Put on the Spot-Update

You did the right thing. I would have been just as uncomfortable as you. Hosting at the holidays also stresses me out and being imposed upon just maxes that 100 times. It would have been one thing if she said they weren't doing anything at Christmas and you invited her over but to ask to come over on such a major, personal holiday is pushing it.

So sorry people here made you cry. The anonymity of boards can bring out the worst in some people. I've had rude comments happen to me, too.

I think I would have done the same thing -- invited her over for the 26th instead. I have had friends like her as well. I feel bad for you because it's a tough spot. (I had 21 people for Thanksgiving, and was working very hard to squeeze them all in, and one of the guests asked if she could bring two people with her. I guess really what's 2 more when you have 21 coming right? But I barely had room to seat the 21. In the end they ended up not coming and I was actually thankful for that.) Hugs to you. If she's pissed, she's pissed.

Although it is weird for someone that isn't a close friend to "invite themselves" especially for Christmas, I still think "it would be nice" implies agreement (husbands don't want to be the bad guy so they let us say no).

Sounds like you did make the right call for you and better now than last minute. I also still think you knew what you wanted to do and just wanted us to confirm. I am so sorry that this upset you so much. My honest answers are never meant to offend or upset.

Have a very Merry Christmas and relax....you will enjoy it more.

Her reaction to your comment that the 26th would work better for you is CONFIRMATION that you did the right thing.

If you were my friend, and came to me with that suggestion (the 26th), I would absolutely "take the hint" and would apologize profusely that you even had to worry about it at all. The last thing I would want to do is impose on a pregnant mom at Christmas time (sheesh).

Some people are extremely self-centered . . .

Have a wonderful Christmas and try to not give it another thought. You did the right thing imho.

WOW. THANK YOU for the FEEDBACK.
I wonder if the people who were judgmental and negative
toward you will recognize themselves in your words here.
I think you are a VERY GOOD FRIEND because you knew
when and how to take care of yourself.
You are a wise woman.

I missed your original question, but just wanted to give you a hug. Sometimes it's hard not to judge when we don't have all the facts, but there are some people who seem to just slam a person instead of taking a few minutes to think before answering questions in a judgemental or petty/pissy way. Try to ignore them in the future if you can. Most of the mamas really do want to be helpful.

I didn't see your origional post, but I would have made exactly the same decision that you did. You aren't a bad friend and she is showing poor manners to be angry with you! It's very presumptuous for someone to even ASK to spend a major holiday with a non family member. I know she is going through a hard time, but she should still have understanding.

I can feel your pain. You tried to make the best decision for everyone based on situation and family dynamic and you probably did exactly the best.

As far as people on here blasting you, there are so many people here who can't wait to spew their crabby attitudes on an unsuspecting poster. Don't let yourself become a victim of someone else's bad day.

HUGS!

Good for you. If she is a REAL friend she would understand.
We live in even a smaller home 900 sq ft. with 1 bathroom, so I know what you meant in the first post about squeezing 2 more people is just not really going to work..
Our kitchen can only handle 1 person at a time, and all of those children and the stress of family drama, would send me over the edge too.

We have to speak up and tell the truth. NO regrets.. You are willing to host her on the 26th! She should be excited about that. Her life is not your responsibility and when you were honest with her, she should have been gracious and not responded the way she did..

I cant believe she is "pissed", how inconsiderate can you be lady!!! For one thing I think it is odd that she asked your hubby and not you. That, in my mind, is not how it should have gone. She should have talked to you about it.

And what she cant take no for an answer, as if her whole world revolved going to your house for dinner. Geeezzz people these days just get weirder and weirder.

And even if your hubby said yes ...LOL we have the right to veto it anyways!

I did not get to see the original post, but I think inviting yourself to someones home is rude, doing it for a holiday is beyond rude! Good for you for saying no, and for coming up with an alternative that would still allow for a visit. Sounds to me like you are a good friend that was put in a hard position.

I think you handled the situation perfectly, and you never should have been put in the situation in the first place. I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas (and I hope she enjoys the Christmas, too, just not at your house).

there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries and saying no. In fact, telling someone "no" is a good test of the kind of person they are. If they only love your "yes" then they are not the kind of person you want to be involved with. As my mother used to say, "She can get glad in the same pants she got mad in." Cheers to you for protecting your time and family. Jeers to your friend for assuming she can horn in on your family time.

I'm sorry you had a bad time with your previous post. Generally, I am a more the merrier type and we end up with all kinds of people on holidays, but I am in a different situation than you are, with more room and everyone pitching in to help. I am sure she is having a rough time with the holidays, so after the stress is all done, maybe you can work on the friendship if you would like to. If she is too needy, then distance is a good thing. The only reason I can see to invite her on Christmas is that maybe your family would behave better with strangers around (just kidding!!!)

I think you did the right thing. I can tell from all you did for her already that you are a kind, generous person.
It was not appropriate for another woman to ask your husband to go someplace without you. It is not appropriate to invite herself anytime, especially not Christmas.
I didn't see the other question, but if I were you, I would let her blowout be the perfect reason to end or seriously cool this friendship.
SHE, not you, seems to be selfish and over the line.
WHERE is the original question? I did not see a way to delete questions.
Did someone report it?

Dude, aren't you pregnant? You get to do whatever make LESS stress for you. Not only do you recognize that you are a good friend who does favors for your friend, you feel guilty about saying "no" to this "favor" as you call it. She sounds completely ungrateful for being pissed at you. EFF HER, you are pregnant and juggling the holiday with your family as you stated isn't the most fun thing for you. You didn't even turn her down flat. You offered a solution for coming the day after. Screw her! She's taking her emotions of loneliness and anger out on you. YOU ARE PREGGY, YOU GET TO DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT. This includes tell your family to get the eff out of your house if they push your boundaries, too. You don't need the stress. All being said, you should stop reading Mamasource until the holidays are over so you don't stress anymore! ;) Good luck! Smile and focus on yourself and that baby!!

Updated

Dude, aren't you pregnant? You get to do whatever make LESS stress for you. Not only do you recognize that you are a good friend who does favors for your friend, you feel guilty about saying "no" to this "favor" as you call it. She sounds completely ungrateful for being pissed at you. EFF HER, you are pregnant and juggling the holiday with your family as you stated isn't the most fun thing for you. You didn't even turn her down flat. You offered a solution for coming the day after. Screw her! She's taking her emotions of loneliness and anger out on you. YOU ARE PREGGY, YOU GET TO DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT. This includes tell your family to get the eff out of your house if they push your boundaries, too. You don't need the stress. All being said, you should stop reading Mamasource until the holidays are over so you don't stress anymore! ;) Good luck! Smile and focus on yourself and that baby!!

You chose to do what is right for YOUR family! It was great of you to still invite her over the next day. If she is irate over that, then you know what kind of friend she truly is. You still extended an invitation. There is nothing more you can do.

PS> I hope my original answer didn't make you cry! (I said that I would probably just invite her because my family is "the more the merrier" motto, OR just invite her to a brunch with a SPECIFIED ending time. But that was when I though YOU were going to be leaving your house. If everyone is transferring to your house after lunch, that wouldn't work anyway..... Because she probably just wouldn't leave.....)

I think you did the right thing. I agreed with you on the other question as well, wonder why it got pulled? Sorry for any bashing you got.

You have been very supportive friend, but can't handle squeezing a few more people in your home on a hectic holiday that you are trying to reserve for family... but are still welcoming her for the next day to spend with several of you. I'm sorry she got pissed, don't take it personal... sounds like she's in a very emotional state right now. Sometimes, you have to set boundaries... even at Christmas time.

I don't know why your original post is gone but you said your husband responded with "that would be nice"...now you are changing it a bit. She seems close enough with your family to go ice skating but you obviously have too much negative history with her. Hubby should have known how to handle himself.

In my opinion... your 'friend' should be more concerned with spending some quality time alone with her daughter at Christmas. You didn't say how old her daughter was, but I am sure a divorce situation is hard for any kid... and the mom should be more concerned with spending some quality time with her daughter than whether or not she can invade on your 'family time'... I didn't see the original post but I think what you did was perfect. Any real friend should understand!
I think it was out of line for her to go to your husband and talk to him about this... like, she figured he'd say 'yes' so she talked to him instead of you (kinda like what kids do when they play mommy against daddy to get what they want!)
I'm really sorry you got such negative responses on your first post that you were so upset. Don't ever regret posting something for help - it's worth some negative/bad responses to get to the super supportive and wonderful ones :)
ENJOY the holidays... and enjoy your pregnancy ;)

Thank you for clearing up your request. You did the right thing. Do not feel badly about your friend since she pushes herself on you to do things. It is not your place to entertain and hold her hand.

Also you now know where you stand with her. May you have a joyous crazy holiday season with your family. I trust that they will not get too out of control.

The other S.

I was trying to find your original question to see if I put my foot in my mouth and I didn't find it and don't think so. I have had friends like you are describing and I too have grown weary of them. They are 'people collectors' in my mind or users, or whatever. What happened to her family that she seems to have to hone in on yours? I think there is nothing wrong should she decide to push this again in being clear about how your holiday goes 'familywise' and that you can't include her. Inviting her the 26th was a good idea, so she chose to be angry because she is out of control. Not so much as being hurt. I also understand the small house situation, we have the same sort of problem, so I get nervous myself and despite the fact I love company do not load up with extra people even if I wanted to. Enjoy your holiday and put her out of your mind. It is for your family if that is how you wish to do it.

I didn't see your original post but reading this one I do NOT think you are a bad friend. I think it's very strange for someone to invite themselves over on a holiday. While helping a friend is great- you have your own family to worry about too and that should come first. It is not as if she is homeless or hurt or something like that. I'm sure going through a divorce is awful but I think offering to have her come the next day is perfectly acceptable and it sounds as if you and your husband went out of your way to handle her gently. By the way, nobody has a perfect family- try to think positive that there will not be drama and your positive attitude may rub off on your family! Good luck, God bless and Merry Christmas!

Why on earth did people bash you? How awful! I am so sorry for that! People can be very mean on this site. Anyway, let me tell you something that might surprise you. I honestly feel that you are being TOO nice to this person. First of all, you said she isn't even a close friend. However, even if she was a close friend, she would STILL be out of line! Who in their right mind invites themself and their kid over to someone's house (with whom they are not close) on Christmas, of all days???? That takes some nerve! Doesn't this girl have any local family? Can't she and her kid fly to see her family? Good grief! This is insane. Something I have learned in life is NOT to let people walk all over you (which I have learned the VERY VERY VERY hard way, but thankfully will never happen to me again). In my opinion, the most important gift that you can give yourself is the ability to say NO to people!!!! It is NOT your responsibility to provide Christmas for this woman and her kid!! Don't EVER feel like you are put on the spot and must say yes. You NEVER have to say yes! Once you give yourself the gift and extremely important skill of saying no to people, you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulder. You have your own life and your own family and you must stop letting people think of you as a pushover! All you have to do is call or email this woman and say, "There is going to be a lot of family at my house on Christmas, and my house cannot hold any more people than will already be there." And that is it! You do NOT owe her a long-winded explanation! You are an adult, and the ONLY people you will EVER owe an explanation to are your husband and your children (more so your husband). And for heaven's sake, don't apologize to her! She should be apologizing to you for putting you through this and making you feel guilty! I stopped falling for guilt trips a few years ago (I used to be a victim to guilt trips, too), and it was truly freeing. Shame on people for doing this to us! So, no apologies - just nicely say that you already have too many people in your small home. End of story. Start saying no to people! Best of luck to you!

It is weird for her to invite herself. Considering your situation, I would have said no also.

I missed your first question, but a very big congratulations for knowing your limits and setting your boundaries! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and good luck with all the chaos that the day already will be bringing for you! You made a very wise decision!

Girl! Don't let caddy people on here make you feel bad. I wouldn't have let her come over either. That is TOO MANY PEOPLE and TOO MUCH CHAOS. Maybe you just give her a call and let her know what is up and apologize that you cannot accommodate her. I wouldn't feel bad at all, this is your family time and her problems are not yours. I think you were very kind in offering to do special day for her on the 26th.

Good luck to you and don't over think it. She is out for her not a friend.

I am sorry you got judgemental comments. I too have a friend who is a taker and not a giver and expects me to do everything for her and does nothing in return. Christmas is a time for family and yes she may be going through a divorce, but what about her child? Does she not have anything she can do with her daughter or go to her own families. I have gotten to the point with my friend that if she gets under my skin I just stay away for awhile, and then she will start to come around and say we need to have tea and cookies again, and we do. Then if she asks for something that is too much I just say I'll think about it, or not respond, or even laugh as if she's joking. It all works out and she has never been mad at me. You have yourself a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and enjoy your little family.

Oh Honey--
It is 100% okay to set boundaries with everyone--even good friends--which it sounds like she is not. You must always take care of yourself first. If it stresses you out then don't do it--case closed. It is not your job to take care of her and her emotional issues; it is her job to take care of herself and her emotional issues. If you can help, great, but not at your own expense. That just becomes enabling. She is pissed because she's not used to you setting boundaries with her. She'll get over it. And most women who will criticize you for this probably have boundary issues of there own. So take care of yourself and your family and don't worry about the rest.
Happy Holidays!!!
J.

You have a duty to take care of yourself and your family first. If you're going to have a crazy with just family, I think your solution of the 26th sounds good.

Dear McK5,
please do not beat yourself up over this! I read this and was shocked that people would have responded negatively towards you! It is very reasonable that you let her know that the 26th was better for you and your family. It was inappropriate for her to ask to come on Christmas and even more so if she knew you had all that family coming over. If we didn't have so much bickering and stress going on over the holidays from our extended families, you probably would have said no problem to her coming over. However, she should have been more understanding of your situtation! Take care and enjoy Christmas!!!

I think you should just let her know that you would love to have her join you another time,but this time won't work. You have family coming into town from far away and Christmas is an important holiday for you to just spend with family. If she says well your husband said it was fine, tell her---he spoke without thinking and hadn't talked to me about it yet. Its just not going to work this time. How about if we set up a time after the holidays to go skating? Be kind but firm. It would be soo ackward for the daughter to watch your kids open their presents----I would have a hard time watching that--she would want to be included and who knows the mom may expect some of the gifts to be for her! j/k. But just be kind and firm about it--don't apologize. I am sorry that she is going through a tough time with her family life, but you shouldn't have to ruin yours to make hers better.

M

I know I am late in answering this, but I felt the need to say GOOD FOR YOU!!! I agree that christmas is a time to give, that being said its also a time for family. You have more then enough going on for christmas, and a good friend would understand and respect that.
Some people here are just rude. There have been times I have sat down and had a cry. Like when I was having troubl with my sons teacher and was made to feel stupid because I have dyslexia, and that it was all my fault. Or the time my EX hubby wanted to give my son an Xbox and I didnt want him to have on. I was shocked at how meny people almost abused me over eather what they felt that I was trying to keep my Ex from giving my boy a nice gift (That wasnt the case) or that xboxes where fine and I should get over it. Underminding the rules my husband and I set for what we fel would work for our family.
Having been in the same boat (So to speek) I jsut wantes to give you a hug. I feel you have been more than fare, and took care of the problem in the best way. Anyone that cant respect what you felt would work for your family can sit on a tack. I hope that you christmas works out, and you have a good time AND that Santa bring you everything you asked for.
Blessings Sweetheart
S.

Good for you! I completely understand what it's like to be put on the spot and to cave, thus being always taken advantage of. I have been used by so many over the years, and am reaching my saturation point. You tactfully advised her that Christmas day would not work, and even provided an alternate day for her to come over. If she is pissed, it's because she's used to getting her own way. And by the way, it's probably the greatest reason why she is getting divorced. It's HER problem, not yours.

Good job standing up for yourself! She did not do a nice thing by inviting herself, and you were very thoughtful for thinking of everyone involved (her kids, your parents, etc.) before making a decision. Enjoy your time with your family!

I just read your post. I am happy you have "stood up" for your self. I to have a friend hat tells me to stand up and say no to things Just don't tell me no. She says. I have to tell her no so I can keep her has a friend and their is nothing wrong with it!! Christmas is for family and close friends ( if they don't have any place to go) Have fun and enjoy the day Family can be stressful enough. Merry Christmas

Danm! As if the holidays aren't stressful enough, you end up having to deal with this! I would have handled this slightly differently. I would have, after she put your husband on the spot the first time, called her and said no. Asking to come over for any holiday I think is absolutely poor manners! I once had friends ask me to join them at their parents house for Thanksgiving but the invite was extended after we were celebrating halloween with the kids and drinking quite a bit of wine. My husband and I decided not to mention it to them unless they brought it up. We assumed it was said in the best of intentions but possibly not in the best of judgement.

If you ask me, she is NO friend to you if she continually imposes on you. The reason she does is because you allow her. I applaud you for your empathy when it comes to her going through a tough divorce but it's not your job to hold her up while getting through. Maybe that's in part a reason for the divorce. She won't take responsibility for herself and expects or manipulated others to do things for her.

Hugs! Have a happy and as-peaceful-as-it-gets Holidays!

Sorry about all the Mamapedia drama. I've asked what to do about potty training and been told that I need to "find God." That's rather insulting because I'm very religious, and what does that have to do with my son's wet accidents?
Anyway, try to ignore those rude comments. People just need a place to be mean where no one can get rude back, I guess.

I think you handled the situation gracefully, and the fact that she was "pissed" that you couldn't do things her way is very indicative of your relationship with her. She's a user. Making her mad isn't the worst thing that could happen. Either she will decide that you're not her friend (because you're refusing to be used and manipulated) and she'll be out of your life, or she'll stay your friend and be more cautious about asking you for things. And I bet either one would be a blessing to you.

I'm going through a very very rough time right now. My husband is abusive and I want out. We're going to counselors and stuff. And that is no excuse for me to invite myself over to someone's house for Christmas or to beg free (unreciprocated) child-care. You were very generous before, and that's a credit to you, but you don't have to bother with that stuff anymore if all it gets you is more begging and a bad attitude when you can't comply.