Problems in 3Rd Grade. Should I Ask My Son to Be Changed from Classroom?

Going from Montessori to a traditional school must be a huge adjustment - for the kids and for you. That has to be rough.

Try to keep in mind everything that your son can learn from this situation. He has the potential to learn some life lessons.

1. Sometimes we have to follow directions, whether we like them or not. He might prefer to write in cursive, but his teacher wants them to print. It doesn't matter what her reasons are or whether or not you agree with her. He still needs to follow her rules and follow directions. That is true of all of us.

2. Sometimes we have to work for someone or with someone we don't really click with or like. The key is to figure out the best way to do that. He might not love this teacher, so what can he do to make this a good year.

3. Not every situation is going to be ideal for him. Rather than trying to chage the environment to make it perfect for him, teach him how to adjust to fit the environment.

I know you mean well, but i'm not sure you considered the possibility that this could be a teachable moment.

I completely disagree that switching him sets a bad example that he can just quit when things get hard. That's ridiculous! So if you have a fatty, gristly, inedible piece of meat in a restaurant, you're supposed to just eat it and shut up? If you get a shirt and it's two sizes too small, you should just keep it and not exchange it because you should just be grateful you have a shirt in the first place? Why wouldn't you teach your child that if something doesn't work or is a poor fit that there are solutions? You're not telling him to tantrum until he gets his way, you're showing him you care and you will work with him to find a teacher or a school that is a better fit. I'm surprised you didn't seek out another montessori school, if that's what was working for you. You won't find that in most traditional schools.

Normally I would say to stick it out, it's a learning experience for him, he'll adjust, etc. But really, what you describe sounds like a miserable, spirit-crushing teacher and maybe it's because I've been at this school thing for 13+ years but I have no patience or tolerance for miserable my-way-or-the-highway types anymore. I would set up a meeting with the principal. Be calm, be armed with facts, and make you case clear that a teacher killing the learning spirit in a bright, motivated student is unacceptable to you and either things need to change in the class he's in or he needs to be moved and that your next stop if this doesn't get addressed is the superintendent's office. Start off assuming the best and that the adults all are willing to work together to see you child thrive and be the best learner that he can be but if you get no action, go ahead and be "that mom."

First, your kids aren't going to be happy all the time.

You might not agree with the teacher or like her teaching methods, but those are what you have to work with right now.

While your son may be comfortable writing in cursive, his teacher has instructed him to print. We don't always get to do what we want, sometimes we have to listen to those who are in charge. Yes he should get points taken away, he is not following her instructions.

You say your son is "gifted". But you don't want him in the "gifted" class you just want him seen and heard. What in the devil are you talking about? Public schools go the speed of the slowest child. Public education has to fit all sorts of kids. I think for the most part the schools do as best as they can. Some do better than others. If you liked the Montessori model, I would suggest you look for one in your area or private schools.

You need to schedule a meeting with the teacher and principal. I would also include the guidance counselor if possible. I would suggest getting him into the gifted program, if he meets the criteria. That would help him. I also suggest you really listen to his teacher. Look at the situation from her point of view. She is getting the kids prepared for 4th grade? Could be. 3rd grade is an important grade. Kids are being treated as children and not babies. You son could be having difficulty with that adjustment as well.

Good luck! I have 2 kids and went through the public school system. Some were better than others. Nothing worse than a miserable kid in the morning not wanting to go to school!

Yes.

Our son was in Montessori through age 9. He then went to a traditional program and within a month had headaches, stomach aches and any number of ailments. We wondered what had happened until we met his grim teacher who barked at the kids as if they were in a juvenile detention center. She believed in this, and nothing any parent could say changed her approach.

She left the school, a wonderful, highly effective teacher took her place, and our son began to flourish. Some teachers believe in this grim approach, others don't...but it seems to me that kids learn better when they aren't burdened by fear.

I had a similar problem in first grade. The teacher was just nasty and never smiled. My daughter would come home and say Mrs XXX doesn't like me. We stuck with it and I regretted it. If you wait, it will be hard to switch. So go see the school psychologist and the principal and state your case. You need to be an advocate for your son's education. And his well being in general. Normally, I am a 'you get what you get' kind of person, make the most of it, there will be lots of people in life you don't like and have to work with, etc. But in the case of a 3rd grader who is miserable and not learning, I'd switch in a heartbeat. Good luck!

We loved Montessori - but the school our son went to did preschool through kindergarten and we started private school for 1st and 2nd grade.
By 3rd grade we'd moved far away and he went to public school - and found it very easy - even in the gifted program.

I can see where Montessori to public school can be a difficult transition for some kids.
Public school is very much a batch process.
The class moves at the pace of the slowest student - and they move in lock step, stay together as a group grade after grade after grade.
We told our son he's got to get the boring stuff finished to the best of his ability, don't distract other students - and then he can ask to read on his own with the teachers permission.
All his teachers have been very good about this and he's had no trouble keeping up the straight A's.
Never let the school limit what your child learns - you can teach him plenty at home - and that can be as fun as you want/need it to be - and that really helps keep them engaged and enjoying to learn about what ever they are interested in.

I'm not sure switching teachers or schools is going to help in your situation.
Kids have to learn to work with a lot of different people and sometimes a teacher that gives you a hard time can give you some very valuable lessons.
The teacher is not out to get your son - she just has a whole room of kids she has to keep on a schedule and 'every child is forced to adhere to the same mold' is the nature of the beast.
Learn to work with it, not against it - and it can turn out to be a good experience.

Oh I feel your pain. It is so hard to watch our little ones struggle!

Our youngest has Asperger's, and it was absolutely painful a year ago. His teachers tried so hard to work with him, but his issues were simply too much for a traditional classroom. It wasn't fair to the teachers, it wasn't fair to the other students and it really wasn't fair to him. Thankfully our school had an alternative for him, and that has been a true blessing. He loves his new school, and he is doing so well! It was an absolute dream come true.

For the most part, I have to agree with several other posters that it's important that you keep your son where he is and you teach him how to adapt to the given environment rather than expecting the environment to change for your son.

There could be so much going here that you have not mentioned. As someone who is terrible at being concise, I know how difficult it is to really explain a situation without writing a novel. You might have some very serious concerns that you simply haven't included. Only you can know that. But the examples you've given indicate that you want your son to be able to do everything his way and that the teacher should change for him. That's not going to happen, and that wouldn't be good for him anyway.

I encourage you to think seriously about whether or not this is really in his best interest. Is his teacher really being unreasonable, or are you forgetting the other lessons your son could learn if he continued in her class this year?

I would not be objecting to the fact that his teacher is making him print, or taking points away for not printing. He's allowed to be frustrated and sad about it. Let him process those feelings. And, now it should be clear, and he should learn to accept this expectation. Yes, it stinks because it is harder for him because of his prior school experience, but encourage him that he CAN do it, he can learn it, even if it takes him some time. Please try to see the value in him learning to print right now, as well as following expectations. That's not a personal slight against your son. He verbalizes these negative, uncomfortable feelings as "my teacher doesn't like me" Ask him why he feels that way. I think you need to have a talk with your son about what it means to not take critical feedback personally. One of the teacher's goals is that he learn to print and the expectations are consistent everyone. Not every teacher is warm and fuzzy. Yes it would really, really nice if she had a more nurturing personality. But in the end, it's not her job to make your son happy. He will surely encounter other teachers, leaders, bosses, etc with a handful of different personality types.

I would be more concerned about the crying every day. Is your child normally wired to be this emotionally reactive? Does he cry easily in other circumstances? Especially if not, I think you need to address that, with the teacher, NOT in writing, but in a face-to-face meeting. Tell her your concerns about his emotional reaction to his school work. Don't make it about questioning HER expectations. Just tell her honestly, that it hurts to see him so sad and discouraged every day about school. What does she suggest can be done to improve his learning experience? If you don't make it about HER, but that this is your SON'S issue, I think you are going to garner her sympathy. Just maybe, she will try a little harder to be softer and encouraging to him and to start giving him more positive feedback because she knows he needs it. And also she knows you are paying attention. If he's holding all his emotions together OK at school all day long, she may not even realize he's feeling as bad as he has been.

Been there, done that, with the school switching thing, and I can tell you that the grass is not always greener. Pros and cons to everything. You're always going to be trading one set of issues for another. Consider the cost of the upheaval when you've already had to go through that just recently.

Perhaps you can get him involved in some kind of school activity with some of the other boys in his classroom. Try to focus on some fun things and other people he will look forward to seeing at school.

From what you write, you really want a Montessori education within the public school system.

Our public school does NOT let students switch teachers. I would continue to meet with the teacher and principal (if necessary) to get help for your son. He should feel happy to go to school. This year may be a learning experience because he got a teacher he doesn't gel with. Good lesson to learn how to deal with this type of style, since it will not be the last one to teach in a style that is not desired.

I am surprised about cursive to print. Do you think you can take the time to teach your son print? Is he just being defiant (or at least in the teacher's eyes) about the writing? Sounds like he wants to do it his way and the teacher is sticking to her guns and having consequences for not following directions.

I agree that public school teaches within a 'box' and kids who thrive outside the box (I think most) are less happy. It is also tough that he came from Montessori and move to public. I had debated starting in private then switching.

Is home schooling an option. This is becoming very popular in my area especially when parents feel the teacher or surrounding students have a negative impact on their child's education.

There are some excellent points in both Chacha's post (Do you really know there IS another "more nurturing" teacher to be had? What if your son is moved and still does not click with the next teacher?) and Ziggy's post (This may be a crucial teachable moment). I'd say to give both of those posts another look.

Next, you mention that your son and you both spoke to the counselor. Was that not helpful? Did you approach the counselor in terms of "We are unhappy" or in terms of "Help us navigate this and work on resilience"? Maybe you can start again with the school counselor for your son AND for yourself. Talk to the counselor alone first, without your son there. Explain what your son is reporting and note that he is crying frequently. Ask if the counselor has had this kind of issue before with kids who have transferred from Montessori or other programs that are run very differently from public school, and ask what the counselor advises you to say at home to help your son. See if the counselor will meet with your son to work on resilience and taking things day by day, assignment by assignment. Can the counselor make it fun? Some counselors do "lunch bunch" groups where they have three or four kids eat lunch with the counselor at a time , every week for a while, etc., and it's treated as a nice thing and not as "I'm being forced to see the counselor." Bear in mind, the counselor sees kids in stress all the time and has some objectivity that you as the parent don't have. (Naturally!)

Find ways to ensure your son sees that learning is not just about what happens in school. Be sure to get him to museums and doing fun learning outside the school setting (NOT tutoring or Kumon! I mean doing the National Park Service's fun "Junior Ranger" stuff at national parks around you in NJ and NY, for instance, or going to museum kids' events, or setting fun tasks for him--if he likes bugs, help him start a bug collection. Whatever interests him.)

I'd like to add for the longer term: Have you investigated what track your school system, not just your one elementary but the system as a whole, in the grades to come, has for gifted students? I would get busy looking at what the school system has to offer him either this year or next or beyond.

For instance, our county school system here has an "advanced academics program" (AAP) that begins in third grade once students qualify. Children can do AAP at their base school (the school they're assigned to by their home's location) IF the base has some AAP courses available, or they can move to AAP "center schools" where the curriculum is more in-depth, faster and often more creatively taught. Every school system will have a different way to handle gifted student education or advanced academics (a better term for schools to use than "gifted," to me, as it focuses on the aptitude for learning, whereas kids can be "gifted" in many ways that are not academic). You might want to get proactive now and see if there are programs for which your son should be tested or for which you need to apply. I'm referring here to programs already in the public school system, not to private schools etc. Look at your school system's web site for a start.

I feel for you, seeing your child struggle is hard. Been there.

But keep in mind, lots of kids struggle. Some have hard time learning. Some have other issues. Lots of parents have to work with teachers, and kids have to adapt. I think your son would have problems printing at first in any class, regardless of teacher, so that part, I'd take out of the concern. He's going to have to learn, and if he's a bit slow at first, then he'll catch up. Work with him at home.

I say that because I had a child who could not print, and was rapidly falling behind. The teacher wasn't the easiest to work with - not very sympathetic, and it was a learning moment for me. I got an OT specialist and helped my child myself. Sometimes we have to do that. The teacher does not have the time to help every child adjust - they just don't. Even if they are well meaning.

My niece and nephew are considered gifted, and did Montessori to start with and switched to public school. I think my brother and his wife were a little let down at first also - but then, that's pretty typical isn't it? You're going from one approach to a different one. There's an adjustment period. As for the teacher, I agree with the others. He'll have a real mix over the years. You can't just change whenever something doesn't work out.

However if he really starts to hate school and you're working with him at home, you're working with the teacher (I would approach it more as what can I do to support HER approach, and work with my child, rather than think she had to adjust to your child), etc. then I'd talk to the principal and counselor again. My thought is, if you already have, then they haven't recommended this. Homeschooling sounds like a good option, but maybe you're not in the position to do it.

Yes you should have him switched to another teacher. My son went from Montessori to public school in first grade. It went very smoothly. Public school is not (at least in our situation) a one size fits all option. ALL of our teachers do differentiation within the classroom so kids are all learning at their individual appropriate rate. Not at one predetermined rate. Not every teacher 'clicks' with every child. Not every teacher is teaching the grade they really should be teaching. And some teachers are just in the wrong profession. Some children learn better with a more flexible teacher and some may learn better with more structure. But the idea is NOT to make a 3rd grader conform to some institutional norm. It is to help every child retain the love of learning that they start with.

Kids are not going to like every teacher they have. Parents aren't going to like every teacher. There are some people who shouldn't be teaching but you have to deal with it. Find a common ground with this woman. She's doing things for a reason. Try to work with her.

Switching schools and teachers is setting a bad example for your son. You are telling him if life gets hard, he can give up.

Absolutely try to get him moved. Push until it gives. Move this mountain. It's really important.

It sounds like you are making a big assumption - that a "more nurturing teacher" exists in that school! Unless you have proof that there is a "more nurturing" option there, you either need to continue to try to work with the teacher and explain your concerns, or, figure out a way to change schools.

I think you should definitely write the school AND also set up a meeting with the principal and say you want your son to change classrooms. Tell the principal what you have told us. You are the only advocate for your child and you will have to be demanding sometimes if they are not listening to you. It is worth a try. My son (who is in gifted) did best when he was younger with the nurturing teachers. I never did switch my son when he had a teacher like this in 4th grade and I regretted it. He had such a bad year and hated school that year. It was so hard. When you do talk to the school know that the schools never want to let students change teachers...but I have seen it done. Have your husband go in with you. Have your persuasive arguments all lined up. Insist on it. My son lived through it and yours will too...so if you cannot get them to switch know that next year will most likely be much better. My other advice to you is to make sure to talk to your son about making his best effort. He can learn to print. He can start doing that now...he does not need to be stubborn about this. Work with him daily on printing and tell him that he needs to follow his teacher's rules. I'm so sorry your son is sad...it's hard to be a kid. As he gets older and more mature he will be much more resilient to this kind of stuff. My son is in 7th grade now and he's so much more mature, resilient and takes things like strict teachers in stride. This year work on his application to the gifted program...do the testing and everything.If he is gifted you definitely want him in that program...the regular classroom goes at a much slower pace. My son was a much happier kid once he moved to the Advanced Academics Center and was in the gifted classes. The teachers got him. The other kids got him. He found his place in life and it gave him more confidence. He also made friends easier for whatever reason. They were more accepting of his quirks. Good luck.

dammit, a long response just got snatched and disappeared. thanks, mp.
short answer- it's difficult to adjust from child-led to traditional education, but if homeschooling isn't an option (my choice to keep the love of learning alive under a similar circumstance) then focus on the advantages of your child adjusting to and then acing this situation. i mean, he's going to have to learn to print at some point, right? why not now? easier than bucking the entire system.
warm supportive teachers are lovely, but they're not everywhere, and we're constantly making it harder for them to stay in public schools. and cool, stern teachers are sometimes the most amazing ones.
make sure you're not encouraging, however subconsciously and subtly, a 'poor me' attitude. tears and resistance are important things to listen to in a child who's struggling, but if you can't homeschool, and there's not some amazing teacher in the next classroom to whom you can realistically transfer him, he's got to learn to not only deal with this one but rise above the issues and learn to find the joy again. he can't do that alone- he needs your encouragement to figure that out.
good luck.
khairete
S.

Where do you finds books (for children or adults) that are printed in cursive? I'm 48 years old, a life long lover of reading and books, and I have never seen that.
Also my younger cousin went to a Montessori school for K through 5th grade and all of the picture books and chapter books she read were typeset, there were no books in cursive.
Maybe your son's teacher can't read his writing? Very few people have clearly legible handwriting, especially kids (and doctors!) so yeah, if I was a teacher trying to read 30 plus papers a day I would want it printed or typed.
And our school would almost never switch a child to a different classroom, otherwise parents would be requesting that all the time, and it's very disruptive to EVERYONE, teachers and students alike.
Sounds like you should just home school.

I think I am confused.

So this is your son's second year of public school?
Is this the same school he attended last year as a second grader?
I am surprised that the cursive writing and 'gifted' issues were not addressed last year, as well as the other 'Montessori to public school' issues.

I think you need to have an-in-person meeting with teacher and staff to find out what is going on, and to get on the same page. Especially if this is his second year in public school.

There might be more going on, and I would want a better understanding of this before I request to switch classrooms.

Get him out of there mama! Is homeschooling an option? If your son is loosing his love for learning and crying every day then act quickly. Childhood should be spent learning, growing, and developing, and surrounded by people who facilitate and further those things. If you find that someone that is impeding or making those things unnecessarily unpleasant weed them out!

Bless his heart. My son had a really hard time in school and your story brought it all back. If it were me, knowing what I know now, yes, I would have his class changed. Make sure you do your homework on which one would be the best teacher for him before you ask for the change. Best of luck...

Yes, ask to switch classrooms. If he used to love learning and now cries every day, he needs a new teacher. He's too young to have his love of learning squelched and not every teacher and student are a good match. She may even be a great teacher, for a different type of student. If they refuse to switch classes, maybe a new school is in order.

Any good charter schools in your area?

I'd ask to schedule a meeting with the teacher and school staff. I'm sure they were notified that he has changed schools, and the style of learning he was accustomed to at the other.. find a way to make it work, and take a more proactive approach.

There is always home-schooling if that is an option for you..

There will always be teachers who nurture and ones who are strict. I've always found each of my sons teachers to be appropriate for his grade level and needs.. 3rd grade is a pivotal year. It's mid-way from Kindergarten to 6th, and they learn so much that year..

My son loved to write cursive.. however, at times, teachers could not decipher the lettering and would mark it wrong at times when in fact it was the right word.. print is more helpful, obviously. But it's also important to develop the skill for both. He will need to follow the classroom rules.

Enroll him in something after school that will enhance his learning. Something he will enjoy and do himself. Their needs to be a balance.

I don't think writing letters will do. You need a face to face with the teacher and Principal. 3rd grade was different for my daughter. Her teacher was more strict than the lower grades. I think they are preparing them for the upper grades. Her 2nd grade teacher told the kids not to expect to be babied in 3rd grade and my daughter wasn't. She was used to being babied so that took a little time to get used to. Sometimes making your presence known will help. If you have to visit the school often do so. Let the school know that you are a hands on parent. Good luck!!

We moved our oldest in 3rd grade. We have lived in MD for all of my kids lives and they have always gone to the same school (minus two months for 2nd and K for my older two...they are now in 8th, 6th, and 4th).

Her teacher was AWFUL. The final straw was him yelling at her in the hall for her bringing in Valentine's cards for her class. We moved her the next day. He was no longer allowed to even talk to my kids with how awful he was. He had my daughter so stressed out on a daily basis and she hated school. Fortunately, her 4th grade teacher was a SAINT and made her love school again.

So long story short...if things are not getting any better and your son can't handle the teacher, I would move classes. Teachers aren't employed to make learning miserable. Out of all of the teachers my kids have had, he was the ONLY one we couldn't work with. Others were afraid to talk to him because they didn't want their kid yelled at...he was the devil. If this teacher won't work with your son, won't help him adjust, and work with you all to come up with a way to fix the situation, move him.

Have you volunteered or observed in his classroom? I would suggest this (I would be in there every day!). Also, meet with the teacher, principal, counselor, student, and parent together. Have your son make a list of things that he struggles with/dislikes. Work as a team to come up with a new plan. Good Luck!

Why not pull him out and home school him? You can do something like K-12 or some other assisted home school with teachers and a curriculum. Or you could make up your own and just work with him on what you want. Sounds like this teacher is a bear and I'd have pulled my kiddo out before now. If they won't put him in another class find out if there is a private school in the area that teaches more in line with how his previous school taught.

I think you are doing your child a disservice by letting him think that the world should cater to him. Different teachers have different models and some are stricter then others, but that is not a bad thing, it is good for children to learn that they must be adaptable to different leadership styles. If the teacher wants work done in print then he needs to print, that is part of learning how to follow the rules (these are skills he will need one day when he has a paid job). Your child needs to learn to adjust, but you treating it like his teacher/school is the one in the wrong for not catering to him is teaching him that the world will adjust for him, and that is going to leave him ill-equipped for real life.

You might also want to see about approaching this from a different angle with the school, see what you can do to support the teacher rather then insisting she should adjust her classroom expectations because they are challenging for your child. Work with her rather then expecting her to bend over backwards to accommodate your child, she has 20 other students as well and simply does not have time for hand holding. I would also suggest shadowing in the classroom so you can see for yourself what her teaching style is rather then taking the world of an 8 year old.