D.B.
Wow, you are really balancing a lot. But kudos to you for realizing that something needs to change and taking action to make changes.
Here's advice I got from a book called Women Who Love Too Much (which, by the way, I really didn't think applied to me, until I got to this part). It said if you're trying to get over a guy, pray for him. Pray that he will get everything he needs. "Dear Lord (or whomever you pray to), Please give 'Joe' his highest good. You know what he needs, I don't. Please give 'Joe' his highest good."
Pray this EVERY TIME YOU THINK OF HIM. If you keep doing that, one day you won't feel bad about him. And then after a while you won't think of him as often. And sooner or later you will forgive him.
In the instructions she said, Don't pray that he'll realize how stupid he was to leave you and come back, don't pray that he'll give up drugs/alcohol/cheating/whatever...because YOU don't know what he needs. God does.
You are absolutely right that the baby kicks when you think negative thoughts--you're passing on those feelings and ideas. When you're positive, you're a better parent already. When you're positive with him, he has the opportunity to become a better parent. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But extending that grace will make YOU feel better.
Okay, I'd better take this advice for myself again...practice, practice. Best of luck to you, K..
db
About Me: Single mom of beautiful, brilliant 2 year old daughter.