My step son is disobeys everything you tell him to do at home and at school. He is very smart and has made straight A's before. He failed on his last report card. He just doesnt turn in his work. We have taken everything out of his room except his bed and clothes. Well thats not working its not getting better.
****Update
We have went to school with him every day, went to every class, ate lunch with him, and anything else he did. He enjoyed that. I am walking him into school every morning to tutoring. He told me he did a Vocabulary paper in tutoring today I find out he got a zero on that paper for not turning it in. The school is not doing anything about it. He is in football and band and cannot participate in any events.
We have tried Love and Logic, no luck. We have been to counseling individual and family.
We have taken away the cell phone, ipod, video games, and TV.
Ok so he loved his hair a little too much. His dad told him if he doesnt pass on the next report card hes shaving his head. I want everyones opinion on this.
I have been reading and listening to the Love & Logic programs. You might consider looking at their web site for a book or CD that might help you with ideas on how to effectively correct his behavior. http://www.loveandlogic.com/
Love & Logic offers very popular and effective parenting advice. It's also easy to follow.
Good luck!
I don't have a 14 year old yet, but I have a son who "forgets" to turn in his work at school. He was tested and he has ADHD but it's not the regular active kind. He is simply too laid back. . Apparently it is the opposite end of the spectrum of the active kind of ADHD. Things don't affect him like other kids. That may be what you are dealing with. We had my son on medication for a while and that helped a LOT! We took him off the meds after about 18 months. He had learned how to do things a bit better in the time he was on the medication. Now, we still have occasional problems with his "forgetting" things (He forgot to turn in a signed form to watch a movie in class), but he is SO much better than before. It's just a thought.
As for the head shaving, I'm against it. It sounds a bit harsh. I can understand your frustration, but he is going to have feeling about what you do to him for the rest of his life! By the way, I also have another son who was in therapy for a couple of years. I told the therapist about how we had taken everything away from our son because of his behavior. She made an interesting point. Since he had nothing in his room, what did he have to loose. It didn't matter what we did, because he didn't have anything left. We started going overboard with praises when he did the simplest of things. I was totally amazed at how quickly he shaped up! Believe me, it was hard at first. It's hard to go overboard about something "silly" when they are still doing major "stupid" things! It did help though.
Is there anything else that he REALLY likes? Cell phone, video game, guitar? At this age, taking away is the only thing you can do beside grounding from activities and sports. My son did the same thing. We took everything away from him and told him that these grades would affect him in the future. Unfortunately, when that became true, then he started straightening up.
My son is driving now and that has become a good thing to threaten to take away. We have also recently threatened to check up on him whenever he leaves the house (we've had some issues with him telling the complete truth about where he is going and who he is with.) Good luck. I know that it is doubly difficult since he's your step-son.
I think you need to do whatever it takes to motivate him. If his hair is the only thing that he truly loves, maybe that is what it take. It seems harsh, but that is the first thing they do in the military to begin stripping away identity and starting to rebuild.
A side question: Is there any other type of educational program in which you could enroll him? My brother was intelligent, but barely passed in school despite all of my parent's efforts. He was not interested in the material and not motivated to do the work. Once he went to college, he was one class shy of a 4.0 in a four year nursing program. If he has above average intelligence, he may feel like everyone around him is stupid and it's just not worth the effort. It also sounds like the school is not being especially helpful.
I had a very strict mother and it seemed like the more she tried to punish me the worse i would be. You need to find out why he is failing. He is unhappy. Whether it's school related or not. Maybe he just doesn't think his future is important. Get him interested in his future career and see if that helps. Also, what about offering money for good grades? I just think a lot of times tons of punishment causes resentment and depression for the teen. That's how i felt anyway.
Personally.... I LOVE it! (I'm a mom to 2 boys) and I wouldn't hesitate for a second to take away a "coolness" factor... I second the opinion of shadowing them as well... talk about wanting to shape up so they'll leave you alone.
There's a fine balance that they all (we all have as well) test... keeping a firm policy of who calls the shots is very important...
I think the shaved head is going too far. Love & Logic is a great program, I second trying it.
If that's what it takes to get him to obey then I would do it. I also like Glenda W's suggestion. We used to use those threats with my oldest son and the mere thought of me walking him to class or showing up at lunch was a great motivator to get him on the straight and narrow.
Depending on the child's maturity level (my son was more immature so it happened later rather than earlier), this could be the age where this kind of thing starts for him (rebellion). If it is, things will be a struggle from this point forward, so you have to be prepared to follow thru with whatever you "threaten" him with. If you're not consistent each and every time, he will totally play you and it just gets worse. You have to remember the punishment has to fit the crime so you can't reasonably ground for a month 'cause they lose hope and don't have anything to work towards. But taking away privileges away for a week or two weeks, like TV, phone, going to their friend's houses or their friend's coming over, etc., can help. We would also give our son opportunities to earn his privileges back when he was grounded one at a time so his grounding would be shorter than planned, but he would have to do things, i.e., get an A on an upcoming test, turn in his homework every day for a week, etc., to get one of his privilges back. That seemed to help. I think they need something concrete to work towards sometimes. Other times, it's a shot in the wind and nothing seems to work.
Just be consistent, caring and consistent (yes, I know I said that twice). That's the most important thing. And as far as the hair goes, hopefully the threat of losing it will get him going in the right direction. Good luck!
That was a punishment in my husbands household growing up. He and his brother didnt believe theyd do it but they followed through and yeah, their attitude changed after that one alright! haha!
Wow, T.! I really really wish my Grandma was still here with us, or I would ask her! (She taught high school math near Altus, OK, for 30 years, and made an Air Force COLONEL "step down" when he started ranting about his son "not passing" her class!! :) (the kid was lying to his dad about the situation)
The only advice I have about shaving your stepson's head is that you call the school and make sure you're not breaking "dress code" by doing it. Otherwise, it gets your stepson exactly what he wants ~ no school! The only other thing I can add is maybe making the time and calling one of the juvenile detention centers here in the Dallas area for him to spend a day, and find out what those kids do on a daily basis, because that's where he's going to end up if he doesn't straighten out FAST! I'm sure someone at your local PD can get you in touch with a Juvenile Probation Officer or the DA's office to make the arrangements.
I wish you all the love in the world in this situation! Especially since you're younger kids are watching him, too.
Let us know what happens!
~J.~
Your son is four years away from being able to leave home. Something tells me he is capable of making a go of it. My sitter's son signed up for the Navy as soon as he graduated from High School. There must be much more to your story. I would work to establish what the cause of the behavior change is, even with counsiling and work on laying a foundation for a trusting, functional relationship with the lad. Depending on your son, an incident like this MIGHT shape him up, but it could as easily build deep resentment that could last for years to come if not life. He is well on his way to who he is going to be.
In hopes of lending perspective,
C. S.
One thing you might consider if you or your husband are able to do it, tell your son if he doesn't get his grades pulled up yesterday that you will come to school with him every day, go to every class, eat lunch with him, and whatever else he does. I've read people's experiences with this type of thing and apparently it only takes a day or two of humiliation in front of one's peers to straighten the most wayward of kids out. As far as the hair, don't really know about that one, I can see where it could produce positive or negative results.
