Preteen Lying

I agree with other posters on having open communication. That is by far the best way to go for everyone involved. Please do not do the dream thing, as that is not how you want to get established in having open communication at this preteen age. You want to have better lines open than that as she gets into the teen years. Reiterate the rules and boundaries in clear terms and tell her you expect her to follow them and to be honest with you. You can then ask if there is anything she would like to talk about and see if she confesses.

This is just my opinion but it seems that lying in order to teach her a lesson about lying would be counter-productive. If she doesn't already know that you have access to her e-mail and you don't want to give up that information, maybe you could let it go this time but keep a closer eye on her. Let's face it - we ALL lied to our parents at some point and I know I got busted more than a couple times. It taught me a lesson, though, and made me smarter in the end.

If you're concerned for her safety, though, you should put everything else aside and call her on it. It's a tricky situation because she'll feel betrayed that you checked her e-mail but if it keeps her safe, it's something she'll have to deal with.

Good luck! I'm not looking forward to those years - they scare me.

I, too, would reiterate to her that if she desires more freedom and priviledges, she will earn it, age-appropriately, as long as she is trustworthy and responsible. And adding something like...."...Now that it is getting warmer, I just want to reiterate to you my rules of walking home......" If she DID lie, and she has a conscience, she'll be dying inside and saying to herself. "How does mom KNOW these things???" (I don't ever reveal my sources.) Peer pressure is tough. My children know that, if they have done something wrong and they tell me before I find out , they will get in less trouble when it comes from their lips. When children tell you something unflattering about themselves, it truly shows courage on their part and tells me that they have a moral conscience. I just dealt with this with my son... I watched him squirm and get upset as he was telling me his story. It's a little heartbreaking. I stayed calm and he did see that I was upset. I still thanked him for for his courage. He still suffered some consequences (which he expected) but he knows not nearly what he could have endured.

There are times when I have suspected something in my children, and with my limited knowledge, have asked the question, "Is there something you need to tell me about...?" my daughter usually pours her heart out... my son is mumm until he's ready to fess up. I learned this from someone, long ago, and it is amazing what they will share. Also, practicing what you preach and not allowing yourself to be involved in "little white lies", sets the right tone.

Communication. Communication. Communication. And kids need to know that it is important for them not to break that trust that you have for them. My children have also challenged me lately with letting them have a little more freedom. This has been hard but I've been carefully giving it to them. Most importantly, they need to know that, no matter what they do, they can still come to you when they mess up or need advise, knowing that you are going to handle the situation reasonably and their wrongdoing won't be, continually, thrown back at them, in a heated moment. If your daughter doesn't fess up, I would let it go. You've set the tone now. There will be other battles to fight.

Good luck.

I agree with the other post, don't lie to her. I have a 15 yr old son, and I have made it perfectly clear to him that I have every right to look at his texts/emails/facebook if I feel that there is reason to. I do not regularly "invade his Privacy" but I feel that I have every right to. Having those things are a privlige, not a right, and if they are being used to be sneaky, then they will be monitored. We are here to keep our children safe in an unsafe world that has many more ways for them to get into trouble of all sorts then we had growing up. I gain his trust by being honest with him. He always knows that I am honest, and that is important to a child, even if they don't like what you are saying. Good Luck!!!

You want to lie to your child to teach her not to lie?

This doesn't sound like a good plan to me. Tell her the truth: that you read her emails. And tell her you do not approve of her walking home, nor of lying about it if she did.

I agree the "dream" thing sounds really weird. Tell her you don't fully believe her story, and ask that she tell the truth and explain to you who is walking home, and why she wants to do it? Maybe you could come to an agreement that as long as she is with a group, and as long as she comes straight home to check in, that she CAN walk home once or twice a week, if the weather allows it and she warns you the night before. She is at that age where she needs a little more freedom, and will definitely start to rebel if you don't acknowledge that she's getting older and can have a few more privledges. If she makes bad decisions, then she loses some of them, and will have to earn them back.

Hi C.,
My name is M.. I have several nieces who are around that age. I think your idea of the dream is a good one. It's a really difficult age and we need to protect our kids, but at the same time give them the independence and freedom they need to prosper. It's a balance, but I would err on the cautious side. I'm so glad you read her emails. At that age, they should have no secrets and parents tend to look away.

Best of luck

I agree with Ellen. The big thing is to keep communicating and make that the priority rather than rules and punishments. Reiterate your rule about walking home (just bring it up with no explanation) - tell her the reasons for it. See if there is some freedom she is ready for that you can offer her in the future if she shows she is trustworthy. I wouldn't tell her you found out. If she keeps doing it - just go show up after school and bust her.

I think you should also decide how you feel about IMing and emails and facebook pages etc. Are these things private - is that what your daughter thinks? I'm not telling you what to do but it is a serious issue that your family needs to figure out. In our house my kids wouldn't be shocked if I read their emails but they wouldn't like it and I wouldn't do it if it unless it absolutely couldn't be avoided. But they know that the internet is by its nature not private and that everything they put out there can be seen by people they may not forsee.

Good luck!

Hi C.,

I have a 12 year old daughter as well. When I ask her something and she does not tell the truth and I have proof without letting her know I really found out. I ask her one more time and let her know that this is her finial chance to come clean and if she does not. I tell her a friend of mine saw her do what ever it was. The the bright eyed look comes and then she comes clean with all the deatails and talking 90 miles a minute.

Then she looks as me. Then I ground her for lying.

My daughter is a good girl as well. She is a follower and not a leader. Even if she knows it's wrong, she does it anyway because everyone else is doing it to. I have tried to expalin that it is not good to do it because everyone else is. Then I asked her the bridge question.. if your friends would jump off the bridge, would you?

Generally, I ask her something and I can tell if it is a lie. I let her dig herself in a hole so she knows that things happen because of the choices she has made.

When you find a solution to this, please share!

Good luck,
L.

She might be being pressured from her class mates to lie. In her circle of friend where does she stand? Is she the leader of the group or she a follower. This is very important when you are raising teens. Dr. Dobson of Focus on the Family did a research on this. Followers always want to make the leaders happy and will do about any thing they ask. That would include lying. How you can tell where she stands in her friend group is, when the group is together does she decide what they are going to do or does she just agree. Is she the one who just sits there and does not contribute very much or is the one who lead the group in talking. If she is the one who does not say very much and just goes along she is a follower and that that could be part of the reason why she may be lying.
Example: The leader of the group says lets walk home today. Your daughter says no my mom said I have to take the bus home. the leader says only babies have to take the bus home from school and we do not want any babies hanging around with us. Your daughter says what do I tell my mom when she asks why I am late. Just tell her you were talking at the bus stop. Your daughter says well that is lying. The leader says well do you want to hang around with us or be a baby and tell the truth.
Growing up now is really tough and tougher if you go to public school. The pressure is high. My son just graduated last year. He started in Public School as a Freshman. He would tell us stories that would curl your hair. My husband and I were very Blessed with the fact that our son stood by his Christian values and made it through 4 years of high school with out any problems, just bruised and one fractured bone from football and wrestling.
You may want to consider driving her to school and picking her up. I know when you have bus service that is best for your child but maybe in this case keeping her close to you is a little better.
Take a look at the Focus on the Family website. they may have some insight.
God Bless,
S.

she is attempting yet again I am sure to exert/show her independance. Some is peer pressure- they are all testing thier independance levels. Better than waiting for her to invent stories...give her the opportunity to "grow" responsibly...TRUST her & give her permission to walk home on a few occasions...with of course the understanding that this is a "test" and if she is found to have failed, that particular "priveledge" will be removed.

Never ever LIE to your children in an attempt to get them to confess..think back ...at 12 were YOU still "afraid" of your parents? better to open that SCARY SCARY door of allowing our children to show and become responsible citizens (wait that's what we have been trying to do all along...thunk).

The best defense against lying is to be open, trusting and of course KNOW who her friends are...invite them over, ask her in a conversational way about her conversations with them. Better to have your child trust you and be confident they can come to you with ANYTHING, especially in the next few crutial years to come...than to be unsure of yuor reactions and thus make them secretive.

Of course you can't have her lying to you, but sometimes rules are inappropriate or it's time to revisist them. Ironically, I have the opposite problem with my son, I want him to walk and he moans about it! So, my question is, why can't she walk home? Is it dangerous in some way? Are all the other kids her age walking home, and you are the only parent making a big deal about it? I would encourage you to find out why she is lying and/or sneaking-this will also open the lines of communication. She is at the age where she is going to start pushing the boundries so be prepared. That doesn't mean you need to give in but just be able to talk and get her opinions etc. too.

I would not lie to her to try to catch her in a lie. I would confront her about the matter being open and direct. This is what the emails say, I am concerned that you would do this and reiterate why it is important that she does not go against the rules and that she does not lie (issues of safety, etc.). Also stress the trust and privileges she will lose if you catch her doing it and or lying about it or anything else. Also, listen for something said by her friends or her friends' mothers ( you can do that prior to confronting her ). The friends or the friends' mothers can also be a clue as to what happened usually without even knowing they are informing on your daughter. You are right that you have much ahead, the teenage years only become more fun but if you have an open path of communication, it seems not to be so bad.
Good luck to you.

Hi! I wouldn't do the dream thing that sounds really weird. You could simply say "I'd like to know the real reason why you were late the other day, you told me you were talking with your friends, is this true?"

Watch her reaction. If she's honest she'll be relaxed. If she's refusing to look at you, doesn't want to talk about it then she has something to hide. If you think she's hiding something, just ask again. "Did you take the bus home?" Watch her reaction. I think you'll know if she's lying or not. Just keep asking over and over and eventually she'll fess up.

Asking over and over for some reason works. The best way to get the truth is to keep asking for it.

Have a sit down and ask her to tell you anything that she has recently lied about to you...here is the hard thing for you without any punishment. She will be allowed this one time to not be punished for the acts or the lying, next time there will however be consequences as you are trying to keep her safe from drugs, people hurting her and also talk about responsibility that goes along with freedom. Let her know why you need her to ride the bus instead of decompressing with friends on a long walk. Parents always say that hey you have been with friends all day time to end that. No they have been in school all day and only had a minute here and there to talk. This method you open the talk and can find out how far things are.

Just wondering...does she know you check her emails? I'm not there yet and am unsure if parents do this openly or just for info gathering...............

I guess I would just keep it simple and make it more about how hard it is to make the right choices verses catching her in a lie. The point is she need to be home by this time. This is her responsibility. Should she choose to not do this, then their are consequences. Give a "reasonable" consequence and then let her decide if it was worth it. I would also put her to bed with a nice story about how each choice we make has a consequence. We actually have control of the consequences b/c they are a DIRECT cause of the choices we make (which includes priledges, trust, etc.) By showing good decision making (choosing the right consequence) we get more trust...freedom...etc.

If she doesn't know about the emails I would save that card for more serious things.

I wouldn't lie, but I would be honest and just say, "I have a feeling there's more going on" or how the other posters phrased it. Good luck.

I am gonna say i have learned with my kids that if i am open with them they are open with me.....My son will tell me the truth on anything...I would say tell her you read her emails and you know she lied and that if she lies to you then you are not gonna ever be able to trust her. Let her know that you are the mom and if you have to go behind her to find out the truth you will, but tell her you would reather here the truth from her without going through her stuff. A child needs to know they can trust their parents to give them their privacy but they also need to know that a parent has the right to go into their stuff if the child cant be honest, so if she wants her privacy then she needs to know to tell the truth and be open with you, and mom sometimes it is hard but if she is gonna be open with you then you have to be able to handle it...Most kids are not open because they know the parent cant handle it...So sit her down and tell her you feel she lied to you and if she does lie again she will not be able to have any type of freedom because she will lose your trust....As far as walking home maybe work out something where she can walk with her friends because she is growing up and at least there is a group to walk with and she is not walking by herself. Girls sometimes need to just walk and talk if you keep her concealed she will do things behind your back and start to lie more. Remember when you were growing up you may see you needed a little more space then you were givin. Just talk to her and the 2 of you come up with a plan that works for both of you......Good Luck i helped a friend raise her teen who is now 18 and getting ready to go through it myself now....It is a scary road raising a teen girl......