Potty Training for Almost 3 Year Old Boy, with Baby Sister

Hi K.,
I understand that you're feeling pressure, but please know that many boys aren't potty trained until closer to 3.5. I went through something similar w/ my son at a little over 3 yrs old, though without the added complexity of a second child. I have heard that times of significant change, such as a vacation, a move, or, certainly, the arrival of a sibling, are bad times to try. I think the main thing going on here, though, is what happened with me and my son -- a power struggle. Your son has found, for likely the first time in his life, something that he can control, no matter what you want him to do. The more important it is to you, the more he will want to control it. The best thing my husband and I did was to lay off completely for about three months. (our son had actually been potty trained for about two weeks but had an accident when he started the new preschool year, and the teacher suggested pull-ups -- biggist mistake ever!!! ego deflated, all potty training progress gone.) For these three months, we absolutely never spoke of the potty, big boy undies --nothing! -- though we did leave the potty out. When we decided to give it another go, we took a four day weekend and explained to our son in very low-key voices that we would not have any diapers in the house starting on Friday because there was no longer anyone in the house who needed them -- you might say you won't have diapers in his size (we did still use overnight diapers so that we wouldn't put too much pressure on him, though he had been dry at night for months -- totally just a strong-willed child issue). He didn't really react, and we just left it at that. When Fri came, we went out on our deck (luckily it was a nice day) without his pants on and put his potty on the deck as well. He was upset because he hated not wearing pants. We explained that we thought no pants would be better because it would be easier to use the potty, etc., but he didn't care (we shouldn't have tried to convince him -- just invalidated his feelings). We quickly told him that we would try it his way (try to give him control over the process where possible), but that if he had an accident, it was okay and we wouldn't be mad but that he would need to try it our way (just undies) because we did the laundry. He agreed. He had an accident. We gave him a big hug and told him it was okay and that he would get the hang of it, and off went the pants. We also created consequences that appeared to have nothing to do with mom and dad. His fav activities at the time were going for bagels w/his dad on Sat morning, going to Music Together on Sun, and going to tennis on Tues. After the first accident on Fri morning, we explained to him that, unfortunately, the bagel store doesn't allow people who might pee on the floor to come in because it was an issue in a place that served food. We were sooooo sorry, but he wouldn't be able to go to the bagel place with Dad on Sat if he had another accident on Fri. Bagel store rules -- nothing we could do. He had another accident. We didn't get upset and kept encouraging him, making sure the potty was nearby, making sure he knew where it was, reminding him to go every 45 minutes, using a fun egg timer to make sure he sat there for three minutes (kids don't understand that they might need to go even if nothing comes out the second they try to go), and not getting upset. The first success he had, we clapped for him and called grandma so that he could deliver the good news. Never mind that he had been briefly potty trained before. Then we kept the praise present but low-key for subsequent successes because he needed to understand that using the potty was expected on a regular basis and wasn't a special occasion. Sat morning we kept to our word and did not let him go to the bagel store. He needed to feel a natural consequence of not being potty trained -- something that appeared to have nothing to do with mom or dad being concerned or upset. I told him that he was doing a great job, and that I was sure he could go all day without an accident so that he could go to music class the next day (carpet, so no pee policy, too, drat it!) and gave him a big hug (he was pretty sad). Sure enough, he went accident free for all of Saturday. He went to music class the next day,and we told him how happy we were that he could go to class because we knew he loved it (we were terrified but made sure he went before leaving for class). We told him that pee is bad for tennis courts, but that if he kept up the wonderful work and kept not having accidents, he would be able to go to tennis. Sure enough, no accidents. And that was that. He only had two accidents after that point (when he was doing something fun at school and didn't want to stop), and the first one wasn't for at least a couple of months. We didn't get upset, but we did ask him what he thought had happened and what might help in the future. We were also sure to interrupt activities we were doing with him because Mommy or Daddy had to go pee, just to role model that behavior for him. For going #2, we did have to resort to small bribes (zip-up pouch with a monkey on it, etc.) and a sticker chart. Number two seems to be an issue for many kids. He wouldn't have accidents; he would just wait until we put on his overnight diaper and get horrible tummy aches. Our son was one of the last to be potty trained in his preschool class, and I know that can feel really tough from your perspective. I was pretty bummed. However, many kids who were "trained" earlier continued to have accidents, while our son did not. Please keep in mind that your son can sense the pressure you're feeling. Also, once your son is trained, it really won't matter to you or anyone else when he was trained. Please try taking a break for several months to eliminate the power struggle. Let him win for now. Then, when you try again, remove all daytime diapers in his size and have the consequences for accidents seem unrelated to you and your hubby so that you can be 100% on his side, and he will not sense any kind of power struggle.

I suggest that if he is fighting it, don't try now. The way to make it last the longest is to fight about it. You don't want to cause long term toileting problems. Clearly he is not ready. Don't give into the pressure of others. You know what is best for your son. TT should happen when he is ready/interested. Good Luck.

Stop trying to get him to sit to pee. Let him stand, like Dad does. Have dad take a very active role in the trainging. Little boys, especially at this age, like to be like dad. Our potty training was going nowhere until they started going in to the bathroom together.

K.,

Get yourself a squirt gun, some Cheerios or Fruit Loops an have target practice. these cereals float and so make potty training a game and shoot the loops!!!

While you may laugh it worked for my boys. Be careful you may get several false alarms since boys tend to get a thrill out of the aim game. ;-)

Good Luck!!
CM

I have a son who will turn 3 in March. He isn't potty trained to the extent of going to the potty when he needs to go, but he will pee on the potty sometimes, so he knows how it works. Right now we suggest using the potty but don't push it except at bedtime, and even then we don't make a big issue out of it if he refuses.

We have a seat that fits on the big toilet (one by Baby Bjorn) and our boy was immediately excited to sit on it (albeit clothed at first), so if you haven't tried that, you might give it a shot. He's big into "I want to do it myself," so he puts the seat on the toilet and climbs up on his own. Initially I think he liked being able to sit on the toilet like mommy and daddy. You could push the big boy aspect of it.

We also have shamelessly used M&Ms as bribes, first for just sitting without his diaper and then for peeing.

We are working up to getting rid of diapers in his size (we have a 9 month old too) and trying for full potty training, since I don't think he is going to decide on his own to give up diapers.

I've gotten him to use the potty a few times by suggesting it, then, when he refuses, saying OK and sitting down myself to use it. That makes him have a fit because I've just taken away the possibility of him using it then, and he will defiantly sit on the potty seat when I get up.

My son is also very strong willed and was just not interested in potty training. He is also big for his age so people would be surprised that he was still wearing diapers. I would have him sit and give him rewards but it didn't really work until he was ready. At 3.5yrs, he told me he didn't want to wear diapers anymore and then it was fairly easy.
B.