Last February we had to put our beloved kitty Butterscotch down because of congestive heart failure and tumors. Two months ago we had to put down our much loved bull dog Buster after he was diagnosed with incurable cancer. We didn't want either pet to suffer or be in pain, so we decided against surgery and just let them go peacefully. Both of my nieces, whom I'm helping to raise, were with Buster when he died, but not with Butterscotch.
We have planted bushes in our green as a memorial to Butterscotch and we just planted a tree in memory to Buster. Bother girls, who are now 11 and 13, were very close to both pets, and were very upset when they passed. We all openly grieved, and they handled everything very well.
My question is this: We have talked about getting a new kitty, but when we talk about it, the girls get a bit teary. I'm not sure this is a good time to get a new pet side they tear up when we talk about getting one. Do you think getting a new kitty now would be healing for them or would it do more harm than good? I'm of the mind to go to the Humane Society with them now to get a kitty, but I'm not sure this is wise. What do you think?
I so appreciate everyones thoughtful responses. I hadn't factored into the process that the girls have had previous loss in their lives. Their mom died when they were younger, when they were 4 and 6, and both Buster and Butterscotch were their last "physical" ties to their mom...both girls have memories of bringing the pets home. (Both were rescues.)
I'm helping Dad (my brother, who lives next door to me) raise my nieces, and I'm really glad to be there as a support person. We will keep talking about this, and keep the girls in the decision making process. I sure like the idea of just going to the Humane Society and visiting without the intention of adopting. I think that may help the girls a lot.
I also like the idea of fostering kitties, especially a litter. I'll talk to my brother and see what he thinks before the idea is presented to the girls. I think they might enjoy doing this!
Thanks again for your help.
If they seem to get upset when you discuss it, it might not be time. Then again you can go visit a shelter and see how it goes. It may be whst they need. There is no real answer to when the right time is. Different for everyone. You will know when it's time for a new dog or cat.
It sound like the girls are still grieving. In time, they will move on and think happy thoughts of Butterscotch. As for right now, they still miss him/her. I think it would be best to let the girls wait until they are emotionally ready. Why push it?
Sorry .. so hard to lose pets. They are part of our families.
If they are still tearing up, I would take that as a sign they haven't quite gotten over the loss yet.
When they are excited that's the time to go to the humane society (in my opinion) :)
The best way to find out is to plan a trip to "just" visit the kitties at the Humane Society. Base your plans on how the girls respond. This way no one needs to get upset for one reason or another.
We got a new kitty only 2 months after putting down an older cat who was not close with my kids. I took my son, his turn to pick a new pet, who spent 2 hours playing with all of the kittens and cats. He picked a cat who loves him and responded to him by giving him a shoulder hug. This cat absolutely loves my son, not sure what we are going to do when he moves away to college.
I would take them to them to the humane society to look at kitties just to see how all of you feel. We take quite a while searching for our 'perfect match' in pet, and I always tend to just know when I've found the one for our family, so a trip to the humane society one time would only be the beginning of finding a new kitty.
And FWIW, for us, looking at animals helped the grieving process continue moving forward.
Good luck!
I was volunteering at my son's school and during lunch one of my second grade girls was looking a little sad. I asked her if everything was okay, and she confided that she was upset because they had just put their dog down. She mentioned that they were getting a new puppy and she felt bad that they were replacing him already. I let her tell me more about her dog that passed and reassured her that it sounded like he had a long, wonderful life and maybe she could give this new puppy the same love.
Fast forward a month and each time I see her she is ecstatic to tell me about how big the new puppy is, what it's eating, basically anything and everything. It has clearly been a good distraction and redirection for her. She was able to mourn her dog and is now in love with this new puppy and is in a much happier place.
I think a new kitten sounds like a great thing for your daughters. Just be sure to get them involved with the actual process. Hopefully their tears will be quickly replaced with excitement and love for your new kitty!
So sorry to hear that your nieces have had so much loss in their young lives.
I think there is some great advice here. I would just add a suggestion from my dad, who is a vet. You may want to steer them towards a pet that looks different from their former pets. A black cat instead of a ginger one, a different breed or color of dog, etc. That can help avoid feeling like the former pet is being "replaced." Of course, if they fall in love, they fall in love :)
It's a tough call. Sometimes it's too soon, and sometimes just thinking of the deceased pet is so painful - but then if they see a new and vibrant animal, they see that it's not the same animal and it can brighten their outlook. They are old enough to understand that you aren't replacing a pet right away - that's a problem with little kids when one pet dies and another appears immediately. They think everything can be replaced. But at 11 and 13, it's different.
One thing we did when our dog died was to donate the usable items to the local humane society - bowl, leash, good toys, etc. You could collect those things from the dog (since you aren't considering another dog now), and take the girls to the Humane Society to donate. Take old towels and sheets too - they always need those for all the new animals coming in. While you're there, let the girls take a look in the kitty room and just volunteer 10 minutes of petting some animals who've been abandoned or given up for other reasons. See what their reaction is. This way, your visit to the Humane Society isn't for the purpose of getting a new pet, but rather to help your Butterscotch and Buster "live on" by helping other pets with no family.
And I commend you for considering another pet from an adoption agency. We bought our last dog as a puppy, but wound up getting a rescue 3 years ago from a local humane society/shelter. My husband was like your nieces - not ready - but I was. I saw a dog written up in the local paper (they profile the adoptable animals from the shelter) and this one appealed to me for several reasons. I asked my husband to go with me but said I wouldn't do anything if he really hated the dog. Long story short, she was perfect for us, and he was lukewarm for about 4 days until she snuggled up with him. Now they're inseparable and she really helped heal the hole in our hearts. There's something about an animal who really needs YOU that makes the decision easier. Maybe something like this will work out for your family. But if your nieces aren't ready, just going to donate supplies will be a good deed in and of itself. (Call ahead to see what the shelter really needs.)
I think it's different for everyone.
A new pet will never replace O. that's gone, but it CAN be a great distraction.
Personally, if my child was tearing up during the discussion of getting a new pet? I'd wait a bit.
Sorry for your losses. Good luck!
We had to put our beloved lab down December 2012 and I still get teary eyed when I think or her. But it's okay. I loved her. My boys still talk about her and miss her, even get a little teary at times too.
We got a new puppy December 2013 and she has brought so much joy to our family but it doesn't mean we don't still miss and love Daisy.
My kids are 11 and 7 and they were definitely ready after a year for a new dog.
I think it might be too soon and with the ages of the girls if you decide to get a kitten, the girls will be off to college and you will have the cat all to yourself.
It has only been 2 months. It may be too soon for your girls. I know when our cat comes to the end of her life, I'm not certain how much time will pass before we get a new one but I do know I would prefer not to have another cat but my husband wants a cat so we will get one and I will more than likely fall in love with it. Truth be told I didn' want the cat I have now but almost 15 years later she's family. I actually like living without a cat.
Give them some more time to grieve. Follow their lead. Your children's reactions will let you know when the right time is. Sorry for your loss.
Check in your area and see if there's a rescue group that has a foster program. I fostered for a couple years and it was great to take cats and kittens who needed some extra love before being adopted by their forever home. Your girls are old enough to be the caretakers and they will love helping.
Btw I fostered around 40 cats and kittens and only adopted 1.
I can imagine the thought of having to experience more losses and disappointments is probably pretty huge for your nieces. My guess is that, especially with their young ages, many of these losses all just get lumped together as something to be avoided. (I'm considering the fact that you are raising your nieces, so they have had some prior powerful losses there.)
I think you should let the girls lead on this. They are the most vulnerable in this situation. Unless you are very impatient for another pet, I'd give this time. Our beloved cat was very old when he passed away-- we all needed a few months to grieve and frankly, he'd needed so much caregiving that I had needed a break. About six months later we were ready to bring two new, sweet kitties into our home.
I would talk to them about how they feel. It is understandable and normal to have mixed feelings. Heck, I still miss our cat that died in August, even though we got a new one a month or so ago. I would find out if they just miss the pets that died or think of it as trying to "replace" a cat. My DD in particular liked the idea of giving a home to a cat with no family. Of not only enriching our lives but saving his. You can also go to the HS or an adoption event just to look. Nothing says you have to take anyone home. You say you are raising your nieces, so maybe this is part of an overall grieving process for things they have lost.
FWIW, I would have gotten a new cat sooner than my DH. It took about 6 months for us to get our older cat when a previous cat died, and about 4 before my DH was really open to discussing getting our current "new" cat. So now we have 2 again. In my childhood, we would get a new pet within a month, but everyone is different. Since Buster's passing was only 2 months ago, it may be too soon.
Explain to them you are not replacing Buster or Butterscotch because they are not replaceable. They will always live in their memories, love does not die it lives on in our hearts.
What you are doing is giving a loving home to an animal who needs a home.
To me part of missing a pet is not having the special welcome home after a long day that only a pet can give. It will never be the same but it will be wonderful.
We had to put our 5 year old beagle down about 18 months ago. He had 8 slipped discs and could not be repaired and was looking at living life paralyzed in his hind and in pain. I was not going to get another dong for a while. Oddly enough I found it rather therapeutic to look at rescues. Less than a week later we had found a dog and been approved for his adoption through a rescue. I figured at that point I could not save my precious doggie but I could save another. It also gave my girls (who were 5 and 7 at the time) a distraction over their loss. It did not fill the hole completely but it helped a ton.
I'd give it 6 months to a year before getting a new animal.
what a lovely thoughtful person you are. i'm glad your nieces have you in their lives, and appreciate your sensitivity about this matter.
the teariness may not actually mean they're not ready. it's good that they love so deeply and still miss their beloved pets. i still tear up when i think much about some of my lost beloveds.
there are transitional steps you could take. maybe foster a litter of kittens? if things go well, one of them might end up being your forever kitty. and if you feel it's not going well, you just care for them during the foster period and then decide to wait on doing something more permanent.
or maybe take the girls to volunteer at the humane society? you can observe them while they interact with the animals there and gauge when then they're ready for a new family member.
khairete
S.
There is no set time when it is right to get another pet.
If they aren't ready, then they aren't ready.
If you are ready, then you can get a pet for yourself. The girls may or may not bond with it.
