Really Struggling with Family size..help

Three is harder than two. You are outnumbered. Family rooms in hotels etc usually only accommodate four people. Having said that, it is a wonderful joy to have three, and my three are close in age and are the three amigos. My family didn't feel complete until we had three children, and any difficulties tnat three bring, we just deal with. What else can we do?

If there is any doubt at all then hubby needs to postpone his surgery. If there is any chance you'll regret not having that next baby or even more after that one then your marriage will suffer over time as you resent him for doing this too soon.

You are very very young to decide that you are never going to have more children. I happen to think big families are awesome. I was only able to have 1 child and regretted it for years and years. I am now raising several of my grandchildren and am very happy to have a big family with lots of things going on all the time.

I do wish things had been different of course, I wish my daughter had been able to raise her children herself and not been addicted to drugs. The kids that were effected in the womb might have had less behavior issues and problems.

I think that you are not quite ready for the finality of his decision. Birth control is an option that is temporary. Getting clipped is somewhat final.

My third is only 19 weeks, but this baby is a true joy! She is super easy, and we all adore her. I feel a completeness I didn't feel before. I felt confusion before, but now? I feel content.

As to all the negatives, travel, etc. it's all manageable. My in-laws are in Ireland, and I really don't think another body is going to make things much harder. We won't go again for another year, at which point my second oldest can use a booster....so we can do a car seat and two boosters. We always use the car seat as the stroller --with an attachment, and then just check the booster as a kid luggage.

That is a long way to say that most problems are manageable.

I also don't think there will be an odd man out. I hear this said all the time, but my kids play in groups of three all the time ---I have a few friend with onlys.

Listen to your heart, it will tell you what to do.

Edited to add: did I mention that I'm 41! You are soooooo young.

I have three kiddos...the last two came into the world together 8 years ago. That being said, if it had been a singleton pregnancy I am pretty sure we would have been done. But could I imagine my life without all three of my kids? Heck no! I don't think 3 has been that tough. It's just "our life" so I've never really looked at it like "man, this is so much harder than just two!" I'm pretty sure if you did have another, you wouldn't look back ten years later and think, "you were more trouble than I expected" LOL...on the contrary, you could look back 10 years later and think, "I could have done it, wonder what things would look like now with that extra person at our dinner table?" I wouldn't do anything too permanent just yet :-)

As someone who had 3 kids, I can tell you that two is the perfect number. I think 3 can possibly be more awkward than 4. Odd numbers are hard, because someone ends up being the third wheel.

If you want to keep things really nice, keep it at two. Your husband is correct on many levels.

Yes, three is exponentially harder than 2. And I still feel that way about babies, even though I'm long past child-bearing.

That's what grandkids are for. ;)

I honestly don't what you should do, but I will suggest what your shouldn't. Absolutely do NOT take permanent measures, while you are struggling to decide in your heart and head.

I am 30, and we decided after my son was born we are DONE. I feel no longing, no struggle, nothing. I cam ready to give a baby back when I hold them, and thinking of having another kid makes me panic!! We are happy with our decision 3 years later and so at peace. We did take permanent measures and are relieved. I ONLY think people should do that, when they are confident they are done, or it would be dangerous health wise to have another.

You are only 31. Give yourself a couple of years and revisit the idea. Time often brings clarity. There is no need to make a decision right now.

Oh sweetheart, you have time. 31 is still very young!

For us, 1 to 2 was much harder than 2 to 3 was. I take my 3 boys everywhere, almost always alone, because my husband's job doesn't allow him to join us for 99% of the things we do. Yes, it can be quite chaotic, but it is also very happy. I love seeing my boys growing up together, and we'll be adding a 4th to the mix in September. I am also 31, but I don't seem to feel my clock ticking. I am the 3rd of 5 kids in my family, and my mom had me when she was 31. Plenty of time left to make a decision.

Our family size is open ended. We are ultimately leaving it up to God, but after #4 we will not be trying to conceive again any time soon. I plan to lose a lot of weight, and to get our house in order to sell/move. Hopefully we'll be able to have a 5th in another 3-4 years, but if it doesn't happen, I do already feel like we have a complete family.

Every family is different because we all have different capabilities, tolerances, support structures, etc. Although I am not typically a person to speak in relative terms, when it comes to the size of a family, it really is relative. What works for my family wouldn't work for my sister's, or my neighbor's, or my best friend's.

ETA: In my family of 5, there were no odd men out. I certainly never felt that way, even as a middle child. With my 3 boys, there's no odd man out, especially since it usually is just me + 3 when we go places, so we have our even # there. When my husband is with us it is even better, even though we then have an odd #.

I only have 2 children. I would've loved to have three at one time but once my second was a year old I realized that I'm beyond blessed to have my two. I cannot lie that sometimes I do miss the baby stage but in my case my second is a special needs child so I could not see having three being doable.

I believe that two is a great number because as the other poster said managing life with three often leaves an odd one out. However, if you truly feel in your heart you're not finished don't rush into making a decision. In life there are no definitive answers or experiences. Do what you feel is best for your family and no matter what number of children you decide on know it's what is meant to be.

I have never liked the idea of doing anything permenant as birth control. Most doctors and other people will tell you it's perfectly safe and causes no problems. But I have seen studies about side effects no one taks about or maybe even connect to a tubal or vasectomy. But the studies I have seen point to depression, sexual dysfunction, and other psychologal issues. I have also seen some relationship to physical complications such as heart disease. So until all the reasearch is out I would never want a tubal or vasectomy.
That being said:

I always wanted a large family 6 or more kids and I wanted them to be 2-3 yrs apart. I felt if they were fairly close together in age they would be able to share their childhoods and be friends into adulthood. I have 4 kids the first 2 two years, three months apart -- then a 10 yr span then a 4 yr span. Now they are all adults and get along but they can't share stories about dealing with the same teachers or peer groups as children.

My Mom always said you are busy 24 hrs a day with one child how can you be any busier with 2 or 3? She was correct. You just are crazy busy when you raise children. If you had a 3rd child now your oldest could be Mommy's helper and to a lesser degree your younger one. They can help by running to get something, like a diaper when you need it quick. They can also keep the baby entertained while you do one on one things for each. If you make it a game and praise them they will be willing to help. You can read to the older ones while you are feeding the newborn, they turn pages. The difficult baby stage only lasts a few months once they all get out of the diaper stage it's not much different than having 2.

We have 4.... I had my last one at 34, so you aren't old at all!

I can't imagine my life without one of them....... (they now range in age from 21-30, so this was a while ago).

Was it hard? Sometimes... the first 3 were born within 4 years.. August '82, April '84, August '86, and at that point, I wanted to hold off, but wasn't sure that I wanted to do anything permanent.... 4 years later, we decided to go for #4.... he was born November '91. Again, I didn't want to do anything permanent.... however, when he was about 4 or 5, I realized I was sweating it out one month when my period was late, and realized I didn't want to have any more children, so I did have my tube tied at that point. (Hubby offered to do it, but he chickened out.)

I can't answer this question for you. this is something you and your husband need to decide...

I have 3 kids. My oldest will be 27 this August. My boys are 13 and 11. Yep, first marriage, second marriage.

My husband and I wanted 4. God blessed us with 2. We have 3 in Heaven being cared for by my husband's parents and my Grandparents....

You are 31. I had my oldest son at 34 and my youngest at 36. No regrets. We frequently have their friends at our home...just yesterday I had 5 boys under the age of 14 in my home...it was WONDERFUL!!!

You need to know if your home is big enough as well as your car...can you afford more? Taking one more around? Not a big deal really. Your kids are spread apart great, in my opinion...

Do **I** think 3 is harder than 2? Nope. I would do it all again...

Good luck!

You are definitely not ready to do anything permanent.

I can't fathom my life without the third, fourth, fifth, or sixth. Having my third child was easy! I am pretty sure we are done having kids. I am menopausal.

We have 5 and yes 3 is very tough. I am not lying but I think you need to do what's best for you. All ours are little though and yours will have more spacing.

I don't think you have to decide now. You are only 31! I had my first child at 32 and my last at 38. Wait a couple years and see how your feelings change. I think for many women they get this feeling to have more babies...it seems to be this hormonal, emotional thing. But I don't think that means we are meant to have more babies in life. I waited and for me that feeling just went away. This is a decision you and your husband have to make alone, but I am kind of in agreement with your husband. I think it's very important to feel like you can still afford to travel, feel like you can provide quality time to your kids, not be stretched too thin, and be able to pay for all those college educations! (or help anyway) But as I write that I think, this is just so personal...you have to do what is right for you. If you are not sure just wait a couple years to see how you feel.

I'll be interested to see your answers as I struggled with the same thing.

I think at 2 we are done. We have 2 healthy children and I don't want to "push my luck". My other reasons is that yes, I want to enjoy future vacations and "quality of life". I think about college tuition. I see moms with older children running running running to after school activities and I think that drive me crazy with 3--I don't want to depend on neighbors to get my children to activities. Plus id prefer for the child to always have a parent there "in the stands" and if all 3 are in a sport, one child will Miss out. 3 has got to be more expensive than 2, overall. I want to ensure I know my children's friends, and the parents, and with each additional child, that's another group to ensure you truly know, so you know who your child is hanging out with...

While I always have wanted to have a fourth child, my husband is satisfied with three. So there's a struggle for me, but that's MY issue, and not his. He's worked it all out already. I know all of the logical reasons not to have any more children, so for me it's definitely emotional. I definitely feel a missing member of the family. That's for me to deal with. I completely respect the fact that he doesn't want more children. I would rather "miss" a non-existent child than have my husband resent me for forcing him to have a child he didn't want.

And not for nothing, but if your husband went for a vasectomy consult (research) and scheduled the surgery that's a pretty huge message to you, don't you think?

I 100% agree with your sister. You just know when you're done. When in doubt , you're probably not finished or ateast not for permanent measures.

If your husband is expecting to have a vasectomy, why do you think he'd change his mind if you wanted a baby 100%? (I'm a little confused...) It seems to me that he wouldn't be planning this, considering you are still trying to decide. Perhaps some counseling could help you two suss this out. It seems to me that he doesn't want to have a third child and by getting the snip-snip, is making the decision for you.

My husband and I stopped at two. I just "knew" I'd never have my girl (maybe she'll be my granddaughter?). I didn't want to chance 3 boys having another one at 40. My husband and I used to joke that 2 kids was the easier one-on-one defense, but 3 kids would require zone defense.

Regardless of how good a team you are, you really need to be at peace with this, both of you. Try counseling to help you two come to the same page.

I would definitely ask hubby to postpone any surgery. It's very expensive to reverse a vasectomy, and it doesn't sound like you are certain about anything right now.
Could you possibly adopt a "if it happens it happens" attitude for the next couple of years? If in the meantime you change your mind, you can then take action.... :) (No pun intended.)

Well I am 30 and have a 6 yr old and a 3 yr old and it is not easy.Me being pregnant with my 3rd i know its gonna be a lot tougher.Like Your husband said and Just keeping track of each one on a daily bases.And each kid will want attention and you will get stressed out! My girls are Hard but not difficult.If your husband is willing to help around with the other 2 children after work or something.You know when you are done.You just know it.For me,I badly want 4 kids.So does my husband.If you are done with the 2,then dont have anymore.If you want a third kid,talk to your hubby and work it out.I love kids so much!!I am not gonna have no more then 5 or 6 though haha.
Wish you luck:)

After my third boy (fourth if you count my stepson), I felt "done". For about 6 months! I had a very emotionally taxing pregnancy with him, and I think that had a lot to do with my feelings of being finished. My husband talked about getting a vasectomy and I actually got rid of all our baby stuff. But, he didn't get the vasectomy and we didn't really use any reliable form of birth control...so, I was bound to get pregnant again. And I did- 3.5 years later. Now, a year after having my daughter, we are completely, totally 100% finished- without a doubt. I can't really explain how I knew, but when I was pregnant with her, I knew she would be the last one (I had my tubes tied when she was 7 weeks old- which I DO NOT regret at all). She was like the piece to the puzzle that we didn't know was missing.
I was somewhat worried about the logistics of having 4/5 kids....we had to buy a bigger car, adjust sleeping arrangements, etc. However, you just adjust your life to make it work. My husband works a ton, so most of the child rearing is up to me. Believe it or not, I frequently take all five of my kids out alone- grocery store, shopping for clothes, post office- you name it. It's not necessarily easy, but its definitely manageable. We also go on vacations (we just don't fly- waay too expensive!).
Only you can decide if you want another child. Personally, I can not imagine having only two children. I absolutely LOVE having a large family. I only had one sister, and I much prefer our big family over the small family that I grew up in- but that is just my opinion. Good luck with your decision!
ETA- I don't know that it matters, but I was also 31 when my daughter was born :)