Preschoolers' and Behavior

You are doing exactly what you need to do! No begging, bartering or sweet talk. Going in the car seat is not a choice, she needs to learn this. If she cries and screams, oh well, ignore it and continue on where you need to go.
There are times when it's appropriate to offer children incentives for good behavior, or punishments for bad behavior, but this isn't isn't one of those times. Being properly restrained in a car seat is non negotiable.
Hang in there momma!

If you have to pick her up outside come from behind and put your arm across her shoulder and through her crotch area. This way she can flail all she likes but can't kick or hit you. You will also have a hand free for whatever you have to carry. Toss her into the car without warning giving her minimal time to mount a defense.
When you get her in to the car swing your leg across her lap to prevent her from moving while you buckle.
Keep earplugs in your car so her screeching will have minimal impact on your driving.
The way to "get" her to behave is for her to lose enough battles with you.

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Had a brief encounter with my 3 year old boy just like this when he was younger. I literally had to grab him and restrain him in the seat to buckle him in. I didn't give in and just continued to let him know that it's not a choice and that he has to sit in the seat. I know it's hard when they try to slide out, but another mom suggested using your leg to restrain which is a great idea I never thought of. Good luck

She sounds tired or over-tired or needs sleep.

Once they start school.... kids get very tired, by the end of their day.
It is "work" for them, staying on cue, listening and be spot on. It is tiring for them.
Then they come home and are over-tired. Tired kids this age, get fussy and have nil, patience.
Give her a snack. Let her have quiet time and Deflate at home.
They need, to unwind.
Just like an adult would, after they come home from an all day hard day at work.
They want to just gel.

I have 2 kids. There are good kids but were like this, after Preschool.
And they need to transition.... to after school and coming home. It is a change of pace and demands.

Kids listen in school and once with their Mom they get un-glued. Because, they know that with Mommy, they can let their hair down.
Instead of assuming it is for "attention"... talk with her calmly. Tell her what you need to do, get in the car, and explain to her what is coming up. ie: going home, eating a snack, she can unwind and relax, etc.
Her acting like that to me, is her trying to tell you something.
And kids this age are not rocket-scientists about explaining how they feel.
And they don't even have astute communication skills.
So, talk with her.
Tell her "I know its hard and you don't like this... but we need to get home. The Police won't like if you are not in your seat buckled in. We can then go home, have a nice snack and you can relax. Hey, tell me about your day! Did you make anything today?...." and all the while you are calmly talking to her.... get her buckled in. Distract her with your talking and "commiserating" WITH her.... and/or using HUMOR to distract her and get her calmed down.
works for my kids.
Kids like.... and respond well to... when you "commiserate" WITH them.

When kids are being picked up and finish their preschool day, they often have TONS in their mind.... and are not good at 'organizing' their thoughts, much less their expressing that to you. The parent is often just 'rushing' and wanting to get back in the car. The kid then feels "rushed" and kids don't do well feeling "rushed." So... pace her and you. Talking WITH her as you go about getting in the car, etc.
My kids, always had TONS to tell me about their day when I picked them up from Preschool... and their thoughts are racing all over the place, because they are so excited. But then they sense Mommy is not "listening" to them at the same time... they need, to be paced. So focus... and do that.

Kinda sounds like my daughter when she was doing this i was at my breaking point. i finally told her listen we have to go to(place) you have the chocie to gewt into your car seat like a big girl or i can but you in it like a baby. Well at this age they are all about independance and so that was her option either way she was going in the car seat and it was up to her to ddecide how it happened. since then she gets in just fine she sometimes say she doesnt want to go and once again i break it down fopr her that the choice to go or not is not the choice she is given. GOOD LUCK

These types of behaviors happen around here sometimes too and I don't force it and I don't yell (well most of the time!;) You might be late or you might miss things but when these things happen, let them happen. Tell her in a calm voice that you will leave when she is ready to sit in her seat and put on her seat belt. I have a younger child and there are times when I have taken my son out of the car played ball with him (I always keep one in my car) while my daughter was throwing a fit inside the car! She doesn't like that, I'll tell you what! Anyway, if she's on the driveway and throwing a fit, just pull out a chair and have a seat. Tell her you're ready when she's ready. Keep a book and a chair handy and literally just sit down and wait it out. If you stop getting upset she will not get upset...or it won't take as long to calm down anyway! And, seriously, after a few times of doing this it will lose interest for her.

I do the same as MM. I always say do you need help getting in the car seat or can you do it on your own and depending on his mood, he'll choose one or the other. It used to be an incredible struggle before I gave him the choices and now it's much much better with just the occasional tantrum. Good luck!

I try to focus on what will happen once she's in the car seat, and not on the process of getting in.

I am not thrilled with the "force them into place" paradigm, although I've done it once or twice. Generally I find that if I pull back and change MY behavior, my daughter's behavior changes. Also, I'm obviously not as confident as some other mothers here that I won't accidentally hurt my child. And you are putting energy in a pattern you don't want to continue, rather than pulling energy out of the situation. I find that the less energy I invest, the quicker bad behavior fades.

Look for patterns about when it happens. Is it at certain times of the day? Going or leaving certain places? Is there some part of the process that she now wants to control? Sometimes the best thing to do is ignore the symptom and address the cause.

The other thing I've done (if I can) is to simply say, "well, we can sit here in the parking lot for the rest of the day, but I'd rather go do X, what about you?" and wait patiently, possibly with us closed on the car (me in the front, her in the back) until she's sitting in her seat waiting to be buckled in. It's never taken more than about 5 minutes to get compliance, and then we don't have an issue for weeks or months.

It happends, it is a way of testing her boundaries.

Love and Logic would say to let her experience the consequences of her choices so she can learn to choose differently next time.

My 8 yr. old has not taken her shoes off in the van in over 5 years. She used to take them off each and every time we got in to go somewhere. I would have to climb in and hang over the seats and reach under the back seats to find her shoes and sometimes they were all the way in the back.

It was a cold icy day and she took them off, once again I had told her that her feet would get cold if she took them off.

I let her walk barefoot up the driveway, she screamed all the way and tried to climb up my body like it was a tree. She did not suffer, she did not have any damage, she did not have any effects whatsoever. She did however get cold feet from taking her shoes off outside when it was cold. She never took her shoes off again in the van.

I would let your child have her temper tantrum laying on the ground, I would use my body to block her from running off, she needs to be allowed to have her temper tantrum while in a safe environment and running off is not safe by any means. Once she has concluded the tantrum and has found that you are ignoring her by doing something on your phone or staying busy while she is doing her thing she will find she is befuddled and she will try again and again to figure out what went wrong with her attempt for attention. I usually play a card game on my phone and just hang out while the kid is melting down. Then once they are done we get up and go on about our business.

I went through this and got some *excellent* tips from a book by Jane Nelsen call " Positive Discipline for Pre-schoolers". It really changed things at home...Very highly recommended.
Good luck!