Potty Training - San Francisco,CA

It's tricky to be a grandmother who wants to give advice. My advice is: do nothing. Just be a great grandmother. His parents will resent you otherwise.

I totally agree with Catherine. I have a friend and her son is 7 going on 8 and mom still put pull ups on him at night. But when he was here with me for 1 month for summer vacation, I woke him up at midnight because that is what time I wake up my 2 kids to go potty and he was ok with that. They are just plain lazy.......

M.

My two oldest didn't potty train until about 3 1/2. As for "them not being ready" being lazy parenting ... BS. Research has shown that in general (of course there are exceptions to every rule and ways to punish a child to get them to do what you want them to do ready or not) children's bodies aren't really ready for potty training till around 3.

My youngest didn't potty train till he was a few months past 4, and yes part of that was me. Why did I wait? because by the time he did show that he was ready to start, we were getting ready for a HUGE move from Kansas to California. And I knew he would more than likely backslide anyway. So I waited till we were settled again. And guess what ... of all 3 kids .. he trained the fastest, less than a week.

And my grandmothers thought my kids should be trained at 2 also ... but then again the methods of their day was if they had an accident you spanked their bare bottoms till they got it. Heck that's how my mother potty trained too. I think I prefer my methods better, thanks.

While I can appreciate your concern, the people who know the child best are his parents. If you are truely concerned try talking to them WITHOUT being judgemental to see if there is something else going on that you're unaware of.

In the end though the person with the REAL control over potty training isn't the parents or grandparents or anyone else ... it's the child.

What are his parents' views on potty training? Is there a reason not to have him use the toilet? PP had a good idea with inviting him to spend a few days with you and give mom and dad a break. The two of you (you and grandson) could plan to surprise mom and dad with his new underwear wearing self! At four, he can probably figure it out pretty quickly as long as he really understands what he is suposed to do.

Either way, he can't go to kindergarten next year in diapers (most preschools require kids to be potty trained as well) so he's going to have to let those diapers go. But be gentle, he's had the diapers as long as he's been alive... he may not want them to leave unless there's something pretty cool (aka big boy undies) to replace them.

good luck,
T.

Oh my goodness. I'm sure I'll get some hate mail for this comment, but I just think it's lazy parenting to have a 4 year old who is still in diapers! That poor child! There is no reason a child should be older than 2 and still in diapers. Both of my grandmothers were horrified when my youngest turned 2 and we had not started potty training her. I thought about my excuses (she's not ready yet, she doesn't "get it", she'll do it when she's ready, nobody ever went to college in diapers) and realized that the issue was ME, that I was not taking the lead in teaching her what she needed to know! The more I thought about it, it's demeaning to a child's intelligence to assume they are not ready for something because they haven't initiated the process themselves. I mean, what if we used that standard for tying shoes, or learning math? We don't fret about readiness with those things, we just teach our children what they need to know.

That being said, I really think your grandson's parents need to take responsibility for making this happen. They need to take away the diapers and tell him what is expected of him in clear terms. They should tell him that he is a big boy now and that he will only be using the potty from here on out. They need to help him stay on task for the first few days because after all, he'll be breaking some 4-year habits here.

Or, have your grandson come stay at your house for the weekend so his mom and dad can have some time to themselves. And then potty train this poor child!! You will be doing him a service! Good luck!

Hi there, well it looks like you have lots of good advice already and I did read some, but not all of them. I have three boys and a girl.... I would take him to Walmart and let HIM pick out the underwear he likes best, they have all sorts of different characters, etc. and explain to him what's going on for the weekend/day, however long you decide to have him. Buy some cheerioes and throw some in the toilet and he gets to "aim" and "dunk" the cheerioes in his new underwear. Tell him he's a big boy and give him a treat if he doesn't have an accident for the day or something, maybe going out to ice-cream or something. You would be doing him a favor by not having to be embarassed at his age to still be in diapers and he will probably never forget what his "grandma" did for him:) when he's older probably. Good luck..... and let the parents know after he's been with you and he goes in the potty to encourage them to continue, they need to take on their responsibility as parents. God bless you...

I know that this is a frustrating thing for you; it's probably a much different experience than what you went through, and it sounds like you are ready for him to be potty trained (which I don't blame you), but...he will when he's ready...you don't see adults walking around in diapers...we all get potty trained, right? Because he is a little bit older, I bet that he will wake up one day and decide he is finished with his diapers and that will be the end of it, (I know someone who had this happen with her daughter and she said it was much easier than doing the training thing with her two year old years before!) Barring any type of health issue (just to make sure that the ped has checked him out and all else is developing normally), it'll be alright and he'll be in undies sooner than you think, I'm sure. Keep up the good work encouraging us mommies, we look to seasoned experts like you for support!!

Dear R.,
I hope I don't get a lot of letters about this because I mean no offense, but a 4 year old kid who is still not potty trained....I don't get it. If they have mental or developmental disabilities, that's one thing. Normal healthy 4 year olds should be in preschool and preparing to enter kindergarten. They cannot go in diapers. They have to be able to use the toilet.
I know they say that boys are harder to train, but my son was actually easier than my daughter. They were both potty trained very early and not because I was pushy, but because everytime I went, I put them on the potty. I let them run around in training pants during the day instead of diapers. If they peed or pooped, I took them in the bathroom and had them watch where it went into the toilet, then let them flush it bye-bye. And then I'd sit them on the toilet to see if they had to go more. Sometimes they did, somethimes they didn't, but we still washed hands afterwards. They didn't like being wet or poopy so it took no time at all for them to figure out they could go on the potty and bypass that whole thing.
My dearest friend, who I'd known since high school, was still bringing her 4 year old for me to babysit wearing diapers. At 4, my daughter was in kindergarten and he was a month older than her. His mom worked a night shift, dad worked the day shift and I think it was just easier for them to keep him in diapers. I loved that little boy with all my heart, but 4 year old poop isn't baby poop anymore. He was the only one that came for daycare in diapers. So, I potty trained him. Fortunately I had other kids who were all potty trained and I told him that big boys don't wear diapers at my house, they use the potty. So, his diaper went in the garbage and we all got in the potty line. The ones that really had to go, got to be in line first. Even if they didn't have to go, they still had to sit on the potty, and flush and wash their hands. He loved taking his turns like everyone else. The other kids knew that he was learning so they encouraged him. If one kid had to go, they all had to get in the potty line and take their turn.
It really took no time at all. And, when he got to my house, the very first thing he did was pull his pants down, take off his diaper and put it in the garbage. But sure enough, the next morning, he was brought to me in a diaper. I never said a word until his mom commented that he didn't seem to be using the diapers she sent for him. That's when I told her he doesn't need them anymore. He poops he pees on the toilet, he wipes himself (with a little help from time to time) he flushes and washes his hands. I put a diaper back on him, which he didn't really like just before his mom picked him up because he was still going in his diapers at home. They had never even thought to try to put him on the toilet. They didn't think he was ready. He was very easy to potty train. It just took someone taking the time to do it. And it helped that he had little friends younger than him that could do it.
It was the same thing with walking. She mentioned to me one day that she was certain he was never going to start walking. I said, "What do you mean? He walks all the time?" She didn't believe me because he had never taken a single step at home. Not to sound mean, but it's probably because he didn't have to walk at home. They carried him everywhere or had him in a stroller. I said, next time you come to pick him up, come in quietly, stay for a soda and a brief visit and watch him go. She could have fainted. She was so proud of him, to be sure! She had no idea he could walk because he never did it at home. And he never used the toilet at home when he'd been doing it consistantly at my house.
There was no more carrying him everywhere. The diapers went out the window. And, he is a gorgeous young man in the Navy now. We still stay in touch so I did not damage him in any way.
He was readier to be potty trained than his parents thought.
I know that some people say it's not your place to worry about it. And perhaps it wasn't my place either. But, I also had the right to say....don't bring him here until he can use the toilet. I loved him and looked forward to him and just dealt with it myself. It was there business if they wanted him in diapers until he was 7 for all I cared, but not at my house. I wasn't harsh at all. I didn't want him to be the only kid that old having to lay down and get changed like a baby in front of the other kids. He was the oldest. He wasn't a baby anymore and I didn't treat him like one. I had him everyday so it was quite easy. And he was happy to throw his diaper away every morning. No one else was wearing them.
Since you only see your grandson once a week, it's hard to say what, if any influence you can have. A weekend at Grandma's with no diaper and being put on the potty every half an hour might help. But it depends on if it would make the parents angry. You don't want to do that.

It's my opinion that when a kid is old enough to say what they like or don't like to eat, or what movie they want to watch or say what their favorite game to play is....they are old enough to be potty trained.
Just my opinion.

Best wishes! I hope things work out.

I say don't worry about it and just enjoy your grandson when you see him. Kids will potty train when they are ready. They will notice that the other kids are going in the potty and want to be like them. Don't risk straining your relationship with his parents.

Be careful to label the parents as "lazy," as Catherine did. My son has been out of diapers since before he was three and he just recently became potty trained at 4 1/2. I was doing laundry up the wazoo and putting him on the potty every hour to every couple of hours (including the middle of the night). I tried everything! I did potty weekends, sticker rewards, treat rewards, I took everyone's advice and none of it worked. I went to our pediatrician in tears at my son's fouth year visit and I was told to let it go and he will get it. Sure enough, it wasn't until my husband and I backed off that he finally got it. Good luck.

OMG, lazy parents, something wrong with the child, maybe you should take him and potty train him since his parents are not willing to do it????? Are you serious???!! First, it should be called potty readiness, and not potty training since we are not talking about a dog! You train a dog, you get children underwear when they are "ready" to pee and poop in the potty. Granted, I am speaking from the lucky end of the spectrum wherein my boys, one at age 3 and one at 2 years 9 months each had a specific motivator to wear big boy underpants and then did so. My first born turned 3 and, after a few unsuccessful starts and stops at trying to use the potty consistently, decided that "3" was the age he should wear underwear and walla, no more pull-ups, even at night! (scary....) HOWEVER, I did get him up at 2 am every night for a while and take him, very sleepy, to pee. (I am up anyway.... light sleeper.) And then, my second son wanted to go to pre-school and knew that you had to wear underpants and pee and poop in the potty so - bam, he say OK, I want to do that mommy! BUT, he continued to wear pull-ups at bedtime until 3 1/2 when he finally woke up dry for a couple weeks in a row. I get so frustrated at people who berate children for not being potty "trained!" Every single child is different. Give them the opportunity and motivation, but please, never ever berate them and criticize them over it. This is not a test of their overall maturity or intelligence, and it is likewise not a test of their parent’s dedication or persistence. It is a milestone, like teething and walking and talking and tying shoes, and monkey bars... each child is unique, appreciate them for that and praise them for what they CAN do, not what they CANNOT do. Please, be kind and gentle in your words and thoughts. They will not be in kindergarten in a diaper, I promise. But, give them encouragement, opportunity and praise. NO criticism please. It hurts me to think about it.

Tell him you'll give him a reward if he goes potty in the toilet.

hi R.

How is your grandson developing in other areas

Would you say he is typical or late?
Is he oversensitive or undersenstive to sensory stimulation? like noises,touch light?
Does he watch objects spin like fans and wheels?
Does he have a limited diet?
How is his speech developmnet?
How are his motor skills? can he ride a trike,
jump on two feet, catch a ball, draw, cut with scissors?
Does he play well with other kids?
Does he look at you when you talk to him?

Sometimes children who have issues with sensory motor development are late to potty train

Please watch him in these other areas and seek help immediately if you see issues
He wont grow out of it and things can get worse

If your relationship is good enough with the parents then take your grandson for an entire day. First thing in the AM go to the local store and pick out some underpants, two pairs of pants and two shirts. Explain to him that these are special clothes for boys wearing underpants. Immediately put one of the new outfits on because the outfit he came to you in must remain clean and dry. Make a point of putting his diaper into the plastic bag with the clothes too if it's dry and if not put an unused clean diaper in the bag. It's your day and your laundry duty... your carseat... your stroller... your choice. At the end of the day you return him clean and in the condition you got him... diaper and all. If he wets both sets of new clothes then his old clothes and diaper go back on with no fuss from you. Tell him you'll do this with him again soon (and do). After 3 successful totally dry days with you he can take the outfits and the underpants he picked out home with him to celebrate his achievement. Good Luck. My now 4.5yr old was peeing in public toilets at 18mos but he wore a diaper until after age 3 (never pull-ups)... we had to move to underpants cold turkey and grin and bear the accidents for a few days. My 21mo old wears underpants all day long because he's been throwing a tantrum every time we try to put on a diaper. I wash cloth diapers at home so you definitely could not accuse me of being lazy... peed on cloth is peed on cloth regardless of it's intended use... if they're not ready they're really not ready... the only one who controls it is the individual kiddo. For all you know his parents may have already made several creative attempts to encourage potty training with their son... but it's worth a try to see if the Grandma factor is the missing facet.

R.,
I know your intentions are nothing but good, but your grandson being potty trained is, to be blunt, none of your business. It's his parents' job. It's possible that his parents have been strongly encouraging him to use the potty, which can sometimes make things worse, as a child realizes he finally controls something that his parents cannot. Also, if he is trained during the day but not at night, that is very common until age 6 or so. I can understand your frustration, but I would be very surprised if his parents do not want him potty trained even more than you do. Some kids are just difficult to train. I am very close with my mom and ask for parenting advice from her at least several times a month. However, if she offered up unsolicited advice or in any way implied I was not parenting "correctly," I would be ticked and would probably stop asking for advice. If you want your children to come to you for advice re: your grandson, do not offer it unsolicited. They are the parents, and they get to decide when and how to address potty training. Perhaps they are working on it and just have not shared what they are doing. Potty training is not a life or death issue (like sticking objects into an electrical outlet). The best way for you to encourage your grandson's parents and other young mothers is to be supportive, lend an ear and/or hug, and give advice only when it is requested. Otherwise, you are likely to push them away.

Hi R.,
get him the video "once upon a potty" you can get it on amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/Once-Upon-Potty-Him-DVD/dp/B0000CBL...

and don't pressure him. I've been showing that movie to my 2 1/2 year old for about a year. He still wears diapers but sometimes he calls for me to bring him to the bathroom before he go's. But he's still in diapers. Also, I let him run around in underwear at home, and if he go's poop or pee in his underwear it's more noticeable to him, so he let's me know and we change him into another pair of underwear. You could also get him a potty seat that go's on top of the toilet because toilet seats are pretty big for little ones and they can fall in. Make it a fun thing and visit him at his house if you can to encourage him. But remember, boys take longer to learn than girls and everyone go's at their own pace. Have patience he's only been around for 4 years. He's still very young.

let the parents figure it out.

Don't worry about it too much R.. I used to work at a school that provided preschool and we had to turn a lot of kids away that weren't potty trained yet (they were at least 4 yrs old).

Some kids aren't ready... but I promise you by the time he goes to college... he'll be potty trained. :-)

My boy is 3 1/2 and Grandma is worried too, because I didn't do it like she did. Every kid is different and she doesn't really know our situation at home. She doesn't know that we've been talking about it, and trying a few times. We've made a potty chart (reward chart for whenever he does use the potty) and we talk about it every time we have a diaper change. I've tried telling her that we have taken steps, but every time we bring it up, she tells me how she trained my husband when he was 2... before his sister was born.

She's so eager to train my son, I don't like taking him over to her house 'cause it becomes a point of contention between us. So, from the perspective of the mother/daughter... don't let that happen to you and your grand/children. Its not worth the stress for ANYONE.

Hope that helps.

Hi R.,
The bigger issue is why you only see them at church. If you live close enough to attend the same church I would like to think you live close enough to visit. Are the parents avoiding you and your behavior or are you avoiding them? I think you should focus more on the relationship. Base on your information there is little you can do to help with potty training if you only see him at church once a week.
:) S.

My son is 4.5 and won't poop on the toilet unless he is naked. He's peed in the toilet since he was 3, but just when he's wearing underwear or naked, not in pull-ups or diapers. It is very frustrating for me already, and it is compounded when well-meaning people offer unsolicited advice or comment "Oh, He STILL isn't potty trained?" I don't even talk about the toilet with him now and am waiting to see when he is ready.

I tried presents for every poop: worked until he didn't have to poop, sat on the toilet to try, and cried because he couldn't make the poop come out and really wanted a present (he was not constipated or in pain, he just wanted a present).

I tried a sticker chart: he got bored after a week and stopped wanting stickers.

I tried a "big prize" if he was accident free for a week, no dice.

Finally I believe that if they aren't ready, they aren't ready. I still think I may have done something wrong in pushing him at the wrong moment or something, but I really have tried everything the experts recommend; except waiting. Now I am trying that.

It is frustrating in the extreme, but really it is your grandson's decision. My advice is that you love him and interact with him as usual, and don't even mention potty training unless he shows interest in the topic around you. That and offer a supportive ear when his parents talk about it, without judging.

I hope he decides soon! I jave read a lot of blog/ self help/ newsgroup posts and know that our boys are not alone!

Hi R.,

You have gotten lots of great input here, and some not so great so I don't have much to add in the way of advice. I am also a grandma of two little boys ages 3 and 4 (turned 4 last week). They live with me (as does their mother, my daughter)and I am also feeling frustrated that they are not potty trained and seem to show no interest in it.

With that said, I do believe that big issues can be created for children when they are forced to potty train before they are ready. I have a neighbor who makes comments ON A DAILY BASIS about how my grandsons need to be potty trained. Her daughter was invited to the 4 year old's birthday party last week and wanted to buy him "big boy pants" for a gift. I assured her that he has plenty but is not interested in wearing them yet.

It is becoming offensive. Obviously there is some serious judgement on her part about what we "should" be doing. I have told her that we have tried several methods and they are just not interested yet. She said just yesterday that at this rate he'll never make it to high school since they won't allow diapers. As I said, it is offensive because the message is always that the parent, or grandparent who is raising the child, is doing it wrong. That just adds to the frustration and it is really not helpful in the least.

Lazy? Please! Believe me, it would be so much easier and less work to potty train a child than to change messy diapers all day long. It is not about being lazy. MOST parents want to do the right thing by their child and have the best of intentions behind their decisions and actions. I would LOVE IT if I had the option of just being a grandma and not having to worry about the big decisions and their day to day up bringing.

Try to let it go and just enjoy the child. There is a really good chance that your grandson will not be wearing diapers in high school, or even kindergarten, for that matter.

L.

I have a feeling that a lot of kids aren't READY to potty train because they wear fabulous diapers... they never feel wet... they are not uncomfy... And then additionally, yes... boys take longer. I'm a mom of twins... I can tell you mine took a little while longer (they are 3.5 and we're 2 months in underpants)... I have friends with boy/girl twins... and the boys always take longer than their sister... same exact training...

Since you don't have to deal with it... I wouldn't worry about it.

Chances are his parents have talked with their pedi and probably preschool...

Anyone that thinks it's just lazy parenting not to potty train the second their child turns 2 probably doesn't have a very active child... I tried to train my boys at 2.5... They weren't having it... and I don't think it's lazy not to want to wash my carpets, couch, curtains all day long... YES... it was that bad. They had no interest in the toilet... if they needed to pee and I missed it (even with every 20 minute trips to the potty TIMES TWO) they peed where they were...

So, I backed off...waited until we moved and started again...Straight to underpants (which is messy) and we were in pullups... It's very cute to see them RUNNING like mad to the bathroom screaming IIIIIIII gotta POOOTTTTYYYY! Mommy come look! I had about 2 weeks of TONS of laundry... and now it's just a matter of accidents.

I also think it's easier to train in the summer when they can be kept just in their underwear during the day...

Unless this child has a serious problem...he'll probably potty train quickly... Oh... and is it possible he's in diapers for car trips? Maybe his parents don't want to have to rush to the bathroom in the middle of mass.

I think that with the invention of the "pull up" that 4 seems to be the common age for potty training now. I had a lot of trouble with my kids and 4 seemed to be the age they finally got it. Same goes for other folks I know. It just needs to be done, meaning, there will be many "accidents". There has to be a lot of positive reinforcement for the kids and the diapers need to be taken away, maybe only used at night.