Private School - San Diego,CA

Hi there - I have an 11 year old and we've thrown lots of parties for her and attended a lot of parties with all different budgets. The ones that she and her friends have had the most fun at is where they played "old fashioned games." Google then (email me if you need specific ideas) and throw a memorable party about fun not $$.
L.

My daughter is a 17 year old junior in a private school. She's been there since she was in 1st grade. And even though we are in an area with some of the highest rated public schools in the Midwest, many chose this school for it's curriculum. They tend to teach 1-2 grade levels above the public system. So I get it. There is 'extreme' wealth in this school as well.
I also can understand coming from solid middle class values, although I would probably say, looking back now, we were low middle class. And somehow I remember thinking I need to stay true to my roots. My Midwestern, middle class roots. And as my husband always says, it's only a game if you choose to play.

I will admit that when we first put our kids (our son started when he was in 6th grade), in that school I never went in the doors unless I looked a certain way. If I wore jeans, I threw on a blazer and loafers. Now it's jeans, a denim jacket and my beirkenstocks! I'm still me. So you need to get ahold of your issues before they spill over to your daughter.

Growing up in the environment, sure there were differences in the parties etc. One of my best friends would through the most elaborate parties. But then the kids had just as much fun at my daughter's old fashioned skate party at a local rink.

Our son was a little older when he started there and there were comments made when some of his best friends started getting brand new cars when they started driving. You know what, we could afford a new car, but he didn't get one. And once we explained he was damn lucky just to be driving and not having mommy drop him off every day he shut up. AND THAT CAR is the car our daughter is now driving.

I can't say I did it on purpose, but again maybe changing my attitude about it all came through. One of my son's best friends (and they are still close now that they've been out for a few years) lives in one of the biggest homes and one of those families with multiple homes, one in Ireland! His mom and I are very close, I love that woman! Because SHE is down to earth. Her kids also did not get new cars. She cuts coupons and will be the first to point out how kids in our school are over indulged. So she too looks at things differently and that it's only a game if you play.

As far as applying for financial aid, if the school keeps their mouth shut, which they should, no one should know unless you tell them. Why does anyone have to know? I certainly don't know who is on scholarship and who isn't in our school.

I think you have nothing to apologize for. You are making a choice for your daughter because you feel it's the best choice with the information you have. You are very fortunate that you can offer her this opportunity. But what you need to do is get some help. Talk to someone about your issues with money and get a hold of that so they don't spill over to your daughter.

Blessings.

I'm confused! In one paragraph, you're talking about having to apply for financial aid...& in another, you're talking about inheritance issues. None of my freakin' business, but I'm seriously having trouble putting it all together!

The only issue I see here is your choice of schools. Yes, she will be picked on. Yes, there will be "class distinction" issues. Kids are mean. No matter how we try to prepare/protect our children....not all parents are as socially & morally responsible.

That said, for her birthday....find something unexpected, not necessarily costly. Make it memorable, not a money pit.

As for her future, have you considered a school more in your financial bracket? There are many, many good schools out there! Find someplace where your child will be one of many, allowing her to stand on her own due to achievements....rather than due to the bottom rung of a social ladder. (channeling the movie "Pretty in Pink", here!)

& as a head's up, if you're having to apply for financial aid....then how will you afford all of the "extra activities" which come socially for these kids? Right now, our son is in Scouts, Band, & several clubs....the financial toll is astounding! Peace!

I don't think that your daughter has to feel less than at this school. I went to a number of schools growing up (we moved a lot). One was a private school and one was a public school in a very rich area (think nose and boob jobs in high school). Being the poor kid wasn't a barrel of laughs but my mom emphasized the things that I was getting out of NOT being a rich kid. For example, I made my own fundraiser to raise money to go to France and Italy on a school trip in high school. Most of the rich kids couldn't even get excited about it and spent their time overseas trying to find a McD's. It was much more exciting to me! I enjoyed every minute so I got the better end of that deal. And, I learned how to be creative and make things last -- recycle things I didn't need anymore and give them a new life. My mom was able to instill in me some pride about being innovative. Plus, I figured out who was worth befriending -- kids who placed the emphasis on the relationship, not my clothes or my car.

The best advice I read here is "it's only a game if you choose to play"! My son is in a private Christian school for the curriculum and Christian values. I must have picked a winner, because we have filthy oozing rich parents that love to share :) My son has been raised upper-middle class and my husband and I were raised dirt poor. Most of my friends are low to middle class. I relate better and refuse to keep up with "The Jones' "...don't do it either, you'll never win! There is always someone out there with more, bigger parties, more stuff, etc. But, as long as you stay true to thyself and family...you'll come out a winner every time.

Put your party hat on and keep it simple, the kids will enjoy it!

I am a product of a middle class family maybe considered upper middle class family, also of divorced parents who struggled to send my brother and I to private school for grades 4-8 even though it was not easy for them. Or us for that matter. The school my brother and I attended was not as wealthy as the one your daughter goes to, but even still, it was hard on us. Not so much because of economic differences (some kids always had all the cool expensive clothes, the elaborate parties, the European vacations, etc.) but mostly because of cultural differences. I had a hard time relating to other kids at the school ... in the end it was an excellent education that I would never trade for anything no matter how much I hated it, and to my surprise the first week of high school at a public inner city school, I realized what an advantage I had because of my private schooling.

One story I will share with you though was from a recent event, where my toddler son and I were invited to a 6 year old birthday party. Her mom was poor, and she had the party in beautiful local city park. There were some blankets laid down with pizza, cake, paper plates, and a cooler. Many of the kids brought bikes. All I can really say is that the children had such a wonderful time playing, riding bikes, pretending, running around in the trees... the birthday girls mom said to me, "You see, all kids need to be happy is the outdoors, and other kids to play with." I think she is right. Add a little imagination to that. Not that you won't have struggles keeping up with the Jones, but keep this in mind when you are feeling insecure. Pin the Tail on the Donkey is still cool to toddlers of any background. Best of luck!

Hi Jen,
For what it's worth, I was raised in a very affluent community (Los Altos, CA) and went to a school with rich kids. It didn't adversely affect me even though my parents were schoolteachers and we didn't have a prayer of 'keeping up' with my classmates. One of the best experiences for me was being an exchange student in HS - I saw that others live happily with much less 'stuff' than myself, and with FAR less than those around me. Very eye opening.
I would suggest that you help your daughter to maintain perspective about how the rest of the world lives through things like volunteerism, and perhaps travel abroad to a less fortunate country if the opportunity is there. Along those same lines, the experience of being a host family to an exchange student from a less fortunate country would be a great way for her to learn how 'the other half lives' firsthand. Good luck and take care :)

Hi Jen - this is a bit of a tough one, because all of us want the absolute best education for our kids, however not at the expense of their self-esteem. As everybody is different, all I can do is offer a couple of anecdotes that might help you make a more informed decision. My husband was in the same position as your daughter. His parents put him in a private school. Despite being very sporty and joining a lot of clubs at school, he DID grow up with a poor self image and feeling that he was "less-than" his more affluent classmates. More recently, my husband and I had to make the same decision regarding our children's High School - we opted for the best public school that would accept them (it was actually out of our district and it was their good marks which got them accepted). My daughter's best friend, however, got sent to a private school by her parents. My daughter has a large circle of friends, takes part in many activities and is very confident. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for her friend. Although her friend is excelling academically, she feels that she doesn't "fit in" with the others in her school. She still socializes with my daughter and other friends from primary school because she doesn't have any new friends. She is a delightful young lady and my daughter is really upset to know that she's so miserable at school. Your child might be different and have a "devil-may-care" attitiude, but (odds are) that the older she gets the harder it will be for her to resist the "need" to wear the latest fashion or own the latest gadget or be able to brag about overseas holidays! At the end of the day, just do what FEELS right for you and your family and don't worry about anything else. God Bless!

We were solidly middle class and my parents sent me to a private school where there were lots of kids with LOTS more money than us and some with less. In the end, it didn't make a big difference to me as I understood from an early age that some have more and some have less and such is life. I always appreciated what we had and the wonderful people in my life (ok, i wished for a trip to Europe for my 16th birthday but wasn't really surprised when I got a new bike instead :) But I will always treasure the education I received from that school

it's also probably true that there are parents like you who don't put wealth above all else and want to show it off. Many of my friends parents were very wealthy and they still made their kids get summer jobs, etc.

good luck ( i know all about the money issues and guilt...)

In a perfect world I could say, don't worry about it and just go with that..I know that this is not as it is. Your primary goal is to continue what is best for your daughter so just do that. Sometimes doing what is best is not tossing them to the wolves, so to speak. Maybe have some cousins and family over for a wonderful themed party that is within your guidelines with some pin the tail on the donkey :) Make it your tradition to do family celebrations versus showy friend style events. It will still be a celebration and now is the time to start your own tradition. As she gets older, you can encourage her to invite a couple of very close friends and do a fun sleepover and an elaborate event that works for the small group. Showing her that you don't have to keep up with the Jones's by using a different style of birthday celebrating (which is far more loving anyway), will go far in her knowing that she is perfect and it is not a wealth thing but a family choice of values.

Just my two cents...I think you're awesome to endure this as an adult mom for the love of your child. Sometimes putting up with the adults in our children's lives is far more stressful and straining on us.

Enjoy her birthday however you choose to celebrate-It's a special day for you! :)

Exposing your daughter to all "classes" of people is the best thing you can do for her while teaching her values to live within her means, and how to budget. There will always be someone with more and someone with less. It isn't something you can avoid so teaching it to her at a young age will only help her. I'm glad you don't try and keep up with the Jones. It is your money and you can spend or save it as you see fit. Real friends don't care if you car is worth less and they don't get jealous if your car is nicer. I have friends who are extremely well off with old family money and I have friends who make minimum wage. I was always exposed to all types of people growing up and it made me a strong well rounded person.

Actually, I can relate. I work very hard to send my children to a good private school. We do not have much money. I am the sole bread winner, and have to keep to a strict budget. I also have to apply for help from the school.

Other children in my boy's class have Christmas in France, have travelled around the world, have enormous houses, pools, everything they could wish for.

I try to instil in my children human and Christian values that family is important, being good people, having integrity and intelligence. I acknowledge to my son that yes, others at his school have more than us, but that we are very lucky with our lot, and that we love each other and that money is not the most important thing in life. He seems to get it.

All you can do is not try to compete, decide on the values that are really important to you, and continue to discuss them with your children. It is an important and loving lesson.

My boys attended a private school for 3 years that sounds very similar to yours. We received finacial aid which helped us afford for them to go there. It was a Christian school, but it was very clear on how much money everyone had. We had many conversations with our sons about what others had that we didn't....and would never be able to have. My kids really understood, but definately enjoyed sharing their friends wealth!!

For your daughter's birthday, what if you did something very special with just a couple of her friends? It would keep the cost down, but your daughter would still have a great day.

As for the money you received, I would continue to be frugal and hire someone to help manage it, so that it can last as long as possible, because you never know what can happen.

Good luck.

I asked a similar question a while ago....check it out: Class differences and school aged kids

I know what you are experiencing. We are going to have to apply for financial aid for the high school I would like my kids to go to. I have no idea what we will do if we do not get it.

Well, my husband was a military brat kid who was zoned in an upper class school. He got picked on relentlessly b/c of being poor.