Questioning Husband's Loyalty

Whenever I get steamed, I have to ask myself. What is more important, the incident or the relationship? Its family. His loyalty may be to rational thought.

Just hope you're trying to keep perspective.

I despise my brother in law, and he probably wouldn't stay with us in the first place, but if he did I'd try to ignore his missteps for one weekend and let my husband or mother in law deal with him. I would never think this meant my husbands loyalty to his brother is greater than his love for me for that reason!

I've found that it's darn near impossible to control what house guests do. Better to just let it go. One thing that you do have the right to, however, is to tell guests to not show up with their pets.

"When the brother walked in, no words of "wow, this is nice" or anything like that. I feel his brother is very jealous that we have something nicer than what he has."

I'm sorry. I really couldn't take you seriously after I read that. You got bent out of shape because your brother in law didn't fall all over himself complementing your new stuff? Here you are, sitting on high, looking down your nose at him because you obviously think all your stuff is so much better than his stuff, and you deserve to be praised because you have such nice and wonderful STUFF.

Congratulations on your nice stuff. I'm sure it will make you very happy in the years to come.

Since it's YOUR house, why don't you just have an extra cheap comforter? is it really that hard? It's a weird request t make of people, and packing a comforter would be a pain. Also...um...washing machine? They're these things, they fill up with water...oh never mind.

You had to take a xanax. Because, of a comforter. YES, you overreacted. You know who his brother is. I feel sorry for a husband in this instance, and I wonder if you are wound up so tight...that you never TRULY enjoy anything. The thing is, I don't think you have let things go for 25 years. I think you've harbored them and you have serious resentment. You've spent 25 years with him, and THIS is what breaks the camels back? I really think you need counseling. I also wonder if all these "incidents" are as trivial as this one. Which means, it's not that your husband doesn't support you..it's that he simply can't understand why you care about these things. Do you have severe anxiety? I think this seems so small, and you've made it so massive.

Sorry honey. Your husband is right. Have you REALLY never forgotten anything when you are traveling?

I have a bag in a drawer that is filled with stuff from hotels. Shampoo, conditioner, body wash, little shaving cream things, cheap razors, tooth brushes and toothpaste, tissues, emery boards, etc. When I have guests coming, including family, I roll up wash clothes and towels, put the things from my bag into a carry basket for them to carry to the bathroom, and a bottle of water, all together into a larger basket that sits on the floor. Most of the time my guests don't use them. But if they need them, they are there.

What this is really about is that you don't like your BIL. You may have very good reasons to not like him. However, to keep peace in the family, you invited him to your vacation place. You need to treat him like a guest in that you help him out with an extra toothbrush and a t-shirt. And for heaven's sake, if he brings his dog (which I'm amazed you agreed to - I wouldn't have), then take the "good stuff" out of his room and put old stuff that is just for him in there.

If you cannot deal with your BIL's 25 years of whatever, don't invite him to your home. Your husband shouldn't have to choose one of you over the other. You didn't HAVE to invite him. Your husband can go see his brother instead. But if you have him in your home, on purpose, then you have to act like a decent host and just get through the weekend. It serves no one's purpose but yours to have a fit over these little things.

Instead, if he does something awful, and I don't mean forgetting to bring a comforter, toothbrush or t-shirt, then let him have it. Quite frankly, I think that you are 25 years too late to be grousing about "little things". Wait for the big kahuna.

Meanwhile, if you are having to pop pills because of this, you need some help. Go talk to a counselor, if you aren't already. It sounds like you have anxiety issues anyway - a doctor gave you a prescription. Just because you have pills doesn't mean that you don't need help figuring out how to handle your life. Get some help.

Dawn

I do suggest that you're over reacting. You can't change what happened and you becoming so upset that you have to take a zanax did more harm to you than anyone else. Then making a big deal of it made everyone miserable including you. Which would you rather be? Right or happy.

I try to choose happy. What have you gained by being so upset about it? You've lost a happy weekend.

This has nothing to do with your husband's loyalty. You put him in the middle as a peace maker. He was trying to salvage the week end. I suggest he didn't know how to support you and make the weekend better. He lacks the skills of a true peace maker.

I would look at this as you not supporting your husband. This was his family. He didn't want you to look crazy to them. I do think you were a bit crazy over this. You cannot control everyone and everything.

You can look at this as your husband thinking you are more reasonable and able to be accepting than his brother. He's had more than 25 years experience with his brother and perhaps knows that his brother isn't able/won't change and so chooses to not engage in a battle with him.

Sounds like you have 25 years of anger built up which causes you to over react. If you want a happier life I suggest you find a way to begin better communication with your husband as well as a way to let go of your past anger. Learn how to handle each situation so that the anger doesn't build up. Start counseling.

What's the use of having such nice things that you stress out when other people come over to enjoy them? When taking care of our stuff takes away our joy, it's just not worth it.

Are you over reacting? Yes, if you intend to "have a nice 2nd home to entertain friends and family". Who would be entertained in a home where the hostess got upset because a guest forgot to pack a toothbrush? Sounds like no fun at all.

Yeah, it's called a GUEST room. You have it to accommodate GUESTs.
Martha Stewart would love your room but hate your manners.

I get that they are bulls in a china shop.
You can stop inviting them but you can't treat them poorly.
One makes you sound sane and one makes you sound like a poor hostess.

Sorry, but I think that his brother forgetting the comforter is trivial - You can wash the linen after they leave. They are guest in your home and it is my belief that you should provide the linens for them and not impose so many rules.

It sounds to me that there is a lot more going on with you and your husband than just this trivial incident - Is it really worth questioning your husbands love over - In my opinion that is immature. I don't know what the other incidents that you speak of are, but you have to give a little and put up with inconveniences when you are in a relationship.

just my opinion, what I get from the question.

Your husband isn't unforgiveably disloyal if you were acting irrationally....and it kind of sounds like you were behaving in a manner that is less than rational if these few things upset you to the point that you were making a scene and having to pop a pill to get through the night. Good for your husband for trying to keep the peace with family vs. itching for a fight.

Your husband's "loyalty" isn't greater to his brother....
You are over-reacting.
That's like inviting someone over to dinner and telling them to bring their own chicken.
Or inviting someone to a birthday party but telling them to bring their own cake slice.
I don't know, it just seems weird to me to invite someone to your house and ask them to bring their own linens.
That's what a washing machine is for. It washes off the dog hair/dirt/drool.
Obviously there are LOTS of issues with the BIL and this is just the straw that broke the camels back...but this particular instance just doesn't seem to be that big of a deal.
L.

Couple thoughts:
*my husband always wonders why I get stressed packing for vacation. Because he throws shorts, shirts, undoes, socks and a pair of sandals in a bag. Hmmmm...wonder when he'll figure out who packs the Q-tips, shampoo, floss, Tylenol, band aids....
This was a dude packing for himself and his daughter.
*You HAD a sheet to solve your comforter problem. I suggest you go spend fifty bucks on a comforter from Target to keep there. For dog situations. Because to invite people to stay AND ask them to "bring a comforter" is tacky. And petty.
*Your husband was actually looking out for YOU because if a spare comforter rocked your world to the point of needing a Xanax? Then you were making a scene. And causing everyone else to feel uncomfortable. And looking petty.
*Youve been married for 25 years and his family has been your family for that long. Any chance you're just looking for excuses to force your husband to dis the brother that YOU have disliked for that long ?

You over reacted.

We have a cottage up at Big Bear lake. We provide things for our guests. They need to bring their clothes and toiletries. Although we do have brand new ones as extras (tooth brushes, etc.).

I have never expected anyone to fawn over our cottage. I do expect people to say thank you for letting them use it.

We have extra blankets. I do not expect my guests to bring anything. We have asked that they do not bring cats, as I am allergic to them. And we have asked them to only bring house trained dogs.

My advice? Go apologize to your husband. Tell him you over reacted and are sorry.

Well, if it were my house NO dog would be allowed on the bed with or without a comforter. Just gross IMO. But I really do think that you are over reacting here. He may have done a lot to upset you in the past but from what you have posted here I do not think he is in the wrong. He forgot-big deal. And you do not sound like a very gracious host to be honest.
Lastly-do not expect everyone to comment on your beautiful house. I was raised to have the manners to give a compliment when I come into someone's home and it sounds like you were too. I am shocked at the amount of people who were not though. Many times I do feel its jealousy though.

I understand that you're not happy to have inconsiderate or irresponsible guests.

But if you have the expectation that guests will bring their own comforter, well that's not being a great hostess, imo.

My suggestions is a) don't invite the brother again, unless you can let go of your expectations, and b) buy a cheap comforter to throw over the bed for the use of the dogs, if that is of a concern to you. Or, hold fast that no dogs are allowed there except your own.

Yes, you are definitely overreacting, in my opinion.

I don't know you, but it sounds to me like there are some other issues, not just your BIL, at play. I can't imagine even having a second home, but to me, it would be more important to me that my present guests are made to feel welcome than it would be to preserve 'perfection' for future guests. I can understand why your husband thought you were making a mountain out of a molehill. It sounds as though you were visibly displeased.

People forget things. You don't know what was on your BIL's plate before he came. You write somewhat judgmentally of him, and your language suggests that you feel he was being deliberate and malicious in forgetting his comforter, clothing and items. Your husband stepping up was just fine-- that's what family is for. Would it have upset you if another guest had done the same?

One thing does pop out at me, and it's that you mentioned needing to take a Xanax. This is where I want to gently ask: do you have some anxiety issues, and could *this* be what much of this is about? You seem to already harbor some resentment toward your in-laws (aside from the child, which you seem to like) and could there be some other underlying issues which triggered your anxiety?

If it wasn't enough that the sheet took care of the problem with the dog, and you can't let this go-- please go talk to a counselor, or a marriage counselor with your husband. Honestly, if it were me, this is not the hill I would choose to die on-- or to end a 25 year marriage on. Get some help, figure out how to let your husband help you out when your anxiety is getting triggered, accept the help (instead of being mad) and move forward.

If you don't want dogs on the furniture supply a cover for the bed, that way there is always one there and if it gets dirty you get to wash it and put it right where you know how to find it next time. I would actually just use a comforter cover when someone was coming that had a pet. That way there's no "Hey, I think your dog is going to make my beds dirty" kind of conversation. If the comforter is already covered when they get there no one says anything.

wow i feel bad for your husband and the whole family there. it seems like you were overreacting since you had to defend yourself to his mom.

Either make a rule no dogs on the bed or supply an extra comforter, and have some extra toiletries (toothbrushes, shampoos and so on)
the fact your upset his brother shared your husbands clothes is CRAZY
,y daughter goes to my brothers house often last minute for a sleep over and she goes with the clothes on her back...she borrows her cousins clothes and then they have a tooth brush ready for her, and the same is true with his daughter for our house.

You need to have a beer or wine and learn to relax and enjoy yourself! not with the xanax of course\

dont worry about the guest rooms being tainted becuase i assume you wont have too much company with that attitude anyway

We visit my family who lives 4 hours away a few times a year. One time, my husband thought I put my bag in the car and I thought he did, so we got down there and I had no clothes, no toiletries, nothing for 5 days. My aunt loaned me some clothes and my grandmother, who we were staying with, shampoo and other toiletries, so I wouldn't have to spend our entire budget for the stay on clothes and stuff. (I did have to buy some things, I won't share deoderant and panties!)

The point I'm trying to make is that even the most contentious of houseguests, we stay with my 82 year old grandmother so that we can clean her house and keep her from trying to do too much when the family comes over (in this case it was for a bbq for Labor Day weekend. My aunts do all the cooking and cleaning up from everyone visiting, but Grandma always tries to do too much before they get there) can make mistakes. Your husband probably loves you but thinks you're overreacting over something silly, like a comforter and a toothbrush. Personally, I never allow other people to bring their dogs to my house, even when we had a dog ourselves, but you invited him and his dog, so you really can't blame him for acting the way he always acts.

I do think you may have overreacted a bit here, but maybe it was just one to many times? None of the things you would have described would have bothered me at all, so maybe that why your husband didn't defend you, bc he just didn't get it at all. Good luck, none of the issues you mentioned seem big enough to even talk about ending a marriage over.

S.:

I'm sorry. Your husband is right. You are wwwwaaaaayyy over reacting.

Sorry - but when people come to my home - I do NOT expect them to bring anything other than their clothes. I have extra tooth brushes and toothpaste. I have clean sheets and comforters...if my things are too nice to allow someone to sleep on - I need to change my "too nice" stuff. What is the point of having the stuff if no one can use it?

You could have easily washed or taken the comforter to the dry cleaners. No fuss. No fights. All is well.

You are letting your stuff with your husband's brother cloud your judgment. I wonder - if your sister or brother had come without a comforter and tooth brush - would you have thrown such a fit? If you can HONESTLY say "yes, I would have thrown a fit" - then you need to take a step back and ask yourself - again - what is the point of having something no one can use?

I don't have a second home. Even if did? I would have items that people can USE. I would have back up tooth brush, blow dryer, t-shirts, etc. especially if we were near a lake or other type of activity...go to Goodwill and pick up varying sizes (one or two each) of t-shirts and pants. because messes happen...

My parents have a motor home...and they even have "extras" in a plastic bin in one of the storage compartments. Stuff happens!!

Your husband does not have a greater love for his brother. PLEASE!! You over reacted and need to apologize to him and his family for over reacting. That's what I would do.

I can understand you're annoyed, but really, this doesn't sound like THAT big of a deal. For this time, take the existing comforter to the cleaners. For next time, get a "junk comforter" that you normally keep in a closet but that you can take out when people bring dogs our something like that.

In terms of your relationship with your husband, in a healthy marriage, he should be able defend you when it's something really important but also respectfully let you know if you're overreacting.

Maybe a weekend was not a good idea. Sorry but your overreacting a little here . The toothbrush let go, pj's let go they are brothers. But the dog thing I would be pissy about. I think he had a nerve to bring a dog in the first place. Your husband just wanted you to suck it up for that weekend. Has noting to do with loyalty at all. It has to do with he did not want to be stressed out all weekend and I do not blame him. Please for next time , if there ever is. Make a house rule. NO OTHER ANIMALS ALLOWED IN YOUR HOME. Only your dogs should be in that house.

No no no.... Don't ever think his love for his family is greater. It's just the wrong way to think in your relationship. He needs to be made to understand how you feel. The problem stems from you letting incidents go. I did that and it boiled up inside me. But as for how he treats his family vs. you, that's how my husband feels,that my loyalties go to my family. In reality, I don't love my family more, I go out with my family more because I have an extended family that does stuff together and we welcome him but all these years he's felt like he was second. What he doesn't understand is that I am with him everyday, all the time. If he wanted to do something, I would do it.

When it comes to company, I defer to company. My kids need to give up toys to guest, I would give up my bed for guest... it's the way I was raised. They are only there part of the time so we defer to their needs. Maybe your husband thinks this way too. It's not that he's doing anything against YOU, it's him doing something for THEM.

But if certain things bother you that much, push to get him to "get it". But please don't start harboring ill feelings. Ofcourse he will defend his brother. I defend my family. But you know what? I defend him too. It's just, he never heard me or saw me because he wasn't around to see it.

First, I will say I am a lot like you in regard to things like this. For me, the thing in my house is no shoes inside. Simple enough, but I feel like I have to police it all the time because people just don't get it. I want people to feel welcome here- with their shoes off. Use my kitchen, make yourself at home, drink everything from the bar. Just don't wear shoes. But I realize that my stress about this does sometimes make people feel not quite at home. And my husband used to react a bit like yours, my stress exhausted him, and he felt like he had to compensate for me, which looks a lot like disloyalty.

So we worked things out, that it helps if he give a crystal clear, brief, no shoes in the house (which means don't put them on while you are in your guest room and walk out with them!!) speech, and then we move on with things. We both have quick, witty comebacks if someone starts to forget so that we don't make them feel embarassed. Being on the same team helps us both. And then I do try to make people feel at home and let them know I'm glad they are there.

I feel like I recognize your situation. I'm thinking hubby isn't more loyal to brother, etc. than you. I think he was reacting to the stress and trying to keep the peace. Feels like betrayal to you, but I think he felt trapped and was just trying to keep everyone happy (which made you unhappy).

I know sometimes I focus so much on what can go wrong in my house that I forget to enjoy the people in it. I'm wondering if this is what happened to you. MIL butting in only made things worse, I'm sure.

So yes, brother was in the wrong, so was MIL. And hubby didn't make things easier for you. But I really feel like he is afraid of losing anyone or upsetting anyone. I suggest you talk with him and have a give and take. Let him know you were highly stressed and probably could have done a better job of creating a welcoming environment. Then let him know that you feel all alone in your stress and the lack of the support makes it that much worse. Let him know you'd like a game plan next time so that he knows what he can do to support you (maybe make a list of rules or things to be done so that he knows what to help with), and that you will make more of an effort to be easier on people.

I'm not saying you did anything wrong, I get where you're coming from . But as someone who does the same thing, I recognize that I can make people on edge in my home. Doesn't mean I lower my standards, just means I am better prepared now. And where can I get one of those xanax? :-)

I'm guessing that a lot of replies will let you know that you may have gone overboard and that you need to chill. So buckle up for those, but try to learn from the perspective and take them with a grain of salt. I do envy people who can just let 'whatever' happen in their homes. Sigh.. :-)

I'm with hubby on this one. I always tell people NOT to pack things like toiletries (toothbrushes, toothpaste, soap, etc) and would certainly not ask them to bring something for their dogs. However, we are allergic in my home and animals can't come over at all. That's also a known fact and people respect it.

If you didn't want the dogs in the new, nice guest bedrooms, you should have requested for them to stay home.