Preparing for Child #2 - Renton,WA

My suggestion is to stop trying for now. Even if he gets it before the baby comes, chances are he will revert back which will only lead to more frustration. However, if you are set on training him now, get ride of the pullups and buy some extra underwear. He will have accidents at first, but will work through it. My kids peed in their pullups religiously and when asked why they would say because they can, they are pullups. I took them away and no more "accidents".

I'm in a group of moms and know about six or seven three-and-a-half-year-old boys and not one of them was trained before he was three! My own son was trained when he was ready despite the fact that he totally understood when to go, when he needed to go, etc. But now he's in underwear in the day AND at night, so I'm glad I waited! Also, if you're having another child, I would not push it at all as he will likely regress to going in his pants again once the shock of the sibling hits him. He could be one of those kids, though, that doesn't want to be in diapers because his baby brother/sister is, so I'll cross my fingers that that's the case! But remember that going potty is a control issue for toddlers and the more you push, the more he's going to push back and continue to go in his pants/pull-ups. I would let it go for a while and then institute a sticker chart (after say 10 stickers, he gets a new toy or something).

A sticker chart or some kind of reward system might also work for going to bed on his own. Give him a sticker for every night he falls asleep on his own, then another for every night he stays in his bed all night and then he gets a toy or treat after 5 or 10 or whatever you decide. This worked well for my son who was just over 2 when we started wanting him to go to bed on his own because I was pregnant with twins and knew I wouldn't have the time to sit at the side of his bed for ever and ever when they were born! He caught on very quickly thankfully and we even moved him to a big boy bed after that and he loved it! No regression there, thankfully! Good luck!

He just isn't ready yet to be potty trained. Starting at one is awfully young since their body isn't ready for that yet. Some parents have had success at an early age, but it sounds like your isn't going to fit into that category. What to do: I would stop worrying about it and let him do it on his own- he will eventually be potty trained! :) Stop stressing about it and enjoy your little boy. The constant every hour potty break only reminds him of failing and frustrates you - it's not worth it.

The fact that your husband is getting angry at him isn't helping the situation - obviously. Getting mad never helps in most situations, it tends to only make it worse. Plus, it is immature on your husband's part to have an expectation and when that expectation isn't met he throws a temper tantrum - what he is doing is an adult temper tantrum. My father expected me to make certain accomplishments at too young of an age and when I failed he got angry (like eating with a fork properly by age one) - all that did was make me scared of him :(

One of the first things to learn as a parent is to NOT COMPARE YOUR KIDS TO OTHERS! All children develop at their own pace. One thing for sure is that they will all make the same strides. In the big picture - you will look back and wonder why you made such a big deal of it in the first place.

And lastly, WHO CARES IF YOUR HUSBAND'S FAMILY WERE ALL POTTY TRAINED BY AGE 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good for them, did they get an award? Did it make them a better person? Are they more successful b/c of it?
NO. Move on. And tell your husband to get over himself :)

I would let the potty stuff go because it seems that he isn't ready and that's OKAY. I agree with the other poster who mentioned that regression may occur when the new baby comes and if he isn't ready it's okay to wait until he is. The stress on him and you is not worth it.

I agree with you that the sleeping arrangements need to be changed before the new baby arrives. I think that should be your main focus right now. Maybe you can get him something special for his bed like a new pillow, a new comforter, new bedtime toy or a special night light that he can have once he sleeps for one week in his bed without coming into mommy and daddy's bed. Once he goes a week, give him his reward on the condition that once he comes back into your bed he will lose it until he goes another week.

Good Luck and congrats on the new bundle! Enjoy!

Little boys PHYSICALLY aren't ready for potty training until 3 or 4 (usually). I seriously doubt your husband was fully potty-trained by 2, and it might help out by doing a little research like talking to him mom and getting HER side of the story.
If your husband was a whiz kid and did actually potty train completely with no accidents- it may be good of you to remind him that your son is not him, and he will come into his own on his own time. :)
He's only three- and pushing this will only hurt him and confuse him more (mommy and daddy should support him, not hurt his feelings).
SIDENOTE: My son is 19months and I'm about 7 months pregnant, so I'm just planning on potty training them both at the same time. MY husband's mom said if my son is anything like hers, I'll be lucky if he's out of diapers by 4!!!! LOL

While there are exceptions, very few children train for keeps before 2.5 at the earliest, and boys usually not before 3, sometimes as late as 4 years. Before then, a child's nervous system, his emotional capacity, and his physical ability to recognize and hold an urge are simply not developed enough. Parents who start working with their children earlier than that usually end up angry and frustrated, with distressed and resistant children. Right now you've got yourself trained to get him to the toilet – he probably doesn't reliably recognize the urge in time. And the "training" just drags on, and on, and on….

I'm afraid you may have two problems with trying to train your son now. First, he's probably fed up with the process, and feels like a failure. You may as well be requiring him to pole-vault. His emotional readiness has probably been pushed back a few months by all the pressure he's received so far, so more force of any kind is not likely to help. Punishment or anger from a parent is almost always counterproductive when it comes to any issue of bodily control.

Second, even kids who are well-trained by the time a new baby arrives will often respond to the stress by regressing and having accidents again. So your timing is really not ideal on that count, either. Sorry that the news isn't better, but there is no phase of a child's pjhysical development that happens on the parents' schedule.

Kids really want to train when all their ducks are in a row. When the time comes, training often takes only days, with no more reward than a happy and supportive parent and a new set of big boy underwear. It's as natural as starting to walk or talk when the child is ready. I think you'll be doing yourselves AND your son a huge favor by letting him adjust to his new sibling before instituting any other major changes.

On the sleep issue, you don't say how long till #2 will arrive. If it's less than maybe 6 weeks, I wouldn't force major changes now, or your son may believe he's being rejected in favor of the newbie. And particularly because you haven't been consistent in your approach so far.

But have you considered making up a cozy "special" sleeping spot for him beside your bed, and allowing him to fall sleep there, or join you there in the middle of the night? I've also heard reports from parents who "add value" to their children's rooms by sleeping on the floor for awhile beside the child's bed.

By the way, based on the positive experiences of several young families I know, I think you will like the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Faber and Mazlish.

Good luck to your growing family!

Hi E.,
I have very similar stories with both of my boys :) My oldest we tried potty training like crazy from 2 (I also felt the pressure). Finally I decided - enough - he will do it when he is ready and I swear to you, it happened a month later. We backed off and then he was on board. We used stickers as his treat after he went. My second son we didn't pressure and a couple months before he turned 3 he potty trained also.

As for the sleeping, he is old enough to know that it's OK for him to sleep in his own bed :) Have you tried laying with him in his bedroom and then giving loves and tell him good-night? He might fuss, but it will only last a short time and 1. He's not hungry, 2. Nobody is hurting him, 3. He is in a safe spot...then it's OK for him to fuss a little. The first night will be the hardest but it will get better. As for the 3AM visit, we put a door knob cover on the outside of our bedroom door so when they tried to come in, we could hear them and take them right back to their own bed. You'll be surprised, but they usually snuggle right back down.

Good luck :)

Because of our use of diapers (particularly disposables) children are potty training later and later. Start by switching your son to cloth training pants or even underwear. He needs to feel wet and uncomfortable and make the connection between cause and effect. Also, keep in mind that the average age for children to make the mind/body connection to potty train is around 2, so this is between 18 months and 2 and a half years for most children. Once he figures out the cause and effect, he will still have accidents as his brain retrains to recognize the need to eliminate signals. It will go from signal at immediate release to eventually know 10-20 minutes in advance that the need is present. It all takes time! But, please get him out of disposables - they will not help. Also, your husband needs to back off a bit. The stress will not help but actually hinder your son's ability to relax and learn this new skill. He has been trained since birth to eliminate in his diaper, now he is being told it's wrong and needs to go in the potty. It takes time to change! And last, the oldest child tends to take longer. Your subsequent children will learn faster simply because they will want to follow their older sibling's examples and be big like them. So that is probably why your husband's family "remembers" children being potty trained early. But you might be curious to find out when the oldest trained.

As for the sleeping arrangements, have you considered putting your son's bed in your room temporarily. He can learn to fall asleep in his own bed but you will still be there - or one of you can put him to bed in his room and stay with him until he falls asleep. It's something you should start right away so he does not feel shoved out by the new baby. If it's already established that he is a big boy and sleeps in his own bed now, he won't feel like the baby is replacing him causing a series of other issues! If he has his bed in your room, mention subtley to him that you could move his bed to his room so the baby doesn't wake him every night. The crying, if it distrubs him, may be enough to make him take you up on the suggestion and decide to move to his room. It will be his decision and he will feel better than if he is moved out by you guys. The idea is to avoid aggression and resentment of the new baby. So make changes now while there is time to adjust to the new arrangement or wait until a few months after the baby. It will save a lot of heartache!

Hi! I am expecting and my book on toddlers says to not even attempt potty training right now. So we are just letting him watch us go and flush the toilet, and we dump his poops in the toilet and let him flush those. I also just read an article that said starting traing before 27 months old can actually lead to it taking way longer to help your child become trained. I hope this will make it easier for you and your husband to just relax and give your son the time he needs to grow up.I always love it when folks tell me that at college graduation ceremonies you can't tell who was potty trained by three. Everything I've read and everyone I have talked to has said that boys take longer, but I also know plenty of little girls who are taking their time too. For me, it is not something I want to worry about. We'll get there when the time is right. I wish you less stress!

This may not be the enlightening answer you're looking for, but I think in general you are doing fine. It's true that kids used to potty train earlier (before disposable diapers), and in most of the rest of the world (Asia, Africa, S. America) they don't use disposable diapers so they train VERY early (before they're walking!). But here, since we wait so long, a lot of developmental attitude comes into it, and at age 2.5-3, they are learning to make their own decisions, so they're not as easy to work with.

I'd ask your husband to have some more patience and compassion and see that anger distresses your son unnecessarily and makes it harder for him to make gains. He's feeling scared and ashamed of his accidents, but he can't help it, his body/mind is still learning. Those feelings are holding him back. Just keep encouraging him, and taking him regularly. It's OK to still be reminding him, many kids need that for a long time.

As for the co-sleeping, well, you might want to try a more consistent approach as it may be confusing for him to sometimes be welcome and sometimes not, and not know why. I might try a weaning approach, of progressively having him in there less and less, if that's what you want. When the baby comes, you can tell him that he needs to be in his own bed because it's not safe for the baby to have so many of you in the bed, and you don't sleep well. Of course, apparently he doesn't sleep well on his own! My son still sleeps in my bed sometimes, and we have a 6 month old. But I encourage him to be in his own bed because he moves around a lot and if I bring the baby into bed to feed her I'm afraid she'll get kicked (like I do).

Best wishes!

My son was the same way and we tried all of the things you have seemed to try. So, I decided to not pester him about it anymore. I stopped asking him if he had to go potty, stopped saying "potty time", no pull-ups (they know it won't cause a mess if they go in them). I made him clean and put dirty undies in the laundry. After a few days, no more accidents. Accident free for 2 weeks now. He has told me he has to potty, held it in the car and gone in public. Even learned to go standing up outside. I also stopped getting mad, I was just indifferent. Good luck!

Also, I have a 6 month old as well as the 2.5 year old. Get him out of your bed now. Sleep train now. It will be even harder after the baby arrives.

well, my daughter is 3 1/2, and she's just finally gotten the hang, within the last 2-3 months, of going to the potty herself. She still wears pullups at night and for naps.

And about the sleep thing, she tries to come get me at 6 every morning. I implimented a sticker program. (she loves stickers!) she picked out 2 sets at the store, and she gets a sticker every morning she stays in her room until I come get her. She loves it. If there's something small like that that could be incentive for your son, I highly recommend it.

M&Ms were what worked for getting our dd to poop on the potty. She LOVES ms, so she would poop so she could get one. We kept an eye on her, and she generally pooped between 5 and 7 every night, so we started sitting her on the potty at 6 every day after dinner to try to poop. After a couple of weeks, she started going on her own to poop. She was poop on the potty trained way before pee, which, I think, was because she was predictable with her poop times. Good luck!

My hard learned lesson that someone told me when I had children and it proved true, there are three things you can not make a child do---eat, sleep, and go pee or poops on schedule or before they are ready.

My son, although dry for long hours during the night and day, was not interested in potty training---period. Finally when he was going into his four year old preschool class and I came to pre-visit, the teacher told me, within ear shot of him, that she usually did not take children in diapers. Well, all his friends were going, so he was going. He was trained over night.

Easiest thing I never did.

It doesn't matter when everyone else is potty trained. It doesn't make them smarter or better. You have to do what works for you son and your family. I waited for the signs. I caught both my boys peeing before/after a shower, so I quickly put them on the toilet. So during bath time I would place them on the toilet. Then I noticed they were waking up dry. I didn't fully potty train my oldest until he was a little over 3. With baby #2 coming 4 months before his birthday, I didn't want to do all this hard work and then he would regress either from the baby or my laziness. I'm currently in the process with #2, but he does not like to sit on the potty when he thinks he doesn't have to go. Consistency is the only thing that will work. It could be a short time or a long time. I don't know if it's personality or the age, but my oldest had a better concept of needing to pee.

My kids are just under 3 years apart so I was also trying to potty train my 2.5 year old son while pregnant. It didn't work. He got used to using the potty and would use it when prompted but he was nearly 4 before he was in underwear all the time. I'd say let it go for now (mostly let go of your stress over it). If he is just barely potty trained when the baby comes he will probably regress anyway and have accidents.

I'd work on the sleeping arrangements first. Maybe you can transition him to a mattress in your room and then to his own room.

m'self, just going back to diapers until he is ready to drive the process on his own is just ENORMOUSLY less stress. Bigger kids (as you note) can stay dry for HOURS, so it's really only like four diapers a day or something. Imagine the removal of the daily worry and cajoling and upset, for both of you. He *will* train, eventually. Pushing him probably makes him pay more attention to the emotional events than to the physical events ;) SIGH!

And I just want to add to these types of discussions that I and other cloth diapering moms can end up with kids who don't train until after three as well--undoubtably the disposables mess the whole "what just happened?" thing up for kids, but it's not just the disposables. In my kids' case and some other moms I've talked to, there was a period around 18 months-20 months ... and it's only a few days to a week, in my kids ;) ... when they would have finally been capable and also been amenable to training. Having in each case been FAR too distracted by other goings-on to catch that moment, we've have to wait another 1.5 to 2 years until the kid comes around to their own drive. (Tried to recapture it with #1. Went poorly. Didn't try that with the others.)

If I had it to do again, I'd try that new-fangled-old-fangled diaperless thing ;), and they'd all have been trained so early they'd have no idea there was another option ;)!!

I wish potty training was something every generation had written about for the last 6000 years, because I sure do feel like every generation for the last bunch has tried to reinvent the wheel : P!!!

I have three girls ages 9,7, and 3 - and have helped my mom raise dozens of foster children. I used to be a big fan of pull-ups and used them religiously after getting my first two girls out of diapers during the day. Problem was that I could never get them out of the pull ups. Finally when baby #3 was on the way my mom suggested NOT putting the pull up on. I didn't think it would work since both girls filled them most nights. Surprise! What I learned was that at that stage if they know they can use it, they will even subconsciously so it seems. Especially now that they are made so well that it isn't comfortable. With #3 baby my friend and I did a playdate trade and she was set on this training in 3 days system. I hated it, thought they were too young and that I was the one being trained but now I see that it works. The scoop is that you take away the diapers and pull ups completely. schedule a time that you can stay home for three days straight and not do anything else. Consider it sick leave if you must. Buy 20-30 undies and give your child a ton of fluids. Take them to potty every so often - say every hour at least. When they we their pants rush them to the potty and say 'uh-oh, we go on the potty, not the floor' without scolding. then rewards of popsicles (fluids) or stickers if they get any in the toilet. As with everything (including bedtime) consistency is absolutely the key with children. (and with us right?!) if he's not completely trained by then he'll be way improved. Bedtime is hard because we all love to snuggle our kiddos and miss out when we are strict about keeping the lines drawn between their beds and ours. I told myself that I could do a short snuggle in a chair in their room (not bed because then they expect you in theirs) and then look forward to snuggling on the couch in the morning right away to get MY fix.) then a couple tough nights and you should find the same results - they understand the boundaries and eventually give in. There are periods when they may fall back like when they are sick or in a growth spurt (potty accidents) My big girls are now worse about accidents than my 3 year old!! but just know that is part of life and while it may not get easier and we all have our frustrations or meltdowns, this too shall pass. A caveat if you must get them back to an outside routine (childcare) after that three days is that instead of pull ups find those ones that feel wet when they go - or better yet rubber pants that go over cloth diapers if care givers are willing to clean up for this transition period. p.s. I'm totally with the one who said we tend to train late - when it happens at 2 yrs they get trained before they get willful. Of course for some its harder than others but later can be tough.

Why the rush, it really isn't that bad having two in diapers, Boy's are a lot harder to train. I have seen it be an issue and I am currently going through it. One day it will just click. That is what I am banking on. We learned this first hand when our daughter finally potty trained at night, she was good during the day for two years then all of a sudden night time happened. We didn't have to clean up any messes, no crying no hassel it just happened. Now that is the way I go. Why rush something they just are not ready for. Besides really it is so much easier to have them in diapers with a newborn. You don't have to get up all the time to help them go potty in the toilet, Seriously think about it. Most boys don't even show interest until they are three.No rush.

I'd stop all potty trainng efforts at this point. In 1-2 months, start from scratch with no pull ups. Get your son involved and "on board" with the idea. I'm not sure that I can say we're done with the process, but one of the things that my daughter said about 2 weeks before she turned 3 was that when she turned 3, there would be no more pee pee in her panties. She's kept her word other than 2 times which were circumstancial. It was literally overnight for her oce she had a timeline that she cohse and was in agreement with.

At least you are trying I have told my daughters teacher she has to work with her more bc she tells me at home when she has to go. The teacher does not so I am spending tons of money on pull ups and she is 21 months. I cant really offer any advice on this bc we are going through a lot with it ourselves.
Second question: When he does this keep moving him back to his room and tell him he is a big boy and needs to sleep in his own bed. You could also try laying a bed in your room just to get him out of his bed. We used the CIO method with our kids and it works great I know its not for everyone, but it worked for us. Both my daughters are sleeping in the same room and have been for 3 months. My girls are 21 and 9 months! I just wanted to give some ideas I hope something works for ya'll! :)

to start...you won't have 4 in the bed if you don't let the baby sleep in the bed! I am not against co-sleeping, but you seem to not want that to be the situation...if you don't want another in the bed, don't let the baby sleep in the bed! As for the older one...sounds to me like he is resisting potty training because he has been forced to work on it for such a long time - and clearly during a time when he was not ready. I would stop for a couple of weeks and start over, with a new approach, when he is actually ready. I can't imagine (although I was not in the situation) that having two in diapers is the worst thing in the world...other than having to pay for diapers. The technique that worked for me (which is nothing more than a suggestion) was to put my son in a diaper with underwear over (no pull-ups -I don't see the point to them). He was really excited about his underwear, and i kept reminding him that whatever design/character was on them needed to stay clean and dry. He literally had only 1 accident ever. I took him to the bathroom every 15 minutes for the first 2 day, then 30 minutes, and then every hour. After 3 days he started to tell me that he didn't have to go...we took the diaper off and he was great! remember - this is what worked for us...I think that regardless of the technique, the key is whether or not he is ready.

Good luck with everything!

If your son cannot feel the urge he can't tell you when he needs to go. But the majority of the problem is most likely the Pull-ups; they wick away moisture, taking away part if the learning process. I would suggest underwear accompanied by plastic/rubber cloth diaper covers. I would also have the washing machine at the ready!