Advice on Raising 'Tweens and Rules at 2 Different Households

He is a teenage boy. They are gnarly, and knobby, and gruesome.

They are also tottering precariously between childhood and adulthood, and as such, begin to push away their parents and families and find their peer group more interesting and entertaining.

Unfortunately, this is as it should be.

However, this does not mean they should be allowed to get away with being rude and unhelpful. This should be explained to them. I.e., "I know that you want to spend more time with friends, engaged in your interests, but you are an important part of this household and with that comes responsibility". That type of speech - I have given it to my now 16 year old thousands of times. And expect to rinse and repeat until he goes off to college.

Try a chore list - the list of things that he is expected to do when he is at your home. Also, a privileges list - the list of privileges he will lose for not completing his chores.

Institute family game night - make it mandatory - break out the board games, put out some snacks, and spend time together. I began this when my son was about that age - and you know what, we still do it. It gave us a time away from TV, phones, computers, to just relax and enjoy each others' company.

As for being appreciative - that one is harder. Just when I think my son takes it all for granted, he up and tells me that he knows how much I do for him. They don't always seem grateful - Heck, I don't expect mine to express gratitude every time I do something for him - because our kids do expect us to do things for them. But, let your son know that it is reasonable to say thank you on occasion, to take care of the things that you buy for him, etc. You set the expectations. Conversely, thank him when he completed his chores and does things for you - lead by example.

My son just bought himself a new PS3 - he is connected to people all over the world on it. It is hard to compete with. It is also pretty cool in some ways. A lot of the boys he has met on the PS3 he also now talks to on the phone and internet. All are in his age bracket - it is like modern day pen pals.

And some of it, yes, we do just have to wait it out. There are good days and bad days with teens. They are hormonal, and over reaching one day, and clingy and needy the next day. The best we can do is to set boundaries, and expectations, and provide the structure they need as they navigate into adulthood.

Don't expect that your kids, once they become teens will automatically be different. I have a 13 son who doesn't have the disturbance of changing households every week or every other weekend or whatever. Teen boys love video games - they just do. Teen girls get b*tchy, teen boys get sullen. My 16 yr has finally gotten to the point of being appreicative of things she gets, stuff we do for her, etc. And from waht I understand, that's early. most teens don't "come back" to being a human being until about 20.
Remember that he didn't ask for the two homes to live in. He would much rather live in one home all the time than to come to his other house with younger siblings that he's expected to be a certain way with.
I think you all need to be respectful of eachother and expect that a 13 will not have the social graces of an adult. Ask your mom, and your husband's mom what you were like at 13. Then take a step back. There's a Christian youth speaker, Neal Anderson (I think) who says "rule without relationship = rebellion". Kids want to be heard, respected, cared about. You get a lot more out of them that way.
Certainly you should establish boundaries, and have expectations - but you should also show some grace. I love my son dearly, yet there are times I just don't understand the sullen teenage boy thing, and I certainly don't understand the video game obcession. But maybe if you try to get in to his world a little and understand his perspective, and ask his opinion (and listen to it) he may begin to slowly, slowly open up.
Good luck mama - parenting is tough - step-parenting is tougher.

13 is hard. It's hard on the kids, hard on the parents, hard on the family. Add to it that he's having to change households during this time that his body and emotions are changing. That's a lot of change.

One thing I figured out with my boys is that when they isolate themselves they are asking for engagement. The message from them is "I can't stand me, so you can't stand me, so I'm going to go in my room and be alone (or with my imaginary computer community)." Of course he'll need some alone time, but he needs to be reminded that he's a wanted and loved part of the family. Your job will be to figure out what his new teenage "language" is. He feels gross and unloveable right now.

Advice: LOTS of time with dad doing man things... Whatever dad can come up with. Shoppng for groceres, fixing the car....anything for that dad time. He may also need reassurance that you know that he's becomming a man and isn't like the little kids anymore.

Also, when he does talk, listen no matter what he talks about.

BTW- he won't show the kind of gratitude you're wanting from him now. Don't expect it. Do what you think is right as a parent, but don't expect thank yous (other than the perfunctory thank yous for gifts, or passing a dish at dinner). That will come in about 20 years, and after he has children. Probably not before then.

This is a tough age. If it's any comfort, many of us have survived it, and we al feel your pain!

From what my friends who have boys say, this is typical teen boy behavior. I have a friend who is particularly close to her son, who is about your son's age, and is divorced and he's much like your boy.

A lot of it really does seem to be the age, but let him know that he's loved. Let him know that he's part of the family and expected to participate in family time and pull his weight. Be consistent.

If you think that part of the issue is that he has different rules with his mother, just be sure that the rules in your home are consistent and fair. The rules don't have to be the same as there and vice verse. I'd also make sure that his dad spends a lot of one on one time with him when possible.

It sounds as if you are resenting this young man who is no longer a young child. Sure his lack of enthusiasm can be frustrating; yet remember he is 13 and many changes are happening to his body and to himself. He may not wish to play guitar, and too many kids these days prefer technology over much else.

Unless it is a matter of safety, just because you want him to do something such as a sport, doesn't mean that he wants to do it!

I don't understand why you are saying he is being selfish for he is not. You have no idea what is going on with his peers, at school or inside of him. And you appear angry and resentful for he is not longer a little boy, rather he is growing into a young man. He is coming into himself and it will take a few years.

How about showing him some compassion while offering space--you both feel each others frustration, so rather than push something that may not be as you prefer it to be, how about showing acceptance, focusing on the good not only the bad and show some respect to him and you will get some back.

I wasn't going to comment because, well, every teen is different and you know best. But your last line/comment got me. The part where "I know he is really smart and get's told this all the time"...my tween/teen was very hard as well. He behaved similar to your son and I also had/have three young/small children still to raise.
My son also received much praise to how good he was, smart he was and so on. The trouble was he didn't feel that way about himself and rather than "try" or put forth effort in something he would just be "lazy". It was terribly frustrating for all of us. What we discovered, (to late) was that he didn't feel he was "good" or "smart" and so he gave no effort because he could possibly fail and if he failed he would disappoint, he would not be the "smart", "good" kid everyone kept telling him he was. Sadly he still has these tendencies (he's 20 now) but he is making progress.
So my advice would be, phrase how you and family talk to him in a way that allows him to be human. We all make mistakes and if you don't make them, well that's a mistake.

I'm in the same position you are - my soon-to-be SS is 14. He's been allowed to choose whether or not he comes to our house every other weekend. It's a battle of wills as he thinks he should do whatever he wants and be wherever he wants. He also spends a LOT of time playing video games and being Online.
I have a 16 yo son and 14 yo daughter so I've gone through some of that part too.
As far as being appreciative, generally they just don't think beyond themselves yet. However, he's old enough to have that conversation and explain to him that these are priviledges that are based on him behaving in an expected manner. Be consistent. He's testing boundaries. He'll have different boundaries at mom's than at dad's.
Try to find an activity where he can teach his younger siblings, but have fun at the same time. My son has taken my fiance's 9 yo out trapping with him. He thinks its really cool and its their way of connecting.

Good luck! you will get through it

I have 3 boys: 1 SS who's now 26, a 19-year-old, and an 18-year-old. With every single one of them, starting around the time they turned 12 they all started getting their attitude. It is such a hard time, as other people said, because they're bodies and everything are changing, and they're trying to figure out who they are. I'm currently going through the same thing with my 13 year old daughter, which has been like being on an emotional roller-coaster! I'd go through it again with the boys any day, in comparison :)

I highly recommend that you and your husband read the 5 Love Languages of Teenagers. I think it should be required reading for all parents... I know it's helping me.

Good luck, and just keep loving on him, even though it seems hard sometimes. My stepson and I had the hardest time when he was a teenager, and there were so many times that I wanted to give up or figured that we would never even like each other but now he's one of my favorite people. Recently he thanked me for never giving up on him... Needless to say, there were happy tears.

You don't say how often you get him. We have my 2 kids full time, my ex has them every other weekend. We have my step dtr on the same weekends we have my 2, so we are all together. On our "kid weekends" we do family stuff: go to the movies, swim, bowling, day car trips, bike rides, walks, game nights, Friday is Family Movie Night (we always have pizza and salad), etc. We are busy being a family, since that is the only time we are together. Also, during dinner (weekdays AND weekends) we do the "rose and thorn" (good and bad) of our day. We go around the table and share, and we give advice on how they could handle situations. You just need to do things to get him off the game stations and out of his room. Good luck!