Ready to End It

I think you guys need family counseling, as soon as possible. If the first therapist you find isn't working for you, find another one. You guys have hope, but you need to figure out how to resolve these issues.

Does your husband have nieces and/or nephews? If so, how does he interact with them? If he has some sort of positive bond with them, I would ask him to pattern that same uncle relationship with your older children. His separation issues from his first step relationship are valid as is his statement that they already have a father. Try asking him to act as an uncle and that might be a confidence building step for him.

I know if my husband and I got divorced and he insisted that his new wife act as a mother to my children, I would be uncomfortable with that. I am their only mother and would rather see any step relationship defined in some other way than "mother" or "father".

I raised two stepchildren who are in their 20s now. A relationship between your husband and your children CANNOT be forced. He doesn't have to love them. He needs to respect them and treat them well and fairly. It takes an average of SEVEN years to create a blended family. Some never feel "blended". He is right that they have a father and he will always have a different kind of relationship with them then their father does. If over time, they come to create a bond, that's great. If not, respect and consideration from both sides is all you can ask for.

To help you both understand the dynamics going on, and to improve the communication between you, a good counselor can do wonders. Please find one.

This is a very difficult situation. You must be incredibly frustrated. If I were in your shoes I would probably feel trapped, as though one way or another, I may lose something dear to me here.

Three things that you said put up red flags in my mind. 1)You titled your message "ready to end it". A marriage is a very difficult relationship that will always be heavily challenged. If we allow ourselves to think about an escape like ending it as one of the options to our relational problems, it is like injecting poison into the relationship that we are working so hard at. I'm not saying that if your relationship is only misery all the time and there is nobody in this world or the next who can help you with it, then you have to stay in it. I'm just saying that if "quitting" is one of the options you have in mind when you are trying to solve a problem, then your chances of getting a solution go way down.
2)You said that your kids come first to you. Kids are awesome! I love mine immensely and pour the majority of every day into them. But my husband was here before they were and he will be here for a LONG time after they are gone (I hope). So when it comes down to one or the other, he is first. He never puts himself in the way of my caring for them, and I don't think your husband would do that to you, either. But if there is a choice of attending to one or the other, I choose him. (Of course, if they have true survival needs, I always meet those). This does amazing things for him and for our relationship and I would never want to do it any other way. You really have to put your husband first or your marriage will never be all it can be. It may not even be able to survive.
3)You said that you are ready to tell him that your kids are part of the deal and... Are you saying that you did not tell him that in the first place? If you did not lay it out like that for him before he married you and you tell him now that that's the way it is, you are being terribly unfair. You may think that he should have already known that, but it looks like he simply didn't. That's not really anyone's fault, it's just a fact. This is a very emotional issue for you, and it can be hard to see both sides. But it's important to be fair. He is obviously a very special person with something (or lots of things) that make you very happy. So treat him like he's all of that so that you can be sure to keep him.

Remember, too, that people are often controlled by their emotions and cannot do what their emotions do not allow them to do. He may not be deliberately refusing these relationships. He may truly not be able to do this right now. If that is the case, could you live with the fact that you have a good relationship with your children, your children have a good relationship with their mother and their father, and you have a good relationship with your husband? It sounds like a pretty good package. And if you accept it as enough, who knows? Maybe someday you will have much more.

I am wondering if your children ever told him that they want a relationship with him. Maybe you should suggest they go fishing, play baseball or something that they all have interest in while you take the youngest to do something. Let your husband know how much it hurts you to see your children crave the attention that they are not getting from him.

J.,

I am so sorry to hear that your husband does not want to get close to your children. That must be very hard for them. Have you sat down and told your children that they are doing nothing wrong. It's h*** o* kids when they don't feel "accepted" or "loved". I guess its hard for me to give advice as my husband excepts my daughter as his own. She will be 12yrs old in October and he has been in her life since she was 5yrs old. She does have her father whom she have visitation with, but my husband doesn't care about that, as far as he is concerned, he is her "Dad".
Again, I am sorry I don't have any advice, but I wish you luck and hope your husband opens his eyes and realizes that he is lucky to have 2 more children in his life...

wow! I am struggling with this same thing, kindof. As women- I think we are typically more open to loving people. I raised my step son as if he were my own- but NOT replacing his mom. My future husband is struggling with my son, who has now become "special needs" and requires more work on our part than his son did. I think it's harder for men- not impossible, just harder. My son and fiance interact at times- jsut as I always hoped they would, and other times- like last weekend, I was told that he isn't really sure he wants my son involved in his side of the family's events- I told him he would go alone then- I won't do that to my son. BUT, we are not yet married. You need to keep your marriage first. Your kids are at an age they can interact with him at a level they are comfortable with. If you truly love each other, this will all work out.

Would he be willing to go to counseling? Check out a website called storefront.com. I'm not sure if you're in the area but they have classes on how to be a step-parent. It might help him. I'm sure he's concerned about bonding and having it taken away but that's where his hang up is and not all situations will end like that. Marriage takes lots of work to make it. Granted, divorce rates for 2nd marriages are 80% higher than first marriages so it takes more effort and it's complicated by adding children into the mix. Maybe check out step-parenting classes in your area or call your local government center for classes or even child protection services will have information on classes.

Rebecca S mentioned putting her husband first. One of her reasons behind this was that "he came first." Obviously, in your situation, your 2 children came first! You both know that even good relationships can sour and there's the possibility that he won't be your husband forever so I advise you not to put him over your children, who will always be yours.

Counseling keeps coming up and I have to agree with it, but I also know that many men have trouble going along with counseling. (I hope your husband is different) It seems like your guy is putting up walls and giving excuses for not spending time with your children.

You and your kids are a package deal, this should go without saying. Yes, I believe your husband DOES have to love them as he's taken you and them both into his family. If your husband refuses to love them like family, then he doesn't deserve any of you IMHO.

Hi J.:
Mom's with kids are a package deal. Love me love my kids it's as simple as that. He is using a stupid excuse to not get close to the kids. Even if he was burned in his last marriage and lost contact with his step-children that is no excuse to not get close to your children. He should be able to have at least some contact with his step-children if not then he didn't try very hard. I feel that he is using this as an excuse to not get involved with your kids.
Ask him this why is able to have a relationship with you since his first mariage ended badly? All relationships come to an end eventually, people die, grow apart etc. There is nothing wrong with having a blended family and welcoming all the children his step-children and natural children into your lives. Who knows they may need to contact with him. If the mothers all agree what would be wrong with inviting them all over for a pizza party/sleep-over/movie night evry couple of months. The kids might feel funny about it at first but the lessons they learn about love, acceptance and family would be invaluable. My ex-husband and I each have children from other realationships, since our divorce, who share older siblings, my son and his son are good friends and my son spends alot of time at my ex's home. Some people think it is so weird since my ex is not his dad, my feeling love should multiply not divide.
One other point --- if he is constantly pushing the kids aside they feel as though they are unacceptable as human beings. This rejection can stay with them throughout their lives they may always have trouble in relationships because they feel unloveable or unworthy. Tell the hubby to suck it up or get lost. Whether he means it or not he is being emotionally abusive.

Divorce should not be an option. He isn't abusing you. I would try counseling. If he won't go then tell him that you need to separate until he realizes that he NEEDS to go to counseling with you. If after you are separated and he will not go, you go, you and your children go and keep firm that he is not allowed in your house until he goes, then it will all be his choice as to what he does. Favoring children is not an option, it is not fair to your children, it isn't like they chose to be in this situation. My husband does not treat my daughter the way I think he should, but he doesn't treat our son like he should either, he treats them equally and has been getting better over the years. Pray for him, seek counseling, try and get some good role model fathers in his life and talk to him. Good luck and I will be praying for you.

My question is he mean to the children or does he just not have any thing to do with them ? I know you want every one to love each other and be happy and I am sure in his own way he does love your children if he is not being mean to them . I guess some people are afraid to step in to try to replace the parent who is not always there . Does he not have family time with you and your children I guess that is what I am asking . I know it is frustrating .Is it that he does things with your child together and his daughter and leaves your children out of it ? I hope every thing works out .

I think this should have been established before you moved in or got married. I say that because I was once a sinlge mom and that's how I weeded out the bad/good guys I dated. If they weren't interested in my daughter in the beginning I felt they would never be and you cannot force it or sit back and hope for it.

The man I'm with now has always been very very good to my daughter. Always would tell me things like I wish I could call her mine. I want to be her dad. Nothing was ever forced or pushed on him. He was one of the only guys that has this great quality about him. I had dated other guys and were just phoney,fake, obviously not interested or I could tell if I did have a child with them my first child from a diff. relationship would be pushed to the back burner.

You are in a very difficult position because you now have a 5yr.old in the mix. I'm guessing your older children can sense that Mr.Step Dad doesn't see or treat them the same as his own and I can tell you from my childhood and having divorced parents that HURTS badly and can really screw a kid up.

I would just try and do things as a family, make sure everything is always fair and equal. You certainly can't force or make your husband bond with the kids but maybe prehaps set up outings or such that would kinda force everyone to bond as a family.