Problems with Husband

You married a narciccist. All he cares about is what he wants. He's acting like a spoiled brat.
I was married to a spoiled brat, and I refused to be his mommy. I gave him the options of growing up or moving out.

I wouldn't say that you're being naive in thinking he can change. People change all the time but they have to want to change. Have an honest talk with him and tell him that this insensitive way of being treated is not acceptable to you. Let him know that it's to the point that you are thinking of moving out. If he doesn't want to lose you, he will change. You guys may need marital counseling but the first step is a talk. Good luck,

People treat us the way we let them. My husband was not too unlike yours for a long time because I let him get away with it. The first thing that helped him start to change was when I got a part time job in the evenings and he became responsible for dinner and bath time every night. It was only a few months before he was begging me to quit my job, but I made it clear that just because I stay home does not make me his maid and he will continue to help around the house and with the kids. Things did improve some after that, but if there is going to be real change he has to want to change, I would recommend counseling if you can afford it and have the time, couples sessions with a third party can often help people see things they are too close too to see clearly otherwise.

I like AKMom's advice. You teach people how to treat you.

If you take all the details out (like the hair, the check, the trash cans, diapers, etc.) he's not showing you respect. And that's why you're upset. I would be too.

So that's where I would start with him. Have a talk (get a sitter, go out somewhere he has to focus on you) and tell him how you feel.

I don't think this is about being a stay at home mom and he earns the salary. It's about him not listening to you or respecting you. And that happens sometimes in marriages where both people work also.

Counselling may be helpful - if he's willing to try it. Otherwise, I would empower yourself .. and make changes. You don't have to pick up his dirty clothes. You can leave the room if he talks endlessly about himself.

In our house, it doesn't matter who earns what or who is home during the day - when we're at home as a couple or family (weekends or evenings) we all pitch in. Husband, wife, kids .. I don't think it's about who does what so much as many hands make light work.

I will say, if I mentioned trash cans to my husband at bedtime, I'd probably get a groan also .. know when to let some things go, and have the bigger issue talk.

Good luck :)

i'm sorry, hon, if you continue to tolerate being treated like this, expect nothing else for the rest of your life, and for your kids to learn that this is how men treat their spouses too.
we see far worse here, granted. but that doesn't make this okay.
it's not doing you a 'favor' to bring in the trash cans, pick up something at the bank (ESPECIALLY since he's already going to be there....??????!!) and especially to speak to you in a courteous, respectful, loving fashion.
i can't imagine living with someone whom i needed to coddle and defer to every day in order to avoid arguments or being talked to like trash.
put your foot down now, hon. don't let this continue.
khairete
S.

It's kind of sad you're having another baby with him.
It sounds like he's baby enough already without adding actual children into the mix and the more kids you have the more he resents you wanting him to BE an adult/parent.
I couldn't live with a man that acts like your husband acts.

Look at it this way - if/when you divorce him, you'll only need to parent your children and you won't have to deal with a man who refuses to mature/grow up.

Call me stupid but why does he have to go into a bank and get a check, don't you have a checking account?

I am not trying to seem insensitive but I fear that is how it will sound, long, odd, hard, day at work so I am crabby. It is just when I was a stay at home mom his job ended with earning money. I find it impressive that young moms can get men to clear their plates. I have four kids, I never found my way of thinking to be hard.

Anyway, no you won't change him, he won't change you, so try to make it work. You won't be pregnant forever, there will be more challenges.

Oh and get a checkbook!

Per your what happened, nah, he was a slob. He would take off his suits where ever it struck him that an item needed to be removed. Hung his ties on random door knobs. Our male dog before he was fixed took this as marking so he would go around marking the ties...I found myself cheering for the dog. :)

He is my ex now so I would like to point out anyone who says it is easier if you divorce is either nuts or still married. I divorced for my kids, long story, my life became far more difficult, I miss that time with my kids too. Sure it is easier to keep the house clean with him out of here but I also work 45 hours a week so I have less time to clean.

Oh and four kids, I think I mentioned that, I could count on one hand how many diapers he changed in his life! After my first I pretty much accepted that my kids were 100% my responsibility. Our older daughter was always one of the top five goalies in her age group, she was amazing to watch. He made it to a handful of her school games and none of her select games. Other parents used to joke, we know you say you are married but we are starting to think you made him up. :-/

Divorce is just not the answer unless you cannot make it work and it is hurting the kids.

My husband did a complete 180...so yes, people can change. His change was for the better and why we are still married.

My husband never had any problem helping with the kids when they were little and now, but talking to my sisters who have young kids, I look back and realize I was lucky! My husband did a lot of the night things, he changed a lot of diapers, he did a lot - when he was around. Softball kind of trumped all when we were early in our relationship.

Your husband needs to change or risk losing his family. You aren't asking him to do much at all and I would stop putting up with his attitude about it. Don't let him talk to you in a disrespectful tone and stop doing anything for a few days - he will get the hint.

I have - and I divorced him. In my case, he never grew up. He couldn't keep a job because he would get an attitude and think he knew better than everyone. I left for many other reasons as well- but he was very much like your husband. I just assumed he would grow out of being selfish, eventually, like when we got married...or when we had a child.. or when he got closer to 40...and he never did. It doesn't sound like yours will either. To make this marriage work, you'll either need to accept it, or he will have to change (very difficult, and will take a lot of therapy). People rarely do. Right now he is not decent husband or father material.

People don't just change for no reason and with no guidance. Whether this can be fixed or not, I don't know. But constantly doing what you are doing, reminding and asking and repeating, is not going to work any better tomorrow than it has up to this point.

Maybe he's a jerk and a narcissist, maybe he's suffering from depression or another condition, I don't know. He's certainly behind the times if he think only about his 40 hours and his paycheck, and not about the value of what you do at home.

Even if he is, and you want out, you will do better on your own and as a co-parent, if you have some better communication skills and some backbone. So I would go to a counselor now - don't wait until you are way more pregnant or exhausted with a newborn and a toddler. Call your physician or your OB/GYN or your pastor (if you have one) and ask for a therapist who takes your medical insurance or who works on a sliding scale. Sometimes individual towns have an Office for Family Services or something similar in name - if you can't find something on the town website, call the Town Clerk's office (they know everything in my opinion!).

Get a sitter (or trade off sitting duties with a friend), and go. Tell your husband you'd like him to come with you, but if he says "no", go alone. If he WILL go with you, he needs to learn that you're not happy and that you both need a better way to communicate your wants and needs. Maybe you can make some great headway and develop a mutual respect and a better division of labor. Read what Laurie A. wrote below. My husband and I also went to counseling years ago, and it totally changed both of us for the better!

If it doesn't work, you still have the option of divorcing, but don't do that until you both feel you have been heard.

And if he's this way when you are married and supposedly committed, imagine how terrible it will be if you are separated or divorced, and he has to pay you child support and deal with visitation and childcare for a toddler and an infant.

you say hes been like this for a long time but had he always been this way? if he has not always been this way then you need to find out what has got him on edge. my dh has acted like this on several occasions but after i figure out whats bugging him i can help him fix the problem and move on. ( usually its stressing out about work or money. )
so there is hope. but he has to be willing to talk about things. if need be see a marital counselor.

So sorry your husband acts like this. I can say that if I ask my husband to do something he does it immediately and I find myself saying " I didn't mean for you to do it this instant".

Best of luck!

He is never going to change. Accept it or get out of the situation. I lived in it for 18 years before I got out.

I sometimes find that I get better results when I write his "to do" list down for him. Leave him a note on the fridge or send it to him in an email and see if that helps.

You both are young and learning and yes it's possible you are on a dangerous slippery slope to a very verbally abusive relationship and emotionally insensitive marriage.

Only you know if your husband has enough of an open heart to help turn this around. There are many helpful marriage books that discuss the power of words, our choice of words, the tone we use in conveying what we want, etc. My hope is that you both would be able to sit down and discuss how if not addressed this pattern will destroy your marriage in the not too distant future.

Please read books like "The 5 Love Languages" and see a therapist about how to improve your communications skills. Another good marriage book is "7 Habits of Successful Marriages." or something like that, it's been awhile

We are all human and often life gets stressful and you don't know exactly how hormonal you are to live with in this equation...but outside help with this issue will tell you what you need to know to move forward. Please seek outside support to help you find your voice.

Some men respond well to facts. Perhaps you could keep a calendar of how often he denies doing a simple errand, and becomes irritable just being asked. Look for a pattern then show it to him.

If he continues to be unhelpful and insensitive and could careless about the consequences to his marriage, then you have lost your role as 'dearly, beloved wife' and not someone he truly respects and admires. All marriages have rough patches, but most successful marriages learn tools to help them navigate better.

I get attitude from my husband if I ask him something when he is in the middle of doing something. Other then that, he does whatever I ask. I wouldn't put up with it. If I was pregnant and taking care of the house and kids, you better believe I would ensure I get respect and help with things. Even if I wasn't pregnant, he shouldn't act like a jackass. Stand up for yourself.

I'd let him learn what the consequences of not being an adult are. Such as "if you don't take care of getting a cashiers check for the rent it will be late and it will have additional charges on it. He does that a couple of months in a row he's going to get tired of it and remember to get the cashiers check on his own without you reminding him. So don't remind him anymore. Let him take care of the jobs he has.

As for the hair and clothes and stuff, I'd simply leave it there and tell him you're not his servant if he asks why it's not cleaned up. Give him the chore of cleaning the bathroom. Tell him the smell makes you puke.

As for that problem, we have 2 bathrooms and I don't set foot in his. If he wants it clean he knows where the comet is.

ETA

Did you know that if he takes that money order/cashiers check to the bank and cashes it he is probably not depositing it in his accounts so he's not paying taxes on it...I know people that do that. They'll get paid for a bunch of work and get paid in checks. They'll go from bank to bank and cash them all. If they don't go through their business account they aren't registering on any accounts for taxes.

Just a thought. We've had a few people that would do this but I always claimed my income and I do not have a checking account or savings accounts nor am I on my husbands accounts. I don't want to be.

My husband gets similar attitudes and also does little around the house. When he is being really lazy I stop doing things for him like his laundry then he will pick it up a little. One time I had asked him to put away his laundry that I folded and he told he he did so when I saw the clothes still sitting there 2 days later i put them in a box in the closet when he asked where his clothes where I said where ever you put them away at. By the way the reason I asked him to put his clothes away was because I put mine and our four kids away. I have found sometimes it takes them realizing everything you do for them to have them step up.