Question About Behavior in 6 Year Old Boy

My son is 5 years old and is also somewhat sensitive and pessimistic. We started to put him in swimming and basketball to help build up his confidence and that really helped him a lot. Whenever he says something negative like "My circle doesn't look like a circle" (when drawing or cutting)-- I remind him that it takes practice to be good at something and remind him that he couldn't swim when he started lessons and now he is a GREAT swimmer. It's worked like a charm this past 6 months and really has helped to build up his self-image. My son will always be pessimistic, but I hope to teach him to be a little bit more optomistic than most! Also, a friend recommended a book to me called "Raising the Pessimistic child"-- has lots of good tips-- I haven't gotten it yet, but plan to for my summer reading.

Mel

Hi M.,

IMHO, given your son's age and sibling placement, my guess is that he is struggling to find his place in the world (IE WHAT defines HIM) and is constantly vying for your attention. The ONLY ME attention.
He shares middle child placement with your 2 yr. old. Middle children, as you know struggle with, HUMPH! I'M NOT THE "OH SO GREAT" OLDEST and I'M NOT THE "OH SO SWEET" YOUNGEST.....WHO THE HELL AM I? issue.
The lying and bad deeds? Any attention is good attention, you know? Make it a point to pay attention to him and to point out the good in him and I bet you will see a change, not overnight, but still, a change.

Good Luck, and, have a great day!

B.

Dear M., Sounds like you have a real good little man, to me. He has morals and the letter writing to is a way of expressing himself. Perhaps he is a writer, there are different ways of communicating ; none of them are wrong,just different!. I was much like him as a child. My teachers would always tell me to speak up, and were always trying to pull me out of my shell.
My parents divorced in my later/teen years..try not to talk about His Dad Not being around...Honey, he already knows..it only reminds him and makes him feel unwanted and that he doesn't fit in at home.This may be some of the wanting to be perfect and being mad at himself when he messes up. I recall thinking "if I had been a better daughter"..My parents would have Not divorced. Now I know that isn't true..but then I was just a child tring to sort it all out.
I have 5 daughters..all of which have different personallitys..NONE the Same!!!I WAS USED TO MY FIRST BORN..very out going and THE LIFE OF THE PARTY AS WELL, NEVER MEETING A STRANGER TYPE!!! (This type is me as an adult).Well, my second one was just like your little man.Just different than the first;what I had become used to. (This second child was just like myself as a child). I had forgotten I was like this until she came into my life.
These are some things that helped me. Take your little man on a Mommy Date..just you and Him.Go out to eat or grogery shopping....the idea is for you 2 to be all alone. No interupptions! The library, go for a slow walk in the park, anywhere where you both enjoy. Icecream was always a favorite of my kids. Do not tell anyone what you talked about or where you went. This is supposed to be a DATE! I realize you have several children...call in the re-inforcements! Do you have anyone who can sit with the others while you have your date? 30 min. or an hour.Church family/friend(s).
Teach him his manners while he is out with you. Teach him to hold the door for you, as well as other manners he will need as he grows up (Dating). Remember this will become a special time for the two of you. You will also need to begin doing this with each of your children as they grow. Mine are all grown now with families of their own...they still will ask "When are we going on our Mommy Date?"
And they still ask "Daddy, When are we going on a date?"
Daddy Dates are important too!!! Since your husband is his daddy(raising Him) have him take him with him each time he goes; to the local hardware stores, parts stores, co-op, Lowes/Home Depot/Rural King. Man Stores! My hubby is like a kid in a candy store when he comes out of one of these stores, they do wonders for our men...I am sure it will give your little man a big boost as well.
Mommy Dates and Daddy dates thats what I would recommend!
As far as him lying....if they are flat out lies you will have to deal with this behavior. However I gave mine the right to say things like"I don't want to answer/tell you right now" At first I didn't like it...but as they grew I realized it gave them time to re-think their answers, many times Choosing NOT to lie. When you suspect he is/about to lie ask him to stop and think for a minute,because you want to give him the chance to tell the truth;as well as his side of the story.I also gave mine the right to come and talk it out.... Let me tell you one.....My oldest came in with a huge KNOT on her forehead...Screaming "Sissy hit me with a rock!!" Before I realized it..I had the younger by the arm and had drawn back to swat her. She begins telling me Her sister had been throwing rocks at her first, hitting her many times,then she dared her"You couldn't Hit The Broad side of a Barn!" well...I just stopped in mid swing. I told them "You" shouldn't have been throwing rocks at your younger sister and "You" should never let your older sister make you so MAD you try to HURT her!The younger was made to take the older into the bathroom, clean her up and put a bandaid on her forehead.This never happened again. They knew the next punishment would be they had to hold hands all day long!!HA!
My moral...make sure your son has not been put into an awkward situation....and the only thing he knows to do is Lie. He may need a little more time to tell you "WHAT" has happened. Take him away from everyone else..he could tell you more when he is not put in that situation. I Know my second child would open up more when we were one on one.
Keep trying and enjoy this Good little Man!!!! God's Blessings to You and Yours. LaDonna

I have custody of a 6 yr old grandson, an only child in this household. He went through this recently and I discovered quite by accident he felt responsible for his mother's choices, the ones that brought him to us. The low self esteem was harder than the lies/ mischief to correct. I gave him a learn and earn chart with well defined punishment and rewards. After making a point to talk to him each day about his choices that day and praising good choices he has stopped lying and seems to look forward to our chat. I no longer hear "poor me" story but "guess what I did today" has replaced all that negative. As mentioned before this was not over night. It took about 6 mos.

Hi M.,
I had a similar problem with my 2nd(also out of four) son when he was around 6. Looking back on it, I think part of the problem was I was giving him alot of attention for his sulky behavior. I, like you, had alot going on in the house and I think he used his "sadness" to get my attention. Also, my husband and I had been arguing alot during that time and I think he felt insecure. Now, he's 10 and seems much more happy and well adjusted. I just kept saying positive things to him and let him try new activitries(sports, chess club, school play) that he could gain some self esteem in. I also didn't worry too much when he got down on himself, rather I'd say "tommorrow will be a better day" or something similar.
Of course, I don't know if this has more to do with him missing his father but take comfort in that in my situation it was a plea for attention and not a mental condition!!
Hope that helps! Good luck!!
N.

I am not trying to diagnose your child over the internet,however from my expierience with my own son he sound like he may have ADHD. The constant reminderds of the behavior and the lack of confidence are all signifigant signs that sound like a child with ahhd. My son has ADHD and has all of the above signs as well. I know it is a long road,but there is hope. I dont recomend meds in fact I am antimeds,however I do reccomend liver cod oils ,it has DHA and all kinds of stuff in it. You can go to GNC and tell them what you are looking for ,euither that or vitamin B is a great source. All of these will help your child to calm down and process thoughts that will eventually help with his self esteem. I would make him an appointment with a psychologist have him eveluated, They say kids who have these disorders can be affected by depression. I know depression? Yes it can affect them at this age. Well God Bless you and your son. If you have any questions please feel free. I love to share my knowledge about ADHD.

Hi M.,
A divorce in a family, at any age, is tough on children. They are not as resilient as some people say. It sounds like he is trying to get attention and needs it. Give him some dedicated time. Take him, only, for an ice cream and talk to him, and really listen to him. Let him know how his behavior hurts you, and how much you love him. Get him in some church groups and around other families that have gone thru the same things. Church is a wonderful thing for children, and adults, but children really need that good feeling and peace you can find in God. I am sure your hubby is a wonderful man, but it is still not Dad, and unfortunately, Dad is Dad. No matter what happened between you and him, his son needs him and his interaction. Is he involved in sports? Lots of praise when things are good, and show dissappointment when he is bad, but do not over do it. I had a son that negative attention was better than no attention. That level (2nd child) is a tough spot.. especially with a new baby. He may be feeling lost. Love, attention and praise. Hugs to you and him, lots of them!

He's young enough for you to make a real difference in his attitude with just some minor observations. It sounds as if he's a 'melancholi' (temperament. 'negative perfectionist' by definition). Try to understand that (I'm not one, but have been surrounded by them all my life: Mom, brother, husband ALL 4 of our grown kids -- most particularly -- you guessed it, our 2nd of 4 [and a boy]!) They 'tick' to a regulator clock (where I'd be happy if a clock only had hourly increments instead of minutes and seconds. I 'LIVE in the moment')

Anyway, also try to figure out what his 'love language(s)' is (are). You can tell by whatever his 'heartcry' is for (physical touches, words of affirmation [I'd guess this would be major for him and without qualification, as in, 'you did a great job, BUT . . . '], acts of service, quality time, and/or receiving gifts. You can learn more at http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/. I think we usually 'speak' our own natural 'love language' and expect it to 'work' for everyone. It's easy to totally overlook someone's needs when they're very different from our own. I'm 50 and still learning!

God bless and I hope this helps!

Have you talked to a therapist? A trained psycholoigst might have some insight that you missed. I'd hate for you to not address the problem now and have problems later on. Try locating a child pshychologist in your area and have him go through some therapy sessions. It may be something that he isn't telling you and may be willing to tell a third party. Good luck!

I would check out his school situation. Is there bullying going on? That's where I got my low self esteem. I even used to write suicide poetry. Granted, the poetry wasn't until high school, but the depression and low self esteem started at around 10 years old.

Good luck with finding the problem!

xo,

AJ

One answer..Karate! This will be wonderful for him and help his self esteem. Also make him responsible for his lies. Tell him how much it hurts you, his Daddy and Jesus when he lies. My daughter can look me in the eye and tell me a lie, but the minute I say it really hurts me, Daddy and Jesus when you lie, she tells the truth. Go for the Karate!

There is an excellent book called "The Heart of Anger" that I read, and though it doesn't sound like your son really has an anger problem, I think it's a great book for every family. Anyway, the author talks about "training" your children, and the word comes from the same root word as "exercise" and where we get the word "gymnasium". Practice, practice, practice. Model the behavior you want him to have (in this case, speaking more loudly), and then have him practice it. It'll take some time, and you can work on his lying and such as well -- and they're likely connected -- but I think that it could help just to work on his speaking up.

I read your post with my mouth open from shock. My 7 year old is the same way! I have never heard of a child as young as 7 saying that he hates himself and he thinks it would be better if he died. He has told me that a few times and I just want to cry. He hates himself when he makes a mistake. I try to give him a lot of praise and make sure I tell him how special he is. My son is also the 2nd of 4. He is so unlike all of his brothers it is amazing. I have decided that if it continues then I might look into getting him in to talk to a councelor. I figured it won't hurt any.