Questions About Active 4 Year Old

I've noticed my son is more aggressive when he watchs anything with fighting in it. For example we took away his movie "Incredibles" because everytime he watches it gets worse for a day or so after.

Maybe a judo (or karate or kung fu or tae kwon do) class for him to learn about force, the when & how of using force, and more importantly NOT using it...all while learning to focus his energies, exercise, discipline, camaraderie, etc.

I really think it's a boy thing. I know they seem so savage. At home my youngest always "Kills" whoever... at school they say he is the most polite kid ever. Go figure. LOL. I wouldn't worry unless he starts hitting others.

I am a mother of 2 boys and I grew up with a brother. This behavior sounds normal to me. Pretend fighting, wrestling, shooting, etc. is normal. You should set up some guidelines, though. For example, NO shooting people. Only targets. You can pretend to hit & kick --- but don't actually hurt someone. It would also be good to teach your son empathy. Whenever he gets hurt, talk about how that feels. Then have him apply that feeling to someone or something else. How do you think that makes him/her/it feel? He will pick up both good and bad habits at daycare. It's important that you talk to him about what is and is not acceptable behavior. Make sure he is getting enough physical activity/exercise during the day so he can exhaust that energy in a positive way. For example --- dance, gymnastics, swim lessons, soccer, tee ball, riding a bike, playing at the playground, etc. I wouldn't squelch this behavior --- I would just harness it in a positive way. Welcome to the world of boys!

i watch two 4 y/o's plus my own 4 y/o boy and they are always play fighting. just about every activity turns into karate or some kind of fighting. my son used to make his toys fight too when he was a little younger. it's just his way of using his imagination. as long as it stays pretend, he just being a little boy and having fun. if you join his play you can help him expand his imaginary intrections to stories or adventures. just have fun!

Hi there. Just wanted to add my opinion. I have four boys and they all did that at some point. They loved to pretend that they were superheros. As long as he is beating up the bad guy, you're fine! As long as he is not hitting anyone else, you have nothing to worry about. He's being a peacemaker by getting rid of the bad guys. He's also finding a healthy way to release some energy and frustrations (he's not taking it out on any people). Perfectly normal! Good luck!

As a kindergarten teacher I can tell you that this is very normal behavior for little boys. And that they do pick it up from peers. But unless you plan on raising him in isolation, he will be exposed and pick it up at some point. Now is a great time for you to talk to him. Let him know it's ok for toys to fight and for him to play fight with imaginary bad guys. But not ok with other people...I have seen kids get hurt from the play fighting and do not allow it at school. Also talk to him about how to solve issues in "real life" as he is just starting to make a distinction between imaginary and real. So right now, you find yourself at a point to make a difference and teach him what you want him to know/do. Isn't motherhood wonderful!

V., my experience is unique, but I can share so you have something to compare: I raised my two sons in the wilderness of the mountain forest, where helicopter came once a month. no tv, no radio, no neighbors, only the books that i chose them to read, and some toys without any weapons, tanks, guns, even water pistols, no violence around whatsoever to observe.
We lived there for 5 years, when boys were 3 and 5 to 8 and 10.
Homeschooling, never waking them up 'on the alarm clock", total friendly environment so to say.
Now, they are 23 ans 25, great friends, and never ever in their lifetime did they fight, argue, quarrel, call names. All the issues of concern were solved by sitting down and talking about how to go around, and what to do next...
As I say, this is Extreme.
yet, I can tell you that you probably make a right conclusion: something your son picked up from the daycare, if he never played fights before... something to think about.
I would start working on it right now.
Maybe some good talks would help, trying to make him think how feels the toy that gets hurt...
it is dangerous, although not very many realize, that at some point some kids do not understand anymore the difference between the tomato sauce and real blood, killing in the video game and real killing of a real man, because in the game, you turn it off, and start all anew, where in the new tryout, all the heroes who were just slaughtered 10 minutes ago, run around healthy and strong again. Children do not discern, as they cannot analyze, synthesize, evaluate, or even generalize, yet.

I DO NOT SAY THAT ALL THE TECHNOLOGY IS EVIL, OR THAT ALL THE CHILDCARES AND SCHOOLS ARE ONLY DANGER, not at all.

But, there needs to be one caring, conscious and responsible parent who chooses what and how kids play...
if led through the inevitable experiences of disasters of contemporary society by a caring loving heart that is connected to a rational and wise mind, then all will be FINE,
and one more caring loving creative soul will join the crew :)

V., I believe you are right to be concerned.
Seek for the ways how to guide your Son through!
Good Luck!
M.

Oh yeah. Normal. Think about what the male role has historically been: fight off invaders, saber tooth tigers, anyone trying to do your family harm. You can take the boy our of the jungle...

I see that your responses mostly say your son is normal. I too was shocked when my son at just two started tossing himself on top of his older sister, smacking me, and just being very violent. Over the past couple of months, I have discussed these issues with the whole family. We talk to our children and help them work out their issues. Here are some of the results: 1) Peace Couch (later, he will see Peace Place in school which is where children talk out their troubles toghether using I statements.) When he is all wilded up more then is appropriate, he is carried to the couch (sometimes over and over) to calm down. He can punch a pillow stomp on the floor, scream, whatever...let it out! We are in a near by room and he can come in when he is done. My daughter goes there when she has crying fits too to soothe herself. They just get a hug and can join the play, no questions asked. 2) When sibling is involved, Peace Couch first if necessary, and then we discuss together what happened. I have taught both to deal with both sides. Meaning that if either one is receiveing behavior they don't like (being the victim), they should say: No, I don't like that and remove themselves from the situation. This has really helped in school situations. They can both now identify certain behaviors in ohter kids that are not appropriate for the environment or is bully behavior. This has helped them identify it in themselves in turn...so they actually discipline themselves when they catch themselves being bullies. 3) finding positive outlets for energy. I too never thought about it with my older daughter. Now, I make sure to run them around the block after dinner even when it is freezing cold if we hadn't been able to get out and be rough. We sometimes just go out on the porch and scream..let it all out...because there is no screaming inside the house. I often do it with them too which actually makes me feel great to get it all out. 4) Redirect play. Just like when he was a baby getting into something he shouldn't. Acknowledge: Looks like that punching/ fighting makes you feel good. However, we don't punch things, it makes people feel bad. Let us go run around the block really fast instead.

Hi V.,
I don't think you have much to worry about as long as the aggressive behavior is with toys. My son was similar at that age, he is 9 now and a good guy, plays well with all his friends, wonderful with smaller kids, nice with all of his pets but loves to play war games with his toys, sword fights with his friends. I think this is pretty normal for boys, my friends who don't allow toy guns in their homes watch as their sons turn everything from sticks to picture stands that fold into pretend guns.

I talk to my son about whether or not there is a reason behind this or a bully at school or anything of the sort and he says he just likes to play games like that. I also introduce a lot of other games, everything from uno to electronic battleship. He enjoys battle ship and at the same time is learning about graphs and how to read them with the placement of the ships.

He did have a bully at school for awhile and that was showing up in his play, we spoke with the teacher and I spoke with the other childs parents to where things seem to have worked out between them. Keep the communication open, it is amazing what they think about even at 4 yrs. and it is true boys games can be different from girls.

I have also encouraged my sons friendship with girls, he plays totally differently when playing with girls and I think it is a good balance for him. He is at an age now where he gets teased a little from some friends for playing with girls but I keep telling him having different kinds of friends benefits him more than pushing friends away just because they are girls, again the communication validates his feelings and makes him feel good about being able to have many different friends and keeps that variety of play happening. Good Luck and have fun!
S. M

I have a 4 year old boy and he sounds much like yours. He fights everything, even pretend bad guys, and every toy turns into a gun. It is amazing what kids will pick up. from what I've heard I think this is pretty normal for boys. It sounds like he's got an imagination, and as long as he isn't hurting others, he is probably fine. My son's friends do the same thing as well and they all pretend they are different superheroes. I think this is ok.

i have two boys and i don't remember my brother being as rough as them, so i'm not used to the wrestling and fighting either. it makes me tense. but they really need the large muscle action and the tough-guy pretend play. one thing that i find very helpful is for my husband to wrestle them every night he is home. it looks painful and uncomfortable to me, but they love it. when he is working, i try to get them to do something active like hide & seek or dancing to fast music (especially music that sounds dramatic like the music that would be played for "bad guys" in a movie-- that's funny and exiting for them). you can show him new moves, either yourself or by tv, so that he has more creativity in his movements, not just fighting. things like push ups, jumping jacks, hopping on one foot, breakdancing, spinning. he's just looking for an outlet. many times in the middle of the day when i'm busy cleaning, my 4 yr old will ask that i put on specific music and he'll run all over the house pretending something superhero, often in costume. i just have to remind him occasionally of the rules of what and who he can hit or wrestle. when they know that it's ok for them to play it, but that there are limits, it's easier.

Boys are different than girls! I was never around boys growing up. It was just me and my sister so when I had my son I was scared! I didn’t know a thing about raising a boy! I have come to find out that they are amazing wonderful beings who see things very differently than girls. My son wants to wrestle with everything too! He makes guns out of anything he can find (we do not have a single gun in the house toy or otherwise). He makes every boy noise and thinks it is very funny. I think it is a physiological thing! My son is very affectionate and loves to give me hugs and kisses but I must say that even his kisses hurt sometimes! Boys are aggressive and more physical that is just the way it is! We as parents need to make sure they learn how to respect other people and it sounds like you are doing great in that area! He sounds like a great little boy to me!

Hi -

I too have a VERY energetic 4 year old son. He too makes his toys fight and he loves to pretend sword fight like a pirate. He learned this initially from his cousin. He goes to preschool and we're working on his manners so he knows not to play too rough with the other kids. He's a great kid overall. Like you said, good manners, good with us and most of the time with his 2 yr old brother. I am a full time SAHM. Please ignore the advice of Christa. She has no idea what she's talking about. You have to do what is right for you and your family and if that means you have to work, so be it. My boys stay at home with me all the time and he is apparently very similar to your son. Yes make sure he gets enough attention, but all of us that have more than 1 child have to make sure of that right? Just try to make sure he's "fighting" for good. Make him the superhero and he can fight bad guys. He'll be fine.

It's totally normal. Just watch to make sure he's not pushing other kids around. He might be acting out frustration, he might think is just fun. My son is 4 and is always fighting imaginary bad guys. He has a Spiderman obsession. Maybe introduce him to some good guy superheros so that he can play the good guy fighting evil instead of just fighting.

His life has changed DRAMATICALLY. He used to be at home, with mommy all to himself. Now he doesn't get to be with her during his entire day, he's forced to deal with a group of non-loving people instead, and when he finally sees mommy, she's swamped with a baby. Isn't this sort of obvious?

He's angry, honey. He's been abandoned. And you or I would be angry too. Jump through hoops to find a way to work far fewer hours outside the home.

Remember, daycare was invented for very sad-situation families who were desperate. It was never meant as a healthy choice for non-desperate people, because it's not the optimal situation for children, as we are seeing here.

Please don't get angry at me. I'm not telling you anything that any counselor or grandma wouldn't point out.

Check out Love and Logic from the library-it is simple but effectice and it helps make parenting fun again! L.