How Do You Know If Your Done?

Like you, I wanted to have 3. However, my husband only wanted 2. After two pregnancies that were quite hard on my body, he did not want me to take that risk. After some consideration, I realized he was right.

At this point, as busy as we are with 2, I am very happy that we are a family of 4. We can split up equally when needed, yet neither of us is overwhelmed when all the responsibility falls to one. Thankfully, I have a very smart hubby!!

I have no doubt in my mind that I'm done!! We have a 3-1/2 year old son and 2 year old daughter. We are done!
I don't know how you know, you just know!!! Only you will know when you're done.
Good luck!

That is a big question and I can imagine your angst.
I think you really can't know unless you stop ovulating (in 20 yrs!) or put your man get a vasectomy. My mom thought she was done after number 7 and I was really convince that number 8 was the last when I was 17 that I couldn't see my mom as pregnant some years later. She had 10 in all.

But, about you. One, if you felt you would have 3, that still may be true but it may not take the form of a biological child. You could end up mentoring a young person in need of your skills and insight. You could be a 50 yr old lady and have one of your children's grown friends or boy/girlfriend adopt you. It may remain unknown for awhile. I bet some of your concern comes from the pressure you're feeling to offload the baby stuff. It is a letting go and maybe a birth counselor or intuitive could offer you insight. You can give yourself and your belonging s a blessing to trust yourself and you choices NOW and bless the perfection in what you have with your 2 wonderful children. I would let yourself have time. If you need to take time to part from your old belongings, take time, ask your husband to make an agreement that nurtures both of your needs. You can enjoy a little cash from the sale of things or give away to friends who are starting their families.
When I got preg w/ my first I told my husband I wanted to have a 2nd 2 1/2 yrs after the first and a third about 2-3 yrs after that. Was I crazy? (Yes- I had pregnancy insanity of course.)
When it would've been time to conceive there was no way I was ready!!! I felt so overwhelmed but the pressure I felt was made up- by me! When I just for a moment tried on a different hat and looked at the picture of just waiting till I felt ready, all anxiety left my body- like a river being undamned! I felt flood gates open w/in my heart and suddenly I could breathe. The body experience was so clear so definite I will not forget it. The body does know so pay attention to how you breathe when you're contemplating what you will create and note any dreams. Ultimately, it is your choice and your husbands concerns should be carefully regarded and weighed.
If you feel you have an "agreement" w/ a baby being, know that you can change that any time and you can always send that little spirit out to do little tasks of manifesting for you. I fyou feel there is no agreement, really, DO NOT make one! Keep 'em outta your space or you won't have the luxury of choice.
That's my slightly more esoteric take on the matter. Hope it's helpful. Just enjoy the children you do have and feel the perfection of now. You know how good it is! and you'll know what's right- give it time.

You are probably feeling burned out with 2 toddlers. I felt "done" after no. 2 (I was 39) and my husband had a vasectomy but when my daughter's were more independent - when the youngest was 5 or 6, I could definitely imagine having another baby. I was ready to begin again. However, I was 44 and the complications really go up by that age and, of course, my husband had had a vasectomy. If I were you I'd wait before I made anything permanent until you're out of the exhausting toddler years. You're so young; don't limit your options.

Take your time. There's no rush to sell ANYTHING. Leave the cribs, the toys, everything there, in the garage or the attic, wherever it is, acknowlege their presence every now and then when you see them..and then see how it goes. I made the mistake of selling everything after my first daughter (a relationship breakup meant I really felt I would be on my own for evermore..). We had to buy it all again once I met my husband, father of my second daughter.

I KNOW I am done, after two beautiful girls, 8 years apart. I'm now nearly 37 and feel far too old to have another 7 or 8 year gap between my second and third child. Not only that, it's a feeling that you know you would view a postive pregnancy test with a feeling of dread, and not elation. You would feel it would be taking something away from your current family, as apposed to bringing joy...

You still have a very young family, and you are actually quite young still (compared to me, anyway!). I was 30 when I had my second daughter, and I definitely felt done - but not until 3 or 4 years later.

It's a very empowering feeling, a liberating feeling. You'll know it when it comes. Of course, you still love to hold newborn babies in your arms, and you might feel a bit of a 'tug', but knowing you are finished is the EXACT opposite feeling you have when you are yearning to have a baby. I haven't described it too well, sorry!!

sounds like you want another baby if you do not want to sell the baby stuff, and your age is the one thing making you question it, but being 31 should not stop you from trying, but your husband should have a say in this too, you should wait and back off for a while and think about it in like 6 months- listen to your heart, and the universe will give you what you need

If you are questioning it, then maybe you are not ready to be done, whether you don't have another or you do. I say hold on to the big stuff, because I know that if you get rid of the crib, you have to then buy another for one more baby. Anyway, just get rid of the some of the small stuff, really after two kids you realize that you don't really need a lot, especially since they grow so fast.

I have three kids and my husband wants another. I tell him that I am done. Right now I am in school and I want to finsih school. If I wasn't in school, would I have one more? Maybe. The 3 we have are all in sports and I really don't want to lug a diaper bag to the many games that we attend. So hold off on selling the big things. I did give some stuff away, and I'm also still holding on to other things. When I think about it, I will be about 39 when I am done with school, so I think I may be done.

Good luck with what you decide and God bless your family.

I don't know how to tell if you are done, but you are so young, please don't let age be a factor. I had my children at 36 and 38 and will be turning 40 in a couple of months. You have years to determine if you are done or not. Stuff can be saved/stored. In my case we'd like to have a third, but we simply can't afford it - it's hard financially now but it would be a terrible struggle and very unfair to all the children to have another one. It bums us out because I don't want to have kids after age 41-42 - the risk it too high. But our financial situation will not be significantly better by then. Although it's hard, it's the right thing for us to do. Take care of the children we have properly and put our own wants aside - after all that's what caring for kids is all about anyway. Good luck to you in your decision. I would suggest and IUD for long term but not permanent birth control while you figure out what you want.

HI S.,
I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have pondered the same questions.

I don't know if this will help you, but we really weighed it out for ourselves and our individual situation. In a perfect world we would like more children, but financially it's difficult for us. I don't believe that money is the most important thing, but growing up in a family of 6 I do feel that it can put a strain on a household. For us having a third child would mean 3 kids in one bedroom, or a bigger house, a different car and cutting back in others ways that we weren't sure we wanted to. We are not a family that lives above our means or gives our children everything they want. We feel extremely grateful to have two perfect beautiful children, and that we have the time , energy, attention etc... to give them both.

Good luck with your decision... at 31 you still have some time to decide and I would allow yourself more time to ponder it for what's best for your family's needs.

I don't think you ever just know the answer to that. You are still so young. Why don't you just get on birth control until you figure out what is best for you and your family. I am pregnant with my second child and am pretty sure I am done. I am 33 and love the thought of having two kids in the house. One for me and one for my hubby. 3 seems to be the going number right now for kids, but I am ok with just having 2. I want to move on to the next part of my life and raise them and enjoy life with out the worries of getting pregnant. You will do what is best for you and maybe it will take some time to figure that out, but that is fine. Your decision doesn't have to be finalized today. Be thankful for the family you have! Good luck!

I am the mother of two (ages 4 and 8 months). Both pregnancies were very much planned and anticipated with excitement. As I was pregnant with #2 my husband and I figured that this would be it for us. We are very content with our life with our two princesses.
For me, I know (right now) because it just feels right. It feels great and balanced. The other way I know, was because I had a pregnancy scare as I worked on birth control and nursing. I was devastated at the thought of being pregnant. I was so upset to think I might be having another. Sure I went through all the thoughts of, of course i'll love this baby, and every baby is a blessing...but when it came down to it, i didn't want another baby! How would you feel if you found out if you were pregnant right now? Just pretend for a day and think about it.
I am 99.9% sure I'm done. But I'm also only 30. So I decided to go the route of an IUD rather than something more permanent. I didn't want 35 yr old me to regret decisions 30 yr old me made.
So I guess what I'm saying is, if your happy with your life right now, just enjoy it! Sell the baby stuff. If you change your mind; it's just stuff, and all very replaceable.
As I read the other response I thought,I am always so amazed with the candid and heartfelt expressions of the mom's on here. I hope some of our thoughts help. Please come back and tell us about your thoughts!

My kids are now 8.5 and almost 5. After the first was born, my husband and I swore we were done and I stuck to that story for almost 3 years. My husband kept pressuring me to give the baby stuff away for the first 3 years, but I wouldn't even though I kept saying I was done. Anyways, we decided to have a second and we are very happy about that. Funny thing, once our second was born, I couldn't wait to give the baby stuf away...that's how I knew I was really done!

My husband always wanted 1 child. I wanted three. Before we married we agreed on two. When our daughter was 3 years old we decided that sleeping through the night finally, being almost done nursing, being out of diapers, and starting to read was a wonderful place to be with kids! We could travel with just the three of us since most planes have banks of three seats. It was oh-so-quaint. We were a happy little family. So I listed the crib, the glider, the whole lot on Craigslist and bid it all goodbye. We used the proceeds to take our new big girl to Disneyland.

The trip killed me! Families with more than one child were so cute. Giggles abound! I saw wee-little babies. I saw nursing newborns. I saw little infant sized Mickey ears. When we got home I decided we should have another one and convinced my husband it was definitely what I wanted. The next day I realized that I had lost my mind and really just wanted one child.

It only takes one time! So now we're a family of four. Our youngest just turned two. She's fighting potty training, she's still nursing 8-10 times a day, she's a stubborn little chatter box. We still have a crib, a nursing chair, and diapers. We organize our days around a nap. It's not being free for me. I get resentful sometimes because I want to plane outings and play dates for my oldest, but can't because we have to put a nap in the middle of our day. I also can't help out in the classroom at school because the little one is my constant companion.

All that being said---I see newborns, hear about my friend's home birth, spy a little blue and black cardigan sweater at The Gap for a wee little baby boy and my heart just melts. I want to say I'm done. My husband is definitely done. In my brain I know I should be done. In three years I can be the fantastic room mom who goes on class trips, hosts the play dates, leads the Girl Scout and Daisy Troops... and a baby or toddler doesn't fit into that.

I feel like if my husband just got the snip then I'd stop with the hemming and hawing (and I have a Mirena IUD, so it's not going to just happen). On the flip side, losing that ability to decide later to have another baby is a little rough on me as a woman.

Wow, I bet this wasn't very helpful! Just commiserating!

My suggestion, don't do anything drastic like Tubal Ligation or Vasectomy. Just get on some good BC and go ahead and sell off the baby stuff that doesn't have sentimental value. Once it is all gone and the stuff you want to keep (for grandkids, etc) is packed away out of sight, you will feel better and will be able to get on with your life. When/if you get the baby bug again, you can always buy more stuff. Believe me, there will be better stuff out there then that you have now. I thought I was done when I was 25 with two kids and had my tubes tied. Now, I am 39 and looking to get them "untied" and have another one so believe me, when/if you want another one, you will know and then you can make the decision then.

T.

I had to respond to your question because it is an important one. I too imagined having 3 kids but sooooo glad that I stopped at 2. I'm watching my friends with 3 and they are struggling financially, there is strain on their marriage and they look physically exhausted. Meanwhile, I am really enjoying this time with my two kids and they get plenty of one-on-one attention. Here's a few things to keep in mind. Once the kids get into sports, you'll have 2-3 practices per week plus games on Saturdays. Two parents can split those duties. With 3 kids...it becomes an all day affair on the soccer field. Travel...much more difficult and expensive for families of 5 versus 4. Babysitters are more expensive and harder to trust with 3 kids. God gave you two hands to hold onto two kids...add one more and going out to the grocery store becomes a nightmare. Storytime, homework, and extracurricular activity practice (instrument, karate, etc) are time consuming for you because the kids need your help. Add to that more laundry, field trips, classroom volunteer time, science fair projects, talent shows, recitals, sibling fights to break up, noise level, more mess to clean up, college tuition...private school education if needed, possibility of having a child with disabilities, bigger car, bigger house, more toys to buy at Christmas. Double your work and emotional load. Ok, if you are ok with all of that...than I'd say...go for one more. But don't expect your husband to be right there to help you when you're physically and emotionally spent...he will not have sympathy when he really didn't want the 3rd child. My husband wanted 3 kids but is so glad now that we have two because we have a much easier time traveling, grandparents don't mind two kids but they have said that if we'd had three kids, they wouldn't take them for the weekend as it would be too much for them to handle. Good luck with your decision.

I alwsys wanted to have 3 kids and my husband wants one. i like the big groups and the way you can be a big family when grown up. my husband likes one and feels we can put all our effort on one and make him successful. we decided two. another thing that i thought when deciding for 3 was the college expenses. i know its mean, but i do want my kids to have an option to go to a private university and i think we can afford it for 2.

We had one, 7 years later our 2nd came along. Within 4 years 3 more children joined us (one set of twins). It was still a hard decision as I wanted to be done after 3. I'm glad I did not do anything permanent, because these lovely twins joined our group. I did have at tubal, but was 38 at the time and the twins nearly did me in. I actually regretted the tubal for a while, but knew when I made that decision there was no going back, only adoption. I finally made my peace with myself and am glad I did. So 5 is our magic number. I am thankful I did not have the tubal after #3! When working in OB for years, I told ladies to wait until they were 35 to do anything permanent. I saw too many woman who thought at 29 they were definitely done and at 34 wanting a tubal reversal. As far as selling the baby stuff. Keep your sentimental things, but baby stuff is just stuff. Also have an honest discussion with your husband that you really aren't ready to make the "I'm done" decision and ask him for time to keep the option open.

Take care & you don't have to make the decision today. You have plenty of time.

D.

you're 30?!? what are the chances you're not going to get pregnant in the next ten years? pretty low, unless you are on the pill which is not the healthiest option. why not just sell off the baby stuff and leave the rest to fate? if it's meant to be, it will be. you're really young...don't get "fixed!"
just my humble opinion. good luck!

If you sell the baby stuff you can always get more. You don't know if you are done til you are done. There are sooo many people that are getting invitro or tubal reversal because they thought they were done. But if you are just talking about selling baby stuff.....

You have at least 10 years to determine if your family is done.

I agree with the previous poster as well, only you and your usband can decide what is right but I can say if you can not say to yourself that you are done I would not shutdown any of your options. I have 3 kids, 9, 5 and a 5 month old...i was always on the fence after the second because , as you put it, I did not have "pregnancy closure" after the second and last summer my husband and I discussed it and decided the time was right and we did want a third. We had our daughter on June 14 but I do feel "done" as of now. So much so that my husband is scheduled for a vasectomy on Dec 1..part of our decision did have to do with age too. I just turned 36 and did not want to be much older than that if we were going to have a 3rd. Good luck, hope your decision becomes clear to you :)

S.
PS we had a boy and a girl before we got pregnant with our third and a lot of people kept saying why push it, you have one of each!!
[which I hated :) ]

LOL! Um, well...I had kids at 20, 22 and 37! If you had asked me at 31 if I were going to have any more children I would have told you that you were crazy. =) All I can say is, that at 44 I have a lot less energy to deal with a 7 year old than I did at 29...and I don't put up with a lot of nonsense. When my friends are done with their kids being at home and wanting to do wine tastings and quiet weekends alone, my husband and I are headed to Half Moon Bay pumpkin hunting and getting Halloween costumes.
No one can make that decision but you...and your husband.