Potty Training Traumatized Preschooler Who Saw a Colostomy Stoma

I have a feeling you have been overly "supportive" and have unwittingly nurtured an irrational fear in your son.

You need to be more matter-of-fact and stop trying so hard to listen and support. Your excessive show of concern is having the opposite effect of sending a message that there really IS something to worry about. You need to keep it short and sweet. "Don't worry honey, it is impossible for your insides to fall out. If you want to wear your diaper to poop in, that's fine with me." Let him use the diaper for a while if it will make this easier.

You are obviously a very nurturing parent, but your use of the words "time to heal" and "rush our journey" indicate that you are making this bigger in your child's mind than is really warranted. Most kids would glance at a colostomy stoma and then go back to playing with their toys.

Your son takes his cues from you. If you treat this all as no big deal then he will too. HE doesn't need time to heal -- you're the one who had the surgery. This is not a journey for him unless you make it a journey -- mom just had some surgery, that's all. It's actually your journey, not his.

Stop worrying about him so much -- he is feeding off of your worry. I hope you're healing well.

p.s. Not trying to dismiss or judge, I'm just offering my perspective and experience. I made mistakes in parenting, and you will too, even if I'm wrong and this isn't one of them.

As someone who has two ostomies I can't even begin to help. I have had mine since my kids were 2, 3, 4, and 5 and it was never an issue. Then again they never set eyes on a stoma. I would seek so e professional help. You need some guidance. For this one. Sorry I could not help.

I have to agree with other response. I was critically ill for a long time. My outlook was always positive and very matter of fact. I did have meltdowns when things were really really bad. However, I never let my kids in on those. Only once did one of my kids realize how bad it was. It was my birthday. She was10 at this point and was coming to visit. During night went into liver failure. I looked like a pumpkin. Could not get to them in time because they were running errands. When she got there is was not good, however, I managed to calm her down n she was OK. PS she is now an OR nurse.

I think that if the following doesn't work, you may need a child therapist. His anxieties are probably not just about himself. I'm guessing he doesn't want mommy going away to the hospital anymore and that adds to his already stressful thoughts.

My advice is coming from a mom of a little boy whose dad had a brain hemorrhage, was hospitalized for 6 months and who will never be the same dad he knew. And believe me, he asked, more than once, if he is going to have one, too. Not to mention I can lean toward the anxious side, too. My son has since had 2 sports injuries to the head--golf and baseball--and it took everything I had not to let him know I was worried about him having a brain hemorrhage (while we sat in the same emergency room as we did for dad) waiting for stitches and x-ray results.

You need to backtrack a bit. You need to keep it simple and in 4 year old or younger language. He is now coming at this from the angle that "this is how some people poop and I may be one of those some people!"

If I were in this situation I would say, "Mommy was very, very sick and my pooper was broken so MY doctor made it so I could poop differently for a while. But now I don't need to poop that way anymore. YOUR doctor said your pooper is fine and will ALWAYS be fine and you can poop the normal way. Your doctor said that you do NOT need that special opening that I had and he is not going to give you that opening." Don't worry about being politically correct, don't worry about fear that you are lying to him if he gets sick one day--just get him over this hump in a simple, straightforward way. STRESS the fact that his doctor said he is fine! You do not want him to suddenly develop a fear of going to the doctor thinking he will cut an opening in him.

The best thing the ICU nurses, and later I, did for my son was to ask him if he has any questions and just spend time answering them. They spent so much time with him, I will never forget that. He knew we would keep no secrets from him. We just answered him on his level. Stop and think like an anxious 4 year old before you answer. If he says, "Will this happen to me?" you don't say, "probably not", you say "No, it will not. I was very sick and you are very healthy. I had a special kind of sickness that you will not get. And the only way to poop this way is if the doctor gives you the special opening and show him that he doesn't have that opening. Sorry, no opening so you have to poop the boring way for the rest of your life!"

The other thing that jumped out at me, from an anxious person's perspective, is the fairy garden. If it is working, fine. But my main concern here is that you are using it to help protect him and help him feel safe. A person would only need protection if there is a threat. So maybe in his little mind there is still a threat if he needs the fairies watching over him. If he is okay and normal he would not need this sort of protection. I hope I am explaining this okay. I know I am rambling.

I guess, to help your son, I wouldn't "normalize" the stoma. If he had no fears about it then I would stick to the "this is how some people poop" scenario. Your son needs to be told that the stoma is NOT the norm. He is a healthy young boy and will not need the stoma. Maybe have him name all the people he can think of like this and make it fun! He says, "Does dad have a stoma?" You say, "nope!". "Does Uncle Jimmy have a stoma?" You say, "nope, no stoma for Uncle Jimmy!" "Does Mickey Mouse have a stoma?" "No, silly, no stoma for Mickey!" And trade off. You ask, "Does our doggie have a stoma?" and let him answer and on and on.

Maybe also let him pick out a new potty or new diapers. Let him take the lead on the next step. And have dad let him watch while he goes to the bathroom, too!

I hope I was able to help! Good luck!

added:
p.s. I don't get how you can have a 4 yr old if you were pregnant for the first time in Jan of 2011?? And how would a 2 or 3 year old remember something like that from last year when they were 1 or 2??

I have to agree with Rosebud, you are very loving but have inadvertently nurtured his fear instead of helping him though it. Why do you think this is something no kid can normalize? Kids are very resilient. I know a handful of friends who's children walked in on changing a tampon. Mom bleeding to death isn't easy either.

There are a lot of things kids see that is scary and they don't understand. You help them understand there is nothing to fear. What you have done is tell him his fear is real, that he has every reason to believe his insides will fall out.

Our bodies are like plumbing, use plumbing to explain. Just keep explaining that his fear is valid but not rational. It won't hurt him to know the truth. Clearly what you are currently doing isn't helping.

Please understand we are not stupid. You say this is how some people poop and he is going to fill in the blanks himself. You need to sit down and have an conversation. Fill in his imagination with facts. You do not poop that way because you use the toilet. Stop and listen, let him ask the questions he needs to have answered.

Please find a pediatric counselor who specializes in medical issues.
Of course your son would hold onto something which is so markedly unusual.

Years ago, I nannied a child who'd had to have IV fluids several months before; she still had infrequent bad dreams about this and woke up screaming. I think you have to just go forward. Perhaps getting a referral from your own pediatrician, or seeing a developmental pediatrician would be helpful. We want our children to be able to use the toilet confidently, esp. as they get older and enter preschool/Kindergarten. I'd start with your pediatrician and see what sort of resource they might be able to point you toward; the counseling might be partly covered by insurance if they can link it as a developmental therapy.

Everybody poops.
It's natural and necessary.
People (old and young), animals, pets, zoo critters, caterpillars, etc.
Explain it as something that we all do.
If other family members don't mind, have him observe them in the bathroom.
You were sick for awhile but are better now.
He's young and most kids memories are pretty short at that age.
Offer to walk a neighbors dog and help pooper scoop after it with your son.
There's a book called "Everybody Poops" - read it together.
Maybe ditch his potty chair for something different.
Be patient and don't remind him of what you went through.
He'll get it eventually.

I consider my self a very loving and accepting parent as well, we don't believe in spanking or negative reinforcement, especially for developmental milestones like pottying or sleeping in your own bed. That said, I agree with much of what ℜ❀$Eღud❧ has said.

Please don't take offense, I don't think you should dismiss his fears, I understand wholeheartedly the inclination to allay his fears by reassurance. But on occasion children need their parents to be firmly in the corner of rational, logical thought, so much so that it can seem cold or dismissive.

If you tell him that a colostomy bag is a scary thing, and you understand why he would be so scared, you could unknowingly be increasing his fear by acknowledging it as something that makes sense. If instead you respond by insisting that a colostomy bag is not scary at all but just a treatment that doctors sometimes do for adults to make them well, it dismisses his fear and lets him react the same way.

Just a different perspective.

As far as the potty, I would put it away for a few weeks and bring it back out with a new system of rewards: a chart, a special bag of treasure to choose from when he gets 5 "trying" stars on the potty chart, a special trip to a fun place he loves for his first all-potty day, etc. All smiles, all fun, NO fear. If he acts scared, offer hugs but don't discuss the fear, just redirect his attention to the fun (rewards).

Good luck!

I'm glad you're doing well now. I'm sure it was a tough time in your lives.

I'm sorry that your son actually saw your ostomy bag. It would have been better if he had been spared that. Too late now.

I don't think that MP is the wrong place to bring this question, per se, but I'm not sure that you'll get an answer here that will really help you. It's very unusual to get someone on this site that has this rare an issue.

I don't think that you need to be maligning yourself for the "language" you used to normalize this. Your son may have felt scared of this regardless of HOW you would have explained it. Indeed, there are kids whose parents have never had an ostomy bag and were afraid of pooping in the potty because part of themselves gets flushed.

There HAS to be a support group that your doctor could point you to in order to help you with this. You need people with this experience to advise you. You might also talk to social workers from the hospital. They offer follow-up advice from when you were in the hospital.

Good luck.

Where is dad? I think it is time for dad to take over as much potty training as possible. Is your son in any day care? That can also help when he sees other kids, with bodies just like his, being able to get to the potty on time, get their pants down and do their business, Especially going to the potty in front of his son.

Your son will probably remember what he saw, but with dad at least he will realize that this is how his own body is going to work.

I'm not a doctor, so I could be totally out of left field here, and if I am, I apologize.

I think part of the issue might be that you said "this is how some people poop". Which makes it sound like it's a common thing and COULD happen to him. Unless they are told or shown, children don't usually know how the body actually works - they don't understand digestion, respiration, etc. He doesn't realize that his body is functioning much differently than yours where pooping is concerned. He thinks it's the same and can't understand how you can tell him it won't happen, when obviously it is happening for you.

YOU have to poop the way you do because something is not functioning correctly in your digestive tract. This isn't how most people poop - it's how people with very specific digestive issues poop, and he doesn't understand that.

An age appropriate book about the digestive system, or here's a 3 minute kids video about the digestive system that shows how HIS healthy/typical digestive system works.

Here's a video about a girl with ulcerative colitis talking about her ostomy. I think she's younger than 20. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkk4Sy2PSKs

It may help if he knows how a healthy body (his) works, and that mommy's digestive system wasn't working so the doctor's build a special opening so that you could poop and be healthy. The ostomy isn't scary if he knows what it is and why it's there.

Perhaps talk to your doctor and find out if they have a kids book about colostomies (I found several resources about kids with colostomies, but you need one about a parent having one).

there is a book actually called.. everybody poops..

might want to read it..

our house was robbed when my son was 3 almost 4.. I thought he got over it... nope.. he still cant sleep in his bed 3 years later... too scary with theose bad guys around..

see a professional counselor..

I think the best thing you can do for your son is to help him get over this immediately. Being supportive of his fears is not working. Believe me when I say I understand your tendency to show nothing but love and patience. I had the same tendency to want to coddle my daughter when my son, her brother died. I knew however that her brothers death could not be an excuse for not paying attention in school for example. It very may have been the reason she was not paying attention but since I wanted to raise a mentally healthy child, I couldn't let fear take a hold of her or occupy her thoughts.
Re: your son...I think you need to tell him he is a big boy, his insides will not fall out and to go to the potty like a big boy. No more diapers.
He is taking his cues from you and granted you and your family have been through a lot but kids are amazingly resilient and you should not let this define him or you. Enough is enough he needs to use the potty like the healthy 4 yo he is.

How old is your child? You posted in early 2011 that you were just learning you were pregnant, so if my math is right, your son should be either 2 or just turned 3, yet you state he is 4? There's a big difference in 2 and 3 and 4.

I'd really advise counseling for you and your son. This will probably rattle nerves, but I just don't think it's always appropriate to share everything with children, and I think you def over shared here... There's no reason your so needed to see your stoma, yes, you answer questions and give information in an age appropriate and as needed basis, but him seeing it at that age is a little much... Time can't be turned back, but def speak with a mental health professional that specializes in children - best of luck with your health in the future!

I'm wondering if you've considered that this fear has little or nothing to do with your stoma, fear of pooping on the potty is a very normal response to potty training. I don't need to google for images of stomas, as I've changed many ostomy bags in my work as a nurse, a stoma in itself is not really that scary of a sight. My father had open heart surgery when my son was 3, he had an incision from his elbow to his wrist (in addition to the large one on his chest, but my son never saw it). My 3 year old just saw it as a ouchie, and even compared it to a tiny scrape on his own knee. Kids that age don't have a concept of the scale of what they are seeing. I think you just may be blaming this on your ostomy because you want to give it a cause, when in reality it is a pretty normal part of development. Perhaps you should treat it as such. We haven't personally had that problem, but I know many moms suggest having kids sit on the potty while in the diaper, then dumping the poop and flushing while slowly transitioning them to going with no diaper. And for the record, you don't do yourself (or anyone else with an ostomy) any favors by describing it as "colon hanging out of the stomach," it's really no where near as dramatic as that.

Have you gone online and shown him pictures and other scientific information so he can see what it actually is? And what it did for you? He may have interpreted what he saw into all sorts of odd things.

I know I saw a tarantula at my grandmother's graveside funeral and to this day when I see one I associate that tarantula to her house and our visits there.

She never even had spiders in her house but in my young pre-school mind I associated these creatures to her and to my experiences at her home. I was terrified of all sorts of things for years.

But when we went back to the cemetery and saw her grave I saw a simple burial plot and not a field of huge hairy spiders crawling everywhere.

I think if I'd have had someone go through the experience with me and even taken me back through the cemetery when I was younger I wouldn't have had all those issues.

Sorry you have had answers focused on making this somehow your fault. That just wasn't necessary at all!

This is so different from what most of us would have experienced with potty training -- which can be tough enough for some kids, even without the trauma you describe -- that I really do hope you immediately seek out professional help for your son. This is a difficult and delicate issue but one which you must start working on or when he turns five and is going to kindergarten, he will suffer embarrassment and further trauma when he poops in his pants at school. It's not a matter of "if" he does it; it's a matter of when, unless he gets real and serious help with the toileting issue.

You will need to find a pediatric therapist or counselor who is willing to talk to YOU and your husband or significant other a lot, to establish exactly what your son saw, how he reacts, what you should do at home between therapy visits, etc. Someone who plunges right in seeing him without establishing the whole picture of the past year is not going to work. Your son might need a lot of "play therapy" or therapy where he draws pictures to get out feelings he doesn't want to say out loud, etc. Please see his pediatrician right away and explain the need to find someone quickly, but someone who is the right person to deal with this very specific trauma. Don't try to handle this alone as a family -- this is truly a case crying out for intervention, and now, before he is heading into school and is further traumatized if he either holds his pee and poop and gets ill, or loses control at school and gets teased.

Have you tried asking him to sit on the potty and try and that you or his father will sit with him and make sure his "insides" don't fall out? Or perhaps a trip to the pediatrician (has he had a physical this year?) can help calm his fears if the doctor assures him that he's not going to poop that way?