be able to get past it you will have to forgive her.
This is a huge matter and I truly believe that he can not work in the same environment as her. You both need to sit down and talk about this more.
Sorry if I am just babbling now, but I have gone through this and know your pain.
I have read quite a few books about getting through this also. If you want to e-mail me directly, you sure can. ____@____.com

Hi E.,

I am so sorry that your husband has done this to you. It is so hurtful and such an act of betrayal, especially if this is on top of other troubling issues in your marriage like money. Could he really afford to buy you a new wedding ring? How does buying one let him off the hook as far as having to deal with this emotionally and honestly? You mention that he "stopped going out after work", and you have two little ones at home? Was this a frequent thing? I think you're right to suspect that if he really was clear about what he's done he'd be willing to look for another job. I wonder if he has some very deep and unconscious fear about marriage and especially children, that maybe he believes he can't handle this, or that it's too much, and he's acting out. If my husband did this to me I'd be gone, but my daughter is now 18 years old. If you want this marriage to work, I suggest you try marriage counseling. You also really need to believe in yourself and that your anger is COMPLETELY justified. Trust your instincts. How dare he do this to you? You are home taking care of your kids and the house, making him dinner, etc, and he's going out after work with the guys and sleeping with somebody else? How does this make you feel about yourself? Maybe even a trial separation would knock some sense into him. Set some expectations and don't cave. Expect him to do some of the work to repair this, including calling a therapist, or getting a different job--something much harder than buying a new ring. If he is in this for the long haul, then he'll do the right thing. If not, then you deserve much much better.

I may be in the minority here but I don't necessarily believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater." That being said, I absolutely believe that it is critical that he not work with her anymore. You, and he, cannot put it behind you if he is seeing her everyday at the office and your are worried about him seeing her everyday at the office. If he doesn't understand that then I don't think he understands the impact of what's he's done (and will probably do it again). Granted, he may not be able to up and leave his job this week or even this month, but I think it needs to be a top priority to find a new job.

I also think that you guys should really consider doing some couple therapy too. If it goes unresolved, you will always have trust issues and eventually, he will get "stressed out" because of it and he'll end up doing it again. Also, don't buy into the "I had too much to drink" excuse. People still know what they are doing when they've been drinking and if they don't, maybe that is a problem within itself.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hi Liz,

To me, the fact that your justifying his behavior by saying how stressful it is in your house - only convinces me that you're not ready to leave him.

If it were me and I wanted to try and save the marriage, I would first give the new ring back and tell him to find a new job. I would tell him if he cares about you and the marriage he will find a new job because there is no way to rebuild trust when the other woman still works there. I would insist on this regardless of the salary or how much he likes the place. I would also tell him that his behavior is what is making him have to do this.

Second, if he really wants the marriage to work, I would use this as an opportunity to get him to really listen to your end of the money situation. Tell him you don't want to have to lie to him about how much money you have and that if he doesn't like where YOUR bank account balance lies then he should give some of his income to you. Seriously.

The third thing I would do is get counseling so that both of you can vent your frustrations in a healthy environment. Once the venting is over - then you can work on ways to be constructive in communicating with each other and hopefully build a strong relationship.

Recognize that this is a major offense on his part and it will probably take years to recover from - if you can recover. Parts don't "accidentally" fall into each other - and at any point that night he could have come to his senses and stopped but he didn't.

If I decided to try and stay and work it out, these are some of the things that I would do. Ultimately, I'd work on getting myself financially independant and then I'd leave him but that's me. You have to make the decision that is right for you.

Good luck.