Recommendations for a Book Explaining S*x and Emphazing After Marriage

I, too, dreaded the s*x conversation with my son.

This is something that I thought most parents agreed on (the dread).

(I do not know if typing the word out will get it pulled--I am erring on the side that it might).

Why she is getting flack from some of you? Dang y'all--ease up!

Don't think that exists and if it does I doubt it is written in a way any kid would want to read.

My older daughter was a youth retreat leader as a teen. She was actually the leader who gave the chastity lecture. I can assure you once she was in a committed relationship in college she was no longer a virgin.

It is a personal decision and mom pushing virginity tends to have the opposite effect. I suggest you keep it out of your discussions.

LoveBeingMommy, projection?

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I just want to add because perhaps my message was not clear, pushing god as the reason to abstain doesn't work. Higher powers are a in the future concept, these are teens, they currently see themselves as immortal. If you want your child to abstain you must appeal to their intellect. Give them real reasons to abstain. You will not find that in a Christian book.

Gees... I saw no haters in the responses I read. I saw no slamming of God in any response. Wow " lovebeingmommy".. Really??????

Can you say SEX without s.x? If you are prudish about this topic, you will further promote prudeness. NOT FAIR to your children.

I think normal communication is key vs any books or forbidding anything.

If you don't have the balls to talk to your kids regularly then maybe
you need a special book. Bottom line is that you as a parent set examples for your children from day one in how you act and interact with your family.

If you don't feel ok speaking casually with your children about ALL subjects, then go on a drive or a walk so you don't look at them while you are talking.

Otherwise, keep in mind that your children will make their own decisions and if you forbid anything... You are making whatever you forbid the go to candy for your child.

Enlist basic communication with your children with no demands or "rules" and you'll get a lot further with your relationship with your children.

At 8 my mother asked me about the other kids in my class. She asked me if there were any kids that talked about being boy friends and girls friends.. She talked about how they were still young and asked me, do you think they will get married. I told her no! They are just kids..

Never underestimate children, they are aware, but not stupid. So then she talked about how girls bodies grow and change and told me not to be embarrassed if I have questions about things changing on my body.. Then asked, have any of the other girls been talking about their bodies and any changes?

It was just like a conversation. Not a book. She was just talking. .Another time she talked more specifically about the changes I might notice, body hair. Discharge from my body, maybe body odors.

Later she talked about getting some under shirts or bras, since I was telling her my shirts were rubbing my breasts.. so she talked to me about why women have breast. They are so when we grow up and get married, when we have babies, this is how we feed them.

Then at school they started talking to us also about our bodies and changes. so again we went though all of this and she answered more questions and went a little further with her information about how to take care of my body and how to let her know if people made me feel uncomfortable.

These conversations took place a few times a year based on what was happening with me and school and what she felt was about to come up in my life.

There are a ton of books. The librarian at the school, the public library and I am going to guess your church library all have books to guide you through these conversations.

Your converssations about how you and dad met, grandmother and grandfather met.. all of those stories will bein the conversation about your values as a family.

Beware. doo NOT hide the truth about family. If someone is divorced, was preganat as a teenager.. etc.. Be honest. Explain whatthey went through and how they tried to follow a path but made some choices that changed their lives, but they are still good people.

My mother and father were always truthful with us, age appropriately, but they admitted their mistakes and told me, they hoped, I would make better choices. Because they loved me and wanted me to be a better person and have an even happier life than they and my other family members had.

There were very few secrets in my family..

On the other hand my husbands family try to hide so much, that now we do not believe half of what they tell us.. and even worse, question what they have told us in the past.. It is ridiculous.

We're not religious, so I have no books to recommend.
I had an uncle who was the self proclaimed black sheep of the family.
He totally screwed up his life.
Even after he's been dead a few years - his 7 kids were contacted by someone who was given up for adoption as an infant - yep he was my uncles unknown first born - so my uncle is still dishing up surprises from the grave.

I tell our son:

No matter what you can think of - it's all been done before - there is nothing new under the sun.
You didn't invent sex no matter how much you like to think you did (every generation thinks this way) - and you can SEE people who've messed up big time.
If you have the ability to learn from other peoples mistakes and then don't do what they have done - you'll go a LONG way to avoiding becoming a topic for a Jerry Springer show.
Being married in a loving stable relationship is the best way I know of to raise a family and take care of your loved ones and children.
There are a bazillion other ways to do things but it's the one way that tends to work out better than all the others.

So far (he's 15 almost 16), he seems to be listening to me.

Amazon has everything you need, but you actually have to type out the word SEX. S*x isn't a word, and if you can't say it, how are you going to teach her to have a healthy attitude about it?

And lovebeingmommy, how about you wait until someone actually does something wrong before you admonish everyone? Yes, you love being M. to everyone, don't you... The only one who has been a flat out in your face snarky hater here is you. If we are all so awful, why do you come back?

What if she doesn't want to get married? You think people who don't get married are asexual?

All I'm saying is you need a back up plan.

You need to create an environment for her wherein she trusts you, where she'll come to you, where discussing the subject is not awkward.

A child's eventual sexuality is an aspect of their lives that needs tending to, like academics, medical health, social skills etc.

You hand her a book, you're telling her, "here, read this, I'm checking out". "Oh, and by the way, you're forbidden to have sex until you are married, you can read why in that book".

You will also be missing out on a profoundly affecting bonding opportunity with your daughter. Such a bond will enrich your life and your relationship with her forever. As well as a personal growth opportunity, through her you will be required to examine your own philosophy on the subject, and we can all improve, you know?

All I'm saying is behaving like her sexuality does not exist (until she is married) will not prevent her from acting on it. Embracing it, working with who she is, not who you want her to be is a much more effective means of raising a self respecting girl who knows her own mind, who's in charge of her own body.

Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't really answer your question. But I hope I helped in a different way.

:)

I read over all the responses and did not find any hate-filled ones. I saw different opinions but nothing that seemed snarky. I am a Christian mom who is also concerned with how to help my kids navigate the sexual aspects of life. First, I view it as a lifelong dialogue and approach these conversations with the idea this is what I believe and ultimately it is up to them to decide their own beliefs/value systems. Secondly, I try and just get them talking and I do a lot of listening. Thirdly, I expose them to other people who share my belief system (attending church). Lastly, I try and give them basic facts and information so they can make informed decisions. I think part of why your questioned fired up some of the moms is because it is a loaded topic. Many of us moms struggle with how to help our kids make good decisions regarding sex. Blessings to you and your kids as you walk along side them through this part of development.

Why is it so hard to just answer her question? Some people need illustrations to explain things. I know I do. I had a candid talk with my daughter, but I also used a book as a guideline because I'm not exactly an artist. NOT a big deal! Why is everyone assuming she is going to hand her the book & walk away. Her religious beliefs are none of your business! She asked a question, if you have a book give her the name! Dont put her down because you don't have the same beliefs. We all have the right to raise our kids the way we want. If everyone was the same this would be a really boring world.

M. H. I suggest going on a Christian bookstore website & looking at the reviews.

There is a wonderful series of books called Before I was Born (God' design for sex). I read them to my daughter starting in about 3rd grade. There are 2 or 3 books in the series and they are each for different ages/stages. They are perfect for what you are looking for.

http://www.amazon.com/Before-Was-Born-Gods-Design/dp/1600...

Yeah, don't go the book route, or put the fear of "God is watching" approach. You can discuss pros cons of waiting, etc. however I would always keep a line of communication for her. Especially as she ages.

My mother's approach was to take me to a church sex camp in 6 th grade. I really didn't learn anything except that sex is a son until your married. Sexual yearning a are sinful, and must be prayed upon -yeah that doesn't work. I grew up thinking I was sinful because I had sexual thoughts about boys. It took me years to get over it. YEARS! So not the way to go.

Be there and give them a safe place to talk and express. Don't over do it. Exploration is natural, and important to a young girl. Make sure to allow her space, and be there to offer advice.

My son is 10, and we are well aware of his ability to comprehend and understand. As he ages , the talks will be more descriptive and informative.

M.,

The best tool and example is YOU. Be the role model you want your child to be.

Sex is NOT a dirty word. Sex is NOT naughty. There is NO reason to "*" sex. It's a OKAY. You need to be open about sex. How you expect your daughter or son to behave.

The Bible is a good place to start. If you aren't comfortable using the Bible because it also talks of women being submissive to men, then I would suggest this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Pure-Kids-Impure-World/dp/0...

I cannot stress enough that you TALK WITH YOUR child about sex. It's NOT dirty. It's NOT naughty. I think you would much rather have your child come to you with questions instead of their friends who have little to no experience and spread lies and myths like wild fire...

I would NOT leave this "talk" up to a book either. It's NOT just ONE conversation to have and it's done.

Good luck!!

I think many of us are concerned about kids being taught abstinence only because it has been proven time and time again that having only that conversation with your children, teaching only that perspective, doesn't prevent teen pregnancy or STD transmission. In fact, those are the kids that are most likely to sneak around to have sex, and therefore the least likely to take precautions against pregnancy and disease.

At 8 years old, they want to know about the mechanics of sex, how sex makes a baby. I like Nervy Girl's advice on how to do that. As our kids get older, it is important to make sure their sex ed is comprehensive, not limited to "just don't don't do it". But to teach your children that, in your religion, it is expected that men and women wait until marriage (not "after marriage", you want them to have sex DURING marriage! lol), is wholly appropriate if that is what you believe. Is it a realistic expectation? In most cases, no. But I did know plenty of women who did wait (I grew up Catholic and went to Catholic schools through college), but it didn't make them better spouses and it never guaranteed the marriage lasted or was a good match.

This is a conversation you will be having for a long time, so prepare yourself! Even those of us who don't teach that sex is only appropriate within marriage sometimes have a hard time discussing it, and need books to help us communicated with our kids about sex. The key is to keep the lines of communication open and hope that they trust you enough to come to you when they need advice. Good luck.

(btw, I'm a Pantheist Unitarian Universalist, if that matters.)

Um, the Bible?
Of course, also be prepared to discuss that women by God's will are the property of men, and basically only have whatever rights their fathers, brothers and husband decide they should have.

Any technical book would work for the actual logistics of sex. My family was very Christian. My mom was a nurse. She used anatomy books to describe the act of sex, and then the morality of waiting until marriage was a separate topic that was taught throughout my childhood and teen years at home and in church.

I got married at age 35, so I obviously did not wait for marriage, but because of my moral upbringing I did wait longer than most. No harm in teaching those morals if it decreases risk of pregnancy and STDs. As long as you remain realistic and don't shame her into being scared to be honest about things..which I'm sure you wouldn't.

I will say that because I knew my parent's staunch position on the topic, I never talked to them about boys and such. I felt like the whole "romance" thing was taboo. So if you want to be close and open with her, let her know that not everyone does wait until marriage and it doesn't make them a hell-bound bad person. It's just best on many levels including physical safety to be morally responsible.

The best "books" on the subject are the ones that come from your mouth and your life.

Have you thought about the possibility that your child might never wish to marry? Do you really plan to tell him/her that they should never have sex if they never marry?

no, because i think parents should actually discuss anything this important with their kids, not rely on shoving a book at them.
abstinence-only has been a massive failure. i suggest examining your own attitude about sex (it has a vowel in the middle, and is a perfectly nice word) and then discussing your mores and values with your kids while being honest and realistic with them.
books are great, but parents are the first line.
khairete
S.

Why are you relying on a book to tell your daughter about sex??? This is something that needs to come from YOU. Not teachers, not friends, but YOU.

Sex is not dirty. I have four boys. We've been having this conversation for years. Leading by example. Not expecting society to teach our children right from wrong or what we would do morally. That comes from US.

Tyler and I have told our boys that sex is something that is shared by two people who are committed to each other and love each other. Sex has ramifications as well...pregnancy, STDs, death (AIDS/HIV can be a death sentence - not always but can be).

We have told our boys it would be great to wait until marriage. We have also told them that just because their friends are doing it, doesn't make it right and really doesn't mean they are. If they have questions, they come to us.

Please, do not expect a book to teach what you should be teaching your child.

Do not expect abstinence. Do not preach abstinence. It will back-fire on you. How? because you will have made it taboo and once something is taboo? Kids wants it more and will seek it out and experience what you have said is the big bad no-no.

If your child is asking questions. Answer them.

Wow! Some responses....

FYI...she may have put s*x, so the post didn't get pulled.

I would definitely start at a Christian book store. And, unlike most people, I don't assume you're going to lock her in her room with this great book of knowledge and run away...some people assume way too much! I think it's a great tool and starting point.

And, I don't think it's wrong to encourage sex after marriage. We've gone to two weddings recently where they waited until marriage. I thought it was WONDERFUL! I know there's no way to know for sure, but these two couples seem like they're going to make it (not divorce).

My mom stressed sex after marriage. Although I didn't wait until we were married, my husband and I have only been with each other. I think it's pretty awesome--and I will tell my kids when the time is right. (I kinda think taking pregnancy tests and STD tests in college are overrated--Lol!)

I would recommend many conversations and honest dialogue over several years with your kid(s) over any book, any day.

However, to answer your actual question, a google search for talking to kids about the christian perspective of sex revealed that "Focus on the Family" has produced some sort of book or pamphlet. That should give you the information that you want without providing any additional perspectives.

http://www.christianbook.com/page/christian-parenting/sex...

I can't recommend any of these, because that isn't how I parented. But you should be able to find something here that is what you want.

I don't have a book recommendation and I don't believe in waiting til marriage for sex, but if those are the values and beliefs that you wish to impart upon your child, I would not depend upon a book to do it. Your child has no relationship with a book. Do not be afraid to talk to your child. Your child wont' care if a book tells them not to have casual sex. They need to hear that from you, and why you feel that this is important. Let them know that they can come to you with questions. Be the one to educate him or her. Do not go the impersonal route of a book if something is important to you. It won't mean anything to your child. Sex, puberty, relationships are topics that parents need to be comfortable discussing with their children. Don't depend on an unknown author to do that for you.

do you have a Christian book store nearby? they will have these sort of books... you can look at several.. and make the best choice for you.

Ok.
Obviously coming late to *this* party! Lol

I highly doubt you are going "shove a book at your 8 year old" and consider that "mission accomplished." Quite a few assumed that when you stare quite clearly your girl is pretty informed already.
I'm pretty sure a quick trip to a Christian bookstore and a chat with the clerk will fill the bill right away. Might be a book, DVD, etc.
Is also suggest a book like The Girls Body Book, to be read together them you can start a discussion based on your beliefs.
Good luck!

My son's 5th grade class had a family life unit as a part of science and religion class. I don't remember the book title, but maybe you can see what one of your local Catholic schools is using. His school is following a STREAM program--Science, Technology, Religion, Engineering, Arts, and Math.

I believe Sonlight and Tapestry of Grace have some books on this topic

yea that book would be called mom talking to her kids n explaining the facts of life..

Check out the messages from Eaglebrookchurch.com Go to past messages. There are some great messages on that topic.