Hello All,
I have few questions for you today, hoping some of you will give me some relief/good advice/hope: how do you help your child deal with the anguish of seeing his father living with another baby (his half-sibling) 24/7 when he can only see him 3x a year and he ADORES him? How do you help him NOT to feel that his father loves the other child more than him? How can he understand it all? Do you have any experience in being the child? Also, how do you (mamas) deal with the anger and devastation resulting from your child's pain? Thanks a lot.
Added: we live in different countries - his father did not move after divorce (his choice).
Dad on Purpose: it is entirely possible that moving away was the BEST choice at the time (and it was) given some serious circumstances unknown to you. It is also entirely possible that the dad was ok with my choice at the time. Just so you know.
Ms. Kitty: they skype all they want, the man has been welcome to my house every time he could visit, I facilitated their contacts as much as I could since day 1 and as a result, they DO have a relationship.
Dad on Purpose: you are off topic and definitely not helpful, I also suspect you want to be right at all costs, no matter what I say. I am aching for my son and you don't get it. I'll forgive you, though, you have being a man working against you (and maybe I brought about a touchy subject for you). I hope you can leave me alone with your comments now, if you want to try and be kind, thank you.
I'm not in this situation but can't you use something like Skype so they can see/talk to each other more often? Good luck!
This is just my take on divorce based on my divorce, when my kids feel upset, jealous, or any other feeling because of the other house it tends to be something an adult said to them not realizing how they would react.
You need to remember you have feelings on this. Just looking at your other questions I would say this divorce was not your idea. Now he has another baby, reasonably you would feel why isn't our son good enough. You would feel he is trying to do child 2.0. Those feelings effect your son's perception.
It is not easy but you have to not feel like your son is competing for love then you have to explain to you son that like all parents we are capable of loving many children all the same. I have four kids, when I had the second that didn't take anything away from the first, I just found more love and so on and so on.
I know it isn't easy to push your feelings aside but if you care for your son you will. You will paint your ex as the most loving man on earth. I know you want to be angry because of what you feel he is doing to your son but you are hurting your son with that anger.
I deal with my anger by knowing that at least my kids are happy and that is all that is important.
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Why are you diminishing Dad's advice saying he is giving it because he is a man? Have you considered that he comes from a place like me, knowing the damage that comes from putting your feelings before the effect on the child?
I am lucky, I have people in my life, who include my husband who is also a man, who will tell me, J., how will that effect the kids. Stops me in my tracks when I am about to let my emotions take over. You don't seem to have that support system, maybe you need to find it. Thing is blaming all your troubles on all men is going to really hurt your son as he becomes a man. Don't think for a second he isn't picking up on it. As soon as he figures out he is a man he will be crushed and assume you hate him as well.
Please consider finding a therapist.
It sounds like you blame your ex for not moving when you did. My mom divorced my dad but then had to stay in Houston so we could be near him even though she hated it there and would have rather been near family on the east coast. So, we saw him every other weekend. We still had the pain of seeing him give most of his attention, time and money to my two stepsisters (going to their high school events and not ours, taking out loans for them when they were young adults, paying for their college and not ours, paying for their wedding and not contributing to mine, etc). My brother and I both grew up with self esteem issues and thinking back on the disparity still makes me angry and feel unloved. So, no matter what, your son is going to have pain about this. Since you moved to another country you knew he would pretty much no longer have a father in his life. It's time now for you to mentally move on and look for ways he can get a father figure that he can adore. Uncle? Grandpa? Join Big Brothers Big Sisters? Sports? Explain to him constantly that his dad loves him very much and sees him when he can...then focus on the positives in his life and keep reminding him of all the good.
Jo W gave you some very sound and compassionate advice.
Reassure your son that his father loves him just as much as his other children and then turn the conversation to something positive. Try as best as you can to keep your feelings (anger, devastation) separate from your son.
wait a second.
I had a reply I was working on, but then I saw (in your SWH) that you took your son and moved to ANOTHER COUNTRY? And you still want to blame the father for not...what, following you, his ex to another country?
From your profile, it's been 4 years since the separation/divorce?
Have you started dating again? Maybe take up a hobby? Might help take your mind off your ex. :)
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My answer doesn't depend on how good a reason you had. YOU moved, and now FOUR years later are STILL in a twist over how it played out. How's that working out for ya?
I would encourage your son to have a relationship both with his father and his half sib and learn to share. My stepkids weren't necessarily keen on DD when she was born, but it wasn't about them. And you know what? They love her. So see this as a good thing for your son. I have to wonder how much of it is really just normal rivalry (I'm assuming here that the baby is here...your post is a little unclear) - I tried to sell my sister in a yard sale. My mom was not amused. But my sister was here to stay so I had to get over it. Your son can, too. If you need to discuss things with your ex, try to do so with the kids' best interest in mind. Try not to play into the "I'm not the only child anymore" six yr old angst. You acknowledge that things are different, but if you let him play the victim, it will bite you in the butt when you need to make a choice that is good for you/him but he doesn't get a say in. Like getting married or having a child or moving. If your child has a lot of problems dealing with his dad being so far away, consider counseling for him.
How can Dad on purpose have being a male against him? isnt that what your son is? I would think advice from all genders would be good.
I also happen to think it was your choice to move to another country. You can not be upset with a man for not following you from country to country? I saw he cheated and lied? My ex did the same and a bunch more and I would never think that was reason enough to move to another country. If your ex is safe enough to see 3 times a year I would think you did your son a disservice by moving so far away. You chose this for your son.
If your son misses his dad and you can moe back I'd do that. Honestly as long as he wasnt a danger to my child physically then I wouldnt move across the world and choose for my daughter not to have a relationship with her dad. In my eyes that's not my choice to make.
But I think Jo gave stellar advice on how to handle it since you obviously are staying where you are at.
Why does he only see his father 3x a year?
I don't mean to intrude, but why can he only see him 3 times a year? That sounds awful, the only thing I can suggest is to arrange more visits.
