Preserving a Relationship with Your Growing Teen

We go out to dinner together quite a bit. (Who doesn't like to go out to eat?). My girls also enjoy the theatre so we get tickets to go to various musicals and concerts together. We also frequently go to Starbucks and just hang out there to reconnect. (My daughter is 18 and lives at her university but it is only 40 minutes from us. My other daughter will be 14 at the end of the month.)

If you can have a weekly pizza night (or any other favorite dinner), that sometimes reels them in for more than 5 minutes. If you can pick out a movie on Netflix or watch a football/basketball game on TV, it can make a kid sit around a little longer. Even though you're involved in watching something, you're together and it gives another neutral topic for discussion that is less about parents checking in on schedules and homework and so forth which teens tend to avoid.

My neighbors do Friday night pizza, and other friends do Dad's Sunday night chicken wings. I also insisted that my son have some basic life skills, like laundry and some very basic cooking. If we did those things together (chopping veggies or browning hamburger or folding laundry), it gave us a few extra minutes while building up the independence.

We also had a TV and ping pong area in the basement where all the kids would hang out. It was a great way to meet the friends and have them happily under our roof. I always involved my son in the inevitable food purchases to feed the hungry mob, so that was another way we connected. ("If you want to have everyone over, let's go to Costco together and pick out snacks...")

It's great that you see this as the normal separation that prepares kids for life beyond the family home.

I have thought about this. My son is 14 and my other one is 11 and pretty soon they are going to be spreading their wings as well! ACK!
I also work full time, so on Wed, Thurs, and Fri I only see my kids for about 5 minutes. I make sure to have family dinner on Monday and Tuesday (with the husband and kids!) but my husband does family dinner the other nights. I know, as they get older, that family dinner may fall to the wayside as people get busier then they already are.
I think that my plan is to try and have one day a week where we can sit down and have dinner together. Take him out to Wendy's, get pizza, something...and talk then!
My brother, 28, has been meeting with my parents every single Thursday for the past 8 years for dinner. He got married and now the wife comes along as well.
My mom said that with the first couple of kids she really backed off a lot from us as we hit our late teens, which may be why I am not close to her at all. She states that she really regrets that and that when my younger brothers got older she really put forth the effort to talk with them whenever she had a chance. Asking about sports, favorite video game, whatever was going on with them. Her relationship with my 3 younger brothers is MUCH closer then what she has with me.
So, while I believe it's important for them to spread their wings and have space, I also believe it's important for them to know that we love them and are making an effort to be part of their world. Not ignoring them! Or leaving them be. Being interested and there for them....making yourself available.
Teen years are hard!
This parenting stuff is not for the weak, that's for sure.
Good luck

I used to get a lot of time with my oldest son (now 18) driving him to and from hockey games and practices. Once he started driving, right before the start of his senior year in high school, that changed a lot and I hardly saw him at all other than in passing.

He's now working full time and taking college classes and lives at home. His girlfriend goes to a college in our town and still lives with her parents and they spend a lot of time at my house hanging out and watching TV or a movie, so that's when I see him most now. We will go weeks without any substantive conversation, but we do text or we'll tag each other in Facebook memes, shares jokes, etc. Every now and again he'll just start talking (usually at a totally inopportune time LOL) and we'll have a real conversation but it's really a more casual relationship now, and that's fine. It's good, actually - I like seeing him finding his own space in the world and don't mind that my role is more peripheral. Admittedly I might feel differently when my last son is at this stage though!

I like your post, and I think you have received nice suggestions here. I think that giving your teen his space is the best you can do in first place. After that, being there when he wants/needs to talk will encourage him to spend more time with you. It is not going to be a huge amount of time, but it will build a bridge between you both, and that is exactly what you want.
Without nagging and pushing too much, I ask my 16 year-old teenager help with the yard or garage cleaning, and while there we talk, we laugh, and he opens himself in such a casual way that we both enjoy our time together.
When something happens, and he is in a bad mood, or sad or upset, I do not ask anything until he feels calmer, and then I say to him, "remember I am here to listen if you need to talk".
When he needs, we go together to buy new clothes for him. Once a week, we go and have a hamburger and fries together (I don't eat hamburgers, I order a veggie sandwich, lol), I let him talk, and that really is an open door to his world. I do not criticize his friends, or actions if I do not like them or I do not agree with something, I make suggestions sometimes, in a friendly way, something that may help to open his mind and look to another direction depending on the matter.
I think things with teenagers should go smoothly; however, you do not need to be their best friend, and allow what is not allowable. Show him you are always there as a parent who listens, and as a parent who has rules and boundaries, but with love and respect.
It is easy? nope, parenting is not easy, but we can do a lot while the kids are still at home.
Let him know you love him, and you are proud of him when he is "a good kid", and let him know, calmly and firmly, when he is wrong or when things are not going in the right direction.
We may not be able to "maximize" our time together with our teens, but we are able to "maximize" our quality time together with our children.

Give him room to spread his wings. Don't put pressure on him to spend time with you - just make the most of what time he does give you. Maybe ask him if you could have dinner together on a set day each week. The best way to preserve the relationship is not to push it. He will be doing his own thing without much mom time for a few years, but as he matures, that will change.

They naturally break away at this age and then slowly start to circle back once they have been away at college (or work) for a year or two. I always heard this from older people and have found it to be true. The key is to keep yourself busy with work, hobbies and most importantly, OTHER relationships, spouse, family...girlfriends especially because they get it!

Families that do things together are closer. We have family home evening. Usually on Sunday evenings because Monday's are just out for us. We play games like Uno, Monopoly (I totally hate that game), Concentration/Memory, Hi-Ho Cheery-O, Sorry, Chinese Checkers, and more. We have some scripture time but we aren't dogmatic about religion so it's not much and not often. We almost always make no bake cookies or brownies or something fun and yummy.

Thing is, we spend time together with no phones, no TV, no electronics at all unless we choose to all watch a move or show together.

Spent more time with my husband.

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Didn't mean to sound flippant. But really, I occupy myself with other relationships that can use my attention. He is at a stage where he doesn't need that from me right now so much. Step back, let him spread his wings, and enjoy the view. Admire from a distance. I made a conscious effort to do so, and now, at almost 19, he is coming home from dates and talking to me. I don't have to seek him out and *make* him. He is joining the military and leaves for boot camp in early summer. I am cherishing every little thing he chooses to initiate. Which is a lot more, now that he's had time to grow and do things on his own more.

It's so very hard, but don't ask him questions daily. Ignore him if you have to mentally think that way about it. Don't pry (and even innocent, well meaning, needed questions can be perceived that way).

My oldest son is 19 and goes to college out of state, but we've stayed close. When he was in high school he got his license at 16, had a job, and was busy with a girlfriend who he's still dating and spending time with lots of friends.

I think what helped us stay close was that we share common interests. My son is very into music and film, so I paid attention to the music he likes and found I enjoyed it too. I asked him questions and learned about film. I teach English, and my son loves to read, so we've always discussed books. Now that he's away, we have a mini-book club where we text each other about the common book we're reading. We also watch shows in common.

That being said, I have many interests of my own, and spend lots of time with my husband, younger son (12 yo), and friends. Having plenty of my own interests helped when he moved so far away. My younger son and I have shared interests of our own.

Good luck and enjoy this exciting time!

You need to start doing your own thing of classes, work, or school to fill in the void that is coming when he leaves home to go to college or work or the military.

Be gracious and let him have space. Don't pester or bug him on everything that he is doing and what he is doing every minute. When he needs you he will call you. Always give him an answer and if you don't know it tell him so and look it up. "Son, I don't know but let me look it up and get back to you tomorrow or ____."

You have given all that he needs to go forward. Now, you have to hope that he will be able to do things on his own. Sometimes it take a few years before you see the results. My son said thank you to me for all t he things I did for him the day he got married. I was very surprised and humbled by his remarks.

the other S.