Problem with Carpooling Kid

I did daycare in my home.
The kids followed the rules and the schedule. Period.
I pretty much handled things without involving the parents as much as possible. If somebody had a grumpy afternoon, I just handled it and we got through it.

However, I did have one little girl whose dad was a single parent. I ended up having to tell him to find somewhere else for her. She was disruptive to the other kids. She wouldn't eat what the other kids ate, she wouldn't eat when the other kids ate. She didn't want to participate, do her homework or pick up after herself. She also had a very smart mouth, which I absolutely did not tolerate from my kids. The other kids followed the rules. It got to the point that it just wasn't worth it to me to have her, and her dad expected me to cater to her. That simply wasn't going to happen.

The dad called me a few times after that because he was in a pinch. Nobody would keep her for very long. I told him I was sorry, but I didn't have room for her.

I think you should be able to talk to the dad without anything crappy being relayed to his son about you or your son. Maybe the boy was told to straighten up and the boy didn't like it. You won't know unless you talk to the father. You can let the father know that if this continues, you will have to change the arrangement because it's not working out.

I've had to do it and it's not exactly fun, but if your life doesn't depend on this carpool situation, you don't have to put up with any of this. You might find someone else to carpool with. You might be able to adjust your work schedule. All I know is that things ran much more smoothely when it became obvious nothing was going to change and I couldn't accommodate a child who refused to go along. Things went back to being easy and happy for everyone.

Try talking to the dad, but don't be afraid to pull out if it's clear things aren't going to work.

You cannot tolerate bullying and your son being a target. It's that simple.

Best wishes.

Maybe I missed something, but why is it your job to get someone else's child to do their homework? I would think you have enough on your plate trying to worry about your own household. Either way, tell the dad it isn't working out and nix all of them.

I don't think you need to be overly nice to the boy. He is bullying your son. I wouldn't put up with any of his BS. He is a second grader!

Take care of business, momma. Talk to this boy yourself. Tell him that if he doesn't do his homework, behave himself, and treat your son with respect, he will have to tell his father why he is no longer welcome in your home or carpool.

If he bullies your son at school, you can address that with his father, teachers, and principal. You can't control what he says to the neighborhood kids, but you sure as heck don't need to force your son to share your home and car space with him.

I was babysitting my friend's three-year-old son once or twice a month while she volunteered to help at her daughter's preschool. This kid would try to jump on my furniture, be mean to my kids, and eat everything in my pantry. After the second time I babysat him, I laid down the law and told him what the house rules were. (Why didn't I do that from the get-go? Live and learn.) From then on, he behaved himself and I didn't have to bother his poor mother with stories about his bad behavior. (She really is a good mom, and she has good kids. They just like to test the boundaries.)

This second grader just needs to be told by you what is not acceptable and the consequences for bad behavior. If that doesn't work, then talk to the dad and maybe take a break from the carpooling.

Tell the Dad you are glad to keep driving his son, but you cannot guarantee the homework will get done in your care, as his son refuses to do it. Tell him you're thinking letting the teacher deal with no homework would probably be the best way to deal with this. Be matter of fact, not complaining, not accusing, and stick to talking about one issue at a time. If Dad doesnt like it he can talk to his son firmly about homework, in 4th gr its time to let the child take flack from the teacher about not doing his homework, it is no longer your responsibility it is the child's homework

It's unclear why on earth you are responsible for this boy's homework in any way.

Is it because in the hour between middle school dropoff and elementary dropoff, the two elementary age boys are supposed to be doing homework or finishing up stuff? Did you and the father talk and agree (both of you, not dad TELLING you that he expected this) that the 4th grader should be doing homework in that one-hour gap?

Is that the setup? Because it's impossible to tell from the post.

I would talk to the dad in person (not e-mail, not phone) and without the kids there. Tell him bluntly what his son has done and that you believe it is directly related to your telling the dad about the homework -- Fourth grade son got dressed down by dad; son got mad that you "ratted" and "told on him"; son is taking it out on your child.

I would then tell the dad that you are not going to be held responsible for HIS child's homework in the mornings. If you were doing it just to be nice, time to stop being nice and let the kid be responsible for his own homework and the dad be responsible for seeing he gets it done.

If the carpool is going to continue on your side, you need first for the bullying to stop immediately or the carpool stops immediately too, and second, you need for dad to recognize that you are not ever going to even talk to his children about homework. If it's not done the night before, that is on the dad, not on you.

(Be sure to add: "I have not YET gone to the school about the bullying but if it does not stop as of tomorrow, I will have to report it to the school and ensure that they know they have a fourth grader bullying a second grader. And I'll also speak to all the parents of the neighborhood kids so they can ensure their own kids do not exclude my son based on your son telling them to do so. In other words, you have a great chance here to stop it, or I am going to have to move on and talk to the school and other parents.")

He does not realize what a huge favor you are doing him. At a moment's notice your boss would be perfectly right to say, "Sorry, you can no longer come in one minute late, much less one hour." And goodbye carpool on your side. Tell the dad that you are very fortunate to have this arrangement. Does the dad also get to turn up an hour late at work on his days? I bet not.

Just because talking to dad last time made things worse does NOT mean you should avoid the dad. Why in the world carpool with a family where you cannot even feel comfortable talking to the parent?? Sounds like you're being taken advantage of unless you really, really need this dad for certain days' transportation.

Are we overblowing it here or is there more to the story and the dad is using you for too much of the driving and too much of the responsibility for homework?

The only feelings that you need to care about are your son's. You simply tell the dad that two adults need to be able discuss the children's behavior and do so without, in your case, fear of reprisals. The dad sounds like the biggest bully in this situation-He is indirectly threatening you to accept his behavior-which is lack of parenting. What a jerk.

I'm not a shrinking violet when it comes to this stuff, and I hope that you won't be either. Throw this thought that you are afraid of making things worse OUT THE WINDOW.

Go over to the dad's house and talk to him. Tell him that you think that this carpool thing helps you both. However, there is a huge problem that is going to derail it, and you have to have his help to deal with it. Then tell him what is going on. Tell him everything. Ask him to bring his son in and talk to him in from of you. Tell him that since you are driving his son, you need to be able to talk to him as if you are a mother figure, and you aren't willing to just pretend this isn't happening. A 10 year old boy needs to be subject to whoever is taking care of him, and that includes getting a talking to for bullying.

Now, about the over-anger running downhill, tell the father this. Tell him that he has to strike a balance, because the "kick the cat" thing is possibly what happened last time. Tell the dad that if he is too harsh to his son, your son pays the price, and you just aren't willing to take much more of this.

You DO have to be willing to stop carpooling. If the father is going to be ugly to you or is screaming at his son, I'd just say forget it. What I HOPE will happen is that your out front, no holds barred advice to him will teach him a needed lesson and that you will be able to work this out.

Good luck, and don't flinch.
Dawn

Are you just carpooling or actually babysitting him after/before school? I'm confused as to why it's your responsibility to make sure someone else's child gets his homework done, that should really between the kid and his dad and teacher.
I'd try to make it work, if it's convenient and helpful, but if the kid continues to be mean then it's clearly not worth it, especially since he's a full two years older than yours (that's a BIG difference at this age.)

It is not your business to even ask this child if he has homework. It is dad's job and no one else's. That's the utmost ridiculous thing I've ever heard...I know you were probably trying to help dad out but he's falling behind if son is not doing his homework. Who's dad going to be mad at if he flunks his homework if it's not done right? You, that's who.

Dad should not even mention to you that it needs to be done. If a person has homework they should do it at home only. Not at a babysitters, child care, friends house, etc...only at home with their own parents.

Tell dad you are not able to help him and that he needs to do it at home from now on. Or you could just let the boy accept his consequences of not doing it himself.

Poway's a nice town. My hubby graduated high school from there and it's his home town...

First of all, I don't really understand why it is your responsibility to make sure the other boy finishes his homework. Leave that to the dad and stay out of it next time.

That said, talk to the boy before you talk to the dad. Give him a chance to right his wrongs on his own. Is the problem with the 4th grader or the one in middle school? Apologize for "telling on him" about his homework and say you hope he understands that he can trust you. Then explain to him that he needs to be nice to your son, especially if it's the 4th grader and he's picking on your 2nd grader. Tell him it's not nice to pick on other kids, especially ones that are younger than he is. Tell him he can't speak badly of your son to other boys at school or in the neighborhood. And be honest - say that you are giving him the chance to make things better and if he doesn't, you'll have to talk to his father as well.

If the problem persists, tell the dad you won't carpool with him anymore.

I would tell the Dad, you are sorry, but his son seems to have taken a dislike to your son, so you have decided to end the carpooling arrangement. Being honest, but not going into too much detail. If the Dad presses, "sorry it's just not working out" I feel bad for kids forced into the company of other kids who are unkind to them. Your son doesn't need that kind of stress at the beginning of end of his school day.